How to make a relationship stand the test of time

[whatmakesitwork]

I’ve nc for this, not really sure why. I think I feel a little embarrassed.

I’m curious to know, for those who have managed to stay together, happily I might add, how do you do it?

Me and dp recently split, we are trying to work through things. I think I really love him still, and he feel the same.

I don’t know if maybe I expect to much from a relationship. We have young dc and of course this put our relationship on the back burner.

I realise it will never go back to how it was before dc nor do I want to do. They are very much loved and wanted.

I just mean, how to do go through the highs and lows. I’m a really affectionate loving person, some may say needy. I don’t feel needy, I just love kissing/cuddling.

I mean everyday things, he’s extremely lazy, he would quite happily live in a pig sty, maybe that’s a bit extreme but I’m quite a tidy person. I don’t think it’s excessive, I really don’t. For the most part I can deal with his laziness but then I feel resentment. How do you compromise?

I’ve explained so many times that his helping out with the dc/being an adult, really helps me but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

I don’t don’t want to not keep trying for something that seems so minor but it adds up.

I’m not perfect, I do try to work on my flaws. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much from him.

Tell me, is there a magic formula?

Excuse the typos, hope you get the jist.

I’m only 10 yrs in but I’ve some very strong relationship role models in my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. All still (at least pretending to be) happily married. I think it’s about mutual compromise and respect. Mutual compromise is that you BOTH shift your position in the direction of the other. Many relationships seem to be full compromise on the various issues that crop up ie. one side gives in to the other. Then respect means that you NEVER cross that line with your words or actions.

There’s no magic formula, it just comes down to respect - if he doesn’t respect you enough to at least TRY and pick up after himself you’re flogging a dead horse.

You could try counselling but tbh I’ve found they don’t say anything we haven’t already said ourselves 100 times.

The one thing that seemed to get through to my DP was me finishing things, deciding I deserved better and starting to search for somebody new. We met up and started chatting and he realised what he’d been missing and knew he had to step up and do better if he wanted me in his life.

We have a very affectionate bond and every day we try to do something nice for each other - foot rubs, back massages, sending cute messages, always saying I love you, bringing something home that the other will like etc. It’s mainly small things but it makes us both feel valued.

But it does take two. You can’t do the work for both of you.

I sent my DP a link to an article on a website called Must Be This Tall To Ride which was titled something like “she divorced me because I left dishes by the sink”. It’s about a guy whose eyes were finally opened (too late) to why his wife lost respect for him when he didn’t pick up after himself. Have a google for it.

Good luck.

Thank you, I’ll have a google! Maybe sent it to him 🙈

It’s hard because I believe I do truly love him. He is just so lazy. He is one of 4 brothers and his parents often say, he is the most lazy, bone idle of them all, but he’s always been the most loving and kind hearted. That’s how I feel about him!

He head and heart are torn. How do you actually compromise though? Do I sit and talk about it?

I just don’t want to look back on my life in 20 years and still be asking. I want us to be a team! I want us to grow old together and know we made it, I realise this sounds rather clique. I just want us to be a strong team, I just don’t know how to get there, iyswim

Personally I feel there is a huge dollop of luck involved. We all change as we get older. You might move apart. You may find you have unexpectedly different parenting styles, aims in life etc. Things that didnt matter at 25 might be game changing at 40.

I know people married 25+ years who wonder what ‘all these ups and downs people talk about’ actually are.

Or Others who basically spend 70% of their married life trying to make it work.

Or to put it another way, if you constantly have to work on a relationship you are not actually compatible .

Married 27 years. Agree with PP about respect. I would add in kindness. Caring about whether the other person is happy or sad, full of beans or tired.

We have 3 DCs, all now adults but still not yet flown the nest. Even when DCs were small I don't think we ever put our relationship on the back burner. I think this helped us to be a team.

After quite a few relationships, I met DH. He is really the only man who has ever 'got me' or allowed me to be who I really am. We share the load. I don't have to nag him. He put the hoover and the duster around earlier and mowed the lawn. I put a load of washing on and he hung it up.

Not sure I could be bothered to be with a bloke who didn't do these things now. I'd rather be on my own.

DH is unfailingly kind. That is really important as you get older. I know he would take care of me if I needed him to.

I think our relationship going on the back burner just happened. Our family are great but no one offers to look after dc whilst we go for a meal etc... which is fine, I don’t expect them too.

