Sex and the single mother...

[PenelopeChipShop]

Jokey title ( based on an old Friends episode ) but serious question!

Just wondering if there’s anyone else out there with the same issue and what they do about it! I mean when you’re long-term single, have kids and miss sex, but don’t necessarily want a relationship.

I’m 18 months out of a very painful separation (almost divorced), finally feeling like I have my mojo back a bit, but I don’t know what to do with it!

I’ve come close to sleeping with two men recently, one was lovely but there was no spark (I think I was trying to force it as he’s nice but i just do not fancy him) and the other I fancy massively and he was bloody great in bed (we had been on 3 dates first) but he doesn’t live very nearby and neither of us have much free time so I have no idea if we’ll even meet again let alone manage to do it when we have the privacy to sleep together.

Does anyone use apps just for hookups when their kids are out, is this safe?? Or do you date someone for a bit and hope it goes there.... I hope I don’t sound like a massive slag. I just am not used to being single (was with DH 15 years), my divorce has put me off serious relationships for now, but I want to enjoy my freedom!!

I think I may be doing OLD wrong as most people moan that men just want sex on there but I always seem to get ones that want to date and message for ages....

FWB is just an excuse to let men use you for a great way of getting sex without any of the commitment. Sure you're getting sex out of it, but given the choice of just sex and or someone that loves and respects you and or someone that wants all of you, I can bet assure you I know what it is you I would rather have.

@chocolatecoffeeaddict alright then. It may shock you to hear that some women don't want a committed relationship either. I don't want somebody around playing stepdad to my DS, it would get on my nerves. I don't want to have to consider somebody else's feelings and make compromises and all the other stuff that comes with relationships. I want to do my own thing, on my terms.

@TuathaDeDanann my fwb has to fit in around my schedule because my DS only goes to his dad's 2 or 3 nights a month. Fwb has more free time than me because his DS doesn't live with him. I tell him what dates I'm free and he always travels to me from his city.

Yeah despite the warnings I do like the idea of a FWB, I really do. In fact I even suggested it to the first guy I hooked up with but he made it really clear he’s old fashioned and wants a real relationship, which I had to respect. The second guy is probably a classic FWB type and trust me, he fits around MY free times so far as my kids’ Dad, somewhat predictably, doesn’t see them anything like 50/50, so it’s hard for me to date.

And I genuinely don’t want someone to love and respect me AT THE MOMENT. I want sex. I want my independence and space. I don’t want to wash anyone else’s clothes, compose funny/sexy/considerate texts every day and generally massage someone’s ego. I want to focus on my kids, my job and MY LIFE for the first time in too long. I am enjoying being nearly divorced!

But man alive do I want someone to fuck me sometimes!!!

As an amusing aside, someone I have been on ONE date with (from an app) has just messaged me a photo of a pair of shoes and asked if he can buy them for me. Another one to cross off the potentials list!!
🤦‍♀️

Before I was ready to be in a lovely relationship, I dated a couple of highly unsuitable guys. Never EVER in my home though - we’d meet in London and either hotel or Airbnb the action.

Although you can DIY - I just really missed the skin of a man and was lucky to find guys that were good dates and great fun.

These things run their course so 3-4 hookups at most but saw me through a shit time without any real feelings involved and being able to feel like a sexy woman again.

@penelopechipshop - I’m a size 7, take the damn shoes 😂

I think you can have a relationship but have separate lives. So the laughter, intimacy etc, but your house, family, finances etc are separate. That's what I'm looking for. I've some friends who are in those types of relationships and I'm going on a date with someone who wants that.

Goldilocks they are brown with three inch block heels from TK Maxx with a price sticker on the bottom. Still interested?

Musti I can respect that and it’s good that you know what you want.

I don't feel used by my fwb. I chose soneone i wouldn't choose to have a relationship with. We had STI testing before we slept together. It's fun and respectful, he's not my soul mate though. If anything he's more clingy, I think it's harder for men to find sex than women tbh.

@penelopechipshop I’ll pass then - they sound extra ugly and cheap. I was thinking he’d either be offering bed-shoes or some louboutins. What a shame.

@musti it works for me but it has its challenges. We spend time at each others but no plans to combine homes.

Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't bring someone into my kids' lives. I don't mind in the future if it's serious holidaying or staying over etc but definitely not living together.

My bf stays here a few times a month and vice versa. We’ve made it clear to all our kids on both sides that were not moving together

PS - My kids would love it, I’m the one being difficult. But this is best.

