Fwb.....don't think we have this right

[Notacluewhatthisis]

So I left exh 18 months ago. Quickly met a guy. He was great and also just separated. We both fell into a trap of clinging on to eachother and got to serious too quick. We ended up splitting.

We stayed friends, because he is the relative of a friend of mine and saw him frequently. We always flirted but during this time he was a really good friend. Always there for me, made sure I was ok but nothing physical happening.

Anyway we were friends until April this year ( So for about 6 months) when we started a FWB situation. I was scared we would end up serious and it going tits up again. The FWB has been great. Something fun for me, but not too serious. It was what I needed. To have someone to spend time with but not obligated to. The sex is great and we have carried on being great friends.

However, looking back over the last few weeks we seem to have fallen into a weird situation. We now see eachother everyday. Even if it's just him popping into way on his way to/from work. If my son is with his dad we stay at eachother without fail. We do all our shopping together, spend all free time together, spend every weekend together. He bought me a few gifts lately, including a bracelet. Nothing expensive but meaningful presents. I stayed at his for a few weeks when I was waiting to move into my new house. He helped me decorate my house, move all my stuff in, secured the garden for my son, helped pick furniture and helped me build it etc

I have spent all weekend with him and we ended up spending all this morning cuddled up on his sofa before going food shopping. We found ourselves planning what meals we will eat. What we want for lunches for work etc. However he never stays when my son is here, 4 nights a week. He works nights and comes over before He starts but after my son is in bed, stays for a bit then goes to work. He will make my lunch for work while here or make us something to eat or i will sort the food. We watch some TV or just sit and talk. He texts me every morning and every nightand several times during the day. He likes to know I am home safe, if I am driving home from work etc

On Friday night I was on my phone talking to a guy from work. About work, nothing more, and he asked if it was his relative who I am friends with. I said no it's was Bob (not real name) from work. He asked if I fancied him and then added that he shouldn't have asked. That it was nothing to do with him and he was sorry. But he looked proper gutted. I told him I didn't fancy this man and changed the subject.

I really like him but am starting to feel confused about what we are. I was worried about FWB, because I was worried I would get emotionally involved and now I feel I am. But for a few months it was great.

He is a great guy. He knew something has been bothering me recently and he kept asking me to talk to him, reassuring me I could tell him anything and he wanted to support me. Whats bothering me is that I want to tell him that I can't do the FWB anymore.

I don't want to give him the 'all of nothing speech' because I think it's unfair on him. I can't give him an ultimatum.

This isnt how FWB act, is it? I need to walk away don't I?

I don't want to lose him, but I don't want FWB anymore. I just can't see a way out that means I can keep him in my life.

I have fucked up massively. Shouldn't have done the FWB thing and won't ever do it again. For the first time in a long time I was happy and fucked this up for myself.

I am doing the right thing, by just telling him it's done and cutting contact?

I think it's worth a conversation along the lines of - "this isn't what FWB is, is it? I'm getting confused and I need to know what we're doing here"

What is it you actually feel for him?

Be honest with him. Just tell him you're starting to see him as more than a Feb and therefore it's best you stop seeing him for a while.

I think he may possibly feel the same about you though. You are acting far more like a couple than you are fwb.

Fwb not Feb!

Erm, he's your boyfriend.

And it sounds like you're both enjoying it.

Just be honest with him.

this isn't what FWB is, is it? I'm getting confused and I need to know what we're doing here

I want to have this conversation. But I am terrified. I am a 36 year old woman who is terrified he will reject me.

What is it you actually feel for him?

Honestly, I am in love with him. Thinking about answering that question has just made me cry. I haven't wanted to admit it. Kept telling myself, it's fine it's not love. You just enjoy his company......I am So fucked.

I think he may possibly feel the same about you though. You are acting far more like a couple than you are fwb.

I am just so scared. Openly, I don't take about feelings very well. It's why I like MN. My ex was very closed off. Any discussion of my feelings ended up with him telling me I was ridiculous. I learnt to just smile and say that I am fine all the time, even when I aren't and I don't even know how to start a conversation about feelings. Most people think I am fine. He sees through it though. When i am not he knows I am not. He got me a bracelet saying 'where there's a will, theres a way'. He said it was to remind me of him and to remind me that good things will happen for me if I believe it.

Thanks takeonmetakemeon such good and straight forward advice. Don't know why I just can't do it. Feel like I am so fucked up that I can't even have a conversation.

So you’ve got a lovely guy. What’s the problem

He's your boyfriend, you just haven't had a conversation about it.

Remember long ago, before your ex and before you had a child? Didn't relationships just kind of happen and evolve?

That's all that's happened. It's normal to start off casual and become gradually more committed. If you both want that it's not a problem! Sounds as though you do.

This is not FWB and doesn't sound like it ever has been. You just can't be FWB with someone that you have romantic feelings for. I had a FWB for almost 4 years and there was absolutely nothing to it beyond sex and having a bit of a laugh together.

