STBEXH is scaring me

[Boysmomma]

Right, this may be long and if I'm not being clear ask, not trying to drip feed. Yes I'm posting here for traffic! Long time lurker and newish poster in the last year, cancel the cheque, Mexican house thief, etc

Left abusive H last year, had a barring order in January and during the summer the (following his appeal) the judge decided that since he was soooooo good for the last few months that he would remove this on the condition STBEXH swore an undertaking to stay away from me and the house. Thanks legal system you're awesome!

Since then things have been getting weird and to be honest fucking scary. Nothing I could go to anyone with and say "look, see what he's doing", he's not stupid. I'm also worried that I'm losing it and after over a decade of abuse and mental torture I'm reading into things too much. So I need advice and opinions please!

The contact (texts, calls) has been non stop, at the start it was refusing to believe we were over demanding we give it another try and saying he'd give me a baby girl. Even the judge had described him as deluded. Whenever he makes contact it's always under the guise of wanting to talk to or about DS'S.

He has threatened to kill himself more times than I can count, I've told him I'll call the guards if he does it again.

I've been suspecting for a while that he's been watching the house, couldn't prove anything and if I said it to anyone all he would have to do is deny. We live in a cu de sac, no need to drive anywhere near the house, you can't get anywhere and it's way out of the way.

He's started seeing someone new, denying it but to be frank I was half hoping that this would take the focus off me. If anything he's escalated. I've now been told by several people that he's been seen driving out of the estate (again no through road, no need to be there, he's no friends or family there, old estate so many things that would give him NO cause to be there).

He's getting increasingly angry and aggressive when I do see him (eldest has hospital appointments can't be avoided), not enough to be able to call for help but he gets into my personal space, towers over me, I move away but it's leaving me shaking.

He rang the other day and asked what our life insurance covers, I told him I wasn't sure what he was asking and he said "basically if someone died in suspicious circumstances would they pay out, like if the guards were involved". I asked what he meant and he laughed and said to send on the copy of the document.

This sounds ridiculous but I lived with this man, his favorite pastime was making threats that he could then accuse me of reading too much into when I cried or told him I was scared.

I'm terrified he's going to do something to me and I can't go to anyone because what has he ACTUALLY done.

Am I going mad? This is weird right? Please help.

Could you speak to your solicitor about setting up two separate life insurance accounts? Let them do all the chasing him for signatures etc?

I agree with others saying change your will. Will the house be separated from him post divorce? I think you need to separate everything as much as possible- even if it means selling and buying something smaller post divorce.

Really sorry to hear how difficult things have become for you, it must be scary.
The only pieces of advice I can give you are to get a basic phone (the dick head phone) and tell him you have had to change your number, he will be the only person with the new number but it means you can leave that phone at home and only check it regarding the children when you wish too, it helps to know he cannot make your day crap with a text or call.

Secondly google a mobile app called Hollie Guard. This is an app that initially takes around 15-20 minutes to set up but means you will have personal security that if you are out of the home and he approached the app would start to record voices and short video just by shaking your phone so he wouldn’t know. The app also sets up a safety feature where it contacts a friend or family member to say that you need assistance and sends your location, it’s worth a look.

Record everything in a diary and re-apply for the harrassment order you had in place, your ExH sounds very controlling and manipulative and if you do not feel safe then he is achieving what he is setting out to do, stay safe.

If people have seen him drive a way from the house then there are witnesses- will they speak to the police/court to confirm? Either way tell the police.

There's a garda vulnerable persons protection unit where I live in Ireland - worth having a look to see if there's one near you. They are all about prevention and protection. You could even call this one to ask for advice- PM me if you want details

Hi all!

Sorry, busy weekend birthday parties, sleepovers, and one cranky baba and his molars.I said I'd wait until today before replying!

Thanks Lily for moving the thread! And for everyone's help, suggestions and kind words, it's hard to see the wood from the trees most days.

I went to the showroom, they weren't that helpful, I seemed to know more from my quick googling than they did, but I spoke to a RECI I know and he's recommended a decent one that won't break the bank. It'll take some time but it'll be in soon hopefully! It's worth the hit so I can relax a bit. I've been double and triple checking doors and windows every morning before leaving and every night before bed.

@Beargoesgrrr that's awful, and exactly what he does. He accused me the last time in court of refusing to let him have a relationship with the kids because he couldn't ring every night at 7pm. I ignored his messages this weekend but that's just going to piss him off more, I'm exhausted appeasing him but scared of the consequences when he gets angry. The email sounds hilarious though, when I'm braver I might cc him in one

@waffly I don't know, I honestly don't know anyone who's been in this situation so have no idea what to expect.

