How to make a relationship stand the test of time

[whatmakesitwork]

I’ve nc for this, not really sure why. I think I feel a little embarrassed.

I’m curious to know, for those who have managed to stay together, happily I might add, how do you do it?

Me and dp recently split, we are trying to work through things. I think I really love him still, and he feel the same.

I don’t know if maybe I expect to much from a relationship. We have young dc and of course this put our relationship on the back burner.

I realise it will never go back to how it was before dc nor do I want to do. They are very much loved and wanted.

I just mean, how to do go through the highs and lows. I’m a really affectionate loving person, some may say needy. I don’t feel needy, I just love kissing/cuddling.

I mean everyday things, he’s extremely lazy, he would quite happily live in a pig sty, maybe that’s a bit extreme but I’m quite a tidy person. I don’t think it’s excessive, I really don’t. For the most part I can deal with his laziness but then I feel resentment. How do you compromise?

I’ve explained so many times that his helping out with the dc/being an adult, really helps me but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

I don’t don’t want to not keep trying for something that seems so minor but it adds up.

I’m not perfect, I do try to work on my flaws. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much from him.

Tell me, is there a magic formula?

We've been together almost 21yrs and been through some pretty shit stuff that would test most couples (my mum having cancer twice, eventually passing when I was 21, my dad had cancer but is in remission, DFIL having a major stroke, me losing my DGF who was like a dad to me, DH losing two grandparents within 12months, 6 miscarriages in 5yrs trying for DS, I've been made redundant twice..... you get the picture!!)

We respect each other and we care how the other feels. I don't do anything without thinking "what would DH think about this?" And he does the same.

We have some interests the same, some different - I think the balance is good because it means we do things together but also both get to have "me time".

We have no secrets - he is my best friend and I tell him everything, even after nights out with the girls or nights out with the boys we give each other "the crack" over a cuppa the next morning

We share everything - household chores, childcare etc etc, it's an equal partnership.

We have separate bedrooms - every couple should do this!! We both get a good nights sleep and we both have our "own spaces".

We have separate bank accounts - household costs, holidays, school trips etc are shared equally and we save jointly but what's left is our own to do with as we please. I don't question what he spends his money on and he doesn't question me. In 21yrs I can't remember us ever arguing over money.

We have totally different personalities (he's the calm before my storm!) but we share the same ethics and values.

I can tell him to fuck off if he's being a dick and he won't get mortally offended (and vice versa!)

We laugh, A LOT!! We're always taking the piss out of each other, playing practical jokes on each other and stuff

I wrote recently under another name asking for advice. Someone responded, very kindly and they meant well, I could totally see their point. But they said to just ask nicely for help and give praise (something along those lines) but I was thinking, well I don’t want to ask for the rest of my life and give praise. I don’t get praised for the washing/cooking/cleaning etc... it’s just part of being a parent/adult.

It's like training a toddler. Praise the good bits and they'll react by repeating the good behaviour. Keep doing this till it becomes a habit for them. I have trained my DH to put stuff into the bin (which is immediately on the right as you enter the kitchen) rather than walk past the bin and deposit it on the end of the breakfast bar, by using this method. Think the idea came from someone on here in the first place. Initially I felt a bit daft keep saying thank you for putting (stuff) in the bin every time I spotted he had, and not moaning as normal if he didn't. But it works!

He needs to grow up now he’s a dad. Student days or house shares are the time for slovenly behaviour. Once you have a family you need to step up your game. If he’s serious about making it work with you he does need to make a fundamental shift. It’s not ‘trying to change him’ as such, you need to be a position where you’re not trying to do anything - HE needs to change himself to be worthy of you.

You can try pointing out that you’ll be happier, less exhausted, more likely to want sex etc if he pulls his weight, but really it boils down to whether he wants to make your life easier or harder.

The other evening my DP came in from work at the exact time I got in from Tesco with a load of shopping and stuff for dinner. I went into the kitchen where the kids helped me put things away. He went and put his feet up in the lounge.

When I finally saw him half an hour later and he wondered why I was a bit miffed I pointed out that I’d been making dinner and presumed he was busy with something important, otherwise surely he’d have come in and helped me with dinner? It took a little bit of back and forth, but he did concede in the end that he was being thoughtless. Ordinarily he would come and hang out with me, offer to help with prepping dinner, lay the table or empty the dishwasher while I’m chopping stuff etc. He’s not perfect, he has taken a while to get here and will lapse sometimes, but when it’s spelled out he realises and then Promises to make it up to me - Makes me tea, extra long foot rub etc. When you want the best for your partner, even if you fuck it up sometimes, you fix it. But first you have to acknowledge that you fucked up and you have to want to make it better. Only he can decide if he loves your life together enough to sacrifice his sofa time to make your life better.

