I'm in a dreadful situation

[Dunnowhattosay1]

Please help me?! I've been with my partner for 8 years. We have 2 kids. It's always been a fairly turbulent relationship and he has the hottest temper. An argument quickly ascends into absolute chaos, name calling and put downs. For whatever reason he has such a hold over me. My councellor.. yes I have one and pay £40 an hour off simply offload to him. Anyways, he says it's like gambling... U give and give and give and get nothing in return and then that one time u get the slightest thing from him you are on cloud 9 and think you're in the happiest relationship of all. My family absolutely hate him and all the too"ING and fro'ing is wearing thin at this point. I wait till we have a bust up where he'll call me a cunt, a slag, a this, that and the other and then I'll say I can't do it anymore and that he has to leave. I tell my parents its for good this time but it doesn't take long for him to reel me back in. The 'i miss u' texts start... And texts about how I'm his sole mate bla bla bla and before I know I'm asking him to come back, so so in love with him. I desperately want a happy family but I know deep down I'll never have it with him. I've lost all my friends, simply because he has none so I stopped the life I had where I went out with friends etc because I couldn't bear the thought of him sitting on his own. Understandably, people get tired of asking and for as long as I can remember it's just him and me every night, every weekend, just living in a bubble. He used to to self harm when he was younger and had a previous suicide attempt when he was younger and his own family situation is terrible. He's an only child of an alcoholic mother and a father who take her back time and time and time again. She's one of life's takers tho and she'll go back and live with his father when she is running short in some other department. My bf hasn't had an easy upbringing but me and the girls offer him the most stability he could wish for but I feel like I'm his emotional punch bag. I've caught him on a gay chatroom and sending pictures of himself when I was 5 months pregnant. Ive caught him searching for hookers in our area when I found his phone lying on the kitchen floor. He turns all this around on me and tells me it's because i offer him no reassurance or affection and he feels lonely in his own relationship... I actually end up apologising. He smoke grass morning, noon and night and can't go to work in the morning before he's had some. Me and the girls are sitting waiting for him in the car. For years people have been telling me I need to leave and that having the girls grow up in a situation where daddy is screaming and mammy isn't healthy for them...but pity bringse back time and time and time again. I can't bear the thought.of him sitting in his dad's house at the weekend, with a box of beer and no friends and I'm worried he'll kill himself so I take him back and we have a good couple of days and then it's I still back to the same old shit. Recently I've started to go to my friends mum's house on a Saturday night. I've been like 4 times in total and it takes me about a week to even mention it because.of the reaction. I'll get the silent treatment followed by an argument and recently I've actually had a taxi pre booked for coming back home before I've even left the house to go... This is all just to try and make him not angry at me. I'm so so lost. I have a great support network and I own my house myself. I have epilepsy and I'm getting brain surgery in London later this year. I'm just a mess. He's gone since Monday but I'm already struggling to stick to my guns. I feel terrible about sending him packing and at the risk of my family and the little friends I have being annoyed at me, I'm contemplating taking him back. I have the personality to make a good life and restore a social life, even with 2 kids. My mammy and daddy are amazing and help with them and would encourage me to go out and meet new people. He lacks any sort of social awareness or the communication skills to make new friends so I suffer the consequences and were entangled once again in this repeatative cycle. Please give me some advice?

The chances of your children ending up like him are high. That's how it goes, sadly.

Take a look at codependency, go along to a CoDA group. Seriously, go along to a group, read the literature. You already know this is an addiction, it has all the hallmarks of an addiction. Tackle this for your girls, once and for all. Go to CoDA.

Do the Freedom Programme. Go along to a group - Google it and find a group near you and go asap.

Chick stick to your guns. He is no good for you. I was in a similar position to you, but it got to the point where I wasn't worried about him killing himself, but me wanting to kill myself. Don't let it get that far. You need to get rid of him for the long term, not only for your sake, but for your girls. Xxxx

Please feel welcome to pm me if you want to chat xxx

Well done to you for having the strength to end this toxic relationship. The kids will be unsettled, but kids are generally very resilient and will be ok. You are doing the right thing. You know this relationship is unhealthy and needs to end. Stick to your guns, knowing you are doing the best for your family. He will try and manipulate you, but it sounds like you are getting your head in the right place to recognise this and stay strong against it. Keep talking to us.

