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Original poster

How long before moving in together

105 replies

DiamondsInTheMud · 24/09/2018 21:34

Just wondering how long people were in relationships for before moving in together... Im in a long distance relationship, have been together for 4 months now. Its all been pretty serious from the start. We see eachother at the weekend, maybe every second weekend. But its getting more and more difficult when im not seeing him, and he's said the same. Hes currently living at his mums, pending completion on a house that hes just bought. And hes suggested that i can stay at his for weeks at a time if i can schedule work in the area. It feels like this could progress quite quickly into me moving in, work would be easy to sort a transfer for, and i feel like its the right time, but i dont know if its too soon to be even thinking about that?

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 25/09/2018 11:10

I didn't means bills or rent. I mean if you start forking out for say a lovely coffee machine or Egyptian cotton delux bedding at the cost of having your own savings/emergency fund.

trevthecat · 25/09/2018 11:17

10 months into our relationship I moved into my partner's house. It was in the planning anyway but my landlord put my rent up and so I moved in quicker. Worked well for us

daisyrosegem · 25/09/2018 11:53

I didn't know my DH when I moved in with him.

We were flat mates Grin

Confusedgal2018 · 25/09/2018 12:21

I am in the same situation. My OH and I are long distance (4 hour drive) and I don't know what he would be like to live with.

I stay at his, he stays at mine and I can see some of his bad habits but they don't annoy me too much! I'm sure I have some too! It's hard to know really - I suppose you just have to give it a try. In a way, it makes it a bit easier because you aren't buying a home so you can pay him some rent maybe/contribute towards bills and see how it goes in his house. Then, in the future you can always be added to the deeds/mortgage. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. It is hard though because you have to listen to your heart and your head and the heart is often the strongest voice.

ShirleyPhallus · 25/09/2018 12:57

MN can be very odd on the whole “moving in” thing

Responses vary wildly from:
Owns his own house and you move in = you should be added to mortgage deed immediately or no security and if he doesn’t want you to do this there’s no future for you
You own your own house and he moves in and pays market rent = you’re a golddigger
You own your own house and he moves in but pays a token amount = cocklodger

LeftRightCentre · 25/09/2018 13:01

So you'll be staying with him and his mum? Erm, no.

southnownorth · 25/09/2018 13:03

We met in the Feb and moved in together in June. That was 18 years ago.

It just felt right.

category12 · 25/09/2018 13:31

Short term, there's nothing wrong at all in paying him rent or whatnot.

It's just when that translates into years and you have dc and you are unmarried and you split up and have nothing. Which doesn't happen all the time, but sometimes does.

So you need a long term plan for your own self-sufficiency of savings/property of your own, or joint finances/marriage/going on the mortgage together in the longer term.

You should both benefit from your living arrangements - it should be cheaper for you both to live. (You shouldn't pay market rent, for example, when you're sharing his room. He should probably check what sort of financial agreement with you might inadvertently give you a claim on his property.)

Original poster
DiamondsInTheMud · 25/09/2018 14:14

No i wont be living with him and his mum? He currently lives with his mum but has just bought and will be moving shortly into his own place.

Just now when i go down to see him on weekends that he cant make it to mine, i stay at his mums with him. Which is ok for a night or two, but not long term obviously.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/09/2018 14:24

Shirley

Your definition of cocklodger needs revising.

A cock lodger can be defined as the type of guy who attaches himself to an independent, established woman and in return for his services in the bedroom (at a minimum) he expects to be given full squatting rights in her home.

It’ll all start out pretty innocently. He’ll stay over one night, then a whole weekend, slowly you’ll find him leaving his stuff around your place and claiming space in your wardrobe. Because he is about so much, a naive young lady maybe tempted to give him a set of keys. Of course, if his performance in bed is mindblowing and he does some basic DIY around the house one may convince themselves that this is a mutually beneficial arrangement. However, over time having a cocklodger squatting in your home and not pulling their weight financially in a ‘relationship’ becomes tiresome for even the most patient of women.

adaline · 25/09/2018 14:26

If you don't have children I really don't think it matters - you can just move back out if it doesn't work out, and you're not uprooting or disrupting anyone else in the process.

I moved in with DH after nearly two years - it would have been sooner but I needed my driving license to be able to get to work from his house!

TeacupDrama · 25/09/2018 14:44

nothing wrong with this short term, being sensible there is no way we would advise anyone to add a partner to mortgage immediately on moving in, but definitely have a time line in your head, and it is reasonable to pay a share of bills, council tax and food but keep separate bank accounts and savings with no tenancy agreement and being technically a lodger it should reflect this and not be market rent as you don't have your own room etc
Personally I think 18 months is more than long enough to decide whether you want to stay together, at that point you need to discuss commitment and then you should be added to mortgage and pay a definite share and have a joint account for bills and suck like

Nearly everyone I know that is married or in a long term stable relationship says they knew they were with tight person within 18 months, this does not mean they married etc at this point but that they knew inside, obviously it is not fail safe

Do not even consider ttc or having children without being on the mortgage personally I would say married but if not at least some financial stake in the property

Until you are committed you need to have a fund to enable you to move on; I would say a minimum of 3 months rent so you can pay a deposit tomorrow if necessary

ShirleyPhallus · 25/09/2018 16:12

AttilaTheMeerkat

Nope, definition correct, pretty much exactly what I’ve said!

DailyMailCanFO · 25/09/2018 17:46

About a month for us, that was 21 years ago.

DoraJar · 25/09/2018 18:13

After 10 days! Still together many many years later!

I’d like to say when you know you know - but my friend recalls I had no where to live! Oh well it worked out!

DoraJar · 25/09/2018 18:13

He paid some college fees too about a month later!

theboxofdelights · 25/09/2018 18:18

But it is him buying the house Shirley!

theboxofdelights · 25/09/2018 18:19

And OP is going to be staying at his (unless I have got completely the wrong end of the stick which is always possible).

dirtybadger · 25/09/2018 18:54

Been with DP 4 years (friends since school). We were long distance (saw each other once every 2-4 weeks for 3 years plus holidays, now weekends as we live closer). Moving in together next year. No kids.

I would have considered it after the 3-4 year mark but for practical reasons we are waiting.

Absolutely hell no would I move in with someone after less than a year. You barely know each other. Yes you can just move out but it will still be stressful. That's without facturing in relocating.

tlove · 25/09/2018 19:27

Go for it. I love in with my boyfriend after only 3 months and we're now married with an 8 month old! When you know, you know! Trust your instincts Smile

tlove · 25/09/2018 19:27

*I moved in with..

FaFoutis · 25/09/2018 19:30

I moved in with him the night we met. It wasn't difficult because he lived in a van. Still together - 27 years.
There are no rules about it, do what you feel is right.

whodoyoufollow · 29/11/2018 12:35

I moved in with my partner the same weekend we went out I never left 5 1/2 years later we'll still together and still madly in love. It all depends on how you feel and what you feel is right.

Storminateacup1 · 29/11/2018 13:59

We started living together just over 6 months after we got together, but knew each other for a few years beforehand.
It was an adjustment at first, as we too were in a LDR of 250 miles, plus I moved to be with him as he was studying at university and I wasn’t. It was slightly isolating and lonely at first but I made friends quickly.
We’ve been together for over 8 years now and moved back to my neck of the woods.

unique1986 · 29/11/2018 16:02

Everyone saying they moved in after a a few days or weeks.
Didn't it take you ages to shift your stuff?
I recently got my own place and it took weeks to finally move everything.
Id hate to just stay over night and feel like I was just crashing for months.

Also I guess you were very local too?
Its quite a big deal to just move to another house or flat suddenly.