So Very Confused, Think I've Made a Big Mistake

[Notfrom]

After the holiday from hell and a few months of on and off silent treatment from dh I finally read Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That'. For a while I was in shock as I realised that so much of what was being said in the book was horribly familiar. Several awful rows later I had moved into the spare room and taken legal advice about divorce.

I felt rage, hurt, guilt (breaking up family, impact on dcs) and such sadness that I had been so stupid. How could I have thought it was normal for my stomach to be in knots worrying about asking him at the 'right time' after eating if he would like dessert? (Too soon and he would be annoyed because he had just finished eating and too long and it would show that I didn't care). Lots of things apparently showed how little I cared despite the fact that I was doing all of the domestic work while working full time as his work was so much more stressful and tiring than mine.

For example, once, he stopped talking to me for two weeks because I didn't offer to rub his back during the night when I 'must have noticed' in the dark when he got up to use the bathroom that he was walking strangely. I must have known his back was sore but just didn't care enough to offer to rub it. The fact that I was asleep wasn't accepted as I 'must have' woken up when he got up.

Each time the silence and coldness stopped when I apologised enough. Sorry to go on about this, just to illustrate how lots of things started to come back to me when I read the book after 20 odd years of what I thought was basically a good marriage.

So to my mistake. After a few weeks of relative calm we started to talk. He said he had always wanted me to be happy and that things would be different now. He pressed me to decide if I wanted to divorce or try again as it would be unfair to keep him hanging on. Asked me to trust him to try to make me happy. I said ok, we'll try.

I now realise that he never actually admitted to any kind of unacceptable behaviour and I'm really worried that things will be ok for a while then just be the same and I'll waste more years. I have absolutely no interest in anything physical and am still in the spare room. Don't know what to do now. How do I know that my feelings won't change again? Is my menopausal rage causing me to feel differently towards him or are the scales just falling from my eyes? Sometimes I really dislike him but I'm being nice, partly to stop the atmosphere being bad for teenage dcs. Sometimes I think that I've got it all wrong, how could my partner of over 20 years be emotionally abusive? What does that say about how weak and pathetic I must be? Am I just going a bit mad?

Sorry this is a bit long, but it helps to vent a bit. I just don't know what to do now. Do I tell him I got it wrong or is cruel to build up his hopes then dash them? He is being nice now so I am questioning myself. Any advice?

Thanks everyone for more words of wisdom. I have thought that waiting until my youngest dc has left home would be best and there is a practical side to this too as the house needs work. Selling when it's done should get a much better price which would help me buy a new place (assuming I get 50%).

I'm over 50 and don't have much pension (sahm for many years) so am trying to think about how to get myself to the best position financially. We also talked about divorce before and he would only agree to 2 years separation so we might have to live under the same roof but be officially separated as he won't leave.

In one argument he said sarcastically that he was sorry he wasn't giving me any reason to blame him for our problems as he doesn't drink, gamble, womanise etc. He refuses to believe what I've said about the moods and thinks he has been a wonderful husband. If we do split he will tell everyone it's my fault as I became argumentative and stopped caring about him.

I don't really care about being blamed, my family and friends know me and have remarked before about how much I do for him so won't buy the neglectful, ungrateful wife story. Any who do aren't of interest to me in future.

Are you really sure that waiting 2 years is the right thing? Don't dc's deserve to know what it's like to live in a world where you don't walk on eggshells?

I say this as someone who realised at the end of the first term of my second year at uni (living in a house after a year in halls) that I hadn't heard a door slam in months or a cross word/anyone shouting and it was a revelation. My df could be an absolute horror.

I now live in a house with very little shouting I occasionally threaten to throw ds's Lego in the bin if he won't put his shoes on just me and ds (6) and it is just great

op xx

I am really struggling with worry about how it will be for youngest dc when older sibling goes back to uni. For now, things are calm as dh thinks we are trying to make it work so is being nice.

I also feel bad to be stringing him along as I feel more and more convinced that it has to end. I just don't want to rush anything, I felt pressurised into deciding to try again as he kept saying it was unfair to keep him waiting and that I should trust him.

When I read this I sound so weak but it seems such a huge decision to end such a long marriage and cause such chaos in all our lives. I guess I'm just putting it off.

@Notfrom

It's only sensible not to be rash but I suppose you don't know where any of you will be at physically & mentally in two years time ...

As in, plans don't always work out; even ones to end a marriage in two years time.

You do realise that you’ll be entitled to half his pension along with all the marital assets if you divorce?

OP tell him it’s over. You’re giving him false hope and that’s not right. He sounds awful. You only get one go at life and you’re ready for the next part. I’d say get on with it now. I was in a very similar situation and said I’d try again but not a single part of me actually wanted to. I just had to bring it to an end and move out. It was hard, emotionally and financially but I did it. I’ve just bought a house that is all mine and I love it. It’s taken 3 years of saving up. Everything here is mine. I feel like I’m free and relaxed and happy. Just go for it x

Make some big long lists.

First - list all of the things he has done/not done over the years and how this made you feel. Refer to this often and add to this regularly. It is important to see it all in its totality. Cross ref with Bancroft. You need to keep "seeing" it so that you find your anger and motivation.

Second - list all of the things that you need to research and action to leave. Then just do one thing a day/week/month. You can stick with the research part for as long as you like - but keep moving through the tasks.

Third - list all of the things you can do and how you will feel once you are liberated. Start doing some of them now. Detach.

