So jealous of his ex wife

[LennyTheHamster]

I’ve been with DP a year. I’m also divorced. He has three DC, I’ve one. This is mental. Totally irrational and yet it’s annihilating me

He doesn’t make me jealous. He speaks about her in a neutral way, and very rarely. They have an amicable relationship

This is MY problem

I have no right to be jealous 🙁

They were together twenty years. She cheated and left. She’s ten years older than me. I’m in my twenties - and clearly need to grow the fuck up

I’m his first relationship since they broke up five years ago. She’s very happy with her partner of such years

I’m so jealous she carried his children when I never will. That he proposed to her. That they had everything

He has experienced everything with her first. He would have forgiven her for cheating

Their marriage and split up is none of my business. I’ve had to block her on FB to stop looking. She’s really pretty. I don’t want to go to restaurants they visited, holiday destinations they went to

I think of them planning their future, planning and conceiving their children. How happy he must have been. How we’ll never have that

He’s oblivious to this. I’m so fucking insecure

He adores me. I’ve no doubts of his love. Please tell me this gets easier and someday I’ll stop considering her as superwoman

I know I sound pathetic

There was a story on the BBC about this a while ago.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-44850438

You should try and talk to someone who can help - it's a real and recognised issue but other have gotten through it and so can you.

Lowtide you really are lacking in empathy. Emotions have little to do with maturity and, if they did, you could do with growing up yourself.

Anyway. As I said. Get therapy. And that wasn’t meant in a negative way. I wish you luck

Imagine if a man came on here. My new girlfriend had an ex husband. I can’t stand him. I’m so jealous. I can’t bear her past. I can’t bear she had kids with someone else. I can’t go to a restaurant they went to. And the husband left my girlfriend and I’m convinced she didn’t want it to end. Etc etc

Every fucker on this site would be telling him he was a controlling fucking areshole who shouldn’t be with someone if he can’t accept their past
Hope that helps explain my point of view.

OP - in the kindest way, i dont think you are ready for this relationship. I fear if you carry on, you will sabotage this relationship, and then convince yourself that YOU were not good enough, but the reality would be that you were, you just didnt choose to see it.

I would take a break and see a counsellor.

Good luck.

Op, what do you want from this thread? Why have you posted.

You will get thr posters who give you tea and sympathy, say there there's it's all normal, then they fuck off to another thread not giving a shit past their few platitudes given.

Or you will get other posters who are honest, and say, no this obsessional behaviour, where you feel sick, are losing weight, are constantly miserable, is not healthy, it's not normal, that you likely need help to get you over this and if unresolved, then yes it will end your relationship because it will become apparant to him.

And for your own sake. You can't live like this. It's damaging you, but you've a child to think of. Do you really think that neither your partner or your child can tell something is wrong? They can't tell you're miserable?

Lenny, I wonder if it would help you to hear my perspective, as the first wife?

Because I'm jealous of xh's second wife. Not quite as you describe, but jealous certainly.

I think that he married me because it was the normal progression, after dating and living together. And then we had long years to take each other for granted, grow apart, change in our own separate ways.

Whereas he chose her, really properly chose her, because they complement each other, because they're so alike and have shared interests. I was the practice wife but now he's got it right. They might not have dc together but they have swathes of child-free time to be a couple and concentrate on each other.

Lenny, he might have been devastated when his marriage ended but end it did, because his wife wasn't who he thought she was. I am certain he didn't settle for you or rush into anything for fear of it happening again. He's with you because he loves you, not because you've got years of shared memories, or kids, or families tied together, but because he loves you. I know it's easier said than done but you do need to move past this, with counselling if necessary, or you'll poison what you have.

Lowtide, I've just re-read OP's original post and I can kind of see where your coming from.

I think if OP had expressed any of this to her partner then yes, it would be seen as obsessive, jealous and controlling.

But, she hasn't expressed it, it's all in her head, her turmoil.

Emotions are complicated. It's hard to be rational when your caught up in it all.

I’m pretty sure if a man came on here and said he only thought it, he would still get that response
These are obviously deep rooted issues that will only be helped with serious introspection and taking responsibilities for all of our thoughts and actions

Do you think it might be Limerence?

Sounds like youve got him on a high pedestal. I dont think youre going to get what you need from him. I think its too much of a past. You sound really young. He sounds like hes done with children and you want to have a child so he loves you the most. Do you honestly think this obsession for both him and his ex is going to just go?
Theres loads of guys out there with less baggage. Youre not a bad person.

Him not wanting more children is unlikely to be because "she was the chosen one" and youre not. Its because his children are special and he doesnt want more disruption for them. Also hes GOT three. Another mouth to feed and with your child too. Hes being really sensible

I went through this about a year in to my relationship with DH, and for me it was a bit of an uncomfortable phase but it passed.

My list of woes included-
He would still be with him if she hadn’t asked him to leave (she went off-side)
She had his ‘best years’ (he was late forties when we met]
All of his firsts were with her
They have two children together (we have none - by choice]
She left him in debt, which we worked hard to repay

We didn’t go to some local places because they had been there (his decision) and a lovely country hotel near where we live was out of bounds as they had married there.