Maybe we need to make time on an evening, it’s just sometimes I’m so exhausted from work/prepping meals/housework etc... when evening comes i just want to chill.

I don’t want to constantly have to fight for the relationship, it’s really hard and upsetting as I feel now is the time I/we need to make a decision.

I can’t bear letting him go as I love him with all my heart but maybe that’s not enough. I want the dc to grow up with parents who are together and are in love, something I never had.

See that sounds wonderful!

I wrote recently under another name asking for advice. Someone responded, very kindly and they meant well, I could totally see their point. But they said to just ask nicely for help and give praise (something along those lines) but I was thinking, well I don’t want to ask for the rest of my life and give praise. I don’t get praised for the washing/cooking/cleaning etc... it’s just part of being a parent/adult.

I’m so conflicted

Honestly. You're not going to like hearing this but OH and I recently agreed that after 17 years together so far, whenever the end comes it will be too soon. I think it works for us because we're a match on the things that matter to us (work ethic, money, religion, children, behaving respectfully to each other, sense of humour). We can make fun out of most experiences and these this keep us happy. He's carried me through done dark days when I wasn't able to live up to this, and I've helped him through some tragedies when he struggled with our optimum way of being, but it's a if we both knew or hoped the other would return and were willing to wait and help. Relationships should feel good, should build us up, help us to be who we want to be. We aren't perfect and many other people would not want what we have. There are things missing that we wish we had too, but life is better when you find a good amount of happiness and ease. I hope you find this op.

Interesting. Before we married, the church we wanted to be married in (religion isn't a 'thing' in our marriage, I should add!) wanted us to do a 'Preparation for Marriage' course, a day of just the 2 of us answering tick-box questions, then feedback on our answers; then a week or so later, a weekend with 7-8 other couples, team work, exploring things, games etc. 2 couples dropped out during that!

It was fascinating. They spoke of compatability, 'money' being v important; 'family' both theirs and yours, then 'friends' - do you like theirs/ do they like yours? We did some silly things with cutting stuff out of magazines to make collages of 'what's important/ not so important'. We did fake TV interviews on each other, we, in our groups, placed things in and out of Bennett diagram boxes. We laughed, but suddenly the leaders would say 'Well, his untidiness is funny now- will it be when you're running around after 2 kids?'.... Ah. And so forth.

You endlessly read on here about people- women- endlessly compromising with their partner. It's not sustainable. You need respect from day one. He says he'll meet you there? So he's on time (or messages to say why not!). He keeps his finances secret? Alarm bells. He's lazy and messy? Well, he's always been like that, you just chose to overlook it cos u luuuvs him....

When I read both your posts, it makes me emotional. I just find it hard to believe that we really can be a team.

Is there someone out there that we are both more compatible with? That makes it sound like an arrangement, it’s hard when you love someone though. It’s not that easy.

I don’t want to be saved. I’m capable of providing, loving and taking care of me and the dc myself. But I don’t want to, I want to have that family unit, ride the storm together 🙈

He’s just so lazy!!! I think we need to have a real talk. I need to see if he is actually ready and wants to compromise. That will be the deal breaker. I absolutely know it goes both ways, I’m already working on my own stuff.

I need to know if he’s serious about this working. I don’t want to change him as a person, I don’t think me asking him to chip in is asking him to change.

I just know that if we were to get back together properly and for good. I could probably take a few months of how is used to be and I’d snap. I can’t do that again.

We both need to compromise. If he’s not willing then there’s nothing more I can do.

Quite a few of my friends have been married over 30 years. In every single couple there is one who is very easy going and seems to go with the flow, and the other who seems more in charge of decisions and what happens. They all seem very happy so perhaps that's the secret.

If he was living on his own he would have to do adulting! It's not kind to be lazy, it creates work for your partner and that's not fair. My husband and I have never had our relationship go on a backburner though never have babysitters because we cuddle each day and run each other baths and share chores as well as fun. We are a team. He is my best friend.

That’s really strange your wrong that nicebit. We have always said he is the easy goey flowy one and I’m the more uptight regimented one!

At the beginning of our relationship this seemed to work, now we have dc/real responsibilities, I’m not so sure. I often say hes just too laid back

As sad as my situation is right now, it’s really nice to read posts from people who have a real team effort going. Gives me hope.

I think if he lived alone, he would live on fast food and get his parents to do his washing. I realise how bad that sounds but I genuinely do. It’s not an attractive quality but I’m sure there are many unattractive qualities about me.

