Does anyone else out there have the most horrendous arguments/rows with their husband and feel like they are the only ones?

[HighlandFling]

Does anyone else out there have the most horrendous arguments/rows (i mean the screaming hate-filled type)with their husband and feel like they are the only ones? Our relationship has really hit rock bottom. We are both extremely unhappy and yet I feel that everyone around us are in blissfully happy(ish) relationships. I know that of course other people have their ups and downs, but I have got it into my head that we are in a class of our own. I feel like I am carrying around a 'dirty' secret and struggle with the pressure of acting the 'happily married' scenario on the very rare occasions we find ourselves in company. I can't bear to think about the vibes that my 1 year old ds might be picking up in the house. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife - I am torturing myself with guilt. I'll stop there now or else this would run on and on as I went into detail - wouldn't want to subject anyone to that! Just desperately want to hear from anyone who this strikes a chord with...

yes definately & when I finally confided in my boss by telling her, she's a really good friend, I was even more shocked when she told me how bad things were for her & her dh who I thought had the perfect marriage! We have constant conversations about whether we're the only people in the world feeling like this or that everyone else does & just hides it.

I get so upset and my husband doesn't respond to it, then I end up being angry and really losing it - I was never ever an angry person before I met my husband. Rowing is hideous isn't it. Nice to know I'm not the only one, although obvously sorry you go through it too - you can tell your boss there is another out there too. Do you and your husband tend to argue about the same things?

ps My sister says that anyone who says they never have rows is lying - it's hard to believe though. Do people really just bury it, even from friends/family?

OOh yes, had one yesterday. Most of the arguing tends to be from me which of course insenses me even more. His approach is often to say "I'm not going to discuss this" which is like a red rag to a bull. I am then driven to make him react!

Oh yes! And if it makes you feel better so do all of my friends, every one. Can't think of one couple who doesn't have their big barnies and problems. Don't know if that should make me feel happy because I'm not the only one or sad because I think "blimey, that's it, there is no fairytale"

Highland we do it all the time - in fact i just flounced out of the kitchen in a huff after a huge row about moving to the country. Sometimes i HATE him so much! And I never felt like that before we had our dd 11 months ago. It makes me very sad but there are good times too. My best friend has 2 dc's and she told me her and her dh were threatening to leave each other on a regular basis when the dc's were both very young. Believe me - you are NOT alone! We never had rows this filled with hatred and vitriol which worries me but I hope it is just a phase.

Yep, split up 2 weeks ago after I realised the next time I was going to do him some serious damage with something sharp/heavy.

God, I'm starting to realise that their really isn't a fairytale is there? I think my husband and I are pretty incompatible, if I was brutally honest.His way of dealing with my upset (usually caused by him) is to stonewall (latest phrase picked up from sad self-help books). He blocks me out, wont respond, internalises everything and doesn't respond. All of which make me more and more wound up, desperately wanting him to communicate. Oh dear, this sounds so stereotypical.

Highlandfling are you married to my dh???

Fortunately we don't have blazing rows, as dh is the 'silent dark cloud type', which infuriates me even more. I don't like to fight but I do like to talk about things that upset/bother me... stonewalling is such an apt description1

I think that is my problem. I need to talk about what upsets/bothers me, and because my dh does not give me the environment in which to do this, it builds up and up in me and then the upset converts to anger.Which I hate.

Charliecat, sorry to hear that - hope you are coping ok?

I have a stonewaller too. We have the most horrendous vicious rows and I really can't believe that most couples are like this

Charliecat, missed your post first time round. So sorry to hear! Hope you're coping.

zookeeper, I think there are more people out there than we wish to believe... Probably always have been but 'nowadays' women aren't willing to put up with cr*p??? and also thanks to technology we have a better forum to vent.

and just to proof it we've had a 'confrontation' ... had a sort of quiet chat about his negativity and lack of initiative which ended in me taking stuff into the kitchen whilst muttering 'it feels like I've got to be the driving force all the time and I just don't have the energy anymore'... cue for him to trump upstairs and sit down in front of the pc without another word... AAAAAAAAAARGH. If I weren't in my pj's I'd go out and grab some ciggarets... yup it's driven me back to smoking!!!

Im coping Its lovely not to have him in the house TBH. I didnt used to be like that/that.

Solution - separate but adjoining houses with access to each via internal door. With lock on the 'female' side!

