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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does anyone else out there have the most horrendous arguments/rows with their husband and feel like they are the only ones?

65 replies

HighlandFling · 10/06/2007 19:05

Does anyone else out there have the most horrendous arguments/rows (i mean the screaming hate-filled type)with their husband and feel like they are the only ones? Our relationship has really hit rock bottom. We are both extremely unhappy and yet I feel that everyone around us are in blissfully happy(ish) relationships. I know that of course other people have their ups and downs, but I have got it into my head that we are in a class of our own. I feel like I am carrying around a 'dirty' secret and struggle with the pressure of acting the 'happily married' scenario on the very rare occasions we find ourselves in company. I can't bear to think about the vibes that my 1 year old ds might be picking up in the house. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife - I am torturing myself with guilt. I'll stop there now or else this would run on and on as I went into detail - wouldn't want to subject anyone to that! Just desperately want to hear from anyone who this strikes a chord with...

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 11/06/2007 20:56

This thread is so sad... My partner and I really love each other and we have such lovely times together. Only on Friday he said to me "I used to think I was married (speaking of his ex-wife - 15 years together) but now with you I know I was never truly married..."

My partner and I don't row. He's definitely not the rowing type. Sometimes I get cross with him, but he always concedes later on that I was in the right...

But we do have massive, lengthy, analytical conversations, over and over again, about how we think and feel about life - our own, other people's, what's going on around us. And gradually we reconcile our points of view. It's a slow process, but both of us believe that it is very necessary to reach a point of agreement on our major life decisions, the division of labour in our couple, how we bring up our children.

Stonewalling is just a non-starter. If you have a stonewaller in front of you, you have to tackle that issue alone before you can unravel your differences and rebuild your life. I suppose that Relate is probably the best place to start.

bonkerz · 11/06/2007 21:00

I reckon DH and I have a huge blow out every few months. Infact we have started one tonight.
In the early days i would stomp around and cry and swear and say horrid things and he would do the smae. I would start to pack my bags cos he would always tell me our marriage was over. Reality struck though when i finally got in the car with the kids and went to drive off. He broke down and havent argued like taht in 2 years. Our rows now seem to be 3 or 4 days of silence and ignoring each other then all is fine again!

Oblomov · 11/06/2007 21:40

Highlandfling - Thank you so much for your nice comment. And you are so right. Dh has hurt me with some of the things he has said, more than anyone has ever done. And I do believe that is partly because my love for him is so very very deep, that his opinion hurts / is valued more than anyone elses ever has been.

And if this thread has highlighted anything to you,it is that we all face 'issues', but that you really do love your dh, thus it is worth 'fighting' for.

And that makes me happy too.

Judy1234 · 11/06/2007 22:45

Give it 15 years, Anna and isn't it likely he'll have the same views of you as he had of the ex wife and vice versa or he'll be saying the same to his third partner. Or do people try harder second time and make it work? I don't know. Actually I'm wrong - 60% of second well marriages break up, more than first.

Ordering my place in the convent as we speak.

Oblomov · 11/06/2007 23:05

Steady on Xenia. Thats quite a jump /assumption you are making. We could all be divorced in 15 yrs !

Anna8888 · 12/06/2007 07:00

Oh Xenia, really - do you think that people have the same naïve views of relationships when they've been through all the horror and pain of separation as when they are in their early 20s? Or do you think people never learn anything from their experience of life and go on repeating the same patterns and mistakes forever, regardless? That's a pretty dim view if you think so, and certainly not where we are at in our lives.

I think anyone who is miserable in their relationship ought to address the issue - marriage is not a life sentence, people are in relationships to provide mutual support and make each other's lives easier, not harder.

There was a very good article in the Economist a couple of weeks ago about the steeply declining divorce rate in America. You should read it, Xenia.

Judy1234 · 12/06/2007 19:59

I think I read of it. There's been a slight decline in the divorce rate in the UK, though there is also a huge increase in couples living "in sin" etc and not marrying which may partly account for it.

I think statistically more second relationships fail than first but may be we all get better the more failures we have or may be past form is an indication of future form. Why knows.

Anna8888 · 12/06/2007 20:11

Xenia - read the article, you'll enjoy it. Nothing to do with the reasons you are citing.

Inahuffpuff · 02/07/2019 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dragonway · 02/07/2019 09:22

Yep. I also have a relationship where my DH is so scathing and rude to me. He talks to me like I’m dishwater and I think I’m the only one. I see/hear the way other couples talk to each other. I was sat in a pub last night and there was a couple with a new baby. They were smiling and chatting and laughing. We never did that. My DH was so rude to me when the kids were babies. We never had that easy going laughing marriage and I wonder if it’s me? I’m shy and kind and I have that relationship with my kids and my friends and then I think is that normal marriage? It just feels hard! Should it feel hard? I’ve lost sight of normal to be honest

Shoxfordian · 02/07/2019 09:28

If you're constantly arguing and you don't get on then why stay together? Life's too short for this shit.

fotheringhay · 02/07/2019 12:19

Is this a thread from 2007? What did Inahuffpuff say???

fotheringhay · 02/07/2019 12:21

I thought it was weird before I noticed the year, because I reckon now, almost everyone would be saying this sort of relationship is totally unacceptable.

Good and interesting to see how we've collectively raised our standards

Secondsight · 02/07/2019 13:01

My DH was passive aggressive and so it was always me who started an argument. His response was "you're just trying to start an argument" which was around every six months.
With my new DP I do try to avoid too many arguments as it's left me feeling so crap afterwards.
Some people love a good ding doing but I wonder if its worth trying someother tactic.
I was upset on Sunday after my DP who misses me so much etc wanted to cut the weekend short and go home at 12 midday for no particular reason. I was v hurt and couldn't understand it. We went and got a coffee and discussed it. As this has happened a few times now rather than have a fight over it I'm getting some space from him.
I'm interested in this subject area and why arguments happen. What's the root cause of them? Are you actually arguing over the issue or does it turn into something else?

upple · 02/07/2019 13:18

Zombie Thread. Anyone who posted originally still around I wonder?

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