@Coffee that sounds terrifying! I'm going to speak with the neighbours this evening when the eldest is at GAA, I really don't want him involved in this as much as I can help it. I'm glad you have good support with you. I'm backing onto a 15ft brick wall which leads to an industrial estate which is locked down fairly tight at night I've a few plans though.

@subspace yes personal alarm! Good idea!

@Honey will was written up a few months back and I've notified all pensions and savings about the trust for DS1 & 2. He can contest everything though, and my solicitor advised me until we have started/finished divorce proceedings he would very likely get his way.

@Ella he won't use another number, he's a pain in the hoop. Thank you for your suggestions, I downloaded HollieGuard, hope I never have to use it, but it's good to have it. I plan on making another application, but I need proof. Can't leave myself pen to he said she said again. i need to show the judge that he has no respect for the law, because apparently having no respect for my life isn't enough.

@Angel they have no dates or times, also my friends turning up saying they saw him will probably be seen as trying to paint him in a bad light. Truth only matters if you can prove it. I'll talk to the guards about everything, but if I'm going to court I'm painting that shitgibbon into a corner he can't dig himself out of again.

@Hospital I did not know that! thank you!

Thanks everyone, hopefully by the end of the week I'll have a camera (or a date), a personal alarm, a way forward, and if I'm really lucky a giant bottle of gin.

My advice OP is to go back to the Garda. See what they can do.

And reclaim yours and your children’s lives. How old are your children? Sorry if I missed it.

You will no longer dance to his tune. Buy a cheap mobile. In England you pick them up for a tenner. Give him the number and say this is his contact number from now on. Say it will always be with you but you may not be able to answer. Then unless the children want to speak to him or have a prebooked call it’s off. Tell him it doesn’t accept texts. You can ignore every text he sends to it.

If the children are old enough then you never have to speak with him. Turn the mobile on dial his number and hand it over without a word. If they say daddy wants to speak say sorry I’m busy tell him to email. Then hang up and turn off phone.

Set up an email just for him. And check it daily. Ignore anything that isn’t your problem. I love you and want to give you a girl- no need to respond. What time is the drs appointment- need to respond. Get in the habit of just sending him info. So email a pic of doctors letters. No words. No how it’s making you or your ds feel. Just a pic of the appointment.

Look up the grey rock technique. But most of all keep on at the guarda. What he’s doing isn’t right.

I feel for you, it sounds awful.
Insist on text or email only, that way you will have everything in black and white. If he wants to speak to kids on phone, dial and hand it to them, you don't need to speak to him.
Go in and have a chat with the guards, they can let you know what steps to take. They might not be able to do anything it gives them the heads up and they might take the odd spin around your estate.
Is there a neighbourhood watch around your area?

I went to the station last night while DS1 was at GAA. They were really helpful, I spoke to a younger garda initially, he wanted to go and talk to STBXH, said that his actions were unacceptable. I just cried and and said he couldn't, it's ridiculous that I'm more concerned about his reaction than anything else. He left the room and came back in with his sergeant. He seemed to be a bit more understanding of what I was asking.

He made a note and double checked there was a mark on the property, he said if EX shows up or I'm concerned just ring and they'll be out straight away. He understood that I wasn't willing to escalate anything until I had something concrete, he knows "the type of man" I'm dealing with. He also was aware of his solicitor, she's known for defending men like him, they're her bread and butter. I knew that before but it's good that someone else has an idea of what I'm up against.

I Feel better for talking to them, completely forgot to ask about the programme though.

feel a bit panicky today, like he knows I told on him. My head needs a wobble.

When you next go to court could you ask that any contact with child is done via a contact centre or third party and that no joint appointments take place. I find it terrifying that a woman who has experienced abuse like this is forced into communicating with her abuser. Another one sorry to hear what you are going through, but you sound really capable. together and strong.

It’s good that they took you seriously. He won’t know you went to see them.

I say this kindly and knowing how hard what I’m asking you to do is. But you need to stop considering his feelings and emotions. Fuck him. He does not care about yours so you need to find a way to move forward not caring about his.

Everything is going to be ok. Your a good strong mum and you’ve done the hardest bit in getting rid of him. He’s just trying to keep you hooked.

Don't worry, he won't know you've been to the guards and now they are aware of the situation and by the sound of it have the measure of him.
Getting the fucker out of your head will take time but it will happen, don't be afraid to ask for help if it gets too much.

Thanks for your help!

