Think I'm having a breakdown

[daybydaybdbdbd]

DH and I have 2 DCs aged 8 and 6.

DH hasn't worked in years and says he can't find a job. To be fair, he trained in a sector that more or less collapsed in the financial crisis. But the financial crisis was a decade ago. He seems to do little during the day. The house is always a mess and it's far more than I can keep up with on top of quite a demanding job.

I can no longer cope and have given him his marching orders after what I think was some sort of a breakdown at the dinner table last night. DC aged 6 was being difficult and just sort of got up and started screaming, I don't even know what I was saying, just going on about how I couldn't cope and I was sick of it and I don't even know what. It was like I was listening to myself saying things and not doing it myself if you see what I mean?

DC aged 8 was in tears because, well, it was an ugly scene. (I've talked to both children since and apologised and reassured them, obviously I still feel like shit though.)

DH is trying to get some things in order today to go and stay somewhere else for a bit to give me some space. I'm from abroad and don't have any family here so it's not so easy for me to go elsewhere. We only have my income so renting somewhere else is out of the question.

Over the summer DH told me that he doesn't love me any more but wants to stay together for the sake of the children. I emphatically don't want to stay together for the sake of the children. What good does it do for them to live with two unhappy parents? But DH has no income and I don't make enough to run two households. Who on earth does?

Obviously I've missed out a mountain of back story but that's where I am today. I feel terrible. About everything. I don't even know where to start. I'm trying to get through some work to meet a deadline that's coming up this week. What should I do? Who should I speak to? Please be kind, I don't know what to do.

Ok, well that does sound less clear cut (which is good for you although I imagine it can't possibly feel like it).

Does he accept any responsibility for his situation? Do you think you would start to feel differently if he were able to make changes to it? Get counseling for eg if he's depressed, get a job, be more proactive around the house, or is it too late and the marriage is dead?

sleepyhead on one level I feel like things might be able to turn around. But it's really completely dependent on him, so I can't really hope for/plan on it. I don't feel like I need to change in the short to medium term: I am coping with all the basic adult responsibilities. And I don't have much left over now to help him learn to manage his.

I think, long story short, that there's ASD and possibly something else as well in the picture here (I'm 99% sure I have ASD myself, but I've found a way of more or less being able to manage.)

I've told him he needs to retrain, get serious job counselling and I don't know what else, but that's the extent of the support I can provide just now. It ain't much.

Can you see your gp (or equivalent )about your mental health now op? It must be incredibly hard keeping the balls in the air. It's a positive step that he has agreed to leave for the time being- if nothing else it will focus his mind on what exactly he has to lose.

Yes, you can't make someone else change, however much we might desire it.

Hopefully this might be a wake up call. Some people do drift along, bogged down in their own feelings of failure/injustice/inertia/helplessness etc and as long as they're fed, housed etc this can continue indefinitely. It's not healthy for any of you.

I need to, don't I. I will see if I can make an appointment later this week. I'm a bit scared to, in case I fall apart completely. My freelance business revolves around me, and if I don't work then we've got no money coming in at all!

I just want the children to be happy. And I know that they know that I'm desperately unhappy, so I can't go on like this.

Firstly OP you need to get your own health sorted out. Please visit a GP ASAP. They will probably offer you medication and if you can take it (not sure what your history is) then please do, just to give your head some space.
Once you are feeling better you will be able to work through the rest.

But you need to sort out how you are - not how your DH is - before you can sort any other issues.

Keep posting and let us all know what other support we can offer

Is there any other way you could live semi-separately until things are sorted out, at least in separate rooms, or arranging timing so that you are not in at the same times during waking hours? Does he have any family who could e.g. put him up weekdays?

Things do feel absolutely overwhelming and impossible when you are living on top of one another in mid-crisis, but when you get advice and take things step by step, things can at least be cobbled together as an improvement, and eventually something gets sorted out. Being as separate as possible helps.

Is this the same country as me, where you can get a certain number of hours of therapy via health insurance? Get all you can. Anti-depressants and milder sleeping tablets (e.g. antihistamine) can help in the short term (lack of sleep can affect you more than you might think). Do yourself a favour and get all the help you can.