Also agree that a FWB is usually instigated by a man, to accommodate a man being able to sleep around, see what's better out there; yeah some women can do it but the majority can't or can't do it for any long period because you always end up feeling used; never mind the mind games and wondering who else he is shagging; too much drama, zero commitment; also makes you feel not good enough.

I've yet to find out from all my single women friends any that carried this arrangement on for long. A ONS is a much more attraction scenario to them.

I've been a lurker for a while and read this post and had to respond. I completely hear you about wanting a f**@k* but not wanting or needing a relationship. I'm a single mum. I've been gagging for ages for a shag so went to my friends bar and saw this hot barmen. I went out with my friend left my bag at the bar and told my friend that I would come back and get my bag and shag the barman. 12 hours later I was in his bed. He is not into relationships at all. Which suits me. The only issue I have is that we only hook up once or twice a month. I am going to continue shagging him but I am in search of another FWB when he is not available.

Greedy some might say, yes I am. I'm not a sex addict. I'm always safe and I never bring him back to mine. His place only.

My new "friend" lives in a different city and I will travel to see him. I personally think go for it you only have one life, be safe, enjoy yourself and when the fun stops stop.

@Adora10 I've been seeing my fwb for almost 4 years and there's been no drama at all, unlike in any proper relationships I've been in.

I think it just depends on your situation. If I were a single woman with no ties looking to settle down and have a family then no I probably wouldn't want a fwb. As it is, I was married and divorced with a child by the time I was 23. The last thing I want is to do all that again. Maybe I'll want a real relationship when DS is an adult and no longer dependent on me. But quite frankly juggling work and being a single mum is tiring enough without trying to put the effort into a relationship too. I just want a bit of fun.

Each to their own BQ, can only speak from my own experience; can't imagine myself being happy just having sex with a man for 4 years and nothing else, also, does that not in a way prevent you from starting a proper romance with someone/also, he could have a partner you know nothing about; that's what would be going on in my head but hey, take my hat off to you for making it work for you.

I honestly don't see why you can't have fun with a man with the notion that the relationship is exclusive and still be able to do your family stuff and not feel pressured into it being all heavy; just hate the thought of having sex with a man in the knowledge his wick is going elsewhere!

@adora10 you “speak from experience” - is this actual experience or are you going by what all your single friends are telling you?

Because every single friend of mine who has or have had a fwb have always known everything about him, not had much drama because they’re not dating, plenty of romance and good times, and they’ve gone into these because THEY wanted to, not to “accommodate a man wanting to sleep around”.

I think you’re missing the point that plenty of women are fine with these relationships and have too full lives for anything more involved. And that’s fine. Sex is a very personal matter and some people, married or not, don’t need or want as much sex as others. But if you’re single and not a stage five clinger, and fine with a casual arrangement then why not. A FWB is a much safer alternative to a ONS - often the guys prowling for a ons are the ones who are cheating on their wives.

Which brings me to the final point - nobody knows where anyone has been, married or not and a quick glance at the selection of threads in the Relationships menu should tell you this.

Well what else can I speak from other than my own and my friends?

Good for your friends, just proves we all have different experiences.

You say plenty are fine but your own opinion is based on the same as mine.

No idea what a stage five clinger is.

Don't see how it's any safer than a ONS.

Also disagree that men prowling as you put it for a ONS are probably cheating, don't see the difference in either.

You seem to be missing my point, a relationship based purely on sex is not for me nor has it been for my friends, it has left us feeling used, sorry if you disagree but I can't help how I feel.

Adore
Its safer than a ons because it's a friend. People don't become friends without there being a degree of trust between them.
And it's safer than a ons because instead of having sex with multiple men, who in their turn have likely had sex with multiple women, you're having sex with just one (probably) man who is also quite likely just having sex with you (maybe definitely if that is what you have agreed).
Fwb relationships are all different, and yes sex is commonly the largest element, but it's not usually just about sex.

@adore10 I’m sorry to hear you’ve ended up feeling used but with every disappointment is a broken expectation so maybe you didn’t go into this in the right frame of mind.

@Musti that's exactly what I want. I won't ever live with anyone whilst DD is living at home (she's only 8!). And I think I'd struggle to ever trust and share fianances again. So your description is perfect for me!

What's the point if you've no expectation, my only expectation is that the person knows their own mind but so often they don't. And they always find their own mind right after you've slept with them! Funny that. And for those who think wait longer, I don't feel comfortable jumping in to bed with somebody until I feel (always mistakenly it turns out) that I have their measure. Have given up any expectation of meeting a man now and I feel a lot better for it.