Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Sex and the single mother...

56 replies

PenelopeChipShop · 25/09/2018 12:47

Jokey title ( based on an old Friends episode ) but serious question!

Just wondering if there’s anyone else out there with the same issue and what they do about it! I mean when you’re long-term single, have kids and miss sex, but don’t necessarily want a relationship.

I’m 18 months out of a very painful separation (almost divorced), finally feeling like I have my mojo back a bit, but I don’t know what to do with it!

I’ve come close to sleeping with two men recently, one was lovely but there was no spark (I think I was trying to force it as he’s nice but i just do not fancy him) and the other I fancy massively and he was bloody great in bed (we had been on 3 dates first) but he doesn’t live very nearby and neither of us have much free time so I have no idea if we’ll even meet again let alone manage to do it when we have the privacy to sleep together.

Does anyone use apps just for hookups when their kids are out, is this safe?? Or do you date someone for a bit and hope it goes there.... I hope I don’t sound like a massive slag. I just am not used to being single (was with DH 15 years), my divorce has put me off serious relationships for now, but I want to enjoy my freedom!!

I think I may be doing OLD wrong as most people moan that men just want sex on there but I always seem to get ones that want to date and message for ages....

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 25/09/2018 12:53

Sleep with whomever you want BUT

Please don't invite strange men back to the house you share with your kids. You simply don't know them well enough.

For God's sake use proper contraception. Men can still be massive dicks Re condoms even now we're all fully fledged adults. No glove, no love.

Make sure if you're going elsewhere for sex a sensible grown up ie best mate knows where you are and with whom

Tinder is apparently mainly sex. I know a lot of other OLD you can tick a kind of sex only box so guys know what you're looking for.

Otoh cultivating a fwb with one guy or low level dating so no meeting the kids, talking rings but dates, laughter, sex is likely to be safer, and more satisfying long term

laraloo92 · 25/09/2018 13:15

Get a dildo does the job 😂

pumpastrotter · 25/09/2018 13:23

There are specific hook up apps - but tinder is a common one for NSA.

live your best ho life Enjoy yourself! Just make sure to be careful as a PP said, some men are still tossers when it comes to condoms, I would also be uncomfortable with inviting strangers to my home where my children live.

Fenellapitstop · 25/09/2018 13:51

I'm kind of in the same boat as you with a chap I'm dating. It's been made very clear to him he's not coming to my house ever. We don't get to meet that often due to work and my dc but it always involves a hotel room. Which is nice!

BitchQueen90 · 25/09/2018 17:17

I have a FWB. I've been single for 4 and a half years and not interested in relationships. He was someone I got to know after I separated from my exh and the situation appealed to us both. It's been going on for 4 years now and it's brilliant. He does come to my house (when DS is at his dad's - FWB is not involved with DS) but obviously I have known him for a while now and trust him.

Creeper8 · 25/09/2018 19:49

I wouldnt dream of having a fwb now I have kids. I think your more likely to meet people wanting a ONS tbh.

Sadli · 25/09/2018 20:33

I chose to have a FWB. Works well. We met for a drink one day. Got on well so met another time with no pressure for sex. We did start sleeping together and it works really well, we have great evenings together with chat and movies, drinks and sleep together for the night. Only issue is trying not to fall in love

Sadli · 25/09/2018 20:35

Oh I met my fwb online. I didn't really want a ons.

Original poster

PenelopeChipShop · 25/09/2018 21:42

This is all really good advice, thank you! Love ‘no glove no love’ there is no way I would have unsafe sex.

I think what I really want is a FWB actually. I don’t want a step dad for my kids, I don’t want to live with anyone again. I like my life as it is. But sometimes when the kids are with their dad it would be nice to just have some proper adult fun rather than just watching movies and doing yoga! Or rather watch a movie with someone then have hot sex.

How did you guys meet your FWB and did you discuss the arrangement near the beginning or did it just evolve? At what point did you label it FWB as opposed to just having slept with them a couple of times?

OP posts:

MewithaC · 25/09/2018 22:07

Met one fwb on holiday, another through friends. Made it clear to both I wanted nothing serious and if they wanted a relationship I wasn't the woman for them. It quite clearly became a fwb situation after I discovered the joy of the late night 'booty call'...

MakeAWhish · 25/09/2018 22:14

Do you have single friends to go out with? I was a single mum for 4 years before meeting DP, and had two long term 'friends with benefits' both of whom I met out at a bar/club. Used to go out with mates and booty call at the end of the night, NSA. Was bloody marvellous

BitchQueen90 · 26/09/2018 06:25

Met my fwb online but it was actually someone I already knew, just hasn't spoken to before. We didn't really label it as such but we both agreed we didn't want a relationship pretty early on. I've got kids, he's got kids and we live in different cities (neither of us would ever consider moving anyway).

