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Original poster

Should I contact his family?

79 replies

GirlabouttownxXx · 20/09/2018 21:22

Long story short. I’m 37 weeks pregnant and my ex partner has left the country and told me he can’t come back due to visa problems.

I don’t believe this to be true.

I feel that he is so scared to tell his family about this baby he would rather lie. So I’m wondering if I should make contact with his family. He says he has told them but again I don’t believe him.

I feel like he wants to pretend as though me and his child do not exist. I also feel that his family will be able to tell me the truth because he is a pathological liar.

What should I do? Any advice would be much appreciated

OP posts:
Joysmum · 23/09/2018 09:02

I think whatever anyone says you’ve made your mind up.

If you do decide to go ahead, please please please only give a means of contact you can block if you need to. So not your main email address or phone number.

LyndaLaHughes · 23/09/2018 09:06

I may be being pretty dense here but I don't understand how all his family can be here and have no issue doing so yet he can't stay in the country? Am I missing something here?

PussGirl · 23/09/2018 09:24

His story has more holes than a string vest.

Original poster
GirlabouttownxXx · 23/09/2018 11:44

We were together for almost two years I’ve never met his family but he told me he told them about the pregnancy.

I ended things between us because he couldn’t handle the fact we got pregnant. He started talking about visa problems and I thought it was all too convenient.

He eventually came back wanting to make a go of things but then questioned the paternity of the baby so I told him to fuck off. Again he came back wanting to part of the baby’s life claiming that he needed time to sort his head out. Then he said he was leaving the country as his visa was expiring.

He had a professional job with a big company and got a promotion not too long ago mind you.

I know it seems strange that he’s the only one with visa problems in his family.

I know I will never get the truth from him and tbh I don’t really care.

I keep changing my mind. I know it seems like I’m asking for trouble and it’s true they may not believe me. I do have messages and pictures though.

Like I said I have a very good support system but I don’t want to deny my child the right to know his paternal side of the family. If they aren’t interested then I can rest assured knowing I did what I had to do.

OP posts:
HereIgoagainxx · 23/09/2018 11:55

I don't want to be all scaremongering, but people can do drastic things if they think they will be straddled with the financial commitment that comes with a child.

It's odd you are carrying their baby and have never met them.

For all you know he is in the country and shirking his responsibility. Are you sure he is overseas?

HereIgoagainxx · 23/09/2018 11:56

Carrying his* baby

SandyY2K · 23/09/2018 11:56

Okay... but do you know that he's being truthful about his job or are you taking his word?

Not just the visa situation...but that he was genuinely doing what he told you.

Do you have contact details for his family? Is he on social media? Any concerns about it if he is?

I'm going to assume (correct me if I'm wrong) that you're white and he's black.

If that's not the case...the rest of what I'm going to say may be irrelevant.

If your child is biracial and has no knowledge of black side if their family...that can cause identity issues growing up.

So I would (for the sake of my child) do what you can to see that your child knows about their cultural heritage.

No matter what you do...there will obviously be a visible difference and links with paternity are in the best interests of the child.

Is he from West Africa?

0rlaith · 23/09/2018 11:58

Did you ever live together OP?

TwistedStitch · 23/09/2018 12:04

I wouldn't, they are total strangers. You know nothing about their background, character or values. You may as well approach some randoms in the street and invite them into your baby's life.

zsazsajuju · 23/09/2018 12:30

I would- the baby is their family and they are it’s. In the position of either the child or the grandparent I would want you have made contact.

Good luck op and congratulations.

Original poster
GirlabouttownxXx · 23/09/2018 12:32

He has left. I went to the airport to make sure. The thing is he may have come back.
I wouldn’t put it past him.

I know he worked for that company for sure and in the capacity he told me.

He’s on social media but I am not. I know the names of his family members but nothing more.

