How to make a relationship stand the test of time

[whatmakesitwork]

I’ve nc for this, not really sure why. I think I feel a little embarrassed.

I’m curious to know, for those who have managed to stay together, happily I might add, how do you do it?

Me and dp recently split, we are trying to work through things. I think I really love him still, and he feel the same.

I don’t know if maybe I expect to much from a relationship. We have young dc and of course this put our relationship on the back burner.

I realise it will never go back to how it was before dc nor do I want to do. They are very much loved and wanted.

I just mean, how to do go through the highs and lows. I’m a really affectionate loving person, some may say needy. I don’t feel needy, I just love kissing/cuddling.

I mean everyday things, he’s extremely lazy, he would quite happily live in a pig sty, maybe that’s a bit extreme but I’m quite a tidy person. I don’t think it’s excessive, I really don’t. For the most part I can deal with his laziness but then I feel resentment. How do you compromise?

I’ve explained so many times that his helping out with the dc/being an adult, really helps me but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

I don’t don’t want to not keep trying for something that seems so minor but it adds up.

I’m not perfect, I do try to work on my flaws. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much from him.

Tell me, is there a magic formula?

OP, what are the good/kind/loving things he does that make you think the relationship is worth saving?

It depends what you're prepared to compromise on I suppose, I certainly couldn't stay with an adult who thinks I'm the house servant, I wouldn't let my teenage kids treat me like that either

Communication, communication, communication.

In a previous relationship, if I ever mentioned anything I wasn't happy with or disagreed with, DP just said if you don't like it, you know what you can do.
I lived like this for years, never saying anything just letting it build up inside me, eventually when I told him it wasn't really working; he just said that he was happy and couldn't see the problem.

When I met DH, I was afraid to say anything, after a few months he had had enough of me not saying when I wasn't happy etc. sat me down and gave me a good talking to about how important communication is to a relationship, even when it's really difficult stuff, and how people aren't mind readers, so will have no idea what the other is thinking if they don't say.

20 years on, and it's being able to sit down and talk out the really tough stuff that has us still together.

It's depressing how common man-children are I'm in the same boat OP. Lazy, messy slob. Never noticed how bad he was until be had DC, now it's all I can see all his good qualities are dwarfed by the fact that he's been utterly rubbish since we had children. Ya he'll do things - but only after an earful or if I literally tell him - "put your dish in the dishwasher" "feed DD breakfast" que him shouting inane questions down the hall to me like what should he feed her and how much should he give when I'm in the middle of changing the baby or having a pee in peace for once... OMFG I want to scream at him when he does it! I've had countless discussions with him. Honestly at this point I'm just planning on getting back to work ASAP, building my career and saving as much money so I have the financial independence to leave. Sometimes I get glimpses of the man I fell in like be with and I think maybe it's just that the baby stage is so hard and I'll chill out a bit in a couple of years so I'm going to wait until just before they start school to decide, and if it's still not the relationship I want then hopefully I'll be in a good position to leave. Sounds so cold and calculated written down and saddens me so much that this is the situation I'm in but there you go...

This thread is really interesting OP.
I’m single. I gave up looking for a partner about two years ago, after 4 relationships over the previous 17 years.

The issue is I really don’t like being lied to, that doesn’t seem so very unreasonable. Or maybe it is? How do people in 20 year successful relationships cope with dishonesty? If your partner lies repeatedly, how can you trust him about anything.

Gosh wow, so many responses from people with similar experiences.

It’s hard to say exactly, he just had a good heart, he occasionally does little sweet things.

I just want to be a team! And peakypush are you also me?! Seriously. He asks ridiculous questions like this. I don’t mind him taking the lead, have a look, see what’s in to feed the dc. I dont get to pee in peace either.

I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable not to want to be lied to, the same as I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a partner to help with the housework, prepare tea. If he’s taking care of dc when I’m at work etc... I literally have to have lunch/tea prepared for him to warm up. I wouldn’t even mind throwing something in the oven but then I get calls asking how long it goes in for 🙄 read the instructions!

Hm. If you find it hard to say what his good points are... this doesn't seem as though it's worth staying, surely?