Think I'm having a breakdown

[daybydaybdbdbd]

DH and I have 2 DCs aged 8 and 6.

DH hasn't worked in years and says he can't find a job. To be fair, he trained in a sector that more or less collapsed in the financial crisis. But the financial crisis was a decade ago. He seems to do little during the day. The house is always a mess and it's far more than I can keep up with on top of quite a demanding job.

I can no longer cope and have given him his marching orders after what I think was some sort of a breakdown at the dinner table last night. DC aged 6 was being difficult and just sort of got up and started screaming, I don't even know what I was saying, just going on about how I couldn't cope and I was sick of it and I don't even know what. It was like I was listening to myself saying things and not doing it myself if you see what I mean?

DC aged 8 was in tears because, well, it was an ugly scene. (I've talked to both children since and apologised and reassured them, obviously I still feel like shit though.)

DH is trying to get some things in order today to go and stay somewhere else for a bit to give me some space. I'm from abroad and don't have any family here so it's not so easy for me to go elsewhere. We only have my income so renting somewhere else is out of the question.

Over the summer DH told me that he doesn't love me any more but wants to stay together for the sake of the children. I emphatically don't want to stay together for the sake of the children. What good does it do for them to live with two unhappy parents? But DH has no income and I don't make enough to run two households. Who on earth does?

Obviously I've missed out a mountain of back story but that's where I am today. I feel terrible. About everything. I don't even know where to start. I'm trying to get through some work to meet a deadline that's coming up this week. What should I do? Who should I speak to? Please be kind, I don't know what to do.

I can’t see how this is the same as SAHP because this is NOT with the consent of the earning adult. He’s unemployed not a SAHP with mutual agreement.

Anyway that part clarified.

Of course he sees this as much easier if you leave and have to go do all the work on a new house elsewhere if I am honest with you, I would probably consider ending the tenancy, getting a new place in your own name and leaving him with all the bills to pay and house to run as he wishes. He likely won’t be able to keep the tenancy anyway on benefits and I can’t see a court forcing you to pay for 2 houses when he has no disabilities or legit reasons for not getting a job and doesn’t care for the DC. But legal advice you need ASAP.

At least then you would be rid of him but I actually think putting things into motion would really highlight to him 1. How serious you are 2. That his ideas are bonkers and he can’t afford to stay in the house and he needs to leave. Right now it’s all a fantasy

You clearly feel better without him there and don’t want him back you just feel guilty and obliged to allow him home. It isn’t what you actually want.

If he wants to be unemployed and do nothing to help then unfortunately for him that doesn’t fit in with your marriage, your needs or your children and it’s a dealbreaker isn’t it?

Yeh....we're not the same person 😂 listen, I believe in fairness and integrity, for both men and women. On MN, that's seriously frowned on by some people. Just because its MN , doesn't mean we can't be supportive of men too. They have feelings and motivations just like us. They're not a foreign species.

I haven't made any comment really other than to say that you're clearly someone who can assert themselves when needed. That's been taken as an insult which is MN at it's best 😂 you've found your breaking point you're now at your strongest. If you want to take something negative from that, well you can just fuck off yourself tbh 😁

Can you see a solicitor OP? Or whatever the local equivalent is in terms of who would represent you in a divorce? People will split in similar circumstances to you, it does happen, and they should be able to give you an idea of what your options are.

He's not showing you any respect at all, is he?

I think you're mad to let him back in the house to undo everything you've done in the last week. Can you arrange for a caravan to go into the garden or a summerhouse he can be a slob by himself in??

You don't sound ready to throw him out op (keep at his parents) and until you are then this situation will go on indefinitely and your mental health will really suffer.

You can end this now and move on to someone that loves and respects you in time. Find the energy make the changes it is not good for you or your children.

Can you arrange for a caravan to go into the garden

What an excellent idea! If he must legally sponge off you, you don't have to make his life comfortable.

Can you arrange for a caravan to go into the garden

Would love to but unfortunately it's impossible, we live in a really built-up area and have a flat, no garden. Think Shoreditch in London if you're familiar with it (only not quite as trendy). We do have a balcony but I don't see him agreeing to sleep out there, plus it gets quite nippy in January/February .

With our assured tenancy we'd be absolutely crazy to give it up, unless we never ever planned to return to this city. DH wouldn't be able to get rent assistance on his own though (even if we divorced), because of the alimony laws in this country. That said, I'm 100% in agreement with those who say I need to get proper, up-to-date advice on the current situation so I know exactly where I stand.

Get legal advice, and get medical help.

He should be involved in the Children's lives, but you don't have to sort this for him or allow him into your home. The flat should remain the children's home (as it is secure), and if you are their primary carer then obviously you too.
It doesn't sound as if he has a case to argue he is their primary carer. But this is why you need Good legal advice.
There are plenty of Dads who have even overnight access to their DC in shared accommodation, as that is all they can afford. Of course he can't even afford that probably unless he works.

Do his parents see his behaviour as unreasonable? Do you think they gave him a good reality check when he went there?
I would lay some ground rules down if he comes back, namely housework gets done and he pulls his weight. Do allow him to go back to his old ways, make it clear from the start that is non negotiable.

Good luck.

And get the gosh darn doctor appointment for you booked today. You're all screwed if you become too mentally ill to work.

