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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So jealous of his ex wife

58 replies

LennyTheHamster · 17/09/2018 20:47

I’ve been with DP a year. I’m also divorced. He has three DC, I’ve one. This is mental. Totally irrational and yet it’s annihilating me

He doesn’t make me jealous. He speaks about her in a neutral way, and very rarely. They have an amicable relationship

This is MY problem

I have no right to be jealous 🙁

They were together twenty years. She cheated and left. She’s ten years older than me. I’m in my twenties - and clearly need to grow the fuck up

I’m his first relationship since they broke up five years ago. She’s very happy with her partner of such years

I’m so jealous she carried his children when I never will. That he proposed to her. That they had everything

He has experienced everything with her first. He would have forgiven her for cheating

Their marriage and split up is none of my business. I’ve had to block her on FB to stop looking. She’s really pretty. I don’t want to go to restaurants they visited, holiday destinations they went to

I think of them planning their future, planning and conceiving their children. How happy he must have been. How we’ll never have that

He’s oblivious to this. I’m so fucking insecure

He adores me. I’ve no doubts of his love. Please tell me this gets easier and someday I’ll stop considering her as superwoman

I know I sound pathetic

OP posts:
earlybyrd · 17/09/2018 20:52

Counselling might help you with this, sorry you are feeling like this jealousy is an awful emotion.

Original poster
LennyTheHamster · 17/09/2018 20:54

It is horrible 🙁 it's destroying me. I feel sick, I've lost weight and I'm just miserable

I know it's got fuck all to do with me. I just need to accept the present and look forward to the future

I'm usually so confident and breezy, I've never been like this in my life

I was married myself, so I just don't understand 🙁

OP posts:
ScattyPenny · 17/09/2018 21:00

It sounds like you've let a niggle spiral out of control to almost an obsession.

We all have firsts...first loves, first kisses etc. It doesn't make them more important or significant than what we have in the present.

I think it will fade..eventually. How long have you been together?

Jealousy is horrible. It eats away at you. I know from experience.

We all have a past. He's moved on by the sound of things and you will too given time. He will remember the bad things about her, not just the good things. She will not have been perfect.

Don't let his past ruin your future together.

Original poster
LennyTheHamster · 17/09/2018 21:09

We've been together a year. I'm getting worse as time goes by

I swear I walk past pregnancy tests in Tesco and make connections with her

I can barely admit this in real life

Would counselling help me? I am so desperate and insecure

OP posts:
user1492863869 · 17/09/2018 21:14

you mention babies and marriage quite a bit. Is that what you want from this relationship or any relationship?

Livedandlearned2 · 17/09/2018 21:19

This isn't good, but only you can get past it. I don't have the answer but can relate totally, it's horrible. I still feel the same now every so often, but it's lessened loads over the years as we've made our own memories together.

Original poster
LennyTheHamster · 17/09/2018 21:19

I'd like to get married someday

I don't even want anymore children but it's the fact he doesn't want any with me Sad

100% petty. It's like she was the chosen one. The good enough one

OP posts:
AsleepAllDay · 17/09/2018 21:29

If she was the chosen and good enough one they wouldn't have split over infidelity. She can't have been happy to have cheated and he obviously wasn't going to stay with a cheater. Good you blocked him because it can't have been perfect at all

Original poster
LennyTheHamster · 17/09/2018 21:32

He would have forgiven her

They would still be together if she hadn't left

He told me this

However, he did make the moves with me. He chose to pursue me - I take comfort from this, that he was/is "over her"

I just feel so inferior. In tears just thinking about it

OP posts:
lowtide · 17/09/2018 21:41

I don’t think this is the relationship for you. End of really. It’s not mature and it’s not healthy.
People have pasts, he might not have wanted for his marriage to end, but it did. Do you think that he should never have the chance at happiness again because he was once in love with someone.
Really grow up, get some therapy, and if you can’t deal with you’re issues then stay single or just date people with no past

Original poster
LennyTheHamster · 17/09/2018 21:44

Lowtide this isn't about him Sad

He is happy with me

This is about MY feelings. I would do anything for that man, I wish she hadn't hurt him. I wish he hadn't endured what he did

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 17/09/2018 21:46

I aIso think you're not mature enough to handle this relationship, nor are you mentally well enough,

If you can seek some therapy and try to recover, then this would be good, but your relationship can't and won't survive your behaviour. I'm sorry. You're on the green mile.

