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Original poster

Falling apart - Husband wants divorce

70 replies

matchalatte88 · 23/09/2018 14:07

I’m really looking for some suggestions here. It will be a long post but please please chip in if you can.

My husband and I are each other first. We were together for 8 years since university and married for 2. He adored me, I was his world, his biggest and only love, his everything. I loved him with all my heart too but I didn’t show it as much as he did.

We had problems like every relationship does. He has anger management issues and I often bad mouthed and made him feel bad about his upbringing his money issues (I earn significantly more, I’m more alpha and in general a more excitable one in the relationship). Generally I often made him feel that he was inferior to me.

But regardless of all that we had a happy beautiful 8 years together, beautiful wedding, recently bought a house and wanted to start a family.

I had a miscarriage last year which sent me into depression but we didn’t realize that. Then our new home got burgled, and then I turned 30. Lots of things happened in a few short months resulted in me feeling a little bit cuckoo.

About 4 months ago, shortly after my 30th birthday and after 1 month of trying with zero success I went crazy. I felt like I wanted to break free. I convinced myself and my poor husband that I deserve a second chance and that we need to have a separation for me to find someone better. I was so good and convincing that he agreed to let me have this break.

So I went on this break for 2 months, had some casual dates (nothing serious whatsoever) and suddenly I woke up one day and my senses came back to me. I came home, apologized to my husband and told him I’ve learned my lesson, I never wanted to leave him to begin with it must have been mid-life crisis and all the traumas (miscarriage, burglary, TTC) that drove me insane.

But it seems too late, my husband refused to take me back. He said he wasn’t sure what happened but he couldn’t feel the love for me anymore. He still cares for me, but just no love. At first I thought it was angry so he said that. So I gave him space, I went away to stay with my parents for 3 weeks to let him calm down. He called me once during that 3 weeks and broke down in tears saying how could I leave him like that and dated other people and that he’s so broken he couldn’t feel anything anymore etc.

After 3 weeks I came back, he still wanted nothing to do with me. I cried and cried and beg. He then reluctantly agreed to do a 1-2 month trial with me to see if there is any chance he can feel love for me again. But he also told me to not have any false hope. He will try with me but right now he doesn’t see how could work based on his current feelings.

So, that’s my story. I am completely broken in pieces. I cried all the time. We started the trying out for a few days now. Being next to him is paintful because this is the man who used to adore me, used to be all over me. Now we’re just politely cohabiting with each other with zero affection from him.

How could his love just stopped like that? The break was only 2 months, I told him about my dates but I told him they were just casual and nothing happened. I don’t know what is up with him now, please tell me if and how I can save my marriage.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 23/09/2018 14:13

How could his love just stopped like that

You can't be serious? You've treated him like shit. It didn't just stop. You killed it. Over a period of time. You belittle him, insult him, dumped him, saw other men.

Who would love that? I'm sorry to be blunt, but seriously can you not see it?

I'd dumpy my husband's ass if he did that to me. I'm shocked your husband has so little self esteem he's even considering trying again.

Whisky2014 · 23/09/2018 14:17

How dramatic of you. You dont deserve hin. All this talk of trials etc is like an episode of Friends. He eother forgives or doesnt. Sounds like he doesnt. Thats it. Im sure youll learn your lesson.

Puddington · 23/09/2018 14:19

What Bluntness said honestly, this almost sounds like a reverse. I'm sure he was pretty devastated and unable to understand why your "love stopped just like that" when you told him you needed to leave him to find someone better. That coupled with how you admit to frequently belittling him and any anger issues he might have... I just don't think you're compatible.

rubyroot · 23/09/2018 14:20

Honestly...regardless of your depression you have clearly hurt your husband by your actions and I hate to say it, but you really only have yourself to blame.

You do know what is up with him! You left him and dated other men, he is upset, he is not fawning over you because he is most likely protecting himself from being hurt again.

