Considering leaving for (the idea of) the other man

[Straighttalkersneeded]

I am in need of advice and a serious talking to.

I am in a 12 year marriage to an awesome partner who I was very happy with and who was my best friend and playmate until he made a mistake I can't reveal for fear of outing and whose guilt about it has changed our life. He has been under the care of a mental health and crisis team for three years since the realisation of his mistake and the lifelong consequences to us both became clear.

He is in many ways the same man I married and I love him to pieces but he no longer feels able to have a sexual or romantic attachment because essentially he feels undeserving and that it is safer not to be close to anyone so that he cannot hurt them. That makes me feel so sad for him to feel this way about himself. He is struggling so much to forgive himself. He is working on this in therapy and has been since therapy started.

At his request we live in separate rooms but still spend lots of time together and function as a couple to the outside world, although he has retreated to a platonic safe space. He doesn't want it to be this way but it's all he can manage right now.

We were loved up and very broodily TTC the two years before the event happened. We are in our late 30s now. I would still love to have a family with my husband if he was better. It is almost like we are in a limbo space.

I don't even want to type this. I have been having an affair that started out as online chat a year ago and have fallen for the other man. We have spent a lot of time together recently and he is now offering me a relationship, children and remarriage one day (as in, asking me to leave to begin a proper relationship). He would be relocating for me eventually if we were able to develop a relationship. I do believe this has meaning to him. He is divorced.

I don't know what to do.

Two friends I have confided in think that I need to give my husband more time to recover because of how happy we were before and that I need to tell my husband nothing for now but just end the affair and tell my husband when he is better so he can decide our future. One other friend thinks I need to move on with my life and separate from my husband, accepting it might not work out with this man but seeing where it leads.

I have just started counselling to get a grip. My therapist is not giving an opinion on what I should do as that's not her role.

My heart is telling me that I cannot give up on my husband and our dreams. He was everything to me and I promised him I'd support him and I still love him. He might come back to me yet. But my head is telling me that I can't let this other man go when I love him and he is offering me a chance at a future I want instead of more years of limbo.

I would be grateful for your advice, even if just to offer a different take on it all.

I think the OP is ashamed of the affair and feels bad about it (sorry to be talking about you and not to you but there are a lot of posts here)...however, I think, to be able to carry on an affair for a year shows a degree of emotional detachment from the marraige, which in itself is a big glaring red flag. I honestly think honesty is the best policy here. Just come clean. He has not been serving your needs, OP and you have strayed, which is pretty human given the circumstances but it really does show just how far apart you two have grown.

A mistake is not something intentional Mistakes very often are intentional they’re just regrettable in hindsight.

OP, someone upthread asked you something I think is potentially important: have you forgiven him for the mistake? Is it really just how he is now, and not the mistake itself, which count for you?

I wonder if the reason we have not been told even the ballpark area of the mistake is because she knows we would tell her to dump him for that alone. It wouldn’t be outing to say simply ‘crime’ or ‘racked up unimaginable debts’ or ‘work misdemeanour with serious consequences’, ‘affair’ etc.

It sounds like a really difficult situation but one that you needs to get yourself out of before it goes dour. You need to stop the affair whatever happens. It's not a choice between him and your husband. You need to decide if you want to be married or not. If you do, then support your husband and work on your marriage and don't go looking for another relationship. If you don't, then leave and start again, but don't rebound with affair bloke. That will be doomed to fail and then you'll blame yourself.

So my point is - some mistakes are unforgivable and you’re not actually obliged to forgive people. It may be how he is now and the mistake - and that’s ok. If anything I feel like she is blaming herself for the affair instead of blaming her husband.

No we don’t know the mistake but the general ins and outs of this is: man has a life changing experience and mental breakdown, wife doesn’t get a baby as expected and finds a new illicit affair that she carries out for one year, whilst still hoping husband will change back into the man he once was. It is cruel to husband. You can dress it up any way you want with tit for tat. Affairs are very selfish and not excusable when you vow to love your partner for better or worse - if the worst happens, then you leave them you don’t find a replacement first whilst you dither. This man is a human with his own feelings too

One more question (not necessarily for answering here): if your DH were to forgive himself completely, would you approve? Sometimes people display enormous overt guilt so others are less likely to judge.

If anything I feel like she is blaming herself for the affair instead of blaming her husband. The affair is down to her. She agreed to work on the marriage, agreed to stand by him but failed to tell him when she was going to start shagging. Whatever he has done may mean I have little sympathy for him, but her having an affair is HER fault. She is choosing it.

Don't leap into another relationship with OM - make sure it's really what you want.

I have a feeling what he did was not a direct betrayal of OP. However, We can all debate this until the cows come home but we'll never know as OP seems to have checked out!

Interested to hear if the OP has forgiven her DH and if there has been any counselling as a couple to deal with the issue/s that have triggered all of this?

Yeah couples counselling would be an idea but only if they're both 100% honest. Utterly pointless otherwise. Best of luck OP!

