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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Think I'm having a breakdown

80 replies

daybydaybdbdbd · 18/09/2018 12:06

DH and I have 2 DCs aged 8 and 6.

DH hasn't worked in years and says he can't find a job. To be fair, he trained in a sector that more or less collapsed in the financial crisis. But the financial crisis was a decade ago. He seems to do little during the day. The house is always a mess and it's far more than I can keep up with on top of quite a demanding job.

I can no longer cope and have given him his marching orders after what I think was some sort of a breakdown at the dinner table last night. DC aged 6 was being difficult and just sort of got up and started screaming, I don't even know what I was saying, just going on about how I couldn't cope and I was sick of it and I don't even know what. It was like I was listening to myself saying things and not doing it myself if you see what I mean?

DC aged 8 was in tears because, well, it was an ugly scene. (I've talked to both children since and apologised and reassured them, obviously I still feel like shit though.)

DH is trying to get some things in order today to go and stay somewhere else for a bit to give me some space. I'm from abroad and don't have any family here so it's not so easy for me to go elsewhere. We only have my income so renting somewhere else is out of the question.

Over the summer DH told me that he doesn't love me any more but wants to stay together for the sake of the children. I emphatically don't want to stay together for the sake of the children. What good does it do for them to live with two unhappy parents? But DH has no income and I don't make enough to run two households. Who on earth does?

Obviously I've missed out a mountain of back story but that's where I am today. I feel terrible. About everything. I don't even know where to start. I'm trying to get through some work to meet a deadline that's coming up this week. What should I do? Who should I speak to? Please be kind, I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Stabbitha · 18/09/2018 12:09

It sounds like everything has been your responsibility for too long. Don't worry about housing him. That can be his responsibility now.
Be kind to yourself.

DaphneduM · 18/09/2018 12:13

Oh bless you - don't feel bad about having a meltdown, it sounds as though it's been a long time coming. You have obviously been working so hard to hold everything together that's its absolutely got too much for you - you are not super human. It's good that you have reassured your children too. It seems from my perspective that your husband is clearly not fulfilling any meaningful role for either you or the children. You say the house is a mess, but as he's not working, the very least he could do for you is to take over the whole domestic role to cut you some slack. You have more power and control over the situation than I think you realise - you are the children's mother and you are working. He says he doesn't love you any more - that is the crux of the matter. Reflect on that one and I think you will find a clear way forward. You have made a good start by posting on Mumsnet - there will be many people along to advise and help. Sending you massive hugs xxxx

hellsbellsmelons · 18/09/2018 12:15

But DH has no income and I don't make enough to run two households
He's an adult. You don't have a responsibility to house him.
He has to start taking responsibility for himself now.
Unless he has disabilities he can work.
He can get bar work, retail work. Anything. But that is now no longer your responsibility!!
Simple as that.
Once you can come to terms with the fact that HE is not your child but a grown man, you can move forward.

He's been a cocklodging asshole for a decade.
Time for you and your DC to make your own lives now.
He can sort himself out!

hammeringinmyhead · 18/09/2018 12:28

Yeah right. He wants to stay where he is so he can do nothing all day and have his bills paid.

It's up to him to sort himself out especially as the children are likely to stay with you.

MrsPuff5 · 18/09/2018 12:31

Why would you have to run two households.
Get him out of your home, and he can fend for himself.
He doesn't want to stay for the kids, he wants to stay so he can sit on his arse and be looked after.

ravenmum · 18/09/2018 12:38

Get all your paperwork together and seek legal advice / go to the citizens' advice bureau, wherever you are, and start looking into how the financial side will work out. The law can't expect you to support him if you can't afford it.

Meanwhile, can you make arrangements to live separately in one home, or for him to live elsewhere in the longer term? Sounds like your dh might work with that.

People split up all the time, it can be done.

pog100 · 18/09/2018 12:52

you need to look after yourself and your children, not him. Have you been to the GP? You have too much on your back and he is making it worse not better. Be kind to yourself.

Storm4star · 18/09/2018 13:29

As other's have said, he's an adult. He's not your responsibility. There is absolutely no excuse for not having worked in ten years.

If he continues to not seek work, he can rent a room in a shared house and housing benefit will pay. Chances are if he has to sit alone in one room all day, you will find that he can manage to get a job! Of course he won't love that idea, but tough luck! If he was at least keeping the home nice that would be something but he's doing nothing. Whatever happens next is down to him. It's not your fault and not your responsibility.

aperolspritzplease · 18/09/2018 13:32

He needs to get a job and rent somewhere for himself. HE's not your responsibility - you have two children, not 3.

I hope you're ok.

InDubiousBattle · 18/09/2018 13:33

Had he been the primary carer for the dc for the last 8 years op? Did he stay at home with them whilst you worked when they were little?

