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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are there actually any nice men out there?

52 replies

needsomereassurance · 22/09/2018 09:42

NC for this but just wondering if there are any decent men out there? Does anyone actually know any?! Ones who don’t have affairs or constantly pester for sex?

I’m in need of some reassurance; I’m facing the end of my marriage and if reading this board is anything to go by, then all the other men are as bad as, or worse, than my STBXH!

OP posts:
m0vinf0rward · 22/09/2018 10:32

Same question applies to women. There aren't that many good ones either. It's like gambling....a game of chance in most cases.

Walkacrossthesand · 22/09/2018 10:38

A (senior) male friend of mine has been bruised so many times by women who lied, cheated, used him as a cash point etc, that he's vowed 'never again' - he's just not risking it again. So it's not just men who treat partners badly I'm afraid.

Storm4star · 22/09/2018 10:38

I think there are nice men out there but I will never meet them! The nice ones probably do not do OLD (or if they do they’re well hidden as I never see them!) nor would they approach someone in a bar or whatever. So they meet people through work or people they know etc. I don’t work with a large group of men. No one I know, knows any single nice men, I don’t do any hobbies where you might meet one. So I think they’re out there....somewhere, but they won’t come knocking on my door! Which is why I’m now staying happily single! I refuse to do OLD any more because I only have a small amount of faith left in men and I think if I meet one more wanker online it will tip me over the edge!

JungMum · 22/09/2018 10:54

@storm4star, Brew I agree. I think the answer is to create the life that suits your personality type and your goals, become happier. And from that point, pasa lo que pase. A lot of people wont' get it though because they're seeing your acceptance through the lens of all of their own fears.

TelepathicAlien · 22/09/2018 10:58

I have a good one, no, you are not having him! Grin

We met many, many years ago when I was 17 and have been together ever since, he is wonderful. I think myself very very lucky, specially reading threads on here!

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/09/2018 11:08

I’ve only ever dated and had relationships with nice men. All the men I know are nice. Most men are nice. Most people are nice. If you consistently end up in shitty relationships then you need to examine, ideally with a therapist, why you (consciously or sub-consciously) choose partners who are no good for you and persist in trying to maintain the relationship rather than leave when the first signs of incompatibility / controlling behaviour rear their heads. There will be reasons why you pick and stay with the men you do, nestled deep down in your sub-conscious and also almost certainly linked to low self-esteem, fear of being alone and so on. There is absolute truth in the phrase that you need to love yourself before looking for somebody else to love you. Too many women overlook obvious flaws - I’m constantly sad for women who post on here about somebody they’ve been seeing mere weeks or months who is clearly wrong for them but who they can’t bring themselves to end things with because “he’s amazing 80% of the time” and they think this might be their “last chance at love” or some nonsense.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 22/09/2018 11:27

Equally, though, comtesse, it can be easy to dismiss someone for what are not serious flaws because there's something that doesn't fit the picture you have in your head. Perhaps something physical, or a type of social behaviour (I'm looking at you, OH, and your criminally awful dad jokes) that can get in the way of seeing someone's good heart. OLD can feel as though you are picking from a catalogue, but it is not amazon: these are real people and deserve a bit of an open mind.

You'll be okay, OP. Be sincere and kind, try not to punish new people for things they didn't do, and don't necessarily expect your 'type' now to be the same type you went for the last time you were dating. And prepare to spend quite a lot of money in cafes and bars. Seriously. I had to economise in other areas in order to be able to afford all the dates.

yetmorecrap · 22/09/2018 14:10

Yes but they don’t all fit the tall dark and handsome and comfortably off mould that many women (not all I know) seek. Sex and the city has a lot to answer for, however the nicest guy on the show was the one who didn’t fit that mould

Gwenhwyfar · 22/09/2018 15:12

" “he’s amazing 80% of the time” and they think this might be their “last chance at love” or some nonsense."

How do you know it's nonsense for those women?

Gwenhwyfar · 22/09/2018 15:16

"All sorts of reasons. hmm

Haven’t met the right person.
Busy focussing on career.
Married once but spouse died/didn’t work out."

If they're nice and have no problems, it's very likely that they would have met the (or at least 'a') right person by a certain age.
Focussing on career is usually an excuse, but if they're workaholics they're not a catch anyway
Married once... - I think the divorcees tend to be in the 50s age bracket. Also, they tend to get snapped up again very quickly and not stay single for long.

fantasmasgoria1 · 22/09/2018 15:20

I have an amazing fiancé. He is loving, caring, kind, funny, considerate, understanding and generally a great bloke. He does procrastinate quite a bit but I’ll overlook that 😂 my two ex husbands were abusive in every way possible especially the first one so knowing how to be in a “normal” relationship has been a challenge!

