I'm in a dreadful situation

[Dunnowhattosay1]

Please help me?! I've been with my partner for 8 years. We have 2 kids. It's always been a fairly turbulent relationship and he has the hottest temper. An argument quickly ascends into absolute chaos, name calling and put downs. For whatever reason he has such a hold over me. My councellor.. yes I have one and pay £40 an hour off simply offload to him. Anyways, he says it's like gambling... U give and give and give and get nothing in return and then that one time u get the slightest thing from him you are on cloud 9 and think you're in the happiest relationship of all. My family absolutely hate him and all the too"ING and fro'ing is wearing thin at this point. I wait till we have a bust up where he'll call me a cunt, a slag, a this, that and the other and then I'll say I can't do it anymore and that he has to leave. I tell my parents its for good this time but it doesn't take long for him to reel me back in. The 'i miss u' texts start... And texts about how I'm his sole mate bla bla bla and before I know I'm asking him to come back, so so in love with him. I desperately want a happy family but I know deep down I'll never have it with him. I've lost all my friends, simply because he has none so I stopped the life I had where I went out with friends etc because I couldn't bear the thought of him sitting on his own. Understandably, people get tired of asking and for as long as I can remember it's just him and me every night, every weekend, just living in a bubble. He used to to self harm when he was younger and had a previous suicide attempt when he was younger and his own family situation is terrible. He's an only child of an alcoholic mother and a father who take her back time and time and time again. She's one of life's takers tho and she'll go back and live with his father when she is running short in some other department. My bf hasn't had an easy upbringing but me and the girls offer him the most stability he could wish for but I feel like I'm his emotional punch bag. I've caught him on a gay chatroom and sending pictures of himself when I was 5 months pregnant. Ive caught him searching for hookers in our area when I found his phone lying on the kitchen floor. He turns all this around on me and tells me it's because i offer him no reassurance or affection and he feels lonely in his own relationship... I actually end up apologising. He smoke grass morning, noon and night and can't go to work in the morning before he's had some. Me and the girls are sitting waiting for him in the car. For years people have been telling me I need to leave and that having the girls grow up in a situation where daddy is screaming and mammy isn't healthy for them...but pity bringse back time and time and time again. I can't bear the thought.of him sitting in his dad's house at the weekend, with a box of beer and no friends and I'm worried he'll kill himself so I take him back and we have a good couple of days and then it's I still back to the same old shit. Recently I've started to go to my friends mum's house on a Saturday night. I've been like 4 times in total and it takes me about a week to even mention it because.of the reaction. I'll get the silent treatment followed by an argument and recently I've actually had a taxi pre booked for coming back home before I've even left the house to go... This is all just to try and make him not angry at me. I'm so so lost. I have a great support network and I own my house myself. I have epilepsy and I'm getting brain surgery in London later this year. I'm just a mess. He's gone since Monday but I'm already struggling to stick to my guns. I feel terrible about sending him packing and at the risk of my family and the little friends I have being annoyed at me, I'm contemplating taking him back. I have the personality to make a good life and restore a social life, even with 2 kids. My mammy and daddy are amazing and help with them and would encourage me to go out and meet new people. He lacks any sort of social awareness or the communication skills to make new friends so I suffer the consequences and were entangled once again in this repeatative cycle. Please give me some advice?

You know what you have to do. He's abusive and your children are going to grow up in this toxic mess. More than that, you deserve better.
Make your decision and stick to it. It's hard - many of us have been in your situation. But you have to be strong - when you've kicked him out, and you need to, block his number, communicate via a family member if possible. The nice stuff is not real. It's an act.
You can do this, but you have to want to, really want to.

He is a child of dysfunction and trauma but you can't take it on yourself to save him or fix him. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
Your obligation is to your own health and your children's health.

You have recognised the cycle of abuse which is a great first step. How are you finding the counselling, are they encouraging you to leave him?

It sounds awful! He sounds awful!

If you can’t say no to him coming back for your own sake surely you can see you must do it for your girls.

They mustn’t see their DM being treated like this or hear him calling you names.

You say yourself it’s a cycle - it’s brilliant that you recognise that. You know what’s coming if he comes back so whattthe point? Break the cycle.

So what if he’s lonely at his Dads house? He brought it in himself! He could have a lovely family life with you and he throws it back at you repeatedly by being so awful.

Also, realise that he is playing the role of abusive addict like his mum, and you are taking him back again and again, just like his dad. Your kids are going to grow up just like him and on the cycle goes. But you can be strong and break the cycle for them!

You are responsible for the happiness, health and wellbeing of yourself and your children.

Nothing more.

Every part of his life is his decision. You have no obligation or responsibility to make his life better.

You can be happier.

You really need to consider the devastating effect this is having on your children. You are bribing them up in a toxic environment and this will have long lasting consequences as they grow up if you don't change things.

You cannot save your DP but you can save yourself and your children. Leave him for good and get your life back.

OP. You have got to break this cycle and leave for good for the sake of your kids and your wellbeing. You can not fix him by loving him. He does not love you or he wouldn't treat you like a verbal punchbag.

I'm literally in floods of tears just reading your response. I know what has to be done but why in under his can't I just stick to it. Why do I let pity take over all the time and why does the slightest crumb of goodness from him make me feel like the luckiest most loved girl in the world

Stop blaming him and own your choices.

