Wife cheated - Hurt and devastated

[livingindisbelief]

Hi,
First time posting, looking for some advice from people who have been in a similar unfortunate situation.

I recently found out my wife cheated on me last month on a night out. She met this guy in a bar and ended up going to his friend's flat where they had unprotected sex. I later found out that he is a married man with children. We have been married for 14 years and have children together.

I found out when I heard her talking to this man and during the conversation she talked about the sex they had that night, how it was very nice and other details I wish I had never heard. She then planned to travel with him to work on the train and meet him during the week when I was at work and she was free.

I confronted her about it and she admitted the whole thing, said sorry and promised to be with me and couldn't imagine her life without me. She said she deleted the number. I believed her at that time and thought I will not let a mistake ruin our otherwise perfect family. So decided to give it a go, arranged counseling and we went for a session.
I was absolutely devastated at this point, couldn't sleep or eat. Work suffered significantly and started smoking again. It was a movie of them having sex on repeat in my head and I couldn't get it out. Went to see the doctor who recommended personal counseling and gave me some sleeping pills.

We had a European trip planned for my birthday a week later so we went away for three days (just the two of us) thinking that it will help and it somewhat did. Had a great time and looked like we could rebuild trust and relationship.

I still had some suspicion when we returned, so checked her messages one night while she was asleep. In those messages, she was asking her friend for the number that she had called from her phone that day and she also asked her to keep the conversation on whatsapp and not regular texts. I checked the date of messages and she had called him a day before we went on our mini holiday. The thing that hurt the most is that she was trying to get his number from her friend while we were on holiday together trying to work on our relationship.

I confronted her a second time and she denied sending any messages to her friend but then admitted to trying to call him and that the call never really went though. She then said sorry and promised to never contact him again etc.
I was in a lot of pain by this time. I couldn't talk to any family or friends about this. It is difficult to explain the cocktail of emotions a betrayal introduces you to. A rollercoaster ride of everything will be ok to anger to sadness to helplessness and even questions about my own masculinity.

I tried to believe her a second time and ended up staying. Any trust had evaporated by this time. A week later, I checked her phone again and found the guy's number saved under one of her girlfriends' name and also some messages from Vodafone, saying your pay as you go top up was successful (she has a contract). My understanding was that she bought a separate sim to contact him.

This was the third time now and I felt as if someone had punched and knocked the wind right out of me. I got up packed my bags and left the house and confronted her on the phone. She completely denied buying the new sim card and Vodafone messages and said it must have been spam etc.

I have now been living away from home. I saw her briefly today and she admitted to everything. She says that this time she is ready to move on and she doesn't want to lose what she has and she only wants me and nobody else etc.

I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I can trust her but at the same time I feel I gave her plenty of chances to be honest with me but she betrayed my trust every time.

Do not go back.

You are worth more.

Im sorry, but shes taking you for granted!

Don't be a mug

Leave! She doesn’t deserve you. Once is bad enough but you’ve caught her out three times, she’s desperately trying to hold onto him. Don’t let her make a fool of you any longer

Really feel for you but agree with others don’t go back she will keep trying to be with him she’s proved that already 3 times she cannot care that much about you or your dc otherwise there wouldn’t have been a 2nd & 3rd attempt please let go before she destroys you she will only get better at hiding things and you will always be unsure I would be finding out who he is and tell him you will tell his wife I’m sure he just wants a bit on the side not your wife good luck.

That's horrendous for you op to have been so patient with her and for her to throw everything back in your face. She's not sorry, she's only sorry she got caught. Keep going for individual counselling.

OP this is awful and you don't deserve it. I know it's really hard, but remember she is the one who destroyed your family by cheating, not you by leaving. Don't take her back. Move on, you deserve better.

OP don't go back! This has nothing to do with your masculinity some people just can't keep their pants up.
I hope you have enough evidence to file for divorce under adultery.

It sucks mate. Really sorry to hear about it.

No matter what she says, don't go back.

Not only has she made a 'mistake' but she's kept chasing that 'mistake' again and again and again, and lied to you in increasingly complex ways to keep you blind.

There are many other, better, women out there.

I agree, don’t go back - it’s clear she will go to some lengths to maintain her affair. You don’t deserve treating Like this. Sending a big hug as it must be very painful

she is taking you for a mug

Sorry 💐
Don't go back. Once yes ...maybe the shock would jolt her into realising what she was about to lose. But 3 times? And when you're trying to work things out? It's disrespectful to your relationship, trust, marriage and vows. She isn't sorry she did it, she's sorry she got caught. She deliberately tried to make contact without you knowing, she had no intention of giving it up.
It hurts to give up a life you've built and want back. It's a grieving process. You deserve more....someone who would never dream of doing such a thing even once. Trust and loyalty are non negotiables in a relationship.

