Does anyone else out there have the most horrendous arguments/rows with their husband and feel like they are the only ones?

[HighlandFling]

Does anyone else out there have the most horrendous arguments/rows (i mean the screaming hate-filled type)with their husband and feel like they are the only ones? Our relationship has really hit rock bottom. We are both extremely unhappy and yet I feel that everyone around us are in blissfully happy(ish) relationships. I know that of course other people have their ups and downs, but I have got it into my head that we are in a class of our own. I feel like I am carrying around a 'dirty' secret and struggle with the pressure of acting the 'happily married' scenario on the very rare occasions we find ourselves in company. I can't bear to think about the vibes that my 1 year old ds might be picking up in the house. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife - I am torturing myself with guilt. I'll stop there now or else this would run on and on as I went into detail - wouldn't want to subject anyone to that! Just desperately want to hear from anyone who this strikes a chord with...

this sounds very familiar.......

My dh and i still have the odd shouting/slanging match - and when we go boy, do we go and we have been together for nearly 20 years.

Do not ever think it is a "dirty" secret - everyone rows and i agree that people who say they never row are liars.

Dont torture yourself with guilt - is your dh doing this as well? no! so why should you? I completely relate to this feeling because when my dd was very young i used have knots in my stomach for days over the rows we had, and we said some really horrible things to each other.

Your one year old baby will grow up knowing that it is normal to row and that part of the process is making up. Its important for them to see you making up and hugging after.

Thanks for all the feedback. It is very helpful to hear from others that it is, sadly, more common than I thought.

Suppose have to just find ways of coping and try really hard not to be bothered by the hundred, million, BILLION irritating/annoying/stonewalling/unsupporting things that husbands do regardless of the impact on wife!! Aaaargh

(ps to whoever mentioned it, am trying desperately to avoid the AD route as I'm sure it would help, but as it's not the cause, wouldn't fix things in the long term...I suspect counselling would be more use)

only a hundred million BILLION? mine dh has hundred billion TRILLION ZILLION ................

This is amazing. All of our woes are more or less the same. We must draw some comfort in that and at last, we have confirmation, it is THEM and NOT US!!!

Woopsadaisy, what you describe is what ive just escaped from. Feels lovely to be free.
I havent sorted anything. But just knowing im not coming home to that is pleasurable.

also great to know that i am not alone and that others have the same raging arguements...the hardest challenge is staying together in a world that promotes a new ethic to just move on and find a new better make, i'm of the belief that if i did move on i'd be in exactly the same place in about 5 years or so, and maybe with more kids, and then what are you going to do move on again....and again

anniemac in my case the stonewalling is I want to talk about something and dh just sits around with big dark cloud over his head and then slinks off to the study. He doesn't row, he sulks

Anniemac mine would be more a his moods make me fancy him less... and don't think you're clutching at straws... no time to become best friends if ya keep fighting

We have big rows. Not very often, but as Discofever says, "when we go boy, do we go".
Yet unlike other posters I totally love dh. He is extremely loving, both says and treats me like I am the top of his priorieties, by a long long way. He is not lazy or a slob. He doesn't block, although he is a bit of a sulker.
We have been together 7 yrs. Married for 4. Ds is 3.
But sometimes he makes me so mad.
I was not an angry person before pregnancy. I don't know where my anger comes from. I discussed with Doctor, mum and Bf, but all thnink I am nowhere near depressed, but my anger ......?

That's what I was asking below. Annie and O love their husbands. The HF situation sounded worse. You might have rows. You might have times which are harder than others but if people know they love each other and still on occasion delight in each other's company then you stay together. But you also have to know when it is so bad it is not normal and not tolerable and then do something about it.

Not for me at all. I don't like any rows. I am sure that annoyed my husband. It's quite hard to row on your own.

What I found hard when I was deciding whether to divorce was was this so bad it was unusual and unacceptable or was it really like this for everyone and when I thought about it and talked to a few people I saw it was too bad to continue and had got worse. But it was hard knowing when that point had reached and for people who don't believe in divorce in any circumstances it never gets too bad - you continue with it forever however bad it gets.

me and dp are at relate because we just can't speak to each other without it turnig into an argument. So you're not the only one, no.

Thanks for this thread. I also get unreasonably angry at my h for what sometime feel like small things. I've been trying to work out why and have so far come up with the fact that I get angry as I feel he does not listen to me. Why that should make me so furious I resort to throwing things I don't know.
It is nice to feel not alone in this - though it does not feel nice that so many people seem to feel the same.
I also look around and think why is everyone else except us so happy? I guess there is a lot more to most relationships than people on the outside see.

To make an effort to change that Boredatwork, rather than focus on the fact he is not apprearing to listen to you, focus on the feeling that him seemingly not doing so raises in you. Then concentrate on contolling/changing that feeling.

We cannot control the way another person acts towards us be we do have control over the way we react.

So better to remain single like I am then?

Anniemac - just thought I would respond too: he argues AND stonewalls. A double whammy.

Stonewalling is a serious business and is usually a tool used within an argument (typically, it seems by men).

He argues with me, then when I make a point he doesn't want to respond to, he STONEWALLS me. Then as I try to break the barrier and get increasingly irate at faced with great big stupid unscaleable wall thing, he alternates popping out to argue and be moody and scowl with more bouts of stonewalling.

Tears seem to make wall thicker.

Just read through the rest of the recent thread and started to well up reading what Oblomov said about loving her dh.

Yes, despite it all, I do love my dh and couldn't imagine life without him. But I think that is why the arguments are so hideous - the people who love us/we love most have the greatest ability to wound us deeply as they know our weak spots.