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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are there actually any nice men out there?

52 replies

needsomereassurance · 22/09/2018 09:42

NC for this but just wondering if there are any decent men out there? Does anyone actually know any?! Ones who don’t have affairs or constantly pester for sex?

I’m in need of some reassurance; I’m facing the end of my marriage and if reading this board is anything to go by, then all the other men are as bad as, or worse, than my STBXH!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 22/09/2018 09:45

Of course there are nice men. Confused

People don’t post on here to say their husband is wonderful. It’s s skewed sample of what relationships are generally like.

Sorry you’ve had a tough time. Flowers

blueangel1 · 22/09/2018 09:47

I have a lovely one, but it took a long time and several failures before I found him.

LuckyDiamond · 22/09/2018 09:49

There are. However some of them start off that way but turn into the arse you described many years later.

It’s a gamble.

As long as you don’t settle for someone who is a cunt to start with or has form for being one, I think that’s the best chance you can give yourself. (At least 3 women I know have gone on to MARRY men who they’ve caught cheating WTF is that about?).

Or date someone insecure about some aspect of themself that makes them hugely grateful to you for gracing them with your presence (that bit is a joke, almost)

Ginsodden · 22/09/2018 09:51

Yes, but he’s taken 😀

I don’t post on this board about how wonderful my dh is, it would be insensitive, but they certainly exist.

NotTheFordType · 22/09/2018 09:52

are any decent men out there?

Yeah loads!

Ones who don’t have affairs or constantly pester for sex?

Ahhh....

If you don't enjoy sex then I;d suggest only datng your fellow asexuals

Ophelialovescats · 22/09/2018 09:55

Are there any nice women out there ?
I can't find a book group that doesn't gossip and bitch about other women ....and constantly talk about GCSEs and University places !

Allalittlebitshit2019 · 22/09/2018 09:55

I think we have to take some responsibility on finding a nice man! You can end up attracting the wrong kind of man if your not in a good head space yourself.
I've been on a few dates myself but really dont feel as if im in the right place atm to find someone, i need to concentrate on myself and my children. I need to finish sorting out my shit from an unpleasant divorce i dont need or want a man to help me with that. Once im all sorted then i may consider dating, but i know i will be in a much better place to meet the right kind of me.

Beamur · 22/09/2018 09:58

Yes there are. Not perfect, but there are very many kind, decent men out there.
You have to be in the right place in yourself to find them though.

YouTakeTheBiscuit · 22/09/2018 09:58

Op I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now, with relationships breaking down,
but fear not in time you will meet a lovely decent man, and just think somewhere in this big wide world there is a man thinking the exact same as you,

i met my now husband when i was not looking for someone he is my happy ending and we've been through some shit times with illnesses and we've stuck by each other through it all when most people would of reaced for the door, it may seem childlike and immature abut i do believe there is a soulmate for everyone, if my present self had gone back in time and said that to my previous self i'd of probably told the now me I was a delusional dickhead!

hang on in there you will meet a nice guy eventually but as PP said dont "settle" you deserve someone who appreciates and loves you in all the loveliness and all the ugliness life throws at us.

CantankerousCamel · 22/09/2018 10:00

I think that there’s a lull in your thirties to find nice men.

Basically because they’re all taken! But I think they get divorced soon enough and I’ve a few friends who have met lovely men in their 40s

Babdoc · 22/09/2018 10:01

The good ones tend to get snapped up early, OP! I met my wonderful DH when I was 19 and he was 20.
Sadly he died when he was 36, and I’ve never found another in the 27 years since. But I’ve still had a life, a career and raised my lovely children.
Good luck with your search, but don’t settle for crap, and don’t panic if you don’t find someone.

Sethis · 22/09/2018 10:02

The internet is a bad place to gauge the proportion of decent human beings in the world for the same reason working in the Complaints department is a bad place to gauge the happiness of every single customer.

Specifically regarding personal experience, finding a decent guy is about as hard as finding a decent woman. It takes time and effort, sadly.

