STBEXH is scaring me

[Boysmomma]

Right, this may be long and if I'm not being clear ask, not trying to drip feed. Yes I'm posting here for traffic! Long time lurker and newish poster in the last year, cancel the cheque, Mexican house thief, etc

Left abusive H last year, had a barring order in January and during the summer the (following his appeal) the judge decided that since he was soooooo good for the last few months that he would remove this on the condition STBEXH swore an undertaking to stay away from me and the house. Thanks legal system you're awesome!

Since then things have been getting weird and to be honest fucking scary. Nothing I could go to anyone with and say "look, see what he's doing", he's not stupid. I'm also worried that I'm losing it and after over a decade of abuse and mental torture I'm reading into things too much. So I need advice and opinions please!

The contact (texts, calls) has been non stop, at the start it was refusing to believe we were over demanding we give it another try and saying he'd give me a baby girl. Even the judge had described him as deluded. Whenever he makes contact it's always under the guise of wanting to talk to or about DS'S.

He has threatened to kill himself more times than I can count, I've told him I'll call the guards if he does it again.

I've been suspecting for a while that he's been watching the house, couldn't prove anything and if I said it to anyone all he would have to do is deny. We live in a cu de sac, no need to drive anywhere near the house, you can't get anywhere and it's way out of the way.

He's started seeing someone new, denying it but to be frank I was half hoping that this would take the focus off me. If anything he's escalated. I've now been told by several people that he's been seen driving out of the estate (again no through road, no need to be there, he's no friends or family there, old estate so many things that would give him NO cause to be there).

He's getting increasingly angry and aggressive when I do see him (eldest has hospital appointments can't be avoided), not enough to be able to call for help but he gets into my personal space, towers over me, I move away but it's leaving me shaking.

He rang the other day and asked what our life insurance covers, I told him I wasn't sure what he was asking and he said "basically if someone died in suspicious circumstances would they pay out, like if the guards were involved". I asked what he meant and he laughed and said to send on the copy of the document.

This sounds ridiculous but I lived with this man, his favorite pastime was making threats that he could then accuse me of reading too much into when I cried or told him I was scared.

I'm terrified he's going to do something to me and I can't go to anyone because what has he ACTUALLY done.

Am I going mad? This is weird right? Please help.

YANBU. I think you need more specialised advice than I can give but you are not insane and you need to take action so you can feel safe.

Put CCTV up at the front door. If he asks, it's a camera so you can see who is there when the doorbell rings. I'll have a look for some you can fit easily.

Consider recording calls made to you when he phones. Tell him you're doing it, don't do it covertly. Tell him you're recording all calls because you've had some strange calls to your phone.

Do you have a solicitor involved still? Record what's been happening with them. Now.

I'd definitely think about getting the Guard involved now too - the last bit about the insurance policy is too weird for me, I'd want them to know what's going on in his mind. They may not take any action, but they need to be aware he's not stable.

Keep a diary and go back to court.

Tell him you have cancelled the life insurance and he will need to arrange his own.

Yy to cctv

Call the guards on their non-emergency number and log a complaint. He is threatening and intimidating you and with his past history, it needs to be taken seriously. They might even have a specialist office who can help. I cannot believe a judge lifted a barring order, you have witnesses to say he has been hanging around your house, I would go back to court and get it re-instated.

This one for example, gets good reviews, has night vision capacity, good daytime quality recording, you can download an app so you can view it live from your phone if you want, and some other bits.

COOAU Outdoor IP Camera 1080P HD, Wireless WiFi Home CCTV Surveillance Network Security Bullet Camera, IP66 Waterproof, Up to 15m IR Night Vision, Motion Detection, 128G SD Card Recording, 3M Long Power Cable, Support iOS Android Windows PC Remote View and Control, Black www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0758DH6DZ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_0xoPBbS4PAEXE?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Plenty of other similar cameras out there, that's just one of the first I found on Amazon (albeit in England).

Just had a thought - if the guards can't do much about his behaviour they can at least make a note against your address so any 999 calls relating to it will be responded to as a matter of urgency. And I echo what others have said about the CCTV

YANBU he has actually made an indirect threat of violence. You are not mad.

When I was on the receiving end of similar I went to the police. They took it seriously. They said making an indirect threat is not an offence, but is considered antisocial behaviour.

Please contact your local police force and ask if they have a stalking clinic and Google Paladin - they are an anti stalking organisation that has lots of support for you

Hmm, maybe a camera at the back door. And YY to stalking behaviour. Good points by PP.

I would be very concerned that he has rung you up asking about the life insurance that is very scary OP, along with the other stuff he is doing.
I would take note and gather as much evidence as you can of his behaviour, he seems to be very deluded as you say but his behaviour screams that it could be becoming erratic and unpredictable. I think you should inform the guards ? Or the police if you feel you are in danger .

Thanks everyone, I'm scared to bring this up in RL, it's so surreal. I don't think I'm going mad but my perception with him is so skewed, everything feels like an overreaction. After an assault in December I apologised to the guards for wasting their time, I can't think straight with him.