I am of African descent as well which makes it worst tbh because culturally what he has done is unacceptable (as it would be in all cultures) but he has the same background as me and I feel his family would call him up on that if they knew. But I could be wrong.

I do feel like he shouldn’t be able to shirk his responsibilities or keep me and this baby in the dark. But on the other hand maybe I should just cut them all out completely and keep my baby away from them.

Thanks for all the advice so far

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlabouttownxXx · 23/09/2018 12:33

He is West African and we never lived together.

OP posts:
0rlaith · 23/09/2018 12:37

But on the other hand maybe I should just cut them all out completely and keep my baby away from them

You have never met these people, you don’t even know if they exist! You don’t need to cut your baby off from anyone . Just leave it. You don’t know what kind of trouble you may create for yourself and your child.

AdaColeman · 23/09/2018 12:38

Actually, you do know something about his family.

You know that they raised a son who thinks that it's acceptable to abandon a pregnant partner, and who you know is a compulsive liar.
What does that tell you about their values?

0rlaith · 23/09/2018 12:38

Sorry I’ve just seen that you have never lived together. My guess is that he’s married with kids and you are OW.

I’m so sorry.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 23/09/2018 16:43

You know that they raised a son who thinks that it's acceptable to abandon a pregnant partner, and who you know is a compulsive liar.
What does that tell you about their values? Sorry but i think that's so harsh on them! My son's dad is a shit, cheated on me and barely sees our son. However, his family are amazing, they are my family now. They can't do enough for myself or my son and are lovely people. Their other son is just like them and they're all ashamed of ex. You do your best to raise your kids but ultimately they are their own people. It's different for me as I knew them a bit before having my son. But I think it's unfair to judge them because of their adult son's actions.

Original poster
GirlabouttownxXx · 23/09/2018 19:27

I did it. I went to his mums house. I had a letter prepared but I thought fuck it I’m knocking.

His mum answered and let me in. I told her everything. She knew nothing about me or the baby. She was shocked. She said she was worried about where her sons head was at and that he hasn’t been acting right. She went on a bit about our culture and stuff which I get and she just said she wished she knew earlier.

She was calm throughout and consoled me when I got upset. In the end she said the baby is all that matters. I did ask whether he was coming back and she didn’t say.

I left her my number and said she can contact me anytime.

I feel relieved that it’s out in the open now. Whatever they choose to do is on them but I’m glad they know we exist now.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 23/09/2018 21:39

Wow Girl that was brave. Did his mother believe you straight away and do you think she's going to want to have a relationship with you and the baby?

Pompom42 · 23/09/2018 21:41

I don't understand these people saying don't contact the family and what are you hoping to gain.
Of course you should contact the family it is their grandchild and if he hasn't told them they may want to know

Didsomeonesaybunny · 23/09/2018 22:03

@girl - so pleased that his mum was welcoming and empathetic. If your ex makes a choice that he doesn’t want anything to do with the baby then that’s his choice but he has no right to make unilateral decisions of other adults that might want some involvement.

Original poster
GirlabouttownxXx · 23/09/2018 22:10

I think she believed me. I knew too much about her son for her not to.

She seemed to want to be involved and was very warm towards me but I guess time will tell.

Yea I agree they had a right to know and my ex certainly wasn’t man enough to do it!

OP posts:
sue51 · 23/09/2018 22:23

For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing. I hope you can establish a good relationship with his family and they can put pressure on him to act responsibly.

zsazsajuju · 23/09/2018 22:25

Well done girl. Flowers

enoughisenough2 · 23/09/2018 22:48

You did the right thing xx

Didsomeonesaybunny · 23/09/2018 22:58

@girl - some men are cowards when it comes to truth telling and the like. Your baby is not a dirty little secret and deserves love from as many avenues as possible. His family may enrich your babies life which is an amazing gift.

I think you were so brave to do this knowing you could have faced anger and rejection and I hope she keeps her word.

Also contact the CMS so that you can start the ball rolling on maintenance.