So Very Confused, Think I've Made a Big Mistake

[Notfrom]

After the holiday from hell and a few months of on and off silent treatment from dh I finally read Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That'. For a while I was in shock as I realised that so much of what was being said in the book was horribly familiar. Several awful rows later I had moved into the spare room and taken legal advice about divorce.

I felt rage, hurt, guilt (breaking up family, impact on dcs) and such sadness that I had been so stupid. How could I have thought it was normal for my stomach to be in knots worrying about asking him at the 'right time' after eating if he would like dessert? (Too soon and he would be annoyed because he had just finished eating and too long and it would show that I didn't care). Lots of things apparently showed how little I cared despite the fact that I was doing all of the domestic work while working full time as his work was so much more stressful and tiring than mine.

For example, once, he stopped talking to me for two weeks because I didn't offer to rub his back during the night when I 'must have noticed' in the dark when he got up to use the bathroom that he was walking strangely. I must have known his back was sore but just didn't care enough to offer to rub it. The fact that I was asleep wasn't accepted as I 'must have' woken up when he got up.

Each time the silence and coldness stopped when I apologised enough. Sorry to go on about this, just to illustrate how lots of things started to come back to me when I read the book after 20 odd years of what I thought was basically a good marriage.

So to my mistake. After a few weeks of relative calm we started to talk. He said he had always wanted me to be happy and that things would be different now. He pressed me to decide if I wanted to divorce or try again as it would be unfair to keep him hanging on. Asked me to trust him to try to make me happy. I said ok, we'll try.

I now realise that he never actually admitted to any kind of unacceptable behaviour and I'm really worried that things will be ok for a while then just be the same and I'll waste more years. I have absolutely no interest in anything physical and am still in the spare room. Don't know what to do now. How do I know that my feelings won't change again? Is my menopausal rage causing me to feel differently towards him or are the scales just falling from my eyes? Sometimes I really dislike him but I'm being nice, partly to stop the atmosphere being bad for teenage dcs. Sometimes I think that I've got it all wrong, how could my partner of over 20 years be emotionally abusive? What does that say about how weak and pathetic I must be? Am I just going a bit mad?

Sorry this is a bit long, but it helps to vent a bit. I just don't know what to do now. Do I tell him I got it wrong or is cruel to build up his hopes then dash them? He is being nice now so I am questioning myself. Any advice?

Op. You are not weak or pathetic or mad. It takes time and a few false starts to end a marriage any length let alone one lasting 20 years. It's normal to second guess yourself. To feel tortured with guilt. To wish things were different. It's been 4 months since my oh moved out and it took over a year to get to that point. I know it was absolutely the right thing to do yet still keep going over and over things in my head wondering how things might have been.

Your husband is abusive. If you don't wish to reconcile tell him. Be clear and don't allow him to talk you out of it. If he asks why you changed your mind say keep it brief and say it's over. Don't say too much as it will give him the chance to confuse you again. Just keep saying it's over, sorry. The less you say the less he has to work on in persuading you to make your relationship work.

It must be so difficult. Xx

Loads of grammar mistakes and punctuation etc missing in my post. Sorry, I'm typing on my phone.

OP, do you remember those holidays where you take your shoes off and you step in the sand and all of a sudden you completely relax? That is exactly how you'll feel when you divorce this man.

He sounds really awful and the atmosphere in your house must be really bad for you and the children.

Bloody hell, he's a psychopath, abusive bastard. Do not go back to him.

I can't imagine that he is actually going to change. Has he admitted anything he had done? Has he apologised and said he'll go for counselling about his paranoia about you not caring about him? Has he tried to explain what has led him to believe it's ok to take out his deep unhappiness on you? Has he said he realises that no other human being can make his life perfect for him, because such perfection does not exist and in any case we are all responsible for our own happiness? Has he apologised for blaming you for things over which you have no control? Said sorry for causing an unhappy atmosphere in your home due to his unreasonableness and lack of logic?

Because he will just go straight back to all his old habits if he hasn't said any of those things. You will be walking on egg shells till you die.

Unless you can live with him being horrible and completely ignore it. But it would be much nicer to be free.

Hi OP
Yes he is emotionally abusive.
My exh was very very similar.
He convinced me to try again only to turn around 6months later to tell me it was over.

The reason why he had said he wanted to try again was because
He told me that he was the one who was going to decide when the relationship was over not me.
So it was all about control.
The strange thing was I was so relieved although devastated at the same time.
He did some awful things for no reason other than he could. He called me every filthy name he could think of and the next minute wanted to hug me.
Walking on eggshells the whole time was a living nightmare.

The relationship was so bad it put me off ever having another as well as having a serious effect on my whole mental and physical health.

I cannot begin to explain the relief of being able to close and lock my own front door and have peace of mind now.

It took years to get over the emotional abuse and it has changed me.

When your H is swinging between nice and nasty OP that is classic Abuser behaviour. It makes you wonder if you have imagined it all and he will minimise everything or deny that it happened.

I would seriously consider getting yourself a back up plan together because the abuse will likely continue.
You need to ask yourself do you want to live like this for the rest of your life and try not to let him guilt trip you into staying with him.
He thinks that this is all about him, your feelings don't really come into it in his warped view on things.
Also you DCs will have seen and been affected by his behaviour too which is even more of a complication for you too.

Hi, Bloke here speaking and I hope you dont mind the male perspective.

From what I can see, your dh has been emotionally abusing you for a long time. He is a total arse and does not deserve you. Pack a bag and leave tomorrow. Go somewhere safe, a friend or relative and go see a solicitor on Monday. If you have young children take them with you, if they are no longer dependent on you just let them know what an utter horror their farther has been and what a misery he has made your life. You have the right to be happy and you will never get that staying with this manipulative self obsessed waste of space.