And I agree that we shouldn’t have to praise them for doing something we do all the fucking time, but actually when you look at peoples ‘love languages’ some people prefer words of affirmation, telling them how much you appreciate them. Others prefer acts of service etc, so while I don’t need thanks for doing something, I am bowled over with gratitude when someone makes me tea or folds my clothes. If he’s the type who needs assurance that his contribution is valued, get over the fact that he should just be bloody doing it anyway, and start saying how much you appreciate what he’s done.

It’s hard to sound sincere sometimes - I once thanked my DP for doing a good job washing round the sink after he’d shaved, because usually he leaves it covered in hair. . He thought I was being sarcastic and I had to explain that no, I was actually just pleasantly surprised that he’d done a thorough job.

Ever since then he does it really well and I don’t have to keep saying well done and patting him on the head, but I do tell him often that I’m proud of him, that I appreciate him etc and I think that goes a long way to keeping him sweet!

OP, you can't fix this on your own, or take responsibility for finding the full solution. Let him do some of that rowing.

Really sorry to hear some of your experiences but also makes me feel slightly more positive. I guess it shows that couples can go through highs and lows together and come through it. Sorry I don’t know how to reply/highlight people. I genuinely appreciate everyone’s input, it gives different perspectives.

I’m finding it exhausting constantly thanking him. I think I’m quite a considerate caring person but it’s almost like I’m constantly weary of making sure he knows I appreciate it. I don’t get that, nor do I continuously want it, I’d rather us just work together. It feels forced 🙈

Also myrelationship, are you me?!! He always does this when shaving! Seriously, there’s been times when I’ve deep cleaned the bathroom/pulled everything out etc... (this isn’t a regular thing, honest) and the next time I go in, the toilet, sink and floor are covered in hair! It’s like he waits deliberately for me to do it 🙈 (I don’t really think this but seriously what’s up with them)

As a member of the male sex, it disappoints me that:

A. There are so many men who are (seemingly) this useless at adulting.

B. There are so many women that accept this and treat my kind as another child, thus perpetuating the situation.

That is all.

Great to have male perspective! Sorry, as I said previously, I don’t want to undermine or paint all men in the same light, absolutely not.

Both my df and step father are hard workers! They chip in, I see it! I just don’t know if it’s generational/my own experience/mixture of both.

It’s hard to break the cycle of “parenting” him. Before dc it wasn’t so bad. I didn’t mind as I didn’t have children to look after.

Throw a couple of children in the mix and things change. I have adapted, don’t always get it right I’m sure but I’m trying. I just don’t feel or believe he is. I want him to, I don’t want to lose this. I just can’t keep fighting the same battle. Ahhh 😔

That’s the thing, you’ll read it a lot on MN - some people will happily take the piss if they can get away with it at minimal cost, that cost being the occasional rant from their partner, and having to pull their socks up a little for a week or so.

You need a line in the sand, it’s either this much household and emotional responsibility all the time, or it’s over. Or just cut out that part and end things, because you already know he won’t keep up with whatever fair division of labour you come up with.

Or, as essentially suggested by PP, there’s always the option of a wall chart with star stickers, like if you were potty training a toddler.

I'm getting married today.

For me, it's about respect, trust and knowing he's got my back all day, every day. Also having separate interests that we support each other in, but also mutual interests that bring us together too.

It's easy with him. He makes me laugh, knows how to make me smile and is always there with tea and a shoulder to cry on if I've had a bad day. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

Blimey @Skittlesandbeer - can people really be arsed to do all that? I can't imagine wanting to be in a relationship with a man who couldn't function without me telling him to make lists!

When I met my partner, the "practical" things that appealed to me were the following:

He'd been in continuous full-time employment since he was 16 (different jobs, but never unemployed) showed he was hard working.

He didn't have debt or credit cards - everything he bought, he saved for. If he couldn't afford it, he went without.

He had saved and gotten a mortgage on his own. He was sensible with money and went without nights out/expensive gadgets to save up.

It sounds boring and a bit gold-diggerish when it's written like that but in reality it's not. It showed me he was good with money, hard working and more importantly, that he could live and survive on his own without help from a partner or his mum!

We're 12 years in. Two young children also. We are a team, we're both a bit lazy about some things and together about others so we manage to complement each other. I tend to be more stressy about hoovering, cleaning more in-depth e.g. the fronts of the kitchen cupboards and the bottoms of doors. DH doesn't really notice these things. It's also really only me that does the bathroom. But DH does all the shit jobs without complaint - empties the outside litter tray, empties the bins straight away (I'm more of a keep on cramming rubbish in kinda person), puts them out, cleans the kitchen every night then empties the dishwasher each morning. I have weekend lay ins whenever I want without asking (he sees that the kids love having him do breakfast and stuff in the morning). I do the grocery shopping and we share laundry though he probably does a bit more.