She's shown you that she's going to keep going back to him and it wasn't just a ONS. She will just find new ways to keep in touch with him without you knowing.

I wouldn't go back. Why would you believe her? She'll just find a way to hide it better.

I'd file on the grounds of adultery. Without trust, you have nothing.

She's looking for some extra and wants you for stability. He's married so she can't be with him.

She's chasing a married man. Who wants a wife like that.

I'm so so sorry, it's heartbreaking.

There are plenty of faithful women that would kill for a faithful man... don't go back, you will never trust her again and the paranoia will drive you insane.

You need to implement the 180 to protect yourself and prepare for a life without her.

The 180

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Seek support from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her, /his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she/he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

You already know it’s over, trust yourself

How old are you?

She is an absolute evil bitch and a faker. Don't waste any more time on her. Divorce.

You will be an absolute mug to take her back .Not only does she not love you but she doesn't respect you.

@livingindisbelief

I'm so sorry that all of this has happened. How stressful. SandyY2K's post is very helpful. I had never heard of the 180. If you could manage that level of equanimity, I'd be amazed but it's worth shooting for those guidelines, if nothing else.

The obvious thing here to say it that you should end your marriage but if there's one thing I've learned it's that no-one can convince someone to leave a relationship but these are my thoughts...

• Why do you think your wife has actively pursued this man, cheated on you and then tells you she wants to be with you and only you?
• Why do you think she has told you bare-faced lies?
• Why do you think she didn't tell you about the cheating in a frenzied 'terrible mistake' tearfest and you had to find out in the most horrible way?
• Why do you think you're considering taking her back?
• Do you think there's any way back from this?
• Do you think it's possible she actually won't ever do this again?

Thanks to everyone for the very helpful advice.

@ AnyFucker
Short and sweet, but point taken!

@ mooncuplanding
Thanks, 40 last week. Great time to hit this milestone! I sound like a pushover in my post but ironically, outside of my marriage, I have things under control. In good physical and financial shape and can move on if I wanted.

@ SandyY2K
Thanks for the 180, a guide for working through this mess. I will seriously think about this.

@ Isitovernow
Thanks for the thought provoking message. I don't have an answer to all of the questions and I am still trying to understand why she did it and then lied about it. She has promised she will never do this again but it is hard to believe because trust is gone. Despite everything she has done, I am still stupidly in love with her and I also feel that if I don't look after her, she will struggle on her own, I know sounds stupid considering the situation.
I do offer stability as one of the other contributors has pointed out and she has a good life with me. She works as a hobby and keeps what she earns, I have never asked her to contribute to expenses. On her days off she looks after the kids, drives them to activities etc, socialises and goes out. She wouldn't even know how much the bills were if I asked her. So I don't know whether she loves me back or if she just wants to stay because of the life she has with me and children.

She has betrayed you horribly. Three times at least, that you know of. Seems to me every time her mouth is moving she's lying. She doesn't deserve you, but there are many wonderful women out there who do.

@livingindisbelief

...I think that maybe you do know if she loves you back or if she's just desperate to keep you stringing along to avoid the inevitable lifestyle adjustment.

I get the impression your wife is quite resourceful & regardless of what you might think now, she would get on just fine in time if you were to leave her.

I feel sad reading your post and I can't quite put in to words why.

I get how you feel to a point. I too come across very 'together' & yet my personal life isn't great (different circumstances though) ... it's a lonely place to be.

Would you consider speaking to a counsellor?

I did this to my dh. Carried on seeing OM for about two years after being found out many times. It was like an addiction. You would be a fool to stick around. The only way is to move on. That will give her the shock she needs.
Think about yourself. How lovely would it be to have someone you could trust.

She kept seeking this man out. She kept doing it after being caught out. She has no respect for you. If she did she wouldn’t be sneaking around repeatedly, she would end it or work on your marriage.

He probably doesn’t want to leave his wife that’s why she doesn’t want to be without you. She can’t be alone even though she is showing you she doesn’t want to be with you.

She’s a coward, and pathetic, and using you.

Even if you went back, I don’t think there’s any amount of couciling that will help you to trust her again and not should you.

*nor