The word "breakdown" makes it sound like you are broken and have stopped working, but that's not it. You're having a crisis, it's either peaked or will do so soon, and it's making you take action; things are about to change.

I'm back - wanted to say thank you for the comments, which have been of immense support to me over the past week. In particular @ravenmum 's remark "You're having a crisis, it's either peaked or will do so soon" was really reassuring.

This is all over the place but here goes:

I have been really lucky to have the support of two lovely school mum friends who have reiterated what was said above: that my first responsibility is to myself, rather than to DH. I asked DH to go on Tuesday but he didn't leave until Saturday. Since then he has been at his parents' house 1.5 hours away, but is coming home tonight. School mum 1 has really urged me to ask/tell him to stay at his parents for longer, but I just don't feel able to do that right now. I can't face the confrontation if he refuses (I can't - and wouldn't - lock him out!) and in any case I've told the children that he will be back tonight and we'll pick them up from after-school club together. They really miss him and it would be gutting for them if it then didn't happen.

That sounds like an excuse and who knows, perhaps it is? But in the short term I really can't handle the extra stress right now.

I have not yet been to the doctor . I've been doing a tremendous amount of housework and enjoying being able to have the house to myself for once. As far as therapy goes, fortunately finances are not a problem and I believe it would all be covered by my insurance anyway. It's just that right now I don't have the extra energy to organise anything.

I'm really not sure what to do for the best. DH is adamant that he needs to stay in the house and I will need to go somewhere else. I think School Mum 1 is also suggesting that if he doesn't come back it will give me more 'power' (for lack of a better word) to stay here and continue my life here going forward, but I can't help hoping that he'll somehow see sense and find a way to sort himself out. I'm in a dream world, aren't I? I think his ideal situation would be for me to go and live with his parents (he actually suggested that I go and stay with them!) and just send him money. Last week he said that his ideal lifestyle would be living on benefits and pursuing his own projects.

Last week he said that his ideal lifestyle would be living on benefits and pursuing his own projects

Great! So he gets to lounge around doing what he wants while you pay for him?? Good God. Surely there must be some way that you are not financially responsible for a man who is unwilling to get off his backside and work! This is so wrong. I really hope you can find a way through this.

Pardon me, but what a dick he is. If he says that again, tell him that's your ideal lifestyle too, you're giving up work and you should both move into a bedsit together as that will be all you can afford. You really think he'll see sense? He sounds like he's a permanent resident of Cloud Cuckoo Land.

One reason it can be hard to start doing things is when you think you have to do everything more or less at once, rather than seeing it as multiple, individual tasks. Each of those tasks might actually not take that much effort, but you see the overall effort required, and obviously that feels immense. How about sitting down one day and making some notes, trying to break it down into separate things you need to do? For example, if you're not ready to just say "You have to stay here? Stuff that!", then you need to set him up in a separate room. Then when that's done you can work out a timetable so you come and go at different times, for instance. After you've done each task you can pat yourself on the back for having got ahead.

I'd put a trip to the doctor first. You are feeling slightly better now and don't want to slip back into full crisis mode - so go to the doctor while you are actually able to, rather than waiting until someone has to take you there. That could be the first task. Getting medical help can be what helps you take the other steps you need to take to crawl out of your hole. It can give you the energy you need.

What odd responses. If it were the other way around we wouldn't be telling a working father to boot out a non working mum. It's a bit old fashioned to assume the mum has to keep the kids in this case

Wow he's deluded! He needs to pull himself together and sort out a job and home. I find it hard to believe a man wouldn't want to provide for his family. Not like he was home all day and doing everything he could to keep a happy tidy home.. stay firm and do not let this man back in without some sort of resolve this problem will not go away. Oh and why the heck should you move out! The children need some sort of stability and leaving their home isn't going to give them that. Big hugs xx

Busybarbara - he isn't a SAHD though is he? He isn't primary carer for the children and he isn't doing any house care. Apples and oranges. He has stated he is quite happy to be paid to do nothing and by nothing he means literally nothing.

I don't think there is any such thing as a 'non-working mum'. A SAHM is not 'non-working'.

