Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Falling apart - Husband wants divorce

70 replies

matchalatte88 · 23/09/2018 14:07

I’m really looking for some suggestions here. It will be a long post but please please chip in if you can.

My husband and I are each other first. We were together for 8 years since university and married for 2. He adored me, I was his world, his biggest and only love, his everything. I loved him with all my heart too but I didn’t show it as much as he did.

We had problems like every relationship does. He has anger management issues and I often bad mouthed and made him feel bad about his upbringing his money issues (I earn significantly more, I’m more alpha and in general a more excitable one in the relationship). Generally I often made him feel that he was inferior to me.

But regardless of all that we had a happy beautiful 8 years together, beautiful wedding, recently bought a house and wanted to start a family.

I had a miscarriage last year which sent me into depression but we didn’t realize that. Then our new home got burgled, and then I turned 30. Lots of things happened in a few short months resulted in me feeling a little bit cuckoo.

About 4 months ago, shortly after my 30th birthday and after 1 month of trying with zero success I went crazy. I felt like I wanted to break free. I convinced myself and my poor husband that I deserve a second chance and that we need to have a separation for me to find someone better. I was so good and convincing that he agreed to let me have this break.

So I went on this break for 2 months, had some casual dates (nothing serious whatsoever) and suddenly I woke up one day and my senses came back to me. I came home, apologized to my husband and told him I’ve learned my lesson, I never wanted to leave him to begin with it must have been mid-life crisis and all the traumas (miscarriage, burglary, TTC) that drove me insane.

But it seems too late, my husband refused to take me back. He said he wasn’t sure what happened but he couldn’t feel the love for me anymore. He still cares for me, but just no love. At first I thought it was angry so he said that. So I gave him space, I went away to stay with my parents for 3 weeks to let him calm down. He called me once during that 3 weeks and broke down in tears saying how could I leave him like that and dated other people and that he’s so broken he couldn’t feel anything anymore etc.

After 3 weeks I came back, he still wanted nothing to do with me. I cried and cried and beg. He then reluctantly agreed to do a 1-2 month trial with me to see if there is any chance he can feel love for me again. But he also told me to not have any false hope. He will try with me but right now he doesn’t see how could work based on his current feelings.

So, that’s my story. I am completely broken in pieces. I cried all the time. We started the trying out for a few days now. Being next to him is paintful because this is the man who used to adore me, used to be all over me. Now we’re just politely cohabiting with each other with zero affection from him.

How could his love just stopped like that? The break was only 2 months, I told him about my dates but I told him they were just casual and nothing happened. I don’t know what is up with him now, please tell me if and how I can save my marriage.

OP posts:

Whocansay · 23/09/2018 15:14

You appear to have zero self awareness. You took some time out to find someone better, but it didn't occur to you that he would also have time to reflect? Maybe HE met someone better, whilst you were out on dates.

Your behaviour has been shockingly bad. How can you be surprised that he doesn't love you anymore? You killed it.

Whocansay · 23/09/2018 15:15

Fuck me, that's one hell of a drip feed!

Mrsharrison · 23/09/2018 15:16

Be honest with yourself. You always thought you were a cut above him. That made you feel secure.
But you got bored - nothing to do with the awful trauma you experienced (he experienced the trauma too and didn't go insane did he?).
I think you need to find a partner you truly respect and let dp find someone who truly loves him.

ScreamingValenta · 23/09/2018 15:19

I'm sorry to hear of your miscarriage .

From what you've said in your latest post about the abuse and gambling, you are better off without him. I would take the opportunity to part while he also wants this.

Whocansay · 23/09/2018 15:21

I don't think you can do anything. He will either come round, or he won't. Personally, I think you've done too much damage, but he's agreed to try. I suspect if you try and force, you will push him away.

rageymcrageface · 23/09/2018 15:22

If what you have said is true, I think it's even more for the best that you stay apart. Neither of you truly love each other as you say you do, and that is no relationship to bring children into.