The worst about it is, if I manage to stick to this, and he begins to become aware of the finality, he'll make this exceedingly difficult. It won't be about making things as amicable as possible for the sake of the girls, but will become more about making things awkward for ke., Completely out of spite. Bottom line is, he rather sit and be miserable here, having his dinners made, his washing done, his girls taken care of than have to leave and be miserable somewhere else on his own and having to do all these things for himself. I used to be able to drive bit since epilepsy diagnosis I'm not allowed. The crèche is the other side of town and it costs £12 for me to take them there in a taxi and get dropped off to work afterwards. My mum took them every day last time time he was gone and even though she wouldn't see me stuck, I think it's unfair to ask her to take them every morning. He lives across town but when I say across town, I mean about 15 minutes away. He caklme and got them one day last week, probably trying to get me on side and thinking it was one step closer to me taking him back. He was a half hour late and as a result I was late for work. That's typical of him. He can't be relied upon to get himself out of bed in the morning and instead will lie there until it's absolutely essential to get up. I get up at 7.15 every morning so I can get myself showered and ready before the girls get up about 7.45. I get them ready. . Sorry, Peppa pig and me get them ready. He'd lie in his bed until about 8.40, then get up, get dressed and have a bong (for grass). He told me during the week that if this becomes more permanent, I can forget about him coming over to give us a lift. My mammy would do a couple of days for me but unless she volunteered to do more, I wouldn't ask and he'd see me being out the best part of £40 a week to get them to crèche, before he'd come and collect them. That's the measure of him. He can work Flexi so he can start any time between 8am and 10am...he was always late or in at 10. Never earlier and as a result the girls were always the last 2 wee girls to get collected from crèche. Lousy. Sometimes he wasn't getting them till after 6 and the crèche were sending messages to say they weren't insured beyond 6 so could we please be on time. I don't have the means to collect them so unfortunately I'm completely reliant on him. I'd have the place emaculate when he got home and dinner on the table and wee Lamps lit and a washing drying over the heaters. He wouldn't as much as acknowledge the effort and when I brought it up during one of our talks he said "u expect me to say thanks to you for things you'd have to do even if I wasn't there?". As well as sorting the girls in the mornings, I'd iron his shirts. No gratitude shown for this either. There been times he's come home to a dinner of pork chops (neither me or the girls eat these), roast potatoes, peas, carrots and gravy and he'd literally scrape the chops into the bin or give them to the dog, tell me they weren't cooked and that he'd have cereal later. I'd then take the girls to my mum and dad's and bring them down for bed time. He got an easy run. What am I supposed to do about getting them to crèche every morning? This is a nightmare.

P.S thanks to everyone for reading, understanding and replying. I feel like I'm just bombarding everyone with example and complaining but it just helps to get it out if you get me? The more I vent and he more comments I get is helping me to see this as permanent and I feel like I'm gradually becoming a wee bit stronger. I'm not in England. I'm in northern Ireland but I will definitely check out some support groups or give woman's aid a call tomorrow.

OP, tell your parents that you're very determined this time. They sound like great support to you and although they may have heard it loads of times before, they'll help You as much as they can.
If you're separated, he'll need to pay child support. Maybe That'll help with your travel?
Are there alternative childcare providers? A CM or a nursery nearer to your work? Your parents might be willing to help one or two days a week permanently?
You know you have to permanently split from him. Otherwise your girls will grow up and be making the same excuses as him - dysfunctional childhood has scarred them and caused their difficult relationships.

Your last post made me feel very angry. What a selfish arse he is! However he’s got no reason to change and he won’t. Please get all the support you can and make plans to leave. Your life can be so much better than this! But you have to be strong and believe it. 💜

My councellor.. yes I have one and pay £40 an hour off simply offload to him. Anyways, he says it's like gambling

Try approaching this from the perspective of an addict - as that's what gambling is.
You're addicted to a drug of your choice - HIM.
Only you can make the change to beat this addiction.

why does the slightest crumb of goodness from him make me feel like the luckiest most loved girl in the world
...because you're relying on a harmful outside agent to provide you with emotional sustenance and self worth.
So you need to replace that harmful agent with self care, something positive, that enables you to find your own self worth.

he'll make this exceedingly difficult
An addict in recovery is surrounded by places, people and things that will pull them back into addiction unless they set strong boundaries - that can include ending certain relationships.

You already have support from your counsellor and family, now you just need to identify the underlying causes behind your addiction and find coping strategies to help you manage your recovery.

Thank u for that. Really insightful. Brilliant.

Can I just ask a wee question though? I'm in my mid 30's now with 2 children and although meeting someone else couldn't be further from my mind, I'm worried about how I'll fill my weekends and stuff when I get a night off. I've started going to my friends house for a bottle of wine and I really enjoy it but beyond that I don't really have a lot of friends and all the people I know are in relationships or married with kids so opportunities to go out and things are really limited. I sound like an out an out moaner now I know but it is something I think about. Down the line I'd have no issue using a dating sight or whatever but that side of things isn't something I'm interested in for now. I'd like to be out and about tho but I feel I have little options available to me. I think it would help me to remain determined if I wasn't sitting at home watching TV everytime I get a Saturday night off. I sound so so selfish I know.

Lean on your mum. That's what mums are there for. You'd jump through fire to help one of your daughters in the same situation, right?

Dunnowhattosay1, I'm really sorry about your friend. That is truly terrible. I hope you can discuss it with your counsellor.

I'm sure you know that threatening suicide is one of the tricks in an abuser's arsenal - to make you feel more responsible for them. But it's NOT your responsibility and it's certainly not a reason to stay with him and submit yourself and your girls to his shite. Are you Irish by any chance?