ScattyPenny · 17/09/2018 21:49

Lowtide - that's unfair.

Lenny - maybe some therapy would help just to get some perspective.

Personally, I think it will pass the longer you are together.

The fact that you feel this intensely about it shows how much you value him and the relationship. However, you need to address the issues that are preventing you from being happy.

He may have forgiven her....for the sake of the children and maintaining the life that they had built together rather than thinking she was the be all and end all.

She left, he moved on. We've all had our hearts broken but have grown and loved again. Often more deeply than before.

ScattyPenny · 17/09/2018 21:50

Bluntess - also unfair. We all experience jealousy and irrational emotions.

Stop beating her when she's already down!

Courtney555 · 17/09/2018 21:51

She was also his "first" cheat, unless you know otherwise. Which is nothing to hold her on a pedestal for.

And its unlikely he doesn't think you're worthy to have his children, far more likely that he's got three already, looking at the fact he's gained your DC as number four, and doesn't want a fifth.

They would still be together if she hadn't left

A lot of people do stay for the children you know. Not saying this was definitely the case, but rather than have the messiness of divorce, sorting out child contact, the splitting of everything that has been invested over twenty years, it can often look like a better option to take the path of least resistance and stay.

It's five years on, and I would say he's not over the relationship. This doesn't have to mean he's not over her, but he's still upset about being left. 5 years is quite a while to still harbour those feelings enough to make a point of telling your new partner.

Thisimmortalcurl · 17/09/2018 21:53

What do you think he would do if she asked him to go back to her?
If you can confidently think to yourself that he would stay with you and you are happy with all the new experiences you will have together then cherish that and try to move in from these feelings .
If though deep down you think he would go back then I would finish it as you will always feel second best.

Bluntness100 · 17/09/2018 21:54

We all experience jealousy and irrational emotions

Not to this level we don't. She's losing weight. She's constantly miserable. There is only so long you can hide that before it impacts and ends it.

Pretending otherwise doesn't do her any favours.

Original poster
LennyTheHamster · 17/09/2018 21:56

I don't think I'm mentally ill or anything

Ah. I need to go to bed

Thanks for everyone who has contributed, just a bit upset now

OP posts:
SheWoreBlueVelvet · 17/09/2018 21:57

I think you sound young and idealistic more than jealous.
After all you are both actually relatively young so more children, fantastic careers, shared interests are totally possible.
They married young. Obviously too young for her.
If he's forty you could easily beat" their time together and have a fantastic life. Not sure why you aren't more optimistic? Do you think it's because the relationship with your child's father broke down? I would suggest this isn't the one for you because it clearly doesn't make you happy.

lowtide · 17/09/2018 21:57

@LennyTheHamster
I know it’s not about him!
And you’re clearly to immature to even see that in my post.
Get some therapy ASAP. But it will only help you if you want it to
But this relationship is not going to work out. Perhaps in the future you might be ready for one.
And age doesn’t always have anything to do with maturely.

lowtide · 17/09/2018 21:57

Maturity

Original poster
LennyTheHamster · 17/09/2018 21:58

Lowtide do you mean to be so cruel? Really?

OP posts:
lowtide · 17/09/2018 22:00

It’s funny actually because I said he deserved happiness even though his relationship failed against his wishes and all you concentrated on was how unfair I was to you and you didn’t once mention how you agreed he deserved happiness

Haireverywhere · 17/09/2018 22:00

Sorry to hear that you are struggling OP. I think counselling about how you feel inferior would be good. The reality is that if they were each other's first loves etc as you say there was a lot of special events they shared but none of that makes you 'less'.

From what you say he's moved on; it might have been because he had to, rather than wanted to in the beginning when she left, but he has.

I think this might not be the relationship you're hoping for but not because of his past.

lowtide · 17/09/2018 22:01

I’m being tough and harsh, but you should be grown up enough to see that. And not whinge about being cruel. It’s what a child would do.

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