So Very Confused, Think I've Made a Big Mistake

[Notfrom]

After the holiday from hell and a few months of on and off silent treatment from dh I finally read Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That'. For a while I was in shock as I realised that so much of what was being said in the book was horribly familiar. Several awful rows later I had moved into the spare room and taken legal advice about divorce.

I felt rage, hurt, guilt (breaking up family, impact on dcs) and such sadness that I had been so stupid. How could I have thought it was normal for my stomach to be in knots worrying about asking him at the 'right time' after eating if he would like dessert? (Too soon and he would be annoyed because he had just finished eating and too long and it would show that I didn't care). Lots of things apparently showed how little I cared despite the fact that I was doing all of the domestic work while working full time as his work was so much more stressful and tiring than mine.

For example, once, he stopped talking to me for two weeks because I didn't offer to rub his back during the night when I 'must have noticed' in the dark when he got up to use the bathroom that he was walking strangely. I must have known his back was sore but just didn't care enough to offer to rub it. The fact that I was asleep wasn't accepted as I 'must have' woken up when he got up.

Each time the silence and coldness stopped when I apologised enough. Sorry to go on about this, just to illustrate how lots of things started to come back to me when I read the book after 20 odd years of what I thought was basically a good marriage.

So to my mistake. After a few weeks of relative calm we started to talk. He said he had always wanted me to be happy and that things would be different now. He pressed me to decide if I wanted to divorce or try again as it would be unfair to keep him hanging on. Asked me to trust him to try to make me happy. I said ok, we'll try.

I now realise that he never actually admitted to any kind of unacceptable behaviour and I'm really worried that things will be ok for a while then just be the same and I'll waste more years. I have absolutely no interest in anything physical and am still in the spare room. Don't know what to do now. How do I know that my feelings won't change again? Is my menopausal rage causing me to feel differently towards him or are the scales just falling from my eyes? Sometimes I really dislike him but I'm being nice, partly to stop the atmosphere being bad for teenage dcs. Sometimes I think that I've got it all wrong, how could my partner of over 20 years be emotionally abusive? What does that say about how weak and pathetic I must be? Am I just going a bit mad?

Sorry this is a bit long, but it helps to vent a bit. I just don't know what to do now. Do I tell him I got it wrong or is cruel to build up his hopes then dash them? He is being nice now so I am questioning myself. Any advice?

Notfrom you have to realise that your DC's are being taught that this is how to have a relationship. Do you really think they haven't seen and heard? You're teaching your sons to how to treat a partner and your daughters that abuse is acceptable.

Get him out. Tell the kids he's going because abuse is never ok.

BE prepared. The abuse will amp up when his control slips. Take back your life. You gave him 20 years!! He couldn't change in that time so how on earth can he suddenly do it now?!

You are right to be fearful of the journey because it is not an easy one, but there is zero benefit in investing yourself further (the sunk cost fallacy). Can you visualise a life where you are only answerable to yourself, not hesitantly worrying about someone else’s expectations of you, but gearing your teens for their own lives? You don’t need all the answers/solutions now, but an image of an alternative path for you may guide you

Notfrom I was reared the same. I once said to a therapist something like "well you have to put other people first" and she said "pallisers there isn't a belief system in the world which requires you to put other people before yourself". I started quoting from the gospel and then I realised no - it just says love your neighbour AS yourself - not better than. It was a transforming moment for me.

I also realised that only women were really taught to put others first before themselves.

My friend finally got rid of her awful husband aged 50 (he was just miserable and awful - not abusive like yours). She is now 54 and came by the other day to show me photos of her and her new lovely boyfriend out fishing together.. It was awful at first but now she is so happy.

I know what you are saying Fanny but I don't want to badmouth him to the dcs. He has already accused me of trying to turn them against him and they really love him. The first time they saw his silent behaviour was this year and they were quite shocked but he seems to have persuaded them that he was only like that because I was so mean to him. They really love me too and I don't want to make them take sides.

What you are saying is really interesting pallisers as I have had a religious upbringing. I have never thought of loving neighbours AS myself before, will need to digest that one.

Selfishness has always seemed unacceptable and my dhs many sacrifices for the good of the family have been brought up again and again (mostly around not being able to move to the other side of the wodld because I didnt want to and working in a stressful job to bring in money).