@Feefee sorry I completely missed your first post, DS1 is 7 and DS2 is 2, not old enough unfortunately to talk to him on their own. I do ring and hand the phone over, DS1 is seeing it as an obligation, daddy is sad cause I made him leave and I made his dad go away. Then 5 mins later begging me knot to ring him as he doesn't want to talk to him. I stay close when he''s on the phone as he has a tendency to guilt trip DS1. He puts a lot on a child's shoulders. I'm going to say to the judge that I'd like communication to be email only except in an emergency. Not sure how that will go down. I'm scared of his reactions, I'm scared he'll do something to me or the kids. He's vicious when he's angry, especially when he feels he's been wronged. And he has a VERY warped sense of right and wrong!-

Thanks @qazxc I did, they took it seriously thankfully, I think his summer house is in my head. Grey rock and he'll be out, it takes a lot longer than I thought it would though

@dancing contact center access is near impossible to get. Funds were cut a few years ago, I spoke to the only contact center in my large city area (it's a joke) and they advised that realistically I'll be asked to supervise contact, probably in a public area, until a space becomes available. When I asked how long that takes, she said she couldn't say but I'm at the bottom of a long lost. Even getting SW involvement can be difficult, they initial visit can be done quickly but getting someone assigned can take longer.

I came home last night and his car was parked at the end of the road. I drove past it before I it really clicked with me. I drove back around and got a picture. He wasn't in the car, no idea where he was. Grabbed the kids and shoved them in the door. I can't remember the last time I shook that much, I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest.

I'm going to try and talk to my solicitor again this morning, see what advice she has. I can already hear his solicitor spinning this into nothing. DS1 was so angry I wouldn't let him out to play with his friends last night, I just couldn't risk it. It's just a giant mess and I don't know what to do. i have one piece of evidence, I'm going to need more than that if I'm going back to court. I can't risk it being thrown out again.

Is a restraining order an option. He has no reason to be on your road so get him restricted from being there legally

Can you record the phone calls with the kids? I've no idea of the legality of it for use in a civil case, but to illustrate his behaviour towards DS1? Worth a conversation with your solicitor? Same about the restraining order.

Sorry, no, Ireland! No such thing as a restraining order.

A safety order. Looking at it, a barring order might not be successful this time (but I'm no expert on Irish law) as he's already left the house, but a safety order should be.

Have you been in touch with Women's Aid? Maybe give their legal support people a call if you're not near their city bases? www.womensaid.ie/services/dolphinhousesup.html

@Feefee I wish we had restraining orders but @Silver is right it would be a safety or a barring order and that's it.

Thanks @Silver I'm with a local branch of Women's Aid, as they are based in Dublin. Then there are "independent" groups hosted separately throughout the country. All through the HSE so it's above board! They are quite clear they don't give legal advice, the other women are great to go through their own experiences and give you their own 2 cents though.

There's a FLAC center that runs once a week (walk in) in the evenings, but it's a fair drive for me and with the kids I just couldn't really make it. I did ring before and they told me since I had a solicitor to talk to them as they wouldn't interfere, can't get through to mine though. Still hasn't returned my calls or emails. I've no idea around the legalities of what I can or can't do, and the courts do not give a shiny shit about your ignorance of the law

I feel like I'm just waiting on his next move. I've always been terrible with not knowing, I need to know what's happening, what's going to happen. I need to find someone who's been through this so I know what to expect. Will they give me back my order? Will it make any difference to him? Will I get a safety order? How much proof do I need? Is he just trying to fuck with me (it's working) or has he completely fallen off the deep end?

I was at a friends BBQ over the weekend, it was lovely, loads of people, I have plenty of friends, I've opened up to a few of them about what happened and I'm the subject of MUCH village gossip so everyone is aware something happened. But I felt so lonely, no one to even pretend to care what I had to say. While we were together i held out hope for a loving relationship, I never had it, I was always lonely, but I had my hopes. Now I don't even have that and I'm just so alone.

Sorry I'm just using this as a sounding board, I know this feeling will pass, but right now it just feels heavy.

Oh OP, you've had some great advice on here so nothing more to add, but I really feel for you and hope everything works out. We're all here to listen to you as much as you need.

sorry not read it all, but .. who will be fitting the alarm / lights system for you? he could see the company van outside your house.

Handhold here op, I'm so sorry.
We're always here for you day or night. Vent all you like.
You have done nothing wrong

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

@dizzy he's a RECI and a friend of the family, he's coming over after work, ex wouldn't turn up at that time and if he does it looks like a security light so he shouldn't suspect anything. Thanks for thinking of it though. I'm hoping it'll be in by the weekend, fingers crossed.

I managed to speak to someone today, not my solicitor unfortunately but she used to specialise in family law.

Basically there's not much anyone can do until he does something. So he can watch, follow and put the fear of god into me but until he actually touches me then he's grand to go about his business.

I knew this, it just really is starting to weigh on me that his games will continue until he either stops or does something. What do I do? Do I ignore and hope he loses interest? Do I lock us away so he can't hurt us? If I go to the gards and they talk to him he'll deny and just be more careful. Then what do I do?

I'm turning into a paranoid wreck, I can't live like this.

That's awful op, I wish I could say something useful.
It's disgusting that he can get away with stalking you.