Rosequartz7 · 22/09/2018 10:04

Hi OP,
I too have had my fair share of terrible men. Dealt with lies, manipulation, selfishness, being cheated on, had sex I didn't want, gaslighting, abuse, all the shit you read on here that men do. And they do do it, and it's completely awful. I don't know if it's getting better or worse Sad
But to answer your question, I do think there are good ones out there. I met someone who is kind, gentle, respectful, loving, thoughtful and intuitive who treats me like I am important to him without controlling me. There is no drama. No blame. No little digs and snidey comments.
It's just really nice, normal, peaceful and loving. I know I am really lucky, I don't wanna sound like I'm rubbing it in. I just wanted to say that I get where you're coming from and it's completely shit that there are so many vile men out there, but there are nice ones. I do think they are rare but they are there.
Hope that you're okay Flowers

NobodyToVoteForNow · 22/09/2018 10:06

Yes, and they're all married with kids. Or at least the ones in my age bracket are.

NobodyToVoteForNow · 22/09/2018 10:08

NotTheFordType not wanting to be constantly pestered for sex is not the same thing as not wanting sex.

Scott72 · 22/09/2018 10:10

constantly pester for sex?

That depends how you define "constantly" and "pester". However you will find men have on average a higher sex drive than woman. Most can deal with this without resorting to "pestering", provided they get sex at least once a week. However if you have a very low libido, or your libido tends to die off rapidly after the start of a relationship, then you'll probably have to find a man who himself has a low libido.

JungMum · 22/09/2018 10:15

They're like needles in haystacks. And if you are open about that, you're told off for not smiling enough,not volunteering enough. Despite the shortage of suitable men as you age, you can be certain of one thing OP, it's all your fault Wink

@notthefordtype, eh, big difference between not being wanted just for sex and being an asexual. Shock

Rosequartz7 · 22/09/2018 10:17

Actually having read back through the replies, on reflection I think I might have been a bit harsh, there are lovely people out there.
It's a tough one because on one hand I can think of lots of nice men (DP's friends, my male friends, people I have met through work) but I can also think of lots of examples of people I know who have been fucked over, men I know who cheat, lie etc.

BUT on the other hand I can also think of at least 5 women who have cheated/ hit their partners/been controlling/ emotionally abusive/ manipulative.
Confused it's hard to get a clear picture I suppose.

WhoWants2Know · 22/09/2018 10:18

I do know some nice men, but they are all married to nice women. I feel like I missed the opportunity to meet one while I was spending time with narcissists, an addict, someone very mentally unwell, and someone who is actually nice (to be fair) but in a bit of denial about his sexuality.

GulliverUnravels · 22/09/2018 10:19

I have a wonderful DH. Imperfect but overall great.
I also have a bunch of lovely exes, as well as one truly horrible one, and one garden variety dick one.
I also have a lovely brother, brother-in-law, dad, and father-in-law.
One of my friends posted a meme on social media ages ago that said "What do you mean 'where are all the nice men?'? They're in the friend zone, where you left them." I think there's some truth in that.

whodoyoufollow · 22/09/2018 10:21

Took me 6 failed engagements before I found the right one and I've known him since I was 18. There are decent guys out there. Just got to kiss a lot of frogs to find your Prince Charming.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/09/2018 10:26

Yes, but they're taken. Why would they be single after 35 if they're nice?

PurpleDaisies · 22/09/2018 10:27

Why would they be single after 35 if they're nice?

All sorts of reasons. Hmm

Haven’t met the right person.
Busy focussing on career.
Married once but spouse died/didn’t work out.

Josiebloggs · 22/09/2018 10:28

There probably are lots of nice men out there. However if you put me in a room with 499 nice men and one wanker I'd pick the wrong one. So in my case its definitely more about my choices than finding nice men. I don't date and never will.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 22/09/2018 10:31

Yes - and in some cases (mine, basically) even internet dating isn't that bad. The ones I met that I didn't want to have a relationship with were perfectly pleasant; it was basically like going to the pub with a new colleague you don't know that well. Then I met OH, who is lovely. He isn't without faults, but neither am I. We muddled through the first couple of years and now we are all good.

My main advice is not to shag randoms unless you really just fancy a shag or are pretty sure that there is something special there. Either reason is a good reason. After my divorce, having that first nice shag cheered me up no end!