If you're intending to keep living there for another 2 years I'd have a look at some things for partners/families of addicts. It's similar enough to be useful. For a start, the 3 Cs - you didn't cause his behaviour, you can't control his behaviour, and you can't cure his behaviour. Just remembering that much would be a great start.

Lots of little acronyms to help you take the focus off him and put it on to you and how you are feeling. I found HALT very good when I was particularly anxious and dithering with it. Am I Hungry/Angry/Lonely/Tired? What steps do I need to take to look after myself right now this minute?

Not my circus, not my monkeys - you are not responsible for his feelings.

QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally. He's mad and illogical and he can continue to blame you for things that happen when you are asleep, but you can see this as part of his madness rather than allowing it to get to you. Any normal person would just laugh at the idea of a person blaming a sleeping person for something. It's absolutely nuts. I'd love if my H rubbed my back right now but I'm not going to be angry with him tomorrow because he was asleep during the night. He would think I was mad and he would be right. So don't take his madness personally.

Withdraw emotionally.

A counsellor gave me the idea of a visual of being in a bubble when someone is ranting. So you are shielded from whatever they are saying, it just gets deflected by your bubble.

Keep your focus on yourself and your goals.

Again, people work to support their families. It's just more of his nonsense to see it as some big sacrifice he made. It's what ordinary decent people do. He'll be saying next that you should appreciate that he doesn't hit you.

Notfrom what does your DH do for you? Both people in a relationship have needs & nobody’s needs trump anybody elses barring severe illness.
After 20 years, as said above, he is most unlikely to change.
You deserve to be happy

Notfrom I think you should invest in some therapy - it could transform your world view.

I wish you well.

His request is part of the cycle of abuse:

You'll notice things will escalate again after/IF he makes an effort. It's not about making a mistake on your part, it's more abuse and gaslighting on his part to trick you into feeling temporarily secure. You're only human, so this is a natural thing to have happened. I need to finish reading the rest of the thread but I wanted to share the attached graphic first.

Also - you will have to talk to your kids about him at some point, because unfortunately men like him tend to start abusing offspring in the absence of a partner. Emotionally abusive and manipulative people are classic for doing the same to their kids.

If the samaritans are busy, try ringing woman's aid x

100% I’d get divorced if I was married to the man you describe.

Thanks again to everyone for the kind words and support and a very interesting graphic from penisbreakers. Thankfully the dcs are older, one at university and one in sixth form so pretty independent already. I suppose 1st dc leaving home last year for uni was what really made me think about what life would be like when they both left.

My dh thinks that bringing in money is pretty much all he should do Scarlett. He hates where we live and hates his job. I've said so many times that I'd support him if he changes job and we would manage on less money but he won't do it. Says if I know how unhappy he is I should realise that this is what might be making him grumpy and try harder to make him happy. 😢

I feel for you Notfrom, STBXH was abusive for 20 years. He decided we weren't compatible or happy last year and left. And do you know what the first thing I felt was? Utter, sheer relief. Relief that I wouldn't have to live walking on eggshells, having to keep my opinions to myself, having to do everything he said and do things only his way (because they were the right way of course ), that my kids and I could relax and not feel the pressure of living up to his high expectations.

I took the time to get myself to counselling and it helped me immensely. I had feelings of guilt, wondering if i could have changed me to make things better and to stop the abuse. But after reading Lundy's book and doing a lot of research online, it would appear that I would never have been able to please him no matter what i did.

I have very low contact with him (I only communicate about bills and kids) and that is best for me to help me move on. He is very adamant that we are both to blame for the marriage breaking up and i am still getting my head round that as I know i'm not a perfect human being. I look at the list I keep of things he did to me over the years and I look at it when i feel I need to. I have read about reactive abuse. I have gone over my childhood issues with my counsellor. i am working on changing all my negatives into positives.

it will be a long road to be 100% healed - if ever. Half of my life has gone and I only have another half left. I do feel that 20 years of my life has been wasted (apart from my beautiful Dcs of course, they have helped me stay strong). i blame myself for not having the strength to leave, 5, 10, 20 years ago but that is my cross to bear.

All i can say is that i am very happy to be away from that situation. Life isn't perfect but it's a darn sight better than it was. I have seen my Dcs laugh, cry with laughter and relax more in the last 14 months than I have in the whole time we were a family unit of 4 (actually not that we ever really were a family unit of 4 as he was the same, he worked and so was entitled to do nothing else).