@busybarbara that's as may be, but given that this thread is in Relationships not AIBU and, as the title says, it started when I feared I was having a breakdown, I'd prefer that you either offer practical advice or fuck off. Thanks.

Ouch OP, no need is there.

Ouch OP, no need is there.

Not sure what part of "breakdown" or "crisis" you don't understand? Anyone who wants to discuss the finer points of whether MNetters would respond in the same way to a man is welcome to do so. Elsewhere. Right now it's pretty much at the absolute bottom of my lists of interests and priorities.

well, you appear like someone who can take care of themselves and turn assertive pretty quick, you should have no problem sorting your shit out and dealing with this situation. Good luck.

Christ. He’s a giant layabout basically. So he wants to stay in the house. What is his plan for paying the rent and bills when you move out and stop paying that stuff? It’s not your responsibility to maintain 2 houses. He’s an adult, your kids are at school, he can support himself. No wonder you are done. He’s taking the absolute piss. Do not let him back or you’ll never get rid. You need a plan.

Just because a cornered animal bites doesn't mean it's naturally aggressive. OP is clearly far from assertive usually, considering what she's put up with so far, and considering the absolutely fair approach she's still taking. She can't help it if people are giving extreme advice on her thread. Maybe save the lecture on manners for when her life is not currently disintegrating?

OP, hope you do after all manage to channel some of that attitude with your ex. Sometimes it helps to get the rage.

Yep. Exactly. Channel it positively and fairly.

Everyone has meltdowns at some point or another. You are not alone and must not feel bad. Things have come to a head and overboiled.

Living with someone that has clearly expressed they don't love you anymore must be truly awful, and I am amazed you haven't asked him to leave before now.

Do you have any support in RL? Friends that you can talk to? Maybe your family can fly over and support you? This is not the time to be the hero but to call everyone and tell them exactly how it is, and how much you need them to help you through this.

Ask him to leave and find somewhere to stay and then some legal advice and financial planning is needed, so you can secure your future.

I am sorry you are going through this, but the only way is up when you have levelled out at the bottom. Hold tight and get some RL support.

I've long had a theory that quite a few nasty posters on MN are misogynistic men coming in to put the boot in. It's especially effective because it also furthers the belief that all women on MN are screaming harpies &c &c.

Also busybarbara and onemansoapopera are the same person

Anyway..... back to the point, cawfee I fear you are right but not only can I legally keep DH out of his main place of residence (and anyway I can't handle conflict right now), but the children are expecting him tonight and I really don't have it in me to suddenly tell them that that's not going to happen. They love their father very much, and I don't want them ever to feel torn between us. We need to be united in working in their best interests.

You know, I reckon if I could afford to run two houses, I would. But it's out of the question. I simply can't. Rents in our city are comparable to London, and as a freelancer I can't get a mortgage that's enough to buy even a one-bedroom flat anywhere in the country (have looked into it in the past). I think I need to go to the CAB equivalent to find out where I really would stand according to the law, rather than just guessing, and take it from there.

It makes me really sad considering that all I really want is a fairly clean and tidy house and a bit of a feeling of control over my life. But I can either try to do all myself like a servant (impossible, and anyway an extremely poor example for the children, quite possibly setting them up for similar relationship problems in the future thanks to unrealistic expectations, or live a level or two above squalor. (Allow me a moment to feel sorry for myself!)

Sorry missed your update.

Don't let him back in. Absolutely not. He can come and see the children and pick them up etc and then go back to his parents. Effectively he has 'left' as he is now living with them. You will be able to stay where you are, and change the locks and keep him at his parents if you want a resolution to this finally.

He can live there permanently. You can stay in the family home that you are paying for and you can file for divorce.

Look he can SEE the children, spend time with them and have a wonderful time but he can't come back and stay. This is not unreasonable.

Keep him staying at his parents op. Just letting him back in because you haven't got much energy is merely setting yourself up for more problems and a proper nervous breakdown (one you won't easily recover from)

Thanks so much snowy. Sometimes it's really nice just to have a few words of support. Hopefully my family will stay right where they are and not come over to "help" me . I have been really touched by my two school mum friends who've been really supportive, spending time listening, and checking in with me via text. It helps me to see that (while I'm not perfect, far from it) my expectations are not unreasonable.