You need to work on raising your self esteem and be confident that you can walk away and possibly find a man in the future who will treat you with the respect and love you deserve.

Crikey that's a dark thread, but surely actually this is v positive. If you are able to write so lucidly on this, it shows you are seeing the situation more clearly.

As you know, it's obvious this needs to end forever ASAP.

It's going to be a gritty few months but you'll look back in a year's time and wonder why you hadn't done it sooner.

Good luck

My councellor to s amazing and I've built up a real bond with him but he has said to me already what's the point in me paying to come and see him if I don't heed any of his advice? I know he and everyone else are right and u are all amazing for replying to me. I'm new to this. I have so much reading on a page called 'her way'. It's class. I've diagnosed the whole relationship as empath/narcacist (probably spelt wrong). I know I'm not responsible for his happiness. I just wish I could stop apologising to him for things I know I haven't done wrong. Thanks guys

Well you just said his mumsa taker and so he is. He probably doesn't know any other way but perhaps that's for you to merely point out to him and show him in his merry way.

Why do I let pity take over all the time and why does the slightest crumb of goodness from him make me feel like the luckiest most loved girl in the world

Because if I tied you to a chair, OP, and pistol whipped you for 23 hours out of every day, that one hour when I wasn't pistol whipping you would probably feel very good.

I’ve been in your situation, took me years to finally leave but I did it one day and am so glad I did! Some days are lonely and after being in a relationship like yours you probably lost a lot of friends so it’s hard without that support. Be your own support, be strong for your kids! My kids are more balanced these days after I took them away from the toxic environment.
You’ve been apologising for years so it’s become habit, in time that will fade. It’s strange how one person can turn you into a doormat and walk all over you when you wouldn’t take that type of crap off of anyone else. Stay strong for your self and your kids, he will be fine regardless of any threats he makes, he’s probably become good at manipulating you. X

Google Trauma bonding, or type it into YouTube.

My counsellor taught me about the neural pathways of the brain. We end up getting stuck in cycles because we take the same route every time. It's initially difficult to take a new path, as we are out of our comfort zone, but keep doing it and it gets easier.

You are in such a great position to leave, you have a house, you have supportive family! You're going to have a great life!

Just been reading about Trauma Bonding. OMG this s is exactly it. I genuinely feel better having put this post up and despjtey family and councellor etc telling me for ages that this relationship is bad for me, it's kind of reassuring to hear it from people who are to an extent, impartial. He has just.come to collect the kids. An hour late. Standard behaviour. He'll head to his dad's now where his parents will do the majority of work and when it comes to the morning time, you can guarantee he won't be getting up to sort them. Thanks so much folks. Massive appreciation x

Please take the blinders off. The damage being done to your children will haunt them for the rest of their lives unless you put an end to this madness. Stop lying to yourself and stop blaming your partner for your refusal to demand a better life for your children. End it already.

You and your children deserve better than this. Your girls deserve so much more. The example they are being set currently will screw them up for life.

Make a note of all he has done, keep it close and look at it evwry time you feel yourself softening. But most of all think of your children.

I don't know what you're waiting for, but keep on with the counselling, you'll figure it out and find the strength eventually through that.

You’ve identified that his childhood has impacted him significantly and he is dysfunctional and abusive.

Fast forward twenty years and you haven’t left this relationship. Ask yourself how this will have affected your daughters? Do you think they will have had a normal upbringing? Will they know what a relationship should look like? It’s likely that they will choose partners who are similar to their father.

I think your posts show you can intellectually see what is wrong here but you are emotionally unable to disengage. Have you looked into codependency?

You know what the right decision is. You can’t waste years on this man waiting for him to change, because he won’t.

Please don’t take him back. He needs to go to counselling and commit to sorting himself out. He won’t do that if you keep taking him back

I've already asked him about councelling before. I've brought it up loads to him, that he has massive issues with anger and there's things he needs to address that will make himself feel better. He is of the "how dare you' mindset and says his anger and outburst are only as a result of my behaviour. I found my best friend hanging in a wardrobe 7 years ago in september, which is why I'm very sensitive about the suicide thing but I genuinely think it's something he has the constitution for and if it goes beyond the normal situation where in a matter of days he'll be back, then it's something I genuinely fear is a possibility. You guys are all so right, especially about me taking ownership of the situation and bringing the girls up in a happy enviornment. The girls genuinely live him and DD is 3 so she's aware enough to know that something is wrong and keeps clinging to his leg when he's dropping them off or saying 'come in the car mammy when he collects them but I'll suppose that's something that'll pass and in the meantime I have to give her credit for understanding that something's different and that she'll deal with it in her own wee way. There's been no drunken texts from him this weekend, which is a rarity. Maybe he's starting to think is real?

[Edited by MNHQ to remove personal information]

I agree with cawfee. He needs counselling. Until he does he will not change. You would be doing him a favour by not taking him back by insisting he goes into counselling before you discuss any kind of future.

You would be dangling him on a string but for the right reasons.

But even with counselling i don't hold out much hope for you and him together.

I know a couple exactly like you. They are nearly 60 and their lives are complete shit.

OP you've your wee girls name in that last post if you want to contact MNHQ to edit it?

Just hit report post and ask them to edit it.

Are you in England?