In some respects we are a bit in traditional gender roles I guess. I manage all the admin side of life, money, appointments, insurance etc whereas DH makes sure the car is maintained, checks my tire pressures and oil etc for me, fixes stuff when it breaks (e.g. when I accidentally pulled a curtain pole out of the wall). But it's not because we see it as men's work and women's work it's just playing to our individual strengths so it works for us.
This thread is interesting because I've
realised reading it that we both regularly say thank you to each other for small stuff like "thanks for putting that washing away" or whatever but it's not a conscious decision to try and praise good behaviour, it's genuine gratitude and wanting the other person to know they're appreciated.

Every year that passes we feel closer and more in love.

I think part of the secret is DH worries a lot that I'll feel taken for granted and he is therefore proactive in making sure he pulls his weight to avoid that. But the number one thing is communication. We have a brutal honesty policy. We say exactly how we feel about everything even when it's hard and we try to avoid defensiveness and discuss whatever the issue is instead. It works really well for us as although it's not always easy, it means there is zero wondering if the other person is secretly thinking something or trying to second guess their motivations. This is something we've kind of developed and it's kind of weird to start but it has just allowed this amazing freedom of communication that seems to bring us continually closer.

We're lucky because we both think of each other as smart and reasonable and we don't immediately assume the worst motivations of the other. DH can say something that feels critical and vice versa and it doesn't lead to an argument because we truly believe we both want what's best for each other and aren't trying to make each other feel bad.

We both want to make life good for the other I guess. So neither of us would behave the way your husband has. You need an honest discussion and ask him how he feels about the fact he makes your life harder and less pleasant. You'd hope that would be mortifying for him, if it's not then he's probably not at all motivated to change.

Oh wow adaline, congratulations! I hope you have an amazing day and wish you a lifetime of happiness, sounds like your on your way!

He is sensible with finances, always says if he can’t affort it, he’d go without. I guess it’s because he doesn’t thank me for “adulting” so why should I praise him? Sure I could keep it up in the short term but I just want a simple life where we both chip in, without me having to constantly ask/nag.

I show appreciation in other ways, that feels more natural I suppose. When I look back at the time before the split. I wasn’t thanking him or showing appreciation as there wasn’t anything to appreciate him for.

He literally did nothing. I’m trying to think of maybe something I’m missing but I really can’t think of anything. Obviously that isn’t sustainable.

I think we did lose our way a bit. Pressures of dc/work/other stuf etc... I want to get back on track and I’m making an effort. He didn’t really seem to be but as I’ve written this, he’s actually surprised me with something he did this morning.

Something with the dc, maybe he is reading this and getting the hint 😂

Maybe I’m expecting too much but this, this is what should just be happening naturally. Parenting together, taking responsibility and dealing with life in general, it shouldn’t have to be difficult, it’s just what we are supposed to do!

Maybe this is a step in the right direction though

Obiey It sounds like you know each other well and are a team. Dp isn’t the most forthcoming with his feelings/thoughts.

We have spoken about this many times, I don’t want him to bear his soul! Just open up and let me in more

1. I think you are asking too much. You do sound very needy.
2. You need yo compromise and work out whether his laziness is enough of a hindrance or does his kind-heartedness over-ride it.
3. Finally, I'm really sorry But you actually sound incompatible. I know you don't wanna hear that but are you sure that he really is the right one for you?

because when I met Dh, I just knew, it was so easy and he has lots of irritating habits, as do I, but all the fundamentals, all the basics /everything I need : his caring nature, he puts me first in so many things - all these things are so important to me. he fulfils nearly all of my basic criteria.

can you say the same?

I don’t mind you giving your opinion, I appreciate people’s perspectives. Can I ask why you think I’m needy? I’m not being goady, genuinely interested as he may feel the same? He’s not said this but he may be feeling it.

I don’t feel that me asking/wanting to talk about practicalities of parenting/running the house/being open to discussion, is needy but happy to be proven otherwise (well not happy but will eat humble pie). I want to learn where and how I’m getting it wrong or not addressing things the right way.

When we got together and the many years we were together before having dc, I would have said we were most definitely compatible. We were happy, if I’m honest, it’s since having the youngest, things changed.

I didn’t really have much practical support. I started to feel resentment.

Fwiw, maybe deep down I probably am quite needy. I want a long lasting relationship, for us to be happy and in love. To work as a team and go through the highs and lows and come out strong! Maybe this isn’t realistic and I’m being needy and unrealistic?

I know we will have ups and downs. I just want to make it work.

