STBEXH is scaring me

[Boysmomma]

Right, this may be long and if I'm not being clear ask, not trying to drip feed. Yes I'm posting here for traffic! Long time lurker and newish poster in the last year, cancel the cheque, Mexican house thief, etc

Left abusive H last year, had a barring order in January and during the summer the (following his appeal) the judge decided that since he was soooooo good for the last few months that he would remove this on the condition STBEXH swore an undertaking to stay away from me and the house. Thanks legal system you're awesome!

Since then things have been getting weird and to be honest fucking scary. Nothing I could go to anyone with and say "look, see what he's doing", he's not stupid. I'm also worried that I'm losing it and after over a decade of abuse and mental torture I'm reading into things too much. So I need advice and opinions please!

The contact (texts, calls) has been non stop, at the start it was refusing to believe we were over demanding we give it another try and saying he'd give me a baby girl. Even the judge had described him as deluded. Whenever he makes contact it's always under the guise of wanting to talk to or about DS'S.

He has threatened to kill himself more times than I can count, I've told him I'll call the guards if he does it again.

I've been suspecting for a while that he's been watching the house, couldn't prove anything and if I said it to anyone all he would have to do is deny. We live in a cu de sac, no need to drive anywhere near the house, you can't get anywhere and it's way out of the way.

He's started seeing someone new, denying it but to be frank I was half hoping that this would take the focus off me. If anything he's escalated. I've now been told by several people that he's been seen driving out of the estate (again no through road, no need to be there, he's no friends or family there, old estate so many things that would give him NO cause to be there).

He's getting increasingly angry and aggressive when I do see him (eldest has hospital appointments can't be avoided), not enough to be able to call for help but he gets into my personal space, towers over me, I move away but it's leaving me shaking.

He rang the other day and asked what our life insurance covers, I told him I wasn't sure what he was asking and he said "basically if someone died in suspicious circumstances would they pay out, like if the guards were involved". I asked what he meant and he laughed and said to send on the copy of the document.

This sounds ridiculous but I lived with this man, his favorite pastime was making threats that he could then accuse me of reading too much into when I cried or told him I was scared.

I'm terrified he's going to do something to me and I can't go to anyone because what has he ACTUALLY done.

Am I going mad? This is weird right? Please help.

Please do also file it with the guarda and include the questions he's asked about the insurance. I'd also get a new SIM card. Only use the old sim card when you need to call him about DC. Set up a email redirect so you don't see any emails from him. If he starts talking about anything not to do with your DC, tell him he needs to put through any queries via solicitor. And then hang up.
I'd also ask anyone who's seen him hanging around to just send an email with date/time if possible so you have more evidence to present.
You can do it. You're nearly free.

Thanks all, honestly thank you. I was ready to be flamed.

@Cotton unfortunately I have to keep communication open for the kids. He's argued that he has limited access to email and would be worried that in an emergency he can't contact. So the judge agreed texts and calls concerning the boys are fine. I'm trying to get boundaries in place. But following on from other threads I'm going to request he email only going forward. Hopefully the judge will listen.

@Silver I have friends and family, I've put them through so much the last year, I'm worried I come off as insane and don't want to put this on them as well. I'll try talking to a friend of mine tonight, see what comes of it.

I know I should, and were it my friends I would be banging down their door to help, I just can't seem to get the words out. "OMG, LO has gotten so big! So I think STBEXH is stalking me, and may even try to kill me. Christ look at the weather!" doesn't quite roll off the tongue.

Are there women's groups in the area you get in touch with for more practical support? I am Irish too, and the rampant mysogeny (sp?) in the legal system and other areas of life used to do my head in. Although we are thinking of going home, so I will just have to get to grips with it all over again! But please talk to your friends, sitting and thinking on this in isolation is only helping your ex. You need real life support, people pushing you on and it might make him back off a bit when he sees you are not alone in this anymore, prey to his poisonous little whispers. x

@Duke it's unfortunately not that uncommon in Ireland, a lot of terrified women and a large number of assaults and murders on ex partners (women mainly) that are just given the smallest space on the papers. Since joining WA I've noted that all our experiences are effectively the same with different characters. The guards are great, but the legal system is not fit for purpose and their hands are effectively tied. The only way you get supervised access is if you can show the child has been severely abused. Note the severely, even if he does get supervised access chances are i will be ordered to supervise it. It's a joke.

And thanks for the advice re the insurance company, didn't even think of that!

Could you show your friend this thread, or email the link before you meet her?

Please try to reach out, your situation sounds horrifying. MN will be here for you as will your friends.

Maybe ask MN to move this to relationships, it might get lost in fast moving aibu x

Ring the police, tell them what you've told us and ask for their advice.

Yes, there's always someone here for a handhold.
So sorry OP, what a bastard he is.
I hope things get better

I would call the insurer or email and let them know that threats have been made by the beneficiary. Then let your ex know that you have told them that so there would be exactly 0 pay out. What a piece of shit he is.

That's exactly what I was going to post when I read about his threats. Even if you haven't done it yet, tell him you have. Miserable fucker.

Since you're in Ireland, I don't know if they have decent harassment laws - but he's harassing you. So report him to the Guards for harassment and intimidation, and definitely show them that text because he's threatening that someone might die under suspicious circs, either you or himself, and either way it needs putting a stop to.

It may be possible to get a trusted 3rd party to take his messages, so you don't have to see all the bollocks, and they'll just relay the messages that actually relate to the boys.

So sorry you're going through this.

Just reading your account has sent shivers down my spine. Some great advice already given so nothing to add except to send you kind thoughts and hope for some peace for you

thanks everyone!