You wrote**. Sorry so many typos

If you've not read Wifework by Susan Maushart that's on topic I'd say...it doesn't tell you how to get them to do the housework, but it does explain why its going to be an uphill struggle (its entertaining too).

It is the feeling of having support that is important.

Do you parent him?

If you do, what need is there for him to adult.

Kindness is key. We have had ups and downs, but we always held our hands.

In fact, that was the first thing that made me notice how special he was, he held my hand during an argument. My previous boyfriends had never done that.

Thank you tartypants, I could probably do with some entertainment.

Maybe I do parent him but if I didn’t, not much wound get done. Having support is important to me, I either want to be a team or do it alone.

I just find it hard to believe there are men out there who know what being a team means, who actively chip in. I don’t mean to undermine anyone, I realise how sexist that sounds, it’s just my experience, I appreciate people telling me their experiences. I never know if I’m asking or expecting too much

Me and DP both have failed marriages behind us, so we neither of us want make the same mistakes.
We probably over dissect arguments to figure out what it was all about, and generally we are very kind to each other. We look after each other.

BUT...he's such a slob. Just really messy. The type that takes something out of a cupboard and leaves a the cupboard door open. I walk in and I can retrace his steps by the trail of destruction he leaves.

We do argue about it and it does drive me nuts that Im always the first one to think of looking after the house. But because we're conscious of working to keep each other happy, when I get up and grumble about the shithole, he'll jump up and help. I agree you shouldnt have to go through life telling someone the basics but I dont mind telling him or asking to do jobs as much as I might because he doesnt grumble, he just knows he should do it. I'm not naturally tidy myself so I understand how picking up after yourself is not always instintive to everyone. And I know, he's bot trying to be disrespectful.

So, i think a messy person is not necessarily a disrespectful spouse. It just depends if they really believe you should be the one doing it or they realise they are shit at it. And if they bring more to the relationship in other areas. Eg. DP is an excellent cook and good with money.

Is his messiness the main thing? How does he react?

A lot of the time he will say he will sort it or pretty much what you have said, most of the time he just doesn’t realise.

That’s what I’m arguing with myself about. He is a good person with a good heart. He’s thoughtful in so many ways.

The last blow out which has lead to this, is it got to a point where I was sick of asking, i asked and asked and asked and it fell on deaf ears, I don’t think he realised how low I was feeling. I didn’t tell him which in hindsight I should have.

Things came to a head, I could feel the resentment and anger. I turned really cold and had no respect or time for him. We spilt up but want to try again.

We both need to make changes. He’s just so lazy! Then I remember all the lovely wonderful things he’s done, the laughs we have together, this is why I’m so conflicted

The OP sounds exactly like my life. Or was until I left him a week ago.

I do hope you sort it out though OP, but, in my experience I just couldn’t change him from his lazy, selfish, disrespectful ways.

Sounds like you need to stop hoping he’ll change the habits of a lifetime (so say his parents) and stop thinking that ‘love’ should be enough motivation for him.

Less fairytale, and more list-making.

Whatever it is you want done, set up a process for it. Timelines, consequences, the lot. Give him the ultimatum.

Example:
-every Tuesday at 6pm DH sets an alarm and does a tour of the house, room by room, with a list/chores app open. Note down all the jobs that need/will need doing that week. He pulls the family together to sort out who’ll be doing what, and when it’ll be done by.
-any jobs that require special skills are organised to be done together.

Really detailed processes like that. And don’t skip a week, no matter how sweet, funny, loving the mood is. Or how cross.

Teach him the good habits of teamwork, drill him until they become second nature. Yes, like with kids.

Eventually it should work. Or not, but at least you’ll know.

But you need him to understand and agree and accept that these are your very firm terms for giving the relationship another go. Either he does these exact things, or you won’t put effort in at your end. Do whatever crazy thing it takes to make it clear this is the last chance. Force him to come up with the consequences if he ‘forgets’ or half does a job, or whatever. Make it a big one, like he has to sell his car or give up his hobby. Something that hurts him and not you or the kids.

Then it’ll be clear in 3 months time when he kicks off about not wanting to take the consequences that he was never really serious or capable of change. And you’ll have your answer.

It’s sad that people can’t ‘adult’ all on their own, and that love of a good woman isn’t enough motivation to change, but often it isn’t the reality. If you give him another chance, do it under a very clear contract.