You have already split, which was the hardest part, but it's only natural that you should have some regrets, especially if you have DC together.

Only you can make the decision as to whether or not to try again but, based on what you have said, I would agree that you have made the right decision. If you reconcile without being 100% sure, it will be damaging to the DC if you split up for a second time, after they have adjusted.

Your DH obviously has many good qualities or you wouldn't have married him in the first place, but there is no reason why you can't be good friends and co-parent successfully.

I am horrified by the posters who advocate treating their DH like another child and training him up, like a giant toddler. What are you supposed to do, have a star chart for good behaviour? Honestly, life's too short for such nonsense. You have done the hard bit, now it's time to move on and hopefully find another adult to have a LTR with, failing which you will be fine on your own with the DC (and have some time off when DH is looking after the DC ).

You sound like a strong and capable woman, who deserves better.

"some may say needy."

You said so, in your OP.

And then your subsequent posts confirm you do need a lot of attention, touch, etc and quite demanding and have high needs, within a relationship.

Thank you. I don’t want to be a nagging partner, I just want to know if it can work. If it was based on love alone, that would be enough but now we have dc, things are different. Wish we could have just been one of those couples who adapted together and naturally.

I’m sure I said some might say needy in my op? Maybe this is an eye opener for me, enjoying affection, kisses and wanting a relatively tidy house with both parents involved in the running of it. I just imaged and wanted that. Maybe this does make me needy.

That’s why I enjoy hearing people’s experiences and thoughts. Makes me look at things differently and I know people can be brutal on here 😆

Been married twice, my second marriage of 23 years has been very happy. We both agree that there's a massive amount of luck involved. We had similar backgrounds, our fathers both had their own businesses so were conveniently absent for a lot of the family stuff!! Both from step-families with step-siblings, we had similar savings and a similar outlook on life. He makes me laugh every day, he keeps me in line when I admit I do need that sometimes, he is generous and very principled. Also very hardworking. He brought up my daughter as his own which is an amazing achievement. We respect each other. It sounds corny to say marriage is a journey, but it absolutely is. It has ups, downs and if you're lucky long periods of stability. We have always had separate finances, and before I retired, I've pretty much always worked. I think you maybe need to pluck up some courage and communicate with him more. Explain it's different now you have the children to look after and he needs to look at how he can pull his weight and help you more. Respect is earned and once lost, it's difficult to get it back.

Trying to think outside the box if you really do want to stay with him. How about splitting the list of jobs that need doing and he gets ones that he feels the consequence if they are not done. For example, you stay on top of tidying and cleaning; he does the food shopping and keeps the cars loaded up with petrol and tyres pumped...or whatever is relevant in your house. But NEVER, EVER, EVER help him out if he doesn't keep his side of the bargain. You've done your part. He needs to learn to do his and he needs to know that someone is not going to be there to scoop up his shit. How about he pays for a cleaner if he doesn't want to do his share?

No that doesn’t sound corny at all, I get it. I have tried communicating with him, that was another big thing mentioned on my previous thread, probably shouldnt have name changed. He finds it hard to express what he’s thinking, he says this himself but there is only so much talking I can do. I need something, anything!

We are definitely going to have another talk, or at least try, we discussed this, that we need to.

I could maybe suggest that, splitting the jobs? Probably easier if it’s 90/10 at first? Going from 0 to 50 probably isn’t realistic. When it’s just me and dc, it doesn’t bother me, I know I have to just do it. It’s when he’s there and watches me do everything or even worse, adds to the mess and leaves it.

I do tell myself that whatever happens is what was meant to, ka sera sera.

Thing is I want it to work. I can’t imagine being with anyone else, the thought quite frankly makes me sick.

O₩ you could be me. My relationship is just like this. My do is so lazy when it comes to the kids and the housework he wants me to basically wipe his arse for him and he is so laid back he is horrizonatal whereas I'm more uptight and I like things tidy.
My way of dealing with him is to not pussy foot around him and when he needs to pick up his shit I tell him to do so without any niceties because he is not a child he is an adult and I shouldn't need to bribe him or persuade him to do things like that for himself.
I know exactly how you feel and often wonder how much longer it can last.
Can I ask how long you have been together? Xx

I have occasionally asked him if he wants me to wipe his ass 😂

I have to laugh otherwise I’d cry. Seven years, how about you? Sorry your going through the same. It’s hard when you don’t feel you get support from the one person you really should be getting it from.

Have you spoken about it to your dp? Like a real sit down conversation? I have, I just don’t know if he realises what’s actually involved in parenting/being an adult. He’s never had to put a load of washing in, change the bedding, everything has been done for him all his life, but, he is a kind man.

He has so many positives, he really does. It’s just exhausting looking after a man child with young dc.