I think it is quite telling that he’s obviously aware he is able to essentially trap you in a no win situation without considering hiw this is impacting on you. Thats just not ok no matter your gender is it? No one would say to a working dad who was struggling with his employed wife in a reverse that the expectations he has put on you are unreasonable - whilst meeting NONE of your expectations.

Essentially something has to change. And if it isn’t him then it has to be you, and I see you get this from saying you can’t just rely on him to change stuff it has to come from you

Alongside getting legal advice, when he returns today you use this time to put into place your new expectations. Want to live here while I pay? Well you have to do AB&C. Make a fucking rota if you have to, until you have a clearer idea about your legal options do not just fall straight back into the same routines

@daybydaybdbdb, I was in a similar situation. You have run out, haven't you? You are spent, you have nothing left to give. But you have been the only responsible adult for so long you don't know how to change it.

You feel responsible for your partner. But you can't "carry" him, it's just that you have done just that for so long that neither of you can imagine you not doing it.

Get some counselling. It doesn't have to be an expensive psychologist, just a trained adult who listens and can give feedback.

Try to look at your beliefs. Do they still serve you? Or are you breaking yourself trying to live up to those beliefs? I think you probably believe that you need to shoulder all burdens and never say no?

I don't suppose either of you have any sort of life insurance contract that could be prematurely terminated so as to get a payout now?

Unfortunately not @ravenmum. I think they can't be ended for at least another two years, and anyway I want to leave mine intact in case something happens to me.

My pension fund failed in the financial crisis so that's out too. I would have had to have given half of it to him anyway I expect

I appreciate the ideas and suggestions. I'm trying to get some work done just now so haven't much time, but I've made an appointment with the GP.

I was thinking more of his :)

Well done on the appointment.

Well, we've just had another big fight (v short though) culminating in me hitting myself in the face before storming out. I can't find an appropriate emoticon for that one.

DH says via text (in response to my texts) that he's going to his parents. Thank God. The fight was about the state of the house and me not being able to cope. Nothing new, he knows it all. He was getting sorted to paint a wall (that has needed doing for ages but why he wants to do it on a sunny Sunday afternoon when he's been home all week, and I get headaches from the smell of paint, I have no bloody idea).

I'm just so confused. I tried so bloody hard to hold it all together. In our text exchange I said (not very maturely) "You hate me" to which he replied "No. But something seems not to work well between us, meaning that we both often don't feel very happy."

Seems not to work well between us??? Because I won't just be happy in a cluttered messy house as sole breadwinner with a grumpy lazy spouse?

I'm really just so confused.

Went to doctor on Wednesday, she was lovely and I have a psychologist appointment for this coming week. Also went to see DD's psychologists (she has mild SN) who had asked to see me, broke down in front of them and they were very kind and understanding. They will be seeing DH on his own next week.

I'm just so worried about the children. What can I do or say to reassure them that I'm just having a hard time at the moment, that their father and I both love them very much, that this is not because of anything they've done?

And I've got a sore fucking neck from hitting myself in the fucking face. Unbelievable.

He's a dick. Don't let him back. Let his parents take care of him and they can fund him too.

Take care of the kids, of your mental health, and your business.

You can tidy up later.

Stay as calm as you're able when you communicate with him. Text, don't call. It gives you time to review your responses.

If poss have him look after the kids when you're not there and you look after the kids when he's not there. Keep him away from the flat as much as poss.

Maybe deliver kids to in-laws house for alternate weekends: gives you some space and makes what he does with them (and how he funds that) his problem not yours. Act like you're divorced. Separate from him mentally now.

All this will pass and a new lovely life will unfold for you when the dust settles.

Xx

If he's going to his parents he needs to stay there indefinitely. He's not your responsibility. He needs to take responsibility for himself. You need to focus on moving on and starting a new life that's stable for the children. As you say, they need to know you are ok and you can be once you get the worry of having this man around taken away.

It's crazy that he hasn't worked in 10 years. There are all kinds of ways he can help himself.

I'm glad you're getting help. This is the start of a new phase of your life and you'll look back and see this was a turning point.

You poor love, you have a huge amount on your shoulders which you clearly have been carrying for some time. Something has to give in the end and he needs to realise that you are understandably a very wobbly wheel. He needs to start taking care of himself and give you a break, get a job! There will be no choice in the matter soon - if you lose your health he

Sorry posted too soon
Will have to step in and step up!

All these kind words are really lovely, thank you.

I am far from perfect but I do feel like I try to take responsibility for my own life and tackle my own problems; I really don’t feel that DH does. And I just can’t carry him any more.

I’m absolutely gutted because I tried so, so hard. But I just can’t do it all on my own. This past week has been hell, I’ve been exhausted and spent most of the time in bed.

He’s currently painting the wall before he goes This could have been done at any time in the past week (or past couple of years really) but no, it has to be done Right Now.

I’m just so confused.

If this was reversed. Thought provoking.

Excuse me, this is my actual life not a “thought provoking” point to ponder

What can I do or say to reassure them that I'm just having a hard time at the moment, that their father and I both love them very much, that this is not because of anything they've done?
That sounds pretty good to say.

I should think he's painting the walls of the room to take his mind off the elephant in the middle of it. He's probably as messed up as you? People act really weird in this sort of situation.

@Purpleisthenewblue1 You mean if it was a woman saying "my ideal lifestyle would be living on benefits and pursuing my own projects"? You think MN would say that was OK?