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Original poster

Considering leaving for (the idea of) the other man

102 replies

Straighttalkersneeded · 24/09/2018 12:00

I am in need of advice and a serious talking to.

I am in a 12 year marriage to an awesome partner who I was very happy with and who was my best friend and playmate until he made a mistake I can't reveal for fear of outing and whose guilt about it has changed our life. He has been under the care of a mental health and crisis team for three years since the realisation of his mistake and the lifelong consequences to us both became clear.

He is in many ways the same man I married and I love him to pieces but he no longer feels able to have a sexual or romantic attachment because essentially he feels undeserving and that it is safer not to be close to anyone so that he cannot hurt them. That makes me feel so sad for him to feel this way about himself. He is struggling so much to forgive himself. He is working on this in therapy and has been since therapy started.

At his request we live in separate rooms but still spend lots of time together and function as a couple to the outside world, although he has retreated to a platonic safe space. He doesn't want it to be this way but it's all he can manage right now.

We were loved up and very broodily TTC the two years before the event happened. We are in our late 30s now. I would still love to have a family with my husband if he was better. It is almost like we are in a limbo space.

I don't even want to type this. I have been having an affair that started out as online chat a year ago and have fallen for the other man. We have spent a lot of time together recently and he is now offering me a relationship, children and remarriage one day (as in, asking me to leave to begin a proper relationship). He would be relocating for me eventually if we were able to develop a relationship. I do believe this has meaning to him. He is divorced.

I don't know what to do.

Two friends I have confided in think that I need to give my husband more time to recover because of how happy we were before and that I need to tell my husband nothing for now but just end the affair and tell my husband when he is better so he can decide our future. One other friend thinks I need to move on with my life and separate from my husband, accepting it might not work out with this man but seeing where it leads.

I have just started counselling to get a grip. My therapist is not giving an opinion on what I should do as that's not her role.

My heart is telling me that I cannot give up on my husband and our dreams. He was everything to me and I promised him I'd support him and I still love him. He might come back to me yet. But my head is telling me that I can't let this other man go when I love him and he is offering me a chance at a future I want instead of more years of limbo.

I would be grateful for your advice, even if just to offer a different take on it all.

OP posts:
PookieDo · 24/09/2018 16:54

As for him ‘making a fuck up’ and ‘wallowing’ does no one else read he’s been an inpatient in presumably a mental health unit?!! He’s very clearly quite unwell. No one seems to be affording him much sympathy because he can’t give OP children? If it was a woman with mental health issues I think it might be more sympathetic than what you find here

TatianaLarina · 24/09/2018 16:56

Depends who she means outing to. Some posters say they’re withholding details ‘for fear of outing’ but give enough detail for people to recognise them anyway...

weaving5688 · 24/09/2018 16:56

i do feel sorry for her DH - life is brutal at times though and not having children is something that can potentially ruin the rest of Op's life and they won't recover from that if she understandably blames him - therefore it's best if everything is wrapped up

TatianaLarina · 24/09/2018 16:58

I think 3 years of mental health issues triggered by a ‘mistake’ when you want to start a family is a reasonable dealbreaker for anyone, male or female.

GorgonLondon · 24/09/2018 16:59

OP the reason that it matters what his 'mistake' was is that, apart from anything else, it has a significant bearing on whether or not it's a good idea to try to have children with him.

subspace · 24/09/2018 16:59

Sounds like he's had a mental breakdown. I feel for him. He did [thing we have no idea what it was] and has been punishing himself for it for 3 years, is that right? That's a hell of a sentence to give yourself, he must really believe his mistake was huge [maybe it was, we don't know]. OP can you tell us how you feel about the thing he did - doesn't have to be in an outing way. Is it something you hold a grudge against him for, have you forgiven him, or are you angry or sad, or...? Cos you've been neutral in talking about it so far and I think your probably have some feelings about it. And now his wife is having an affair and might be leaving him. It's not great, is it.

subspace · 24/09/2018 17:02

Radical thought: what about buying semen and gong it alone for children? Whether you stay, or you go with the other man, or find another, children are not guaranteed. If you're in a position to be a single mum, then go for it. Maybe you might be able to do that but stay in a relationship of some sort with your H or start with OM. Either way, you don't actually need either of them to fulfill your most urgent desire, to have children.

safetyfreak · 24/09/2018 17:03

I cannot give advice till I know what mistake he made which caused him this extreme guilt. Rape? Is he a paedophile?

subspace · 24/09/2018 17:04

@pookiedo has nailed the point

firesong · 24/09/2018 17:05

I was thinking that perhaps he made a mistake which caused injury or death to someone else, maybe.

It's a bit unhelpful for people to claim that you don't love him or you wouldn't have an affair - life is just not that simple.

The suggestion to take a break from both men and have a think about what you want is a good one. And talk to your husband, whether or not you disclose your affair is up to you, but talk about the two of you. Be honest - do you want to be with him now?

MaryPoppinsUmberellaHandle · 24/09/2018 17:05

Blimey! The hypocrisy on here is shocking!

Imagine a man posted to say all this about his DW and her mental health........

PookieDo · 24/09/2018 17:06

It is a dealbreaker I don’t dispute that but OP is clearly leaving because she wants to be with another man now

Nightwatch999 · 24/09/2018 17:07

Very difficult and I would never advocate affairs, but your circumstances are heartbreaking for both of you.