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2018 13:33

Why would you feel you need to run two households? He's not your responsibility.

He's only staying because he's no money to leave. Not for the kids, that's bullshit.

Tell him to sling his hook. He's not your problem.

InDubiousBattle · 18/09/2018 13:36

If you are married op then to a degree he is your responsibility. Married couples have a duty to support each other. It really isn't a simple as 'kick him out'. Do you own your home?

Gr33nGlass · 18/09/2018 13:38

InDubiousBattle is asking the most pertinent questions so far. It's not as simple as "throw him out". He could claim to be the primary carer as he is at home with the children. Op needs to tread carefully.

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2018 13:39

Married couples have a duty to support each other?

No they have a duty to get a job and pull their weight, do their fair share. Not lay about doing fuck all and sponging as hard as they can off the other.

InDubiousBattle · 18/09/2018 13:41

Yes, each married partner has a legal duty to support the other. Look on the Citizen's Advice website.

ravenmum · 18/09/2018 13:42

We don't know where OP lives. Where I live, if I'd earned less than my ex, I could have had to pay him (not the kids) maintenance, despite him being the one who had the affair.

ravenmum · 18/09/2018 13:44

(If I'd earned more than him, obvs, sorry.)

InDubiousBattle · 18/09/2018 13:44

You need to speak to a solicitor op. If you're in the UK you will find one through The Law Society.

Storm4star · 18/09/2018 13:47

A solicitor is good advice. That's a bit of a shit situation though. So if a woman doesn't get married she's not protected but if she does get married she's potentially then stuck! A bit of a no win really.

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2018 13:47

Yes, each married partner has a legal duty to support the other

Well in my book he declined to fullgill that duty first off.shes been doing it for years, he says he doesn't love her anymore, but what, she's expected to keep washing his pants and paying his bills.? No chance.

Get him out, a judge will expect him to work. And the fact he's fucked off without the kids says it all. He can't take you for money you don't have.

ravenmum · 18/09/2018 13:49

She's chucked him out to stay on someone's sofa, of course he's not taking the kids with him.

sleepyhead · 18/09/2018 13:51

What InDubiousBattle said. If you've been working ft and he's been doing the bulk of the day-to-day child care then you're in exactly the same position as a man with a SAHM.

Unless he offers to go, he's got every right to stay with the dcs in their home and you be the one who leaves. Tread carefully.

Original poster

daybydaybdbdbd · 18/09/2018 14:01

I agree with InDubiousBattle and while I'm not in the UK, the law where we live says pretty much the same thing as English law does. Alimony is a thing here, even when there are no children involved.

We live in rented accommodation with a secure tenancy and in an incredibly expensive area (comparable to London/SE England).

I am a self-employed freelancer and it's a struggle, but we live pretty well if I do say so myself. Being self-employed and working from home until very recently means that the issue of primary care isn't so clear cut. We have always both been very much around at home/school for the children and are fixtures at all the usual parents' events.

Taking the children anywhere would mean taking them away from school and I'd like to think that we are both responsible parents who put our love for our children before our egos and whatever else. So I don't think that him making arrangements to stay elsewhere is any reflection on his feeling of parental duty.

(If you know me then my situation's probably pretty recognisable so please pretend you never saw this.)

I can't really face thinking about all that just now though. I truly think I'm having a breakdown. I have genuinely done my best, as in to the maximum of which I am capable, to provide him with emotional as well as financial support. But I'm all out. I feel like I'm watching the life I wanted just vanish before my eyes and that I've lost all control. I'm just the supplier of money and nobody cares about me beyond that.

Sorry but I'm feeling really sorry for myself today, I'm struggling to get through this work here (to make money for my family) and I feel unable to cope.

OP posts:

Original poster

daybydaybdbdbd · 18/09/2018 14:04

Unless he offers to go, he's got every right to stay with the dcs in their home and you be the one who leaves. Tread carefully.

Yes - and this is the issue. Because I can't leave because I haven't got any money to afford to stay anywhere within about six hours' drive from here! And even then it would be a real squeeze trying to find any way to pay for it. I really don't think we have enough money.

So I can't afford to leave, unless I abandon the family and leave them unable to pay the rent or buy food. Never going to happen (wouldn't even do it to DH on his own, however angry I might be). But I can't go on like this, I'm losing the plot.

OP posts:

Original poster

daybydaybdbdbd · 18/09/2018 14:09

By the way I'm not ignoring the posters who have pointed out that I need to disentangle myself emotionally. Rationally I know that I can't solve everybody's problems and experience has certainly shown that there's nothing else I can do to support DH. It's just really hard today. I've been telling him for almost a year now that I felt I was heading for a breakdown and it's a bit shocking to me now that it actually seems to be happening.

OP posts:

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