Merename · 22/09/2018 15:27

I have a really good un too, and so do many people I know. I also know many awful men and have wasted too much time on them too. I wonder whether telling you there are good men will make you feel any better though if you’ve been recently dealing with the shit ones?!

CantankerousCamel · 22/09/2018 15:33

I have a good one but I found him when he was 20, overlooked by other women and we grew up together.

Now those women who shunned him are all single still after only going for a certain type of man and we are really happy

giveyourselfashiny3 · 22/09/2018 17:17

Yes Yes Yes!! There are!!

Original poster
needsomereassurance · 22/09/2018 20:30

Ah, well that’s good to hear then! Trouble is, most people who know STBXH would say he’s really nice and I thought so too - until he had an affair with a much younger woman, leaving me at home with 2 young children while he took her to expensive restaurants and hotels.

Sigh... just feeling so demoralised about everything but it’s good to hear there are good men out there - I promise I won’t pinch them, and if they were willing to be pinched I wouldn’t want them anyway!

OP posts:
ICESTAR · 23/09/2018 15:41

My oh of 12 years definitely doesn't cheat and never has. He also doesn't pester for sex. He cooks and cleans. We both work. If anything it's me who has the higher sex drive. Don't get me wrong we have had ups and downs but be is always there for me. I've put on loads of weight since we got together and the only thing he ever calls me is beautiful. I am lucky to have him. So don't despair. They are out there. Flowers

Thebluedog · 23/09/2018 15:52

Yes they do exist, I met mine when I was early 40s. But you won’t get people on here posting about the good ones

lifebegins50 · 23/09/2018 18:12

I do know some nice men, but they are all married to nice women. I feel like I missed the opportunity to meet one while I was spending time with narcissists, an addict

I believe this is often the case. The nice guys I know are married or in long term relationships.
Ex was married before when he was young.I really believed he had just married the wrong person, had different personalities as they hit late 20s/early 30s.
He was super nice, everyone in my family thought so....but he hid his very negative side that only appeared when I was commited. He was a bully which even the dc didn't mostly see...now we have separated he bullies them. He seems to have to control/bully someone.I know another woman will fall for his good side.

lifebegins50 · 23/09/2018 18:45

Good men seem to make relationships work and have the necessary skills such as compromise and willing to act as a team.
I know a man who's wife is difficult at times but he is prepared to work through these times knowing she has some issues, he is not a doormat but sees the longterm goal. He supports her and encourages her to seek counselling so that they can ride the tough times. He does this as he knows it's best for the family overall.

Most relationships experts say women do most of the "work" in relationships. Good men know this and don't take advantage of it.
Therefore I think very few good men are actually available!

Goldilocks3Bears · 23/09/2018 20:25

There are loads of lovely men of all ages who are free and available. Like all men, they work on themselves, do the stuff they like, mind their jobs and don’t panic because they don’t have biological clocks.

They also wonder how they’re meant to find a nice girl when all the women they know post crazy bitch memes on Facebook and have pictures of themselves with 217 filters, whiskers and ears. Just kidding but you know what I mean....

Do you. He will come when he’s ready.

Sethis · 23/09/2018 21:15

As an aside, for all the ladies saying "All the good ones are already in a relationship" then I promise you that's exactly how a lot of men age 30+ feel. Your facebook feed is full of people buying houses, getting married and having babies, and you're just sat there alone thinking "Well, crap." It happens to us all, but there's always someone out there waiting!

MollysGirl · 23/09/2018 21:33

Just popping on to say that after a not totally shitty but disappointing 20y marriage and several years of horrible sense of failure/rubbishy fling/poor exchange relationships

I’ve met someone who’s beautiful. Really. In all the important ways. He’s a great dad, has a very decent relationship with his daughter’s mum. He’s great. He’s even handsome and great in bed.

He’s pretty excited about me too.

Never give up.

FlowerpotFairyHouse · 23/09/2018 21:39

No. I don't believe there are very many at all.

I think some women do fantastic mental gymnastics to explain away and overlook shitty behaviour. I have a lot of male friends too and not one of them would meet my relationship standards, which are actually minimal.

There are only 3 of them and none of them has anything to do with height; wallet size; car size or house size. They are personal qualities and attributes that seem to be lacking in most men.

MollysGirl · 23/09/2018 22:27

A lot of men do seem quite shit. I do feel v lucky right now. I have put in my time in the dating trenches though.

headinhands · 23/09/2018 22:38

Your best bet is to analyse the start of your previous relationships to see if there were any red flags that you ignored or didn't realise they were red flags.