Considering leaving for (the idea of) the other man

[Straighttalkersneeded]

I am in need of advice and a serious talking to.

I am in a 12 year marriage to an awesome partner who I was very happy with and who was my best friend and playmate until he made a mistake I can't reveal for fear of outing and whose guilt about it has changed our life. He has been under the care of a mental health and crisis team for three years since the realisation of his mistake and the lifelong consequences to us both became clear.

He is in many ways the same man I married and I love him to pieces but he no longer feels able to have a sexual or romantic attachment because essentially he feels undeserving and that it is safer not to be close to anyone so that he cannot hurt them. That makes me feel so sad for him to feel this way about himself. He is struggling so much to forgive himself. He is working on this in therapy and has been since therapy started.

At his request we live in separate rooms but still spend lots of time together and function as a couple to the outside world, although he has retreated to a platonic safe space. He doesn't want it to be this way but it's all he can manage right now.

We were loved up and very broodily TTC the two years before the event happened. We are in our late 30s now. I would still love to have a family with my husband if he was better. It is almost like we are in a limbo space.

I don't even want to type this. I have been having an affair that started out as online chat a year ago and have fallen for the other man. We have spent a lot of time together recently and he is now offering me a relationship, children and remarriage one day (as in, asking me to leave to begin a proper relationship). He would be relocating for me eventually if we were able to develop a relationship. I do believe this has meaning to him. He is divorced.

I don't know what to do.

Two friends I have confided in think that I need to give my husband more time to recover because of how happy we were before and that I need to tell my husband nothing for now but just end the affair and tell my husband when he is better so he can decide our future. One other friend thinks I need to move on with my life and separate from my husband, accepting it might not work out with this man but seeing where it leads.

I have just started counselling to get a grip. My therapist is not giving an opinion on what I should do as that's not her role.

My heart is telling me that I cannot give up on my husband and our dreams. He was everything to me and I promised him I'd support him and I still love him. He might come back to me yet. But my head is telling me that I can't let this other man go when I love him and he is offering me a chance at a future I want instead of more years of limbo.

I would be grateful for your advice, even if just to offer a different take on it all.

As per usual on here full of hypocrisy, it's fine for a woman to have an affair if her partner is not up to par but if a man does the same, he's the devil reincarnated.

I put it to you OP that you don't really love your OH, if you did, even the thought of an affair would make you feel nauseous so whatever love you call it is not true love; in that vein, go with the bit on the side, at least he's someone different for you to try out, esp if you want a family.

I have an inkling what he might have done, if it's what I'm thinking you are probably best going your own ways and doing the decent thing and separating rather than having a clandestine affair.
You don't love him, so leave.

No-one said it was fine for her to have an affair.
We are looking at the other aspects of this which far out-weigh the affair.
He did something so badly wrong, that he still isn't over what he did.
That has to be some kind of bad.
And he's basically been making the OP suffer HIS inability to 'accept' it for the last 3 years.
So he does wrong. The OP suffers. The DH can't accept it. The OP suffers some more. The DH can't get intimate due to what HE did. The OP suffers some more.

He is certainly milking this for all it's worth, keeping the OP dangling and in limbo. Fuck that!
She should have left ages ago.
I honestly don't blame her for having an affair.
Even if a man posts on here that he's not had sex in years, I'll always say that is a deal-breaker for me.
No intimacy for me = no relationship.
Not everyone but for me it's NOT OK.
For the OP it's no OK. And actually, that is OK!!!

It's not possible to give you advice without having any insight into your husband's 'mistake.'
But I feel that your friend who says you should leave anyway regardless of what happens with your affair partner is probably on the right track.

I would leave and start up with om. I know it sounds selfish, but you get one life and it's short. You've waited 3 years for your husband to get better, he hasn't and you're not getting any younger.
Think how much you would kick yourself and resent your husband in 10 years time when it's too late for children and you missed your chance.
It's your life, go live it.

You've already left your marriage, you've been having an affair for 12 months...
Do the right thing for both of you and tell your Husband so you can move on and be happy

Can you forgive him for his "mistake".

We don't know what his error is but it sounds pretty serious. Do you want to continue with him?

I'd suggest no given you're sleeping with someone else.

