what makes a husband an alcoholic?

[gibal]

hve named changed .. i trust..
and am not going to be here all day...
however what do you think makes someone an alcoholic, or rather does my dh's bheaviour mean he is one?
he comes home from work at 5.30 and is on the vino as soon as he gets home.
weekends are worse, starts early afternoon.
not really involved in family life. after a few drinks is angry and aggressive and unreasonable.. he does hold down a job, by hook r by crook, though thre have been some bad moments.
our sex life is zero.
that is the bad side, .. there is obviously a good side to him but i find it hard to see if sometimes.

What do you think is the root cause of his drinking? Is he unhappy or unfulfilled at work? Does he have a family history of it? Does he do it to mask anxiety or to give himself confidence or just to block stuff out do you think?

yes, a letter is a good idea, if you know your emotions are not up to a calm discussion. Then it's something he can reread and hopefully take in - he might just close his ears if you are talking.

just the two of us when he is sober is hard to engineer, i spose i coudl find a way, and a letter might be easier, we have been together a bloody long time so a lot of advice about leaving is another question all togther. when i am feeling stronger i may ring alanon.thanks.

i don't know whye he does it. no real family history. his mother liked a whiskey, or three, i spose, his father died but did not really drink.
he is shy sober.

gibal. such a horrible situation for you to be in how long has been doing this? has he always been a drinker? can you point to something that triggered it to get worse?

he was a drinker when he first met 20 years ago, i reloly should have knocked it onthe head when i realised he was drinking whiskey in his tea break. god knows. i liked drink to but not to his extent and now we have chilren, it doesnt fit.. the afternoons in the pub garden.. i can't do it but he still wants to

how old are your children?

i was talking to someone about where we used to live and realised i knew the pubs there really well. what sort of history is that?
i wouldnt say i was an alcoholic.. i am not, i did like to drink but with 3 children can;t.. so basiclaly i spose i have changed and my family/children come first, and he hasnty

the oldest is 13.
he keeps sayig he will give it up,.. but it olnly lasts a month then he starts again.

aha
so he must admit he has a problem if he says he will give up and does for a month

Maybe suggest to him that he tries to get some help with giving up as it seems to be so hard on his own. Some counselling might help him

To answer the orginal post IMO:

when he prioritises drinking above the good of his family

when his drinking adversely affects his family, his job, his finances or his personal relationships on a regular basis.

Unfortunately alcoholism is such that unless he reaches a point where he really wants to change himself it is very difficult to force the issue.Does he ever not drink?It is rarely the amount which indicates an alcoholic and more what effect it is having in his/her life and relationships.My dp has been in recovery for 15 yrs so if you have any questions I am here.xx

"I think he would just go down the drain if we split up".

gibal,

Re this comment above he could well end up taking you all down the drain with him. There's not much worse than an agressive, angry drunk. An alcoholic often has to hit rock bottom, he is not there yet as you are there. He may have to hit rock bottom and lose everything and despite that still carry on drinking. There are no guarantees.

What do you want for yourself and your children?. He will not get help unless he wants it and you have written nothing to indicate that he wants to seek help for his alcoholism. I tell you now that for them to grow up in a house where alcoholism is a major part will do them no favours at all. They could even go on to develop alcoholic type behaviours themselves.

I would urge you to phone Al-anon - I'll put up their website for you. You need support for your own self. You say you have been together for a long time but you've also doubtless put up with this for a long time as well.

Do you have any ideas why he drinks; what are the triggers?. Countess Dracula put the same questions to you. I would add that something made him start (probably a long time ago).

You need to become strong and fast not just for your sake but for your children's as well. Would you coutenance leaving him for good?.

its going to be really hard to change something thats been a 'way of life' to him tbh. i know with my ex, he was a drinker when i met him, while i was with him and still when i left him! i tried so hard to change him but you cant do it...he has to want to change it..its a shitty situation. i found he went through stages where he drank like a fish all day and night and then it would improve for a while. you can talk to al anon yourself.without him knowing..they do give helpful advice on how to 'live with it' if leaving him is not an option for you iyswim.

thanks noddy

He may have something in his past which he has never dealt with and has found the numbing effect of alcohol helpful in putting it out of his mind Who knows?Only he does really and needs to recognise it himself.He would not go down the drain without you |It could be the rock bottom he needs but attila is right you need to think of you and al anon are brilliant at helping with that

could I just say re hitting rock bottom
everyone has their own version of rock bottom, it doesn't have to be being in the gutter.

Maybe if you told him how you really felt and that you felt it was threatening your marriage that would be enough

He cannot give up the drink without proper help and a willingness on his part to be serious about his problem. I see he's only managed to stop for a month but has now recommenced drinking.

You all need help as a family - its certainly not doing your 13 year old any favours whatsoever to be seeing his Dad as the alcoholic.

If he cannot or will not do anything to properly address his drinking then you as the Mum will need to do something for your children as well as you. You may well have to walk away from him for good. Being there enables him.

i hope that you do look for help and that it is good for you...

to live with an alcoholic is the most stressful demoralising frightening experience esp as a child, and its really not fair for kids, they cant sort it out, but you can...
i cant understand how someone can do this esp when there is all the fun and madness of kids around but..they do..plenty do to....

ireally wish you good luck x

i know i should leave him, but he is not all bad.. and it is not easy and i really worry about kids, esp teenage son.. he doesnt drink all day, he did used to pre children, he lost his job and turned itno a right state..
i shall ring al anon. i am sure i am not alone.
noddy, i presume your dp wanted to change?

i think it is really shyness that makes him drink. actually the only time he talks to me and is affectionate is after a drink.

His rock bottom could be represented by losing his job, his marriage and everything that he supposedly holds dear to him. However, there are no guarantees. This man could lose everything and still decide to carry on drinking. Gibal must realise this. Alcoholics primary relationship is with drink - everything else comes a dim and distance second.

You cannot save or rescue him Gibal; he has to want to help his own self here. Your primary focus must now be seeking support for her own self along with her children.

You are also not responsible for him Gibal.

i love him when he is sober

anyway, thanks for all the kind words..

My dp had tried a few times to 'moderate' When we were first going out I knew he drank a lot but didn't know how the depressive aspect of the illness affected him and it was so sad but I was young and basically left him.In that time someone took him to an AA meeting and it really clicked with him He really wanted to stop drinking and when I saw him sober I was really keen to start our relationship up again but he was so intent on getting well that he said he needed a few months to sort out his own life and decide what he wanted He changed hugely in that time and we have a great life together I still drink and it has never been an issue He is one of the only truly happy people I know and i am so proud of what he has done.I really hope your dh sees the light +