Turn your phone off. He's going to up the ante, and probably make all sorts of promises about 'changing'. He might even agree to counselling, but I bet he's fully expecting to reel you back in. Have a read of these abuser profiles by Lundy Bancroft. Abusers always fall into certain patterns.

Abuser types

And keep posting here for support. xx

Is there a nearer crèche or a childminder you could use as an alternative? And your Mum help a couple of days a week?

Do you get help with childcare costs at all? If not, I’d take a look at what you might be entitled to

Yeah I'm Irish n I thought we were meant to be lucky 🤔

Would you like your children to be writing a similar post when they are adults, because they have been brought up to think a toxic environment is normal? Please think of the children. He is a twat whos had more than enough chances

What county are u in? There's a NICMA list with local childminders on it. Do you work full time? Maybe if you're entitled to help and there's something like am afterschools club it can still be do-able. You need to not rely on him pet.

You need counselling too. There's a FB page called "a safe place to be me" they carry out counselling sessions (I don't work for them but a family member has had counselling through them) they're based in Crumlin but I think they have bases other places.

You don't need this waste of space in your life. Be strong. Do you have a good circle of friends? I know if you were one of my mates I'd be trying to help you get on your feet. But he is not your responsibility, his happiness is not your responsibility.
You need to look after yourself and the two wanes, let him run on!!

And let your mammy help, as a mammy I know i'd be only too happy to help x

Sorry - thicko here just re-read your post and I see you lost your friends because he didn't like to go out.

Can you contact them? Maybe they know deep down he is abusive and they'll be there in the wings when needed.

Hiya.. I'm in Derry but I'm going to sit tonight and do a few searches for groups and things the girls are in bed. My mammy xak down and gave me a hand. I'm worn out emotionally and physically but I genuinely do think this is the end. He is going to be a bastard going forward. Sorry about the language but sometimes it's just needed to properly express what he's like. Im worried going forward but I know life can and will be good. The two girls are my life and soul but it's just a pity that he'll never be fully out of my life kind of thing.

Oh forgot to mention, I'm going to check out the FB page now. Thanks so much x

Not going to lie. I'm kinda sad atm. Sitting in the living room and just miss him. Ties in with the trauma Bonding thing I suppose. Maybe it's just been a long and stressful week and I'm kinda in need of a hug or something but I just kinda wish the nice version of him was sitting next to me. Pipe dreams. I know it'll never happen so I know it's best ti just put it to the back of my mind but it's just shit

Me and my ex had some bad rows and I always previously gave in when "nice version" appeared, but finally like you i realised that "nice" never stayed long.
Once I wouldn't tread the well worn path I was sworn at, pushed, had doors shoved in my face, he would turn off the cooker halfway through the children's dinners, or worse, turn the oven right up to burn the food. He did not leave until his solicitor told him it would look bad in court to ask for money with 5 grand in the bank so he spent it on furnishings a flat.
My point of this rambling is that it might have to get worse to get better. You should remember like i did that if you get back with him now, you'd only have to do this all again, so you might as well push through. If he has an amazing epiphany, well then you can start dating him from your separate houses.
No epiphany here, just an escalation to assault. Well rid. Good luck, push through, my kids are so much happier now.

Put your children first. They are being abused are and they don't deserve it. You say you miss him pass the bucket Your children are living in hell and you are concerned about mood lighting and pleasing an abuser. If you can't do it for yourself do it for your children.

You do not have the 'personality' to make a good life for your children. They are living in hell. Thank God for your mother.

Wake up and protect your children.

OP, with abusive partners you have to remember that the 'nice' persona is the fake one. The real person is the abusive one, try and keep that in mind.

a further disaster this morning. he said he'd bring them to crèche today... he was AN HOUR LATE. when I rang him to ask where he was, he started shouting down the phone... swearing at me and told me to get a taxi from here on in. he then mailed me to work an hour later... obviously changing his tune. just said "im sorry about this morning, next time ill be on time". he cant be relied upon for ANYTHING because quite simply he cant get out of bed in the morning. I just replied and said forget about it, I wont ask you again. that's his problem.. he lets the anger take over and theres a massive outburst and then a while later when hes had a chance to cool off he'll give it the whole sheepish bit and normally all is forgotten. he realises the finality this time though so after I told him I wouldn't ask again, he started sending loads of shitty e-mails to which I just said, I don't need you. when they're on my time, ill sort it myself. I also told him to change his address to his daddys house because that will allow me to claim tax credits as a single parent and ill get most of the crèche paid for me. im only going down that road because he has told me he is cancelling the direct debit for the crèche etc but also telling him to change his address hammers home to him that I mean this and low and behold I haven't heard back from him since. that'll be him sitting there now in a world of hurt... and there was me last night letting the pity creep back when in fact he was obviously sitting having beers and watching the football all day and was just too hungover to get out of bed, get his shit sorted and get to work on time. he'll never change.

p.s I have an apt with woman's aid today @ 3pm