@HiHoToffee how do I do that?

@Thumbs i think I'll need to apply for a safety order, it stops him stalking, watching or doing anything which may be perceived as threatening or harassment. So says the website anyway! Unfortunately it was a phone call, not a text. I'm hoping the guards take it seriously or at least note it regardless.

From what I've read you have every reason to be fearful, Boysmomma.

You've had lots of practical advice. I just wanted to agree with everyone that you need to take this man very seriously.

Don't allow yourself to ignore the many signs that he's highly unstable. You are not imagining things. He may be freaking you out on purpose to carry on his previous abuse. OTOH he may be losing the plot and potentially pose a grave threat to you and your DC. Talk to your neighbours, visit the Guards, tell your family and your lawyer. Get the word out.

If it's on a mobile phone, download a recording app. They work well.

Boysmomma, use the report button and ask them to move it for you.

I would call the insurer or email and let them know that threats have been made by the beneficiary. Then let your ex know that you have told them that so there would be exactly 0 pay out. What a piece of shit he is

Yes, do this. Email them and copy him in!!

So sorry you are going thru this, he is an abusive monster...YOU are NOT going mad....Trust yourself hard as it may be, and please keep posting here.

Tell your friend regardless of how difficult it feels, tell all your family and friends, they can support you......sorry l have no real help to offer...be safe and don't trust him an inch.

Been there, it didn’t stop until 6 years and a breakdown later.

He would call up to 10 times a day, all under the guise of wanting to speak to DD etc etc. You’ll know the sort of thing.

In that position again I would record every and all calls, you can get a call recording app on most smartphones now.

Take pictures of every time you drop off the children and pick them up- child abuse allegations will probably arise at some point just keep pics for your own sort of proof that the kids are always in a fair sort of state.

And keep a diary of every single interaction. You may need it when the time comes.

Let a few people around you know what you’re thinking. Just so someone knows and can look out for you xx

I would hope that, there having been a previous order, the behaviour you describe would be enough for the court to put that order in place. It's a shame there isn't a record of the insurance convo.

I wouldn't accept any more phone calls from him unless you can find a way to record them. There are probably apps for this. Leave it to go to voicemail, do everything by text or email so there is a record.

I agree with telling everyone, friends, neighbours, family.

@BoysMomma, I'm in a somewhat similar position right now. After a long (LONG) journey trying to get my partner's mental health issues addressed he has now given up on pursuing recovery and I have had to give up on him. I had stupidly kept years of ugly and increasingly frightening incidents off the record, prioritising help for him and the search for a cure, in the hope that he would be well before our DD had to know anything was wrong (he was well for many years prior so I waited and waited for 'the real him' to return).

During mental health lows he would game 24/7, pace about ranting and develop paranoid theories about the world and everyone in it. In more lucid periods he gave me passwords and permission (written) to access his internet searches so he had someone to alert and keep him accountable when another crisis began looming. A few months into the latest (and final) attack of the drama llamas, after some particularly delusional comments, I thought to (remotely) check his history and opened a Pandora's Box of delights.

He'd made similar pointed enquiries about life insurance, reminded me that "things can happen" and that I wouldn't always be safe in my home. His search history revealed some really ugly research in that direction and I felt absolutely terrified of what he had become for months.

When I finally told a friend some of that terror lifted. When I told a second, the constant tension gripping me began to let go. I did feel a knob and like my life was a soap opera and it was mortifying to start to tell (just as you describe, in the middle of a What's going on with you? chat: "Oh you know... bit of school gate nonsense about the fete, the love of my life has turned murderous, isn't it lovely to feel the breeze again?!") but no one ran away and I soon stopped feeling so alone with my fears and started routinely speaking out.

From a practical standpoint this means that two close neighbours have been made aware and will tip me off if they see him lurking around (about a dozen times so far, which is nice). Another living behind us quite matter of factly offered us an escape route through her house. A nearby friend arranged a code word with me that I can text should anything get out of control. I might never need the more extreme of these arrangements but my god it helps to know they're in place!

This was a very long way to say you are not alone either. Really, truly, people who love you will want to know. Isolation is a really useful tool in an abuser's bag of tricks. Rob them of it and you'll rob them of some of their power too. Whether they're abusive because of a chemical imbalance or an over abundance of of cuntiness, being on the receiving end feels exactly the same. The advice here to report and keep reporting incidents, threats and concerns is very wise. I deeply regret not having done so.

Going forward I wish you luck and peace of mind. Take care

Make a new will OP. Look into setting up a trust for your children and have it administered by your own relatives. Make sure he knows that if anything happens to you, your half of the house will not be going to him and any life insurance payout would be solely for the care of your boys.

Ooh that’s a good idea, send an email to the insurance company and say “Dickheadex has been wondering and asked me to find out, should one of us die of suspicious circumstances would you pay out? Where would ExH stand if I died of suspicious circumstances?
Ex, hope this is helpful.

The insurance Co is then aware and should you die during the time of the policy he’s foooked.

Hi all

We're just moving this over to our relationships topic at the OP's request.
, OP.

Gosh. I feel for you. All I can do is urge, really strongly urge you to tell people irl. Tel people. Half of the hold he had over you at the moment is because you're not telling people. Tell your neighbours so they can look out for him/his car. Tell your friend. Then tell another. Definitely tell the guards. Put as many boundaries up as you can; letting the calls always go to voicemail then answering with text is a good idea. Keep a log book of all the communications, sightings etc. Get a dash cam for your car that records even when you're not in it. Yy to house cctv. Carry a personal attack alarm. Ring women's aid for advice.