Timeforme, good plan but would sort of fail at 'totally broke' issue

there is no such thing as perfect, but i think everybody deserves to be happy.

my dp and i should have split years ago, but i got pregnant
he is bullying, controlling and has 'paranoid personality disorder' which means he doesnt let me do anything, constantly accuses me of having an affair (even with members of my FAMILY) he uses bullying to get what he wants.
i have lost contacts with a lot of friends because of him
i am very unhappy, and once i get the confidence to go and get a job i will leave him. he has worn me down and i have no self confidence or self worth.
i also dread breaking up with him, because i am frightened of what he may do phsically, and i'm worried he may try to take dd (not that he would want her, he would be doing it to hurt me)
we argue in front of dd, which i hate, and he swears a LOT.
1% of the time we are together, he is the person that i met, but i am constantly on guard and feel as if i am walking on eggshells and can never really enjoy myself when im with him
i cant even wear what i want!!
writting this all down has kind of made me realise how awfull it is, and i really need to leave him, its just not easy, as i like to pretend to everyone that everything is 'fine'.
because i got pregnant quite young, i have been a bit off a dissapointment to my family and i feel this will be another one.

MrsBigD you summed it up totally for me in your comment about always being the driving force. That's just how I feel. All day I have to think for myself and two toddlers, I expect a grown adult to be able to think logically without me being the one to tell him all the time. Oh and if I keep repeating myself because he still hasn't done something I am a nag. I bet most women, when specifically asked to do something by their DH/DPs do it almost right away. If you were repeatedly asked to do something at work and didn't you'd get a right kick up the arse so why is it OK to completely forget at home. It's totally disrespectful to the other party

I wish my DH was just a stonewaller but he has a worse habit. Life is okay most of the time but only because I put up with things and don't complain. Every now and again, it gets on top of me and I do complain. DH will then counter with some criticism of me, leaving me defending myself while he ignores the original complaint that I had. For example, I snapped the other week because I do 100% of the houswork, gardening, etc and I felt that he was adding to the work by leaving clothes on the bedroom floor and stuff like that. I spent a whole Sunday clearing up while he watched TV so I snapped. Instead of responding to my complaint, he accused me of being a bad mother because I was shouting in front of the children. These rows only end when I give up and back down.

timeforme, that is a brilliant idea! just wish i could put it into practice!
my house would be lovely and his would be a pit lol

No, mainly because we are both lazy buggers and aruging takes too much damn effort.

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Crikey im so sorry there are so many off you so terribly unhappy. I fall into the driving force being stonewalled niche myself and i feel like ripping my own face off on very bad days... Its rubbish i know... My dp works long hours and that i appreciate but he is a slob at home lol refuses to face problems and acts like a spoilt child sometimes but i do love him regardless and i think for all my faults he lov me to we ar just prone to pulling in different directions fromtime to time :O Someties i hate him with a passion so intnse i could happily murderhim and then sit and eat cheese cake lol but then again sometimes i could just wrap him in my arms and shower his face in kisses. Poin im aking? yep reltionship ca suck! but if you walk away gain a new perspective things caaaaalook a whole lot better than just minutes before in the huge row. Assssssssfor woopsadaisy im so vry sorryoulivewthamn who controls you and depletes your self etemin such a horriblway...I HOPe things get better foryou soon xx

Crikey im so sorry there are so many off you so terribly unhappy. I fall into the driving force being stonewalled niche myself and i feel like ripping my own face off on very bad days... Its rubbish i know... My dp works long hours and that i appreciate but he is a slob at home lol refuses to face problems and acts like a spoilt child sometimes but i do love him regardless and i think for all my faults he loves me to we are just prone to pulling in different directions from time to time :O Someties i hate him with a passion so intense i could happily murder him and then sit and eat cheese cake lol but then again sometimes i could just wrap him in my arms and shower his face in kisses. Point im making? yep reltionship can suck! but if you walk away gain a new perspective things can look a whole lot better than just minutes before in the huge row. As for woopsadaisy im so vry sorry you live with someone who controls you and depletes your self estem in such a horrible way...I HOPe things get better for you soon xx

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Everyone thought we had the perfect almost 20 yera marriage and had no idea how badly we got on (we divorced 4 years ago). We didn't have huge rows as such as I don't like shouting etc but he certainly shouted a lot. It was so bad all 3 older children individually asked me to divorce him.

You have to decide where you lie on the scale - normal row situation stay together (no marriage is every perfect as you can see from the thread) or so horrendous what is the point in being together. The middle ground is try to solve the problems too which many people manage.

Do you still love him? Do you want to be married to him still? Most people in essence don't and can't change so that is usually not a helpful route.