It's actually really difficult to give a ball park sorry. I can't say much more than it was an action with unintended consequences for several people. He has really suffered. I believe he will struggle to ever truly forgive himself, when that was never in doubt for me because it was a mistake and leaving him never crossed my mind at the time. None of that makes my affair justifiable though. Not at all.

So what now OP? You need to end things with OM for now and focus on clearing up your marriage. Dragging things on isn’t best for anyone

give yourself a break mate. Youve tried so hard to make this work. You deserve happiness and you dont get another shot at life. Youre not his saviour. His fuck up was his own and you have paid the price for three years for someone elses fuck up out of loyalty, but dont give up your whole life. I reckon this is him now

I have to face reality PookieDo. I have never felt like such a failure than I do right now and I have to own it. I have to stop the affair. I have to leave my husband. There's nothing I wouldn't give to turn the clock back to before all of this started and now I have completely ruined it. The other man is a life raft I think someone said up thread. He's been an escape. I have my counselling appointment shortly thankfully. Someone said time to take control. That's what I need to do. I was feeling sorry for myself and got swept up in an emotional connection with a stranger on the internet. Fucking hell. I am so ashamed.

No this is all good. Taking responsibility is exactly what you should do. Other posters passing blame and making excuses for it doesn’t help you - it continues to distract you and further down the line becomes an OH CRAP moment. Facing up now means getting things sorted from now on. Your choices yes had a lot of mitigating circumstances but it’s your actions now that matter, because they pave the way for a new future.

I suppose it comes down to have you forgiven his mistake? Can he forgive his mistake? Can you both move on from there, and so you still love one another deep down? Do you think he would forgive your affair?

Honestly, it's been 3 years. I think you should get out now. There are no guarantees he will feel better enough for it to go back to the way it was and in the meantime your child bearing years are slipping away.

I think you need to see a relationship counsellor together - three years is a decent amount of time to give him. You need to be (almost) honest with him and tell him you would like to stay with him but you need more than he's offering at the moment - having a professional to help manage the conversation hopefully will allow you to talk it through.

Thank you for your recent posts. I spoke about various aspects from the thread in my appointment. Thinking of a future with the other man is likely a way of avoiding grieving she said. As my husband is having therapy appointments and it is hard going, he and his psychiatrist feel he couldn't engage in couple's counselling too. I have spoken to him tonight and he feels he is getting better slowly and next year things might be different. We had the same conversation last year and the year before. Only now of course things are worse than he knows after giving pieces of myself to someone else. Thanks to the poster who pm'd I will contact the mental health team for advice on how we could go about it. I really do appreciate the time taken to reply. I know I have let him down so spectacularly and I don't need excuses I need to take responsibility. I don't know if he would forgive my affair. He forgave an ex for a one night stand. It being emotional would probably have hurt the 'old him' more but I really don't know how he'd feel now/future. I can't wait to restart our relationship any longer and lie to myself and him and risk never having children because I waited too long, doing nothing but living a half life of fantasy of this man moving here and giving me a family. I'm sorry the return function isn't working and I have typed so much. I just wanted to update and thank you.

Affairs are very selfish and not excusable when you vow to love your partner for better or worse No shit. My point stands however. The OP is determined to be the fall guy in this, saying now she has ‘ruined everything’ and ‘let him down’, when actually he is one who ruined the marriage, and his inability to pull himself out of self blame and rebuild his marriage has meant it couldn’t be saved. No return function currently - hence lack of paragraphs.

It's pretty clear that the OP hasn't "lined someone else up" but got swept up in fantasy because the reality has been so sad. Like he's been in a coma almost, he's been rejecting and detached yet still there.

It sounds like an emotional affair (not necessarily even sexual but that's irrelevant to her choice now) because she was lonely and abandoned In the marriage; her DH completely shut down because of his guilt and decided to be flat mates for the foreseeable future after being in hospital for years. Presumably OP was the sole financial provider and carer in that time too. What a shit situation for you both. Those aren't "justifiable excuses" for the OM but she knows that.

I doubt it is that easy to leave when you love your DH and he is in an inpatient unit for years, presumably because of extreme distress and suicidal actions. How can you say I'm leaving you? Why would you have left anyway, you forgave him and were waiting for him to get better? And whilst waiting, this friend online (abroad?) offered you some compassion and attention and now you're in deep.

You've waited for him to come back because you love him and may have all the same feelings as before but get nothing back. I think you are only thinking of leaving because the OM has made you realise your situation hasn't improved as you hope and you're understandably concerned about children.

Don't leave for the OM for reasons stated by PPs. Reasons to leave... Leave for the possibility of children. Leave for the possibility of a normal relationship where your needs are met too - You wouldn't have married your flat mate. Leave because you don't love him (although I think you do or you'd be long gone).

I think your plan of ending your marriage sounds good, and the sooner the better. You want DC and have already spent 3 years in a very sad situation. Give yourself a chance of DC and a better relationship.