Fast forward to now and it doesn’t even occupy my mind. We’ve been married five years and are disgustingly happy together. I read your post and thought ‘that’s bizzare’ and then realised that I had been through something similar. We even spent an anniversary weekend at the country hotel in July!

I rationalised it as my being angry that I had met my DH later and that we would have less time and less experiences together. Take a look around at how happy you make him and how unhappy she made him in the end.

For what it’s worth, it will pass and as time goes by she will be further away from your thoughts than she is now. Ride the storm OP, it will pass.

My DP and I have both been married twice. I don't suffer from the intensity of feelings you do but I do get the occasional twinge about his second wife. It's illogical as he effectively left her for me (I wasn't an OW - DP had always been attracted to me though I had no idea and when I left my second husband DP acted on his unhappiness and left his then wife in the hope of a relationship with me).

The way I look at it is it's not being the first that matters, it's being the last. I know this can't apply to kids if he doesn't want them but with everything else it can. Nobody else is going to do those special, or even mundane things, with him. We will probably get married one day and I'll be his last wife and he my last husband. We're both far better people for each other than we were for anyone else.

Perhaps you can see it as while yes, they had firsts together, you two have firsts as well. Two new people, all new firsts. Their firsts are one street. The firsts you had with your partner are another street. These two streets do not intersect.

It sounds like you need to chip away at each of the things on your mind to figure it all out and clear it out/come to terms. I think there are a lot of thoughts you have, so isolate each one and think about it/analyze it. Sort through it.

All in all, your partner chose you. Don't worry what was said in regards to his ex. That's old news. If he's neutral about her, this is a good thing. He chose to pursue you, so you're his special someone now. Soak yourself up in that and smile. :) And make a list of the things you like about yourself and maybe ask your partner what he likes/loves about you. Don't say what this is relation to, just note what he says.

You're also a prize, you just need to figure it all out. Good luck.

I dont think he's happy with you. I think your his ego boost that he is still desirable. Sorry for being so blunt.

You sound obsessive and unhinged op.

I do hope you can put your DC first and not your dp because your obsessional delusional and irrational thoughts about his ex could be negatively impacting on the time you are thinking about or spending with your child.

Your child needs you. And needs you to be emotionally well.

It's odd how unhappy you feel. Maybe you aren't ready for a relationship with so much baggage.
Be good to yourself. If you aren't happy move on. As hard as that might be short term.

Going to buck the trend here but I felt exactly the same about my DHs ex for years. They were engaged and had a baby together before she left him. Jealousy totally ate me up for a few years (most of which I kept to myself because I knew it sounded crazy) and I felt similar to the way you are now. I didn’t have counselling and I just ended up accepting her bit by bit until I feel literally 0 jealousy towards her now. I met her a few times and stopped seeing her as this perfect woman on a pedastol and saw her just as a woman he was with and isn’t anymore. It won’t last forever OP, if he’s worth it, stick with it

This isn't a healthy attitude op. This relationship is not going to work if you don't change your thinking.

Sorry I’m late to the party on this thread but when I read it honestly I could have written it myself. I married a man who had been married to another woman for 15 years and they had one child together. NO ONE has the right to tell you not to feel how you do until they have been in that boat. To be second, to feel second, to never quite feel like a proper wife because of the shadow cast by HER. It’s been almost seven years.. and I STILL log in to Facebook and his family have rehashed old photos of her time hop etc. They all have pix of their wedding engagement etc. It’s hard. Very hard. And the man has a lot to prove and be worth it for putting all of that SH/T at our door coming in second and trying to love a man when his house, paychecks and attention goes firstly to another family! I wish you all the best x

I totally get how you are feeling a little bit, it’s natural to feel a bit insecure when someone has had a long and happy relationship that they never wanted to leave. You wonder how you can possibly live up to that and in your mind, if he doesn’t want children with you, you can never achieve that bond.

My DH also split from his wife of 20 years when she cheated on him. He didn’t want to split up and he was happy being married to her. So they would still be together but for her actions. A little irrational part of me is irritated by that fact.

BUT, and here is where the very big but comes... it’s totally irrational and in your case has spiraled out of all control and is heading towards insanity. It was a failed relationship that didn’t work, it doesn’t matter how your DH saw it, he was wrong and they love they shared is now dead and gone. His new relationship is with you. Comparison is the thief of joy. Let’s be honest, while children to bind a couple (not that much though as neither of you would be divorced) they are also incredibly hard work and the source of a lot of strain. You are free to have with him the kind of relationship that the ex wife never could. I very much like the pp’s insight from the ex w’s POV.

It is worth seeking a counselor to talk through your issues. Your insecurity could snowball and manifest itself in ways that do indeed end up ruining your relationship. You state yourself you know it’s totally illogical to be the way you are but can’t help it... please get help.

OP look up retrospective jealousy. It sounds like that's what this is and it might help 🙂

Or retroactive jealousy. Both lead to pretty much the same web pages.

I can get how you feel a bit - I felt similar about my ex boyfriend. He was with his wife for many years and she was with him during his young years. She grew up wtih him. I always felt a pang about that. Wished I'd been around for those years.

But I got over it! I agree it's too much if you are obsessing, losing weight. I would also suggest counselling OP.