Artofpretending · 23/09/2018 15:23

Your last post changes things. I would let each other go now.

laceygo · 23/09/2018 15:25

I did the same many years ago... begged him to take me back and he quite rightly refused . I was heartbroken and was a mess for at least a year.
BUT 18 years later I'm happily married to my now DH and realise that I wouldn't have done what I did if I'd been truly happy.
You're missing the security or whatever it is you think u had with him but if u think about it u don't truly love him. It's best for both if u call it quits now.

Mrsharrison · 23/09/2018 15:25

His abuse can re emerge at any time. After your recent dates with other men, I think your dp is a potential danger who will hold these other men over your head.

You are playing with fire.

Whisky2014 · 23/09/2018 15:26

Yeh just move on

BasicUsername · 23/09/2018 15:27

Gosh, well the info contained in your update would have been useful to have in the OP!

What a mess.

thelonggame · 23/09/2018 15:29

this can't be for real?

SoyDora · 23/09/2018 15:31

I was going to comment then read your drip feed.
Seriously, just split up. As you said, you bring out the worst in each other.

DioneTheDiabolist · 23/09/2018 15:32

Your marriage was not beautiful, it was a toxic nightmare. And it doesn't sound as though it would be any better in the future. It's time to leave it behind OP. Maybe you can't see it now, but hopefully your husband does.

SaturdaySauv · 23/09/2018 15:39

You’ll both be much better off apart.

Givemeallyourcucumber · 23/09/2018 15:42

Sounds like a plot to a movie or something. Like the sequel to 'Gone Girl'

I think you are both better off without each other.

Original poster

matchalatte88 · 23/09/2018 15:43

I know my second post will send people into saying just split up. The reason I didn’t include any of that in the first post because I don’t want to distract people and want to focus on getting him back.

I really didn’t want to focus on the faults that each of us has done to each other :(. I know it sounds like a toxic relationship, but it wasn’t. We loved each other dearly. We dated since late teen early 20. And we have went through all the challenges together in the past 8-10 years. I just can’t let go. I just really cannot let go. Like I said I know I can find a better man. But I don’t want to, I just want my dear husband back and all his flaws. I thought of dying just a month ago at the thought of losing us forever. And no, someone said I want to shag men during the break, I didn’t want to and there was no shagging.

I will change and I’ve changed now. Im home with him and I do more cooking and taking care showing him I love him. I will never ever belittle him ever again, I know that was wrong I don’t need him to earn as much as me he has big debt with the bank (due to previous gambling issue but he had stopped for 2 years now) but I earn way enough for both of us and to raise babies in the future.

I just want a second chance.

OP posts:

SoyDora · 23/09/2018 15:45

Even without your second post I’d say split up. You’re flogging a dead horse.
If anyone ever said this to me...

that we need to have a separation for me to find someone better

I’d be gone, regardless of anything else.

HollowTalk · 23/09/2018 15:45

Quite honestly, you both sound really horrible.

Quartz2208 · 23/09/2018 15:47

Oh OP it’s so deeply toxic and codependent you both need to break away

Quartz2208 · 23/09/2018 15:48

And no children should be brought into your relatoonship

Mrsharrison · 23/09/2018 15:49

So you are going to totally re invent your marriage and subjugate your personality to save this marriage.
Can you truly change your view of him just like that?
Bend over backwards by all means. You probably will get him back. But you can't change your true character and the two of you will implode again.

Figgygal · 23/09/2018 15:51

No regardless of what you said in your most recent post that is a toxic relationship and both of you are better off out of it before kids come along and they have to be subjected to it

vdbfamily · 23/09/2018 15:56

You could end up with a really inappropriate power balance if you start bending over backwards to please him and he could use this as revenge. If you stand any chance you need to start again with dating and see if you actually even like each other. First sign of control or violence you need to run a mile. You have both behaved badly

lifebegins50 · 23/09/2018 15:57

You are struggling to let go, that isn't love but dependence. Perhaps because he is all you have known you are clinging on to an image that isn't reality.

Be with someone who brings out the best in you, not worst in you.

Are their any cultures issues that may cause pressure to stay married?

Flip

1 2 3