You can leave any relationship for any reason - you can just be "unhappy". You don't have to prove he was abusive to him or anyone else. Just decide / know that it is over.

Expect him to become difficult, obstructive etc.

Your DCs need to know that this is dysfunctional and toxic and they need to see you put your big girl pants on and walk away to choose happiness. Otherwise this is the only blueprint they have of relationships and they will end up in a similar dynamic as you have role-modelled how to accommodate and tolerate the moods of an abuser. As others have said better to do it now than after they have left - otherwise they will have the burden that you endured abuse for them.

Get some counselling to support you though this.

Well I told him this morning that I want a divorce. Eventually, after questions about why and saying I should have told him I was unhappy (which of course I did over the years each time he was moody and withdrawn, although he says he can't remember) he has accepted that I mean it.

I'm slightly in shock now and not sure what to do next today. I'm in my room and we have said we'll talk again later but it feels so weird. Life needs to go on, food shopping needs to be done and I feel a bit numb.

I suppose we both need legal advice. He says he won't make it hard for me but wants a divorce on grounds of separation rather than fault. He doesn't feel that he has been unreasonable in any way and won't start proceedings, says that's for me as it's my decision. We still have to finish work in the house as it is to our mutual advantage to get the best price for it and that will take some time.

He seems really sad and I'm feeling sorry for him but I think this is the right thing. I'm terrified of a lonely future but couldn't go on as things are and couldn't see it getting any better.

Just needed to share, feeling alone.

Well done. I wouldn't expect it to end here. He will try to get you to give it another go.

Fantastic. Don't worry about getting divorced, but work on being separated - put a separation agreement in place that states the date of separation (today) and covers the financials for the interim period. Pensions are marital assets, so any pensions the two of you have are pooled and shared between you same as equity in the house and so forth.

Get copies of everything financial you can - bank statements, pension paperwork etc - and take a serious look at your earning power, then see a solicitor.

You can divorce him on whatever grounds you like. For unreasonable behaviour you need 4-6 examples. I’m sure you have hundreds. Coercive control is very difficult to live with.

On the plus side he can now live wherever he likes if this place is making him so unhappy.

Well done. Being single is no bad thing. Once you two have gone your separate ways and settles down you will feel a huge weight lift (if it already hasn’t). You will rediscover yourself, take up some hobbies whatever you fancy. New friends and a new life are there waiting

Thanks all. Not feeling any weight lift yet as he wants us to tell ds tonight then go and tell dd tomorrow. Really dreading this.

Wow. I wasn't expecting the latest post so soon. Well done OP.
Yes, it will be hard telling the DC, and you never know - they've probably noticed things anyway.
You know he will be super nice to you now - still trying to reel you back in. Don't fall for it. Stay detached.

Don't expect him to be reasonable throughout separation, he's mentally abused you for years, he's not going to change. At the moment you've probably caught him off guard. Keep your guard up and be wary

Told ds tonight and he didn't seem shocked, actually took it fairly calmly. I'm expecting my dd to be much more emotional tomorrow but I suppose we need to get it over with.

I had intended to keep trying for a while but I realised that I really don't love him or fancy him anymore so it seemed dishonest to mislead him into thinking we might be ok. So far he just seems really sad, keeps asking why but I'm trying not to spend loads of time going over old ground. He still can't accept that days and days of coolness and emotional distance are not ok.

I really appreciate the support here. I have spoken to the Samaritans a couple of times in the last two weeks and it helped to talk it through, I think that's why I made my mind up to be honest and say how I feel. It seems weird to be telling people I'll never meet but it's nice to know that someone understands.

OP I’d just like to reassure you that you’ll be fine. I’m in my late 50s and left my abusive H a year ago. I’m not rushing to get a divorce because I know I’ll never want to marry again and I felt to stressed to deal with all the legalities.
The main thing is I have peace of mind and I’m no longer feeling anxious and pandering to his every need. I have my own space and I can do what I want to without nasty put downs and criticism. The relief is immense.

I could literally be you. So much of your thread mirrors my life. Mumsnet has helped me to understand and unravel so much and realise there is a very similar script to these controlling abusive types. Yours and mine sound so similar - you too should be so grateful he isn’t a boozer, womaniser blah blah blah. You are being so strong, keep going, you are setting a wonderful example to your children. Keep going, you will find your peace and everything else will start to fall in to place

And enrol on the Freedom Programme through Women’s Aid. Another lightbulb moment for me.

This type of abuser never ever admits to any of it being their fault. You have done the right thing so keep strong and move forward with the divorce. Get good advice from a specialist divorce lawyer as to what is the best way to proceed and please don't believe it when he says that he will be reasonable. Unfortunately, once the shock that you've dared to end things has worn off, if he follows the usual pattern, he will start being difficult about everything and you will have a fight on your hands all whilst he is telling everyone that it's all your fault.

Wow - well done you. Hope that telling your DD goes as well as expected. Who else is on your list to tell - get the genie out of the bottle - make it real - no going back.

What’s next on your list? Would suggest initial legal advice even if the plan isn’t to separate legally.

Would also seek advice from a few estate agents - depends where you are as with a falling market / stagnant market it might be more cost effective to get it on the market as it stands. Also some “improvements” don’t add value - just cost you stress, time and money down the drain - so best to get advice.

You will feel winded as you have been wrestling with and made tough emotional decisions over a long time. You will be exhausted.

But this milestone is done now - so take a breath, rest a bit, pat on the back and regroup for stage 2.