He is interested in you. Otherwise he wouldn't be asking if you fancy other guys.

You really need to have a proper conversation with him.

But what you're proposing - to cut him off rather than have the conversation with him, you know that's kinda mad, right?

OK, I understand that taking control and being the one to reject is more appealing than running the risk of being rejected, but either way it's going to hurt like a bastard - and taking a chance by having the chat at least has the possibility of a happy outcome.

You would be off your head to "walk away". There's definitely something more between you.

Come on, Op! Don't sabotage it for no good reason. Imagine you do? How will you ever forgive yourself when you see him with someone else in a year?

Good luck. Keep us posted!

TBH I think you have an ultimatum already. You either tell him now that you want to become serious, and if he doesn't want that then you're both better off out of each other's lives. People are ex's for a reason! Friends with benefits, 99% of the time does not work out and feelings always come into play! Whether it be you have feelings for him or vice versa. Saying that, I was FWB for a few months with my husband! We've been together 7 years now. So it can work! Just be honest with him.

So you’ve got a lovely guy. What’s the problem

You know when you put it like this.....it seems simple. There's no problem.

It just doesn't feel like that though. I feel like I want to know where we are going. Will he just meet someone else and think it's not a big deal. Just disappear. But then he could do that anyway. Plenty of attached men do.

You are all right. I need to speak to him. Not just up and walk away.

It needs to be face to face as well, doesn't it. I can't text him.....I am such a coward.

I do sometimes get the feeling that I play it cool too much. That he hints at stuff and I either change the subject or laugh it off. He offered to be my plus one at my Christmas party and I kind of said 'yeah that's crossing the FWB line' and laughed. I hope he would take that opportunity to start the conversation but he just seemed a bit disheartened.

I feel I just have to keep telling myself and acting like FWB is fine and that will make it true.

SlimmingMumOf1 that's great to hear. Did you have the conversation? Or did it just evolve naturally?

He's mad about you! It sounds like you are great couple.

Have The Conversation.

Sounds like he’s in love with you also. God, I wish my bf of 2.5 years done half the stuff with/for me that this guy does with/for you.

Guys like this don’t come around often, stop worrying and have the chat 😊

Crikey, you keep shooting him down and wonder why he doesn't push it?

You ask him the same question you answered, “what is it that you actually feel for me?” And you tell him that you’ve asked yourself that question and that you think you are suppressing some very strong feelings for him, because you are trying to honour this FWB agreement. But it’s not working because you have slipped into relationship mode.

Ask him to have a long think about what he wants and remind him that you come in a package.

I don’t want to burst this romcom bubble but he may not want a relationship with someone who already has children. Lots of people feel this way. Right now, he’s dating you as if you had no kids.

And that’s fine for him but it’s not ok for you (obviously) and as long as you know that now and never introduce him to your child - next!

I am going to talk to him. You are all correct. It's far better than just walking away. It's worth the risk.

category12 you are right. I totally do this. I don't mean to, but I do. I need to stop this.

ektomarie yes I do need to pose the question to him like I have to myself.

My son isn't an issue. He has met him many times. When we were friends. My friend, who this guy is related to is my best friend. Son refers to her as auntie X, so he knows him and Aunties X relative and knows we are friends.

This man knows we are a package and my son comes first.

He had never expected anything less. He made sure my son's room was just right before son saw it. He once turned up at the hospital with spare clothes for me and my son, my sons favourite toys and magazines when my son was rushed into hospital.

He actually has a, now, adult step son. His ex wife had the step son before she met him. The father wasn't involved and he brought him up. He has a good idea of what to expect.

But since we have become FWB, we both decided he should take a step back from ds so that we wouldn't become too attached.

So ds wouldn't become too attached.

The fact that I haven't have a child definitely downs bother this guy, but he will take my lead on it.

doesn't bother this guy

Talk to him.

Don't say you love him though, unless he says it first. That may scare him off, but he sounds into you and you sound like you're partners already. Just not made it official.

I won't be telling him I love him. Definitely not. I would end up scaring myself off. I would feel I was in too deep.

Just need to get the timing right. Don't want to do it, wh3n he is just going to work. He works with heavy machinery, I know him and know he will end up distracted running it over in his head.

Don't think I should do it when he has finished work either. When he gets here I am getting ready for work then he goes when I get ds up.

It might have to wait until next weekend when ds is at his dad's. But then I think I am just trying to put this conversation off.

He sounds lovely and it sounds like he feels the same way as you do but doesn't want to say anything. The big clue in your post was when he apologised for asking you if you fancied Bob from work.
You both need to have the talk though otherwise you will both be going round in circles wondering what's going on.
Im rooting for you OP, I really hope it works out how you want it too. Good luck and keep us updated please.

You can’t wait until next weekend!

I think a good time would actually be before you go to work then he could mull over what you’ve said in his own time.

I do think he feels the same about you though!! Good luck x