He's agreed to try with you, that's a lot more than other people would have done. Only time will tell if you can save your marriage and it will clearly depend on whether your husband could forgive you.

I wouldn't forgive someone for this- but your husband may be more forgiving

beela · 23/09/2018 14:22

that we need to have a separation for me to find someone better

I think this is where you went wrong.

ToBeARockAndNotToRoll · 23/09/2018 14:23

The first part of your post, reads as though there were issues to do with anger and power in your relationship. Both are incredibly damaging.

The second part of your post reads as though you have impulsively responded to a series of traumas, and instead of dealing with them together, as a true partnership should, you have pushed him away whilst trying to pursue your happiness, or balance.

I can see how he has fallen out of love with you. We sometimes behave in ways that are alien to us when dealing with trauma and grief. But your treatment of him throughout your relationship could be read as quite cruel.

I think firstly you need to seek professional help in dealing with what has happened to you, and your behaviour in response to that. Perhaps that may help you to both find a way back to each other in the future. However, prepare yourself that he may not ever love you again.

MamaOotie · 23/09/2018 14:25

Be honest, you only want him because the grass isn't greener. It's panic rather than actual love. He is seeing the situation clearly and knows that deep down you don't love or respect him.

Close this chapter in your life, focus on getting your head straight and find out what you really want in life.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2018 14:26

Did you only go back to him because you realised you weren't going to pull someone better and had maybe over estimated just how fabulous you were?

Orlandointhewilderness · 23/09/2018 14:31

God the poor guy. Let him move on and find someone who doesn't treat him like crap.

Kennycalmit · 23/09/2018 14:36

Poor guy

You dumped him after making him feel inferior due to earning less, and then told him you wanted to find someone better. That never happened so you crawled back to him expecting him to welcome you back with open arms?

Nope.... can’t say I blame him.
Please don’t blame depression or anything other than yourself for this. Being burgled doesn’t give you the right to make someone feel inferior.

rageymcrageface · 23/09/2018 14:37

Did you actually tell him you needed a separation for you "to find someone better"?

That's pretty unforgivable in itself.

I think you need to accept the consequences of your actions and let him go.

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/09/2018 14:40

To paraphrase the words of Take That In the twist of separation he excelled at being free. You had your break, but so did he OP and he realised that he liked not being put down and made to feel inferior by you.

maras2 · 23/09/2018 14:41

Sorry about your miscarriage but you sound like a spoiled brat.
You break his heart then whine that you don't know what is up with him Confused
Words fail me.

LondonCrone · 23/09/2018 14:42

He can’t trust you now. Not because you saw other people, necessarily, but because he knows that your love for him turns on and off like a light switch. He may get over this, but it will take months or maybe years of constant reassurance and affection from you to get there.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 23/09/2018 14:43

It sounds like your behaviour has enabled your DP to find his long-lost self esteem and (though I hate the phrase) grow a pair. Good on him.

confusedandemployed · 23/09/2018 14:46

Your poor sod of a husband.

He's well rid. Can you honestly not see how flaky, selfish and inconsiderate you are?

Life lesson: treat people like shit and it will eventually blow up in your face.

Haireverywhere · 23/09/2018 14:46

This sounds like a reverse to me but I apologise if not and sorry for your loss. It sounds like rather than be his biggest cheerleader, as we are supposed to be, you've slowly eroded his sense of self worth but he's pulled himself back from the pits now.

Artofpretending · 23/09/2018 14:47

What did you expect?

Well I think you expected him to always be there and just pick him up after you dropped him. That was selfish and wrong of you and I don’t blame him if he doesn’t forgive you.

Gazelda · 23/09/2018 14:51

What do you think he 2as doing in those 2months you were looking for someone better?

He was probably licking his wounds, going out with mates to drown his sorrows, chatting to family about how he's going to move forward with his life, maybe being encouraged to go on dates. Etc etc.

