what makes a husband an alcoholic?

[gibal]

hve named changed .. i trust..
and am not going to be here all day...
however what do you think makes someone an alcoholic, or rather does my dh's bheaviour mean he is one?
he comes home from work at 5.30 and is on the vino as soon as he gets home.
weekends are worse, starts early afternoon.
not really involved in family life. after a few drinks is angry and aggressive and unreasonable.. he does hold down a job, by hook r by crook, though thre have been some bad moments.
our sex life is zero.
that is the bad side, .. there is obviously a good side to him but i find it hard to see if sometimes.

It may not be all bad as you say but its certainly not at all good for anyone around him.

Your children when adult may well not thank you for saying with their alcoholic Dad if you were to stay with him. They could even go on to develop their own problems with alcohol or find partners who are themselves alcoholic.

He's lost his job already - he stands to lose both you and the children. And he probably does not care that he will. This is an illness, one he may not recover from or want to recover from.

gibal
i hope he does want to change because it cant work without that

is he 'there' for the kids at all atm..?
or just slumped in the chair snoring and farting and drinking or drunk?

i always wished mymumand left / sorted things out properly .
....though my dad did stop drinking it was his decision but by then it was sort of all too late...
we are okay now... but all those childhood years that arejust a blank to him..
..all the days he never showed up/ counted himself out of holidays etc / christmases he spent in the pub or wanting to be in the pub..
he blew it really...

please sort it out for you and your kids

i love him when he is sober

"You wrote that comes home from work at 5.30 and starts on the wine and on the weekends he starts early afternoon".

When is he ever sober?

I feel for your children, what sort of life are they having under this roof?. What are they witnessing?.

Gibal, YOU need to go to alanon. It can be a wonderful peaceful place away from the chaos of an alcoholic home. I've been. It gave me that little tiny bit of sanity and peace that I needed to build a normal life far away from an addicted lifestyle. Try it. You will find people who are more like you than you thought existed.

If you go to a meeting, remember that you can take what you like and leave the rest behind. Don't try to conquer it all at onece. Just go and listen to other peoples stories. When they go round the room you can say you don't really want to talk. You don't have to share anything you are not comfortable with.

But you are living in a very sad place, and so are your children. You can not protect them from the effects of living in an alcoholic home.

My dad was an alcoholic. My uncle was an alcoholic. My other uncle was an alcoholic. My grandfather was an alcoholic. I know what I'm talking about.

oh, he does have another job.
thre i go.. sitcking up for him!
oh god..i don't know what i would do if he lost this,his last job he was um, on a warning for not coming in.
tbh, he works, if i left then we would both be on the breadline, i dont have faith that he would manage to eat, let alone work.. oh well, it's not much of a life is it?

agree, affects others... am sure this is why evil sis drinks..and drinks ..and has another for the road....

(and probably part of why she is my 'evil'sis too)..

You are enabling him. You are making excuses and it is allowing him to continue drinking.

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF
Tel: 020 7403 0888 (Helpline 10am - 10pm, 365 days a year

Stop worrying about him for now He is an adult and addicts are selfish He will soon sort himself out if he has to Look after yourself and the children and if he recovers from this hell then you can rebuild things if you choose The ball is in your court at this stage as he is only motivated by alcohol atm.Think of your kids they are probably suffering more than you know

enabling him?
i looked on al anon website once and it said somethign like that.. thanks eleusis. shit. i am not crying at the moment so will (still) think abut calling them. can't do any harm. i did actuqlly call them a long long time ago but i had been drinkng myself and they bascially said i had a problem. well i don't now, i spect i was just joining him.

gibal, please do call al anon..they will give you the most experienced advice. its awful when you love someone so much and you cant change anything. i wish you the very best of luck with your life and whatever you decide to do, try to be strong for you and your children ok?

thanks watery

"oh, he does have another job.
thre i go.. sitcking up for him!
oh god..i don't know what i would do if he lost this,his last job he was um, on a warning for not coming in.
tbh, he works, if i left then we would both be on the breadline, i dont have faith that he would manage to eat, let alone work.. oh well, it's not much of a life is it?!"

Gibal,

You sound so defeatist in your last sentence.

Why do you worry about him - he does not care about the effects his drinking is having on his family. You cannot continue to worry like this about him. He is old enough to make his own decisions, he made a conscious choice to start drinking. You enable him and continue to do so to his detriment as well as yours. Not just to say your childrens'.

He lost one job previously and if he continues like this he'll likely lose this one as well.

No, it is certainly not much of a life - you need to face up to this now. You have buried your head in the sand for too long.

i know, i pretend at happy families

Gibal,

From their website:-

• Will Al-Anon respect my confidentiality and anonymity? Yes.
• Can I belong to Al-Anon if the drinker does not admit to a drinking problem? Yes.
• Can I belong to Al-Anon if the problem drinker does not live with me? Yes.
• Will I gain knowledge of the illness of alcoholism? Yes.
• Will Al-Anon help me to realise that my problem is not unique? Yes.
• Can Al-Anon be contacted by telephone? Yes.

Because of someone else's drinking:

• Am I worried?
• Am I losing sleep?
• Do I feel sorry for myself, inadequate or guilty?
• Am I ashamed of my situation?
• Do I ever feel embarrassed by the drinker's behaviour?
• Do I make excuses for the drinker and take on their responsibilities?
• Am I tired, nervous, depressed?
• Am I short-tempered and frustrated at times?
• Do I ever feel desperate and alone?

If you can answer YES to some of these questions then Al-Anon may be able to help you.

Do call them.

Time to stop pretending.

Your children are not happy and neither are you.

phew, i need to don't i?

If you were to have counselling yourself the counsellor would probably talk to you about co-dependancy - where you feel responsible for your dh and worried about what would happen if you left and how maybe you have got into a habit of "rescuing" him (not saying it applies to you but is very common with partners of alcoholics).

A counsellor would also help you understand that as alcoholism is an illness and your dh has to want to give up drinking for himself (not because it would make you happy) it is hard for him but you yourself have a choice as to whether or not you put up with his behaviour. I really would give al-anon a go....

(Don't have an alcoholic dh btw! - but have a good friend who does...)

have called them, but unfortunately, perhaps due to weekend, they are experiencing high number of calls the moment, pleae try later.. there is always later then.

maybe you can get through after the lunch hour?

gibal..
how's it going? you ok?

did not get around to trying afternoon, had anothe opportunity to a minute ago, but th impetus had worn off.
he says he would not give up for good.

reached stalemate.
will ring them next time i have the opportunity,.. if can think what to say..
i spose i need their support.
thanks.

Do you mind if I ask....

Is you DH the first alcoholic in your life/family? The reason I ask is bcause children of alcoholics often marry alcoholics so I'm just wondering if you grew up in an alcoholic home, or if your husband is your first experience of co-dependancy?

Gibal, hope it goes well - I understand your predicament - he has to decide to stop himself. Have similar problem with dp - who really p**d me off last night by coming home late, putting on loud music and not coming to bed till 7am - he is a lovely man but is in the habit of 2 bottles of wine a night - again, he says this is the way he is - and I guess I knew this so I can't complain. But it saddens me and I lie awake wondering how long before his health gives way - or our relationship, which in other ways is very strong.

Sigh ... keep us posted and good luck...