Wife cheated - Hurt and devastated

[livingindisbelief]

Hi,
First time posting, looking for some advice from people who have been in a similar unfortunate situation.

I recently found out my wife cheated on me last month on a night out. She met this guy in a bar and ended up going to his friend's flat where they had unprotected sex. I later found out that he is a married man with children. We have been married for 14 years and have children together.

I found out when I heard her talking to this man and during the conversation she talked about the sex they had that night, how it was very nice and other details I wish I had never heard. She then planned to travel with him to work on the train and meet him during the week when I was at work and she was free.

I confronted her about it and she admitted the whole thing, said sorry and promised to be with me and couldn't imagine her life without me. She said she deleted the number. I believed her at that time and thought I will not let a mistake ruin our otherwise perfect family. So decided to give it a go, arranged counseling and we went for a session.
I was absolutely devastated at this point, couldn't sleep or eat. Work suffered significantly and started smoking again. It was a movie of them having sex on repeat in my head and I couldn't get it out. Went to see the doctor who recommended personal counseling and gave me some sleeping pills.

We had a European trip planned for my birthday a week later so we went away for three days (just the two of us) thinking that it will help and it somewhat did. Had a great time and looked like we could rebuild trust and relationship.

I still had some suspicion when we returned, so checked her messages one night while she was asleep. In those messages, she was asking her friend for the number that she had called from her phone that day and she also asked her to keep the conversation on whatsapp and not regular texts. I checked the date of messages and she had called him a day before we went on our mini holiday. The thing that hurt the most is that she was trying to get his number from her friend while we were on holiday together trying to work on our relationship.

I confronted her a second time and she denied sending any messages to her friend but then admitted to trying to call him and that the call never really went though. She then said sorry and promised to never contact him again etc.
I was in a lot of pain by this time. I couldn't talk to any family or friends about this. It is difficult to explain the cocktail of emotions a betrayal introduces you to. A rollercoaster ride of everything will be ok to anger to sadness to helplessness and even questions about my own masculinity.

I tried to believe her a second time and ended up staying. Any trust had evaporated by this time. A week later, I checked her phone again and found the guy's number saved under one of her girlfriends' name and also some messages from Vodafone, saying your pay as you go top up was successful (she has a contract). My understanding was that she bought a separate sim to contact him.

This was the third time now and I felt as if someone had punched and knocked the wind right out of me. I got up packed my bags and left the house and confronted her on the phone. She completely denied buying the new sim card and Vodafone messages and said it must have been spam etc.

I have now been living away from home. I saw her briefly today and she admitted to everything. She says that this time she is ready to move on and she doesn't want to lose what she has and she only wants me and nobody else etc.

I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I can trust her but at the same time I feel I gave her plenty of chances to be honest with me but she betrayed my trust every time.

Do not go back to her. You deserve better. It's not about your masculinity or really anything to do with you. This is about her, it's her mistake and her character flaws that caused it. She is the problem. You didn't do anything wrong and her fuck ups are not a reflection of your worth. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this but it sounds like you're on the way out of it 💐

Don't worry about how she will manage money etc. She has forfeited the right to be protected from the shit of life. She will learn fast how to live in the real world. Most people have had to.

@livingindisbelief
She's been very cruel with your heart and taken the absolute piss out of you. Don't go back to her. She's taken you for granted and repeatedly lied . You can do this

Why would anyone who is cheating have a phone with no passcode ? Why would anyone in this day and age with all the info we have on our phones have a phone with no passcode ?

“Why would anyone in this day and age with all the info we have on our phones have a phone with no passcode?”

Really? That’s your contribution to the OP’s wife shitting all over their relationship? My DP didn’t use a lock screen password until I said something similar to what you’ve written. You could also ask the same about people who click on the most screamingly bogus emails, or send thousands after being hooked by unsophsiticated 501 scams, despite the hundreds of warnings and stories published every year. People do stupid things.

Back to the point, OP I feel for you but you can’t let her back in your life like this. She’s clearly prepared to lie and attempt to deceive you and I don’t think you can come back from that. If you stay, your self esteem will wither away and you’ll never be happy. A short sharp breakup is what’s needed here. Shit in the short run, so much healthier in the long.

So sorry about what has been happening to you... I've been there earlier this year. My STBX has never left the OW either although we were trying to work things out for over a month after I found out he has been cheating on me for 6 months.
I've listened to all the wise people on MN, I kicked him out and filed in for divorce. The life is not easy at the moment, but I can see a light in the end of the tunnel...
I'm back in control of my life and it's a wonderful feeling.
Good luck!

Despite everything she has done, I am still stupidly in love with her Do you really love her Op or do you like the lifestyle you have? Think about that question Op.

I also feel that if I don't look after her, she will struggle on her own really or is it a case of you wanting to feel good yourself, by taking care of her?

Sorry to say, but your DW does not love or care for you. She's not having some meaningful affair. She is just meeting random(s) and having unprotected sex. You don't really think that is the first time, or the last, do you?

There is a play book on here, outlining what needs to happen to have any chance of getting over infidelity. Total honesty, full disclosure, take responsibility etc etc. Your DW is a long way from any of that.

You are in denial my friend, probably because like your lifestyle.

Why have you moved out? Go back, pack her a bag and tell her to leave.

wombat1a has it absolutely right, go home and chuck her out of your house. She forfeited it, not you.

Oh my god, what a nasty woman she sounds. She doesn’t love you, she is treating you as a 1st class mug. She keeps her own money while you work and pay all the bills.

PLEASE give yourself a wake up call - get back to the house now, tell her to pack a bag and leave. Put a freeze on the bank account if it is a joint account so she can’t draw out huge amounts of money. Banks are open today get this dealt with asap.