I've looked into CCTV, going to try and pick one up over the weekend.

I have a legal aid solicitor, he's bringing me back to court to appeal access, he wants more, I'll send her an email.

Unfortunately I can't cancel the policy, it's tied into the mortgage protection. The only way to cancel it is to cancel both and restart both separately and I'd also need his permission and to meet up with him to sign everything. I'm paying all of this anyway, I'll get it back with the sale of the house, not much use right now but hey ho!

I just need reassurance that this is scary and I'm not overreacting

You are definitely not overreacting OP and please don't apologise cause you think you are wasting people's time.

Please keep a diary of all these instances. Very important and as a PP said cctv is a good idea.

Please take care of yourself

So sorry OP that sounds awful, YADNBU.
Please report to the police ask for the situation to be noted in England you can get a higher priority in emergency response if there is DV involved is this possible where you are? Beef up your home security, tell your solicitor. Are you in the marital home? If so I would consider changing the locks in case he still has a key and install strong bolts top and bottom of the doors. Get security lights.
Tell your neighbours that he is abusive/stalking you (if they don't already know) and to please let you know if they see any suspicious behaviour and to also report it to the police.
Also agree with previous suggestion that you record all calls.

1- I’m so so so sorry that this is happening to you.

2- CCTV needed

3- write down everything, keep every text, record all conversations

4- if anyone else sees him drive into the estate ask then to text you it so then you have a record of other people seeing him when he has no reason to be there.

5- I would get a little camera, or recorder to record every interaction with him in public

He is unhinged so you need to be telling the police all of it, doesn’t matter if it’s three four times a day he is deranged

Thanks everyone, i'm reading everything so please excuse me not tagging! I'm fierce rude.

I'm in Ireland so no non emergency number unless you go to the station directly and the one in our area is only open 4 hours a day 10am to 2pm.

@Krusty my house is already marked, they do take DV seriously. The courts are very much behind, barring orders are like gold dust and the belief is if they can be good for a few months then they deserve to have it lifted. I may be able to apply for a safety order, not sure.

thanks @Silver I've been looking at a few, going to go into a showroom after work so I can get one tonight. www.safety.com/surveillance-systems/#gref
the first one seems popular and doesn't need holes drilled from what I've read.

Block and ignore him, now the order has been removed he is pulling you back in to his games, so you do not need to communicate with him at all. Anything to do with your children in a non emergency keep to email only. You do not need to tell him anything . Any form of communication from him good or bad just gives him the attention he desires. I would also consider logging everything you are concerned off, speak to WA and start getting another Non Mol in place.

thank you all so much, I'm having a small cry now. This has been hanging over me for so long. I'm just so scared he's going to do something and I can't tell anyone. It's like he's back in the house. I thought I'd done so well, that I was so much stronger. And almost a year later I feel like that stupid woman hunched in the corner wondering when it's safe to come out again. God fucking help me I hate him so much.

Great idea going into a showroom, I'm sure they'll talk you through what you need. Look for something that can record, and has good night vision. You want something that can be used to give an ID if it's needed, so needs to be a good quality image. They'll advise on what has that for you.

Surely the incessant messaging alone would be enough for the police to act. Contact them.

Block his number. He can communicate by email. Good for evidence.

How often is he stalking your place? Would it be worth getting a private investigator for a few days to prove he is stalking you, if the police don't take you seriously?

And dear lord no, you're not over reacting and you've done nothing wrong. I'm sorry the bastard is doing this.

Is there anyone IRL you can talk to? Friends? Family? Neighbours?

Have a cuppa, sit down, think through your next steps and remember there's always someone here 24hrs a day if you needs support or reassurance.

You're going to get through this. You've done it once, you're going to do it again, and this time no stupid judge will be pulling the orders away.

Show the Guard the message about "someone dying in suspicious circumstances". Its obvious what he is trying to do

@Boysmomma
That's exactly what he wants, to get to you.
Look how strong you have been, you made the break and there's no going back. This is all on him. He chose to hurt you. You didn't deserve it.
Remind yourself how far you have come.
Please just concentrate on your safety, do the practical things you need to achieve that.
Are your parents around? Could you go and stay with them for a few days just to get away from it?

Left abusive H last year, had a barring order in January and during the summer the (following his appeal) the judge decided that since he was soooooo good for the last few months that he would remove this on the condition STBEXH swore an undertaking to stay away from me and the house. Thanks legal system you're awesome

I can't get my head around this.
he doesn't need to be harassing you so why undo the order?

Unfortunately I can't cancel the policy, it's tied into the mortgage protection. The only way to cancel it is to cancel both and restart both separately and I'd also need his permission and to meet up with him to sign everything. I'm paying all of this anyway, I'll get it back with the sale of the house, not much use right now but hey ho!

I would call the insurer or email and let them know that threats have been made by the beneficiary. Then let your ex know that you have told them that so there would be exactly 0 pay out. What a piece of shit he is.