Take your time, Rome wasn't built in a day......go at your own pace and remember that all of the things that you are feeling are valid, don't let anyone tell you they are not. Also you have to ride the wave of emotions that you will feel during this process. it's perfectly fine to be crying one day and happy the next. Just go with it, let it be and then let it go....

I tried to persuade my self that I was wrong as I organise our finances and have been the one to influence big decisions (like saying I didn't want to move abroad when he did)

Do you mean you feel guilty for this? In a partnership, it isn't wrong to have an opinion you know! I'm glad you didn't say yes for an easy life!

Yes Twillow I have felt very guilty as he has mentioned about a million times that his life would have been better if we had moved. I have felt like I ruined his life as he has been forced to live somewhere he hates. Except now I'm thinking that no one forced him to do anything.

We live in a really nice, safe area with fantastic transport links and decent people around us. We have one set of slightly noisy neighbours but he hates it here and his negativity has made me so unhappy. Our dcs have been to brilliant schools here and are lovely young adults who make me so proud. I'm really glad I didn't agree to the move and that was actually partly because I was scared of spending weeks at a time being ignored with no friends or family earby.

I'm happy for you scotgal and I hope you keep going from strength to strength. I think I'll have to make a list of things that have happened as it is hard not to question myself when he is being nice.

I'm thinking about when to talk to him again to say I don't see a future together. I think I'll do some more thinking about what I want to do next before saying anything as I know it will be awful.

"In 2 years both dcs will be away at university so we could sell the house and move on but how do I survive for 2 years?"

You will simply let him destroy you further if you do that do that. You were also targeted by him many years ago.

Do not do this to yourself and these children who have and are seeing their dad's abuses of you at first hand. What do you want to teach them about relationships and just what have they learnt here from you two?. Doing the above will simply give him another 2 years to abuse you all and you are beaten down enough already. I doubt very much he will be at all wanting to sell the house then and will make separating from him as long and protracted as possible.

Look at the nice/nasty cycle that was posted earlier; you are in the midst of this and that cycle is a continuous one too.

Also potentially delaying leaving till then will further harm the children because they will certainly know by then that you stayed for them. It's really no legacy to leave then and they won't thank you for doing that to them either. You could well find it even harder to leave then and like all abusive men he won't make it at all easy for you to leave him either. He enjoys having the power and control over you that much and if you go he will then have to put the work in to find some other woman to abuse. Such men hate women, all of them.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. They have to follow your lead here.

Your energies would be better employed talking to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and the Rights of Women organisations. Do you also have a firm of solicitors you can use?.

I would not bother with trying to talk to him again, such abusive men are not open or receptive to any reasoned argument. Its their way or no way as far as they are concerned.

I’d rather be alone with some cats than living with your ‘d’h

OP you’ve been married for 20 years! You’re allowed to change your mind... if it doesn’t feel right now and you don’t want to try again then you can say that and change your mind and leave. He’s been messing with your head for 20 years, emotionally abusing you so it will always be difficult. It will be difficult, but trust me, it will be soooooo worth it

He doesn't like crowds or eating out or being out late or having people, over so our social life is nil.

That sounds miserable. There's nothing stopping you from tipping your toe in the water now and getting in the habit of going to the movies, out for dinner (alone or with friends) and carving out time to do things you enjoy. In a way, it's a blessing he doesn't like those things because maybe you can slowly disentangle from him by doing all of those things by yourself or with others.

I think you should see a solicitor and get the house sold. Your dc will not be too devastated, but you will be if you stay. He didn’t speak to you for 2 weeks? What an absolute arsehole! You can’t live like that, it’ll kill you.

Also, I think the way he expects you to read his mind and sort of tend to him (the dessert example) is rotten. He wants such a tight reign and hopefully you'll be able to loosen that gradually until he has no grip left because you'll be gone, baby, gone.

I was also apparently responsible for my husbands moods. Turned myself inside out to be perfect and never, ever was.

He left me (had to wait years for him to go due to his violence) 12 years ago and I have not had another relationship and never will. I knew I wouldn't before he even left. I do have cats however. I think I've got a good deal. My kids are grown and the youngest at uni now. My life is just about to begin and I am looking forward to it.

@muchalover

Good for you. Cats are the business anyhow!