She is a slag who is giving you false hope. The only person she cares about is herself.

Talk some time off work next week and get a solicitor in place.

Bloody hell lad. What a shit time she's put you through.

It's not possible to say you should or shouldn't go back. Only you can decide that and know whether you can take another knock back.

There’s an oft used phrase, once a cheat, always a cheat.

This may not be the 1st ons, it may not be the last but Pandora’s box has been opened and as such it is much easier to cheat a 2nd time. She is not really guilt ridden and I’d bet money she contacting him now you’ve moved out. She also effectively sabotaging 2 marriages, though the OM is a contemptible shit as well

Thanks for all the kind messages. It has helped to look at this situation from a point of view which is different to my own.

@ Isitovernow
Thanks for your message. Yes I will need to go for personal counseling as I have questions which I am unable to answer without help. I think there is some love there but don't whether it was enough to stop her from hurting me. Also I am unsure if she will be restrained if an opportunity to cheat presented itself. You are right in saying that she is resourceful. I hope things work out for you in your personal life. It is lonely indeed.

@ DrMorbius
Thanks for your message. Yes, I don't disagree that I am in denial and I like my lifestyle with her and perhaps I do want to look after her to feel better about myself. This is also a life that I have invested heavily in and the prospect of being alone and starting over looks extremely daunting and I am being weak here. It is the devil you know mentality and I know it is not right.
She kissed another man a few years ago (her friend told me) but I never confronted her about it until recently.

She sounds like someone who has been given everything she could ever want on a golden plate, yet she's still grabbing for more.

The only way to show her this isn't okay is to take the plate away.

You're 40, got cash, good shape and you sound like an amazing spouse. You have so so so so many better options it's unreal. There are threads hundreds of replies long on here about looking for a man just like you.

With regards to understanding her motives, I wouldn't think about that now. Sometimes insight like that only comes much later, years maybe. Sometimes never. In the end it doesn't even matter why she did what she has done. No reason could possibly be good enough.

Hi Op, have a read around MN about the sunken cost fallacy. You seem seem stuck in that dilemma.

Second; one of my mantra's (from Who Moved My Cheese) is Always make the decisions in life, as if you were not afraid. Taking fear of the unknown, fear of losing your heavy investment, fear of the future, etc etc out of the equation, would you really want to spend the rest of your life with this woman????

whomovedmycheese was right back then and it's still true. Get a massive pair of big boy pants on, hoick 'em up into an epic wedgie and go for it! In two years time you will look back and marvel that you even considered staying with your cheating wife. Oh and get an STD check as soon as possible.

Time to read no more Mr. Nice guy by Robert Glover.

She's taking you for a fool and it's only going to make her lose respect for you.

Have you told the OBS (other betrayed spouse)? Affairs thrive in secrecy...shed some light on it tell her.

You may also think of telling her family...these are consequences and you've let her off the hook because of so called love.

Similar to my story but it was a guy from her work 15 years older than her. Constant lies even though the evidence was overwhelming.

Say goodbye to the little lying shitbag and move on. Be a great dad on your own.

You don't deserve to be treated like this. Nobody does.

Get your paperwork in order. Let her live a life on her own or with her new shiny toy.

Buy her out and don't waste a second longer. Work our custody and a financial settlement. Concentrate on you and your children alone.

It's tough. It's hard. It fuckin hurts. Betrayal stings.

But you know yourself you deserve better than a liar, a cheat, someone who literally is selfish to the core, the fake smiles, the lies.

Terminate it. Say goodbye lick your wounds, give it time and find somebody deserving

Because she is not.

I always think once pandoras box is opened, it would be hard to close. Even if they never do it again, it will always be in your head. Every time they are late, when they get a text, when they talk to much about someone from work. It would drive me mad.

Trust is everything.

Sadly in this case, I don't think you could ever trust her again. Once is a mistake bit to the try and track down the number and call him, complete disrespect of your love. You have to believe the love you give someone is worth more than that.
As previously said, in this situation I think you would always be questioning in your mind, why is she late, who is she talking to etc.
Don't subject yourself to that mental torture, break free.

Give yourself more credit, you can do it on your own, it's just learning how to again 💐

So how's it going OP?

Go back home- why have you left when she is the one who has cheated?

Secondly file for divorce

Op stay strong I know it's overwhelming but you need to see its over between you two. Don't let her mug you she has no respect for you and how do you know this is the first time she's done it? Could of been on going with different men. I think you need to take your dignity and file for divorce. You will live it will be horrible but slowly you will heal and perhaps you may even meet someone who values and loves you! I would go to the solicitors and make sure you are protected from her. Good luck op and mn is always here if you need to let your feelings out x x

I agree with everyone else.

The truth is the life you had is gone and you are in the process of deciding what your life will be going forward. The people who try to hold on to or retain what they had will be cursed with never getting happiness but always needing to chase after it. The people who accept its gone and don't try to relive it have the chance of being happy again.

Its just something terrible that happens, and it's all on her... If you stay your pain will always be self imposed from now on, and you'll give her the green light to hurt you over and over again.

I'm soo sorry this had happened to you

This sounds incredibly hard but only fight what is worth fighting for..... If you remain in the marriage, how will things be in 5 or 10 years? You may meet someone new, your life could be different or it could be the same if you hold onto this marriage, however your wife is giving clear indication that she is not happy, this is something you can't give her and whilst she may love you, she doesn't love you enough or respect you to remain faithful even at this most difficult point.

You mention you have children, imagine this was your child being treated like this, what advice woukd you offer and would staying together feature?

You need to be strong and do the 180 as suggested before she does further damage to you and ultimately to your children, who will find out one day x