In my heart the urge to have a family would make me consider if at all this would ever happen in your current state with your DH.

I think you have been with him in sickness and in health for 3 years supporting him, but who is supporting you OP?

Be true to yourself, your mind must be in overdrive right now.

If this was me I would leave the marriage with as much respect and kindness for your DC without causing him any further heartache. Do not move on straight away. Give yourself breathing space so you are in the right mindset to move forward. Good luck OP

GorgonLondon · 24/09/2018 17:09

@MaryPoppinsUmberellaHandle and @PookieDo It's not hypocrisy or sexism. Without knowing what the 'mistake' is, it's almost impossible to judge. If her husband is suffering from mental illness, of course that's awful. But if it's as a consequence of doing something truly terrible, then I am sure that OP would get the same responses were the sexes reversed.

Loopytiles · 24/09/2018 17:13

If you wanted to date other people and have the opportunity to become a parent, alone or with a new partner, you should have ended your marriage. Not on to try to line someone else up before leaving. That said, at this point leaving your husband does seem sensible. Your marriage doesn’t sound like it’s worth the further risk of never having DC, which given your age is already high.

Trinity66 · 24/09/2018 17:13

Blimey! The hypocrisy on here is shocking!

Imagine a man posted to say all this about his DW and her mental health........ Nah, this situation is different imo obviously cheating is not good however I understand if the OP wants kids, her time is running out, that's a big deal for people. And as others have said, not knowing what the DH actually did makes things harder to judge

Loopytiles · 24/09/2018 17:15

In mosy MN threads about sexless relationships/marriages where the OP wants a sexual relationship posters usually advise ending the marriage.

Original poster
Straighttalkersneeded · 24/09/2018 17:16

I agree I should have left already and been alone to process everything that's happened. I just didn't want to give up on our future but with having an affair I have changed it now myself. That is what makes it a failure on my part I think. I take on board I have had one foot out the door for a long time. I should have faced up to it all before. Yes I would love to be a mum. The other man asking if I would consider a real relationship with him if I leave and he moved in the future has brought it all to a head, long over due. It's reading it in black and white that's the reality check. Someone has pm'd me about exit affairs. I will look at that too thank you. I have counselling later. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

OP posts:
PookieDo · 24/09/2018 17:19

It was clear from the OP this man has serious mental health problems which have undoubtedly affected his wife. I just find it really distasteful cold and cruel how OP should now ‘live her life how she wants’ and ‘you only get one chance’ because she wants children so that trumps human decency? A mistake is not something intentional and this poor guy who is struggling has no idea his wife has a whole new life planned with another man. Just something about the responses make the concept of marriage and partnership sound like a complete joke

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 24/09/2018 17:31

There's no point berating OP for starting an affair (although what she actually started was chatting to someone online).

It's done. She cannot go back and change history for herself, any more than she change history for her husband.

He made a mistake.
She made a mistake.

Given that the husband needed to change the 'terms' of the relationship essentially to 'friend zone' (I hate that phrase but it seems to fit) it's no surprise that her love for him has shifted to friendly terms as well. After 3 years I'd be bloody amazed if it didn't change. It's sad, but it's hardly an enormous sin. People often report "I live him but I'm not in love with him" and we don't berate that.

I think your marriage is over OP. I think the affair is a symptom of that. You need to leave.

I personally would not tell him about the affair. I would move out and live alone for at least six months. Firstly, to give your husband some time to adapt to living apart from you. Secondly to give yourself some space from your husband and to work out with OM is really someone you are interested in or just the life raft you've been clinging to. And thirdly, if it does work out with OM, the it gives you both time to see how it all works when you're not sneaking around all the time ( does the magic wear off?)

You've been dealt a shit hand, you've made a few mistakes. Time to take back control.

Abitlost2015 · 24/09/2018 17:35

It sounds like the marriage is already over but none of you discuss it, for differentvreasons

ledzepplintooasiseclectic · 24/09/2018 17:45

Unfortunately when someone is living with with a partner who has severe and enduring mental health problems you can become more of the carer and not the partner anymore. I cannot comment on what he did however it must have been something serious for it to have led to him being in hospital. Your not having an adult relationship and after 3 yrs what is it your both waiting to happen?

PookieDo · 24/09/2018 17:46

Berating someone about an affair is not moral judgement it is a realistic view that you cannot do things like this without feeling guilty and hurting the other person. OP has had a lot of sympathy for it but now is the reality that the new man (affair, not online chatting anymore) is not based on real life it’s based on secrecy and a mental escape from reality. You can’t bet your ovaries on this new guy either. You need to do what is right

enoughisenough2 · 24/09/2018 18:01

I totally agree with @hellsbellsmelons . Life is too short to be waiting for your husband xx

Honeyroar · 24/09/2018 18:08

It all sounds awful. Your husband sounds like he's been very ill, and still is, whatever he's done. My husband has been very ill this year, we haven't been able to have sex for months as he's not well enough and we've had to sleep in different bedrooms. He's still my husband and I would feel awful walking away if he didn't get better. I couldn't imagine it. If what he did was that bad I don't understand why you didn't leave in the first place. But all that aside, make your decision without the other man's influence, you've no idea whether that will work out, you don't sound that in love with him - if your husband was well you sound like you'd stay with him. The other man sounds like a support system and a means to have babies (perhaps) for you. I'm not meaning to be completely hard on you, it can't be easy for you, but it doesn't sound easy for any of you.