Thanks for your messages, it's so nice to know that there are people out there listening 😊

I'm really struggling with the guilt. For so long I've thought we were a great team and I am the one who has changed everything. But I can't go back to how I was before. I know that when I say it's over it will get so much worse at home but I'm not leaving dcs and neither will he. In 2 years both dcs will be away at university so we could sell the house and move on but how do I survive for 2 years?

I'm also worried about ending up old and alone. I'm 50+ now, will I regret it when it's just me and some cats? Glad things are good for you now Doingreat, hopefully that will be me someday.

No Apile he hasn't admitted anything, tried to say he hadn't been so angry and grumpy all these years and only went silent because he was so upset, because I can upset him more than anyone because he loves and trusts me more than anyone else.

Sorry to hear about what you've been through Butterfly and I can see how it would put you off relationships. I can't think of anything worse than another man in my life right now (no offence thumpingrug and thanks for the support).

OP. I’d rather be 50 plus with a bunch of cats and happy than be 50 plus and treading eggshells every day with an abusive wanker.

I’d pick being alone any day.

Lundy Bancroft is a great eye opener, and I think you would also really benefit from reading Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.It's based on living with an alcoholic but also applies to other types of abusive behaviour, how it affects you and how complex it becomes to put yourself first. I had already left my exH by the time I read it, but it helped me understand the dynamics of why I kept on trying to help HIM when he was often so bloody awkward and unpleasant. Your story of the back rub rings bells!!

Believe me, you - and the cats - will be so much happier!! Of course it won't be all great, but then what percentage of great would you say it is now...50%? Or less?

Hi OP
I am in my early 60's and I absolutely love the freedom to be me!

Selling the house sounds like a fantastic idea.

How you manage the next 2years is going to be difficult.
You could use the time to formulate a good exit strategy.

Save some money, start a college course that takes you out of the house in the evening when he is at home.

You will meet far nicer people than him.

Think about and plan your first holiday that you will take on your own or with a friend.

Look at potential properties that you could afford to move to.
All these things can happen you just have to want it bad enough!

If you start putting yourself first OP and don't let him drain your emotional strength...use that strength to life your life.

You're not too old to start again, just don't be too hasty and give yourself some time.

Nice picture ExploryRory 😸 and I know you are all right about what I have to do, just need to get the courage to face it and have some sort of plans made.

On a positive note my dcs are fabulous and I'm up for promotion at work. I should be able to support myself financially so I'm in a much better position than a lot of people. It's just very scary to think of starting again after so long.

Butterfly you are an inspiration! I'm not sure who 'me' is at the moment as I haven't spent any time doing what I like (cinema, concerts, opera) for years. He doesn't like crowds or eating out or being out late or having peope, over so our social life is nil.

I've also begun to realise how isolated I've become from my family as he doesn't like most of them. We have lived in our current house for 5 years and my parents have stayed once (they live hundreds of miles away) while his come a few times a year. How did I ever think this was ok? I feel ashamed for taking the path of least resistance for so long.

Thanks for the book suggestion Twillow, I will look out for it. It is much less than 50% happiness at the moment, probably nearer 10% and just barely keeping it together. I've tried calling the Samaritans a couple fo time just to talk to someone but their lines have been busy. Not suicidal or anything, just needed to get it all out.

Lol I thought it would probably be a much lower percentage, but I left that to you
Have you tried any DA helplines, particularly local ones as they may have counsellors you can see (I did, brilliant handhold.)

Just read your post about 'he doesn't like going out, or people...or my family' - classic emotional abuse.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years and found that difficult to break free from; so I can’t imagine what it must be like after 20 years. But even so, I could relate to a lot of what you described in your post. Please listen to everyone’s great advice on here - I can’t tell you how good it now feels to be free and able to be myself. I had a very good friend I confided in that helped a lot. Do you have anyone you could talk to about this? It might just give you that support and confidence you’re not going mad.

Based purely on this thread:

Get out

Get out

Get out

At least cats give unconditional love, always feel warm and snuggly, and only want food and a bit of stroking.

On top of that, the internet has made dating past your 30s so much easier. Leave and don't look back. He sounds psychopathic.

I know Twillow, reading the Lundy Bancroft book rang so many bells that it was scary. I tried to persuade my self that I was wrong as I organise our finances and have been the one to influence big decisions (like saying I didn't want to move abroad when he did) but there are too many signs of ea. My brain still has trouble accepting it though.

there are lots of women's groups & when you get to 60 :) u3a join them get new hobbies & mix or do courses & make your own new friends - I bet you will not be as lonely or as isolated as you are now. Imagine decorating your own house doing a meal for yourself or eating when you want or doing anything when you want without criticism or worry about what he will say.

Sorry to keep with the cat thing but look, as they say on wall street, even a dead cat has a bounce. this was your bounce but the cat is still dead. Just because you thought you might give it another shot doesn't mean you have to stick with it.

Your husband is a prick who has been awful to you. Who knows why he does what he does but that is him. you deserve better.

And you could just leave him because you think you'd be happier without him - even without the, quite frankly, horrible abuse you have recounted here. Just wanting to be happier on your own is enough.

I wish you all the best OP. I think you are almost there. You have no idea how nice the next years are going to be. They could be even fabulous.

I don't really have close friends Millie (isolation again) but there are a couple of people at work that I have confided in who are really supportive so I'll keep talking to them and maybe build some new friendships. I really am listening to the advice but want to build my strength before telling him it's definitely over as I know it will get horrible.

I like the sound of fabulous pallisers and I have started to fantasise about my own place mumsa. I'll get there but I'm just dreading the journey.

I've never thought about doing something just because it will make me happier, how weird is that? I was brought up to be unselfish and to put duty first so the thought of just pleasing myself seems impossibly decadent.