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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I contact his family?

79 replies

GirlabouttownxXx · 20/09/2018 21:22

Long story short. I’m 37 weeks pregnant and my ex partner has left the country and told me he can’t come back due to visa problems.

I don’t believe this to be true.

I feel that he is so scared to tell his family about this baby he would rather lie. So I’m wondering if I should make contact with his family. He says he has told them but again I don’t believe him.

I feel like he wants to pretend as though me and his child do not exist. I also feel that his family will be able to tell me the truth because he is a pathological liar.

What should I do? Any advice would be much appreciated

OP posts:

Starlight345 · 21/09/2018 15:51

I would also say be careful what you wish for .

You may find a can of worms opened . You don’t know them all you know is a man in there family who has no sense of responsibility.

AdaColeman · 21/09/2018 16:19

Did he ever give you an explanation as to why you hadn't met his family?

I'd be very cautious about revealing a pregnancy or introducing a baby to people who were complete strangers. You know nothing about their lives or beliefs.

You only have to read MN for a day or two to discover tales of difficult relationships with MILs and babies, and you might well put yourself in a similar situation with his parents.

Cawfee · 21/09/2018 16:58

He’s probably already married with another family OP. Are you prepared for that type of outcome?

Original poster

GirlabouttownxXx · 21/09/2018 20:08

No explanation as to why I hadn’t met his family. He doesn’t live in London so it just never happened.

I did consider the fact that maybe he was hiding something from me. Maybe he is married!

OP posts:

Butterfly44 · 21/09/2018 20:15

Yes I agree with you OP. Tell the family. If they would like to be involved great. If not, you have informed and offered. In future when your child asks you about them you can answer knowing you did the right thing x

Haffdonga · 21/09/2018 20:20

Do you have their contact details?

If you do I'd send them a birth announcement.

Hellywelly10 · 21/09/2018 20:27

My dds fathers family have never initiated any contact with her and they have met me many times.

Original poster

GirlabouttownxXx · 21/09/2018 22:24

I have nothing but an address. Is it too much to just show up at their house?

OP posts:

Josiebloggs · 21/09/2018 22:31

I think you should keep quiet.
His family may be too interested in the baby. He has proved he has no care for your child but his family may want him to take the child or apply for access.

Haffdonga · 21/09/2018 22:35

Yes I'd say much too much to turn up. Post a lovely photo of the baby when it's born with a friendly letter,
Dear Mr and Ms Grandparents
I'm delighted to let you know that Ex's son/daughter (name) was born on (date). I'm sure you would like to hear all about him/her so I'd be very happy for you to get in touch with me on xyz.
Best wishes, Girl

Wolfiefan · 21/09/2018 22:55

A complete stranger turning up and claiming the baby they are carrying is family?
Yep. Way too much. I don’t know what you want from these people.

passwordfailure · 21/09/2018 23:14

OP - don't do it, you don't need the drama. The father has voted with his feet, if he changes his mind and tells his parents then they can ask him for your contact details. Also think really hard about whether you want people who don't know at all in your child's life. Do you know where he works? If so you could get a male friend to call and say he's got a package for him to see if he's there.

Original poster

GirlabouttownxXx · 22/09/2018 22:06

Hmmm. I have mixed feelings now. I just want to do the best thing for my baby.

OP posts:

CoolCarrie · 22/09/2018 22:12

You could find out lots of things you don’t want to know OP. Tread very, very carefully, and turning up at their door would be a very bad idea, you have no idea how these people will react to you.

FlamingoLass · 22/09/2018 22:22

Initially reasoning this I was all for grassing him up for the family, but fuck that. Who needs that fuss. Close the book. Start your new one now.

Joysmum · 22/09/2018 22:24

You know nothing about them. You could br inviting a shitstorm into yours and your baby’s lives. I wouldn’t risk it tbh.

SelinaMyers · 22/09/2018 22:25

OP my position is very similar to yours- 37 weeks pregnant, absent ex, mine is even African as well! I have thought long and hard about letting him know when the baby arrives (ExP is an orphan so no family to pass the news on to) and in all honesty I think it is best to just get on with things yourself.

Original poster

GirlabouttownxXx · 22/09/2018 23:38

Sorry to hear you’re in a similar position to me Selina.

I don’t plan on telling him anything. He has my contact details and knows my due date so if he wants to make contact he can.

It could be opening up a can of drama but I feel I need to do it to put my mind at rest.

I like the idea of sending a letter or a picture once baby is born as a pp suggested

OP posts:

penisbeakers · 22/09/2018 23:48

Don't show up at their home. You don't know how well that might be received.

I would write them a short letter, introducing yourself and putting an email address to contact you in it, and your mobile number if you have one.

ChampagneCommunist · 23/09/2018 00:19

No, don't. If he has visa problems & you involve his family they may want to take the baby to visit him abroad, and you can't risk that

SandyY2K · 23/09/2018 00:29

Sorry...a few questions to try and gain a better understanding.

How long were you together for?

Did the relationship end before you fell pregnant?

Are you sure about his immigration status when he was here?

What makes you think his family would want to be involved if you've not met them?

If he was here on a work visa...he's more likely to be a professional ...are you sure he worked in the field he told you?

Did you ever meet any of his friends?

WittyFuck · 23/09/2018 05:14

Dear god, don't contact the supposed family of an unreliable man whose story about visas has holes a mile wide in it!
Why would you invite this sort of chaos into your child's life? You have never met these people.doesn't that tell you someone. Keep your baby safe and enjoy every moment of being a mother.

BertrandRussell · 23/09/2018 05:53

To be brutal-why would they even believe you?

Rtmhwales · 23/09/2018 06:02

My husband left me six days before I found out I was pregnant and I went back to my home country. He didn’t tell his parents or relatives so I did, and they all opted out of knowing our DS despite being married and having an excellent relationship pre-separation. I wish 100x I hadn’t bothered to tell them. Their rejection of DS hurt more than anything.

Monty27 · 23/09/2018 06:12

OP I know you need support right now but I certainly wouldn't be chasing him.
Take your time and be careful. We've all heard the stories.
Good luck.

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