If your husband was still being intimate would you have strayed?

There are no children involved. I would cut your losses and move on.

Very rarely can you get back to where you were if something major has changed the whole dynamic of the relationship, but jumping into another one is not a good idea.though you say you want children and you are late 30s. What do you REALLY WANT

Not knowing even the general gist of his mistake it's impossible to reply. If his mistake was an affair, I'd finish it. He checked out temporarily, came back, has been working hard at himself, and you've now checked out. If the mistake was, he hit and killed a person in his car in a horrible accident, I'd stand by my man. Having an affair is a cowardly thing to do. You want to have your cake and eat it, but you know that there is no guarantee you will like either cake once it's been served. That's the problem with ending a marriage for an affair.

I read his mistake to mean perhaps he tried to injure himself or worse in which case he may never fully recover mentally.

Did his mistake cost someone else their life OP? And if so, is that why he may feel he doesn't deserve to live his?

People change. You are yearning for what you used to have...the happy times. The thing is you can't go back, only forwards.
You should leave. Without a doubt. Take a break from the OM - he will understand and wait for you if he is sincere. You should leave for the reason that the marriage is over and it's the right thing to do.
I echo previous posts - one life. And life is short. Be happy. It's sad but you've given it a long time. You can't wait for some magical time in the future where he may be better and things may be back to how they were. Men don't have a time limit to have kids, we do. And it will never be how it was.
The thing is here you love your husband but it's a caring love. It's not the same; and if it was you would not be feeling how you are about OM.
I don't berate you got an affair. There are people who deceive with no intention of losing what they have (so called having their cake) and then there are others who are alone and unhappy. That's no life. Leave, but do it the right way x

Thank you for your responses and the clearest thoughts I have had on this mess so far. Yes he's improved to the point where he's no longer an inpatient and is functioning so much better compared to the darkest days, which is brilliant but has kept me hoping that if I wait a bit longer he'll come back to me and we can start trying to become a couple again. I have deluded myself. One poster has pm'd me about sunken costs and I will look at that too. It started as online chatting and I was in denial it was an affair for a long time. I have completely failed my husband. There's no justification for my affair whatsoever. I feel deeply ashamed that this thread is about me and my life and choices.

I have completely failed my husband

Why do you keep saying this? This is not something you have failed at. Please understand that, then you might be able to move on?

@Straighttalkersneeded I think you should come clean to your husband & take a short break from the affair until you have your head together. If the affair really wants marriage, kids etc, he'll wait for you. With regards to your husband, the relationship is so damaged you've nothing to lose by telling him everything. Yes, you are having an affair but how did your husband expect you to withstand emotional & sexual frustration? Give your heart a rest by being honest. Only then will it become clear to you. Also, leaving someone for someone else can be disastrous. It's always good to leave a relationship on its own merit (or lack thereof).

OP are you ashamed not (just) because of the thread but because it’s about you and your feelings. Even here it’s all about how you have failed him

DH fucked up - he’s had 3 years to sort himself out - if you want kids you need to get a shift on with this other guy. Or someone else. Bottom line is you have your foot out the door whether you are ready to admit that to yourself or not.

I’m assuming as he is not in prison that he either had an affair or he did something stupid at work that got him fired and maybe banned from his profession? Pps are right that it’s very difficult to know without a ballpark idea of his offence.

in your 35-40 age range, if you want children, you have to be a bit tough - 3 years is a bit too long isn't it? His mistake and feelings of worthlessness are very likely to cost you a chance of having children. Life isn't always like a hallmark card, had he not have made his mistake and then you made yours, perhaps things might have worked out but that's not the hand you've got. I'd move on, he's had long enough to recover.

I'd be surprised if it was an affair as that's hardly 'outing.' Unfortunately they're pretty common!

it's the question of children that makes 3 years too long really, you don't have to wait and see if having kids is a priority for you in your life.

That's tough, obviously having an affair is not the right thing to do but I see how you may feel "stuck" and like you're abandoning him when he's been unwell. The point is if you want to have kids, your time is running out, your DH may never get to that point or it may be too late when he does

I know I have been hard on you but you essentially have a better chance at a new life than your husband does so the most humanly kind thing to do would be not cheat on him any more and let him come to terms with the fact your marriage is over