Then you returned and turned his life upside down again. By which time he'd had 8 weeks of remembering how little you liked to make him feel, how you were the superior earner, how you didn't think him good enough.

I think that it might be useful to suggest couples counselling to him. You might both get something positive out of it, but I suspect it won't save your marriage.

Fontofnoknowledge · 23/09/2018 14:55

If a woman had posted that her husband had behaved as you had - the universal cry from here would be to LTB and not look back and in doing so you will find your life and self esteem 100% better.
Unfortunately, in matters of the heart people rarely do 'what's good for them' - and this appears to go for your husband . By even considering 'a trial' he is giving you a chance. Much much more than you deserve .. AND ALREADY YOU ARE WHINING THAT YOUR NEEDS ARE NOT BEING MET. !!! Life really is all about you isn't it ?

If you are serious, you would be contrite, understanding and above ALL else fucking PATIENT and be busy at the moment with a bit of self awareness and personal de elopement on your inability to put the feelings of someone you profess to love - ahead of your self.

Seriously- you need to grow up and kick the utter self absorption into the long grass.

LizzieSiddal · 23/09/2018 15:02

Maybe if you come to appreciate what you’ve done wrong, your H may be able to forgive you. But there’s zero chance of that at the moment. You sound so self absorbed: go and get counselling from a very well trained and experienced person.

BasicUsername · 23/09/2018 15:09

I feel so sad for your poor husband after reading all of that.

From what you have said, it appears that he put you on a pedestal, and you started to believe the hype.

Now you realise that he was pretty great, and you want him back.

The thing is, you don't sound very sorry or contrite. It sounds like you think that he should just instantly forgive you for your awful behaviour, and go back to how things were before.

Have you even discussed how badly you treated him before you buggered off to "find someone better"?

It isn't just about your 2 month flit, it's about you treating him poorly all along. That's what you need to resolve first and foremost.

I think you are very, very lucky to be given a second chance. Don't waste it. Work on your attitude towards him, be kind to him, and then hope for the best.

LeftRightCentre · 23/09/2018 15:09

I'm so glad he saw sense! Hope he pursues the divorce and finds someone who treats him better. 'Trail seperation' my arse, you wanted to shag about.

LouHotel · 23/09/2018 15:11

Do you not see that this trial is not about him show he loves you but the opposite.

Its your turn to show your love and that your worth the risk to try again. If you are truly serious about earning his forgiveness then YOU need to step up.

Original poster
matchalatte88 · 23/09/2018 15:12

I don’t disagree with most of what everyone here has to say.

Yes I broke his trust, yes I was a spoilt brat.

Our issues and the cause of why I belittled him in the past were a lot more deeply rooted. I’m not defending action. He used to physically abused me, he took my money and gambled about 30k in 1 year. Went I had my miscarriage holding in my hand what I thought was what left of my baby (apologies if TMI) on my way to the hospital for test, in the car he had a fight with me about something completely irrelevant, only because I told him that was not the right time to talk about it. And a lot lot more. Our relationship was beautiful because we both loved each other dearly, but at the same time we brought out the worst in each other.

But I still wanted it back. NO it’s not because I realise the grass wasn’t greener, it’s the other way around. I realised there are better men out there and I could find them. But through those few dates I had a realised even though they are better, they are not my darling husband. And as flawed as he was, I wanted him and all of those flaws. During the 2 months break, many time I called him and said it was a bad idea I missed him dearly and please let me come home now, he said no, carry on finding out your answer and he will be waiting for me. He wanted to show support or what I don’t know. Never once he showed he’s hurt.

Please understand, I’m not blaming the depression but something certainly in my brain was out of whack.

I take all the blame, I don’t need to justify or defend my actions, I was wrong I know that. All I want now is a second chance. Please if someone can give me some advices, please stop focusing on calling me out for what I’ve done. I’m praying to god admitting to my fault everyday that let me pay for what I’ve done, through other means, but please just let me have my husband back.

OP posts: