Falling apart - Husband wants divorce

[matchalatte88]

I’m really looking for some suggestions here. It will be a long post but please please chip in if you can.

My husband and I are each other first. We were together for 8 years since university and married for 2. He adored me, I was his world, his biggest and only love, his everything. I loved him with all my heart too but I didn’t show it as much as he did.

We had problems like every relationship does. He has anger management issues and I often bad mouthed and made him feel bad about his upbringing his money issues (I earn significantly more, I’m more alpha and in general a more excitable one in the relationship). Generally I often made him feel that he was inferior to me.

But regardless of all that we had a happy beautiful 8 years together, beautiful wedding, recently bought a house and wanted to start a family.

I had a miscarriage last year which sent me into depression but we didn’t realize that. Then our new home got burgled, and then I turned 30. Lots of things happened in a few short months resulted in me feeling a little bit cuckoo.

About 4 months ago, shortly after my 30th birthday and after 1 month of trying with zero success I went crazy. I felt like I wanted to break free. I convinced myself and my poor husband that I deserve a second chance and that we need to have a separation for me to find someone better. I was so good and convincing that he agreed to let me have this break.

So I went on this break for 2 months, had some casual dates (nothing serious whatsoever) and suddenly I woke up one day and my senses came back to me. I came home, apologized to my husband and told him I’ve learned my lesson, I never wanted to leave him to begin with it must have been mid-life crisis and all the traumas (miscarriage, burglary, TTC) that drove me insane.

But it seems too late, my husband refused to take me back. He said he wasn’t sure what happened but he couldn’t feel the love for me anymore. He still cares for me, but just no love. At first I thought it was angry so he said that. So I gave him space, I went away to stay with my parents for 3 weeks to let him calm down. He called me once during that 3 weeks and broke down in tears saying how could I leave him like that and dated other people and that he’s so broken he couldn’t feel anything anymore etc.

After 3 weeks I came back, he still wanted nothing to do with me. I cried and cried and beg. He then reluctantly agreed to do a 1-2 month trial with me to see if there is any chance he can feel love for me again. But he also told me to not have any false hope. He will try with me but right now he doesn’t see how could work based on his current feelings.

So, that’s my story. I am completely broken in pieces. I cried all the time. We started the trying out for a few days now. Being next to him is paintful because this is the man who used to adore me, used to be all over me. Now we’re just politely cohabiting with each other with zero affection from him.

How could his love just stopped like that? The break was only 2 months, I told him about my dates but I told him they were just casual and nothing happened. I don’t know what is up with him now, please tell me if and how I can save my marriage.

It's time you learnt that I WANT, don't get.

This is not about what YOU WANT, it the fact that your husband has seen how much better life is without you and that what he has decided is better for him.

You need to have some serious counselling to help get your self into a better position both in life and mentally.

Love doesn’t trump toxicity. Having a child made me realise that in the past there was a lot I was willing to overlook with my Ex because of ‘luuuuuurve’. Becoming a mother made me want more my child than I wanted for myself and woke me from the ‘better the devil’ way of thinking about my relationship. In your case it definitely sounds like a case of ‘better the devil’, you were together a long time and being with him was familiar. It sounds like your ‘breakdown’, was actually a realisation that your relationship wasn’t great and that it wasn’t suitable to bring a child into. The aggression from both of you is no environment for a child.

I think you need to take more time out to understand yourself and the person you are in this relationship.

Op if you want to give your marriage a go you need relationship counseling and to be prepared to put the work in, but he has to agree too.

This all sounds like a load of ⚽️⚾️🏀🏐🏈🎱

You sound so incredibly entitled and downright unpleasant. I hope he stays gone for his sake.

Well that was an uber drip feed in classic MN fashion. Initial responses not to your liking, throw in some game changing additional info that paints your DH in poor light and deflects attention away from your character failings.

At the most basic level, you shouldn’t want to be with someone you’re capable of speaking down to, humiliating, abusing. That’s not love. That’s picking a punching bag. Why would you want to bring a child into this ugly mess? Sorry about your miscarriage but it’s not an excuse for being an abusive unfaithful bitch. At no point going through any of mine have I decided to leave my husband or treat him like shit. Pisses me off that you’re using it as an excuse for your despicable behaviour which, you admit, predated your loss by several years.

Leave him the fuck alone.

I've never heard such nonsense.
Have a word with yourself and use some of your mega salary to get some therapy.
Do not stay with this abuser.

Following your updates OP. You have both been stuck in a codependent abusive relationship and it needs to end.

I think he’s done you both a favour!

Well that was an uber drip feed in classic MN fashion. Initial responses not to your liking, throw in some game changing additional info that paints your DH in poor light and deflects attention away from your character failings

Yup. I'm wondering if there is a class they all go to to learn that.

What about Marriage counselling, I don't think your husband can put a time on the trial. It's going to take time for him to trust you, talking, being honest is imperative really. You also have to be patient with him too, good luck op .

'I don’t know what is up with him now,'

Are you serious?

I think that message thethoughtfox says it all really. OP doesn’t understand her actions have caused all this and that her husband is a separate person from herself and had his own version of the last years events and how he wants to proceed with his life.

WOW!
You need some serious help!
Please get it.
Reach out to every organisation you can.
None of this is normal and hope to god it's not real!

I think that a lot of people may agree with me that those people you get with/form relationships in your late teens early 20's, aren't really long term relationship material because as you grow, mature, together you find that the 'connection" you initially felt isn't really there or enough even, and whilst you still may have feelings for one another what you want out of your future may be completely different, and your hopes and aspirations be completely opposite.
Its often a consequence of getting together too young.
I think you really don't sound best suited, you have both been incredibly cruel to one another, people who truly love one another behave the way you both have, it might be painful now but I'm sure you both deserve a happier future, probably not together!

"Don't" behave

What you consider to be normal relationships issues; belittling, thinking yourself more powerful because of your earnings, and his anger, are NOT normal relationship issues. You need to let go.

you two are seriously screwed up, I'd suggest about a million mile distance to ensure he doesn't physically assault you (he's plenty ammo now) and you don't decide you need another break (look for better), there is no love here whatsoever.

You really need some help. This is seriously fucked up. And no, no relationship that has been physically abusive and as awful on both sides as this is "beautiful".