What I like is that we really are friends. We can have a laugh together and enjoy spending time with each other. Then he fucks off in the morning and I get my space back.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 26/09/2018 06:39

FWB is just an excuse to let men use you for sex without any of the commitment. Sure you're getting sex out of it, but given the choice of just sex or someone that loves and respects you and wants all of you, I can bet I know what it is you would rather have.

NotANotMan · 26/09/2018 06:39

I think I may be doing OLD wrong as most people moan that men just want sex on there but I always seem to get ones that want to date and message for ages....

Yeah I have that problem too! Married people always say that tinder is a hook up site and maybe when you're 24 but men in their late 30s and 40s are often looking for a wife/mummy replacement I find.

I have no clever answers, I've had a few casual things from tinder but it's hard to find the friendship element as well as the sex for a good FWB situation. After being single and celibate for a year I have just hooked up with someone I know already who has just also become single; this one is promising but I had to wait a long time of nothing for it!
Keep doing online dating and chat to lots of guys, keep your options open. It's not easy though!

NotANotMan · 26/09/2018 06:40

Oh stop!

TuathaDeDanann · 26/09/2018 06:44

I wouldn't set out to look for just sex, no need! There's no other type.

I have messaged people a while to try and get a better sense of them, but not months and months. Just trying to work out if their personality makes it worth over looking their really bad photo for example.

NotANotMan · 26/09/2018 06:45

I wouldn't set out to look for just sex, no need! There's no other type.

What do you mean?

TuathaDeDanann · 26/09/2018 06:48

I don't think FWB works particularly well either. It always seems to be the man in the driving seat. Maybe if the woman was in the driving seat it'd work but so often you see a situation where the woman believes she's in a fwb, and yet she cannot ''summons'' the man on her terms, it is her jumping through his hoops fitting in around his busy and free slots. so I'd say make sure that if you're in a fwb he understands that if you're fitting in with his free slots only and he is not fitting in with your free slots then that is a mismatch, even for fwb. Cos the F part stands for ''friends'' not fucked.

Bellabutterfly2016 · 26/09/2018 06:51

My dp of 6 years was my FWB for 2 years prior to that, then one day he rang me and invited me for a lovely meal, presented me with flowers and told me he loved me and had done for ages and wanted a proper relationship, very brave on his part but
I was delighted and felt the same.

6 yeas on, 1 dd and another baby on the way!!!!!

I've known him for about 15 years now he's my soulmate and my best friend - sometimes these things just develop and sometimes they fizzle out.

Stay safe and be happy 😊

TuathaDeDanann · 26/09/2018 06:52

Notaman, I mean precisely that. I've dated 40 men on POF and even if they hide it to begin with and pretend they're not going disappear the moment you've had sex, they do. Without exception. I used to like men. I used to think women who thought men were all users and players were the ones who had no self-respect, no boundaries, no self-love etc etc etc

But now I know that OLD brings out the worst in men. I don't even try to meet a man on OLD now. I'm attractive for my AGE, so men want me NOW but will not stick around I have figured out. They'll shag me sure, but leave the sweet shop for a woman only 3/5/7 years younger than them? And these are men in their 50s. I am not ''despairing'' or any self-pitying nonsense like that. But I won't find a good man on OLD.

TuathaDeDanann · 26/09/2018 06:54

ps, obviously when I say I've dated 40 men I don't mean I slept with all of them. Barely had a cup of tea with them. But about 7 out of that forty, I gave it a go.

NotANotMan · 26/09/2018 07:02

That's not my experience. I'm not saying that's not common, but it's definitely not universal.

MakeAWhish · 26/09/2018 07:07

Ha, of course everyone eventually wants someone who loves and respects them, but in the meantime, it's nice to have an arrangement. By the way, why can't women use men for sex without commitment? I did. Drag yourself into the 21st century.....

dancingqueen345 · 26/09/2018 07:08

When guys try and make it clear to me that they're after a FWB type situation they'll usually say something pretty early on like, "what is it you're looking for? I'm just looking to have a bit of fun at the moment, I just want to be upfront with you". Could you try something like that?

MewithaC · 26/09/2018 07:37

chocolatecoffeeaddict wtf??? I'm letting men "use me for sex"? On the contrary, I find it's usually ken who get clingy and want more. It's 2018, not only can i shag who I want but please do not be so archaic as to assume I'm doing it until I can find a 'proper relationship'. Not everyone shares your puritanical views.

Flip

1 2 3