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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fwb.....don't think we have this right

76 replies

Notacluewhatthisis · 16/09/2018 14:51

So I left exh 18 months ago. Quickly met a guy. He was great and also just separated. We both fell into a trap of clinging on to eachother and got to serious too quick. We ended up splitting.

We stayed friends, because he is the relative of a friend of mine and saw him frequently. We always flirted but during this time he was a really good friend. Always there for me, made sure I was ok but nothing physical happening.

Anyway we were friends until April this year ( So for about 6 months) when we started a FWB situation. I was scared we would end up serious and it going tits up again. The FWB has been great. Something fun for me, but not too serious. It was what I needed. To have someone to spend time with but not obligated to. The sex is great and we have carried on being great friends.

However, looking back over the last few weeks we seem to have fallen into a weird situation. We now see eachother everyday. Even if it's just him popping into way on his way to/from work. If my son is with his dad we stay at eachother without fail. We do all our shopping together, spend all free time together, spend every weekend together. He bought me a few gifts lately, including a bracelet. Nothing expensive but meaningful presents. I stayed at his for a few weeks when I was waiting to move into my new house. He helped me decorate my house, move all my stuff in, secured the garden for my son, helped pick furniture and helped me build it etc

I have spent all weekend with him and we ended up spending all this morning cuddled up on his sofa before going food shopping. We found ourselves planning what meals we will eat. What we want for lunches for work etc. However he never stays when my son is here, 4 nights a week. He works nights and comes over before He starts but after my son is in bed, stays for a bit then goes to work. He will make my lunch for work while here or make us something to eat or i will sort the food. We watch some TV or just sit and talk. He texts me every morning and every nightand several times during the day. He likes to know I am home safe, if I am driving home from work etc

On Friday night I was on my phone talking to a guy from work. About work, nothing more, and he asked if it was his relative who I am friends with. I said no it's was Bob (not real name) from work. He asked if I fancied him and then added that he shouldn't have asked. That it was nothing to do with him and he was sorry. But he looked proper gutted. I told him I didn't fancy this man and changed the subject.

I really like him but am starting to feel confused about what we are. I was worried about FWB, because I was worried I would get emotionally involved and now I feel I am. But for a few months it was great.

He is a great guy. He knew something has been bothering me recently and he kept asking me to talk to him, reassuring me I could tell him anything and he wanted to support me. Whats bothering me is that I want to tell him that I can't do the FWB anymore.

I don't want to give him the 'all of nothing speech' because I think it's unfair on him. I can't give him an ultimatum.

This isnt how FWB act, is it? I need to walk away don't I?

I don't want to lose him, but I don't want FWB anymore. I just can't see a way out that means I can keep him in my life.

I have fucked up massively. Shouldn't have done the FWB thing and won't ever do it again. For the first time in a long time I was happy and fucked this up for myself.

I am doing the right thing, by just telling him it's done and cutting contact?

OP posts:
Incrediblepregable · 16/09/2018 20:59

Awwwwwwww! He sounds like an absolute dote. Good luck!

Maelstrop · 16/09/2018 21:49

Communication and clarity are key. I think you are more than FWB!

Original poster
Notacluewhatthisis · 16/09/2018 21:53

Thanks everyone.

So he hasn't been round tonight. Ds is ill and I wanted to just chill on the sofa with him. He was so nice about it when I called and told him we was ill. He did, stop on he way to work. Knocked on the door and gave me a hug and huge box.

My son lives nerf guns and he had bought him one to put it away for Christmas (He is super organised) but he told me to give ds it to cheer him up. He even said to not say it was from him if I thought it would be confusing for ds.

He is so nice. I think that scares me too. Just not used to it. He wants to make sure we have some time together on Friday and go for lunch. Seems like a good time to talk, then.

Thanks for stopping me throwing something great, away just because I 2as scared.

OP posts:
rageymcrageface · 16/09/2018 21:56

If you decide you don't want him, I'll have him Grin

Sj325 · 16/09/2018 22:27

It’s so nice to read something positive on this site re: relationships. He honestly sounds so lovely. If only they were all like this.

Good luck OP, I hope everything goes well on Friday Grin

Chimchar · 17/09/2018 06:54

Your FWB sounds like a real catch. It sounds very much like he really likes you, and that you really like him.

Life is too short...be happy. You have feelings for him...tell him.

Good luck with the conversation. I'm sure it'll have a happy ending! HaloThanks

Atlantea · 17/09/2018 07:02

Good luck

Don't play down what.you are feeling as He might do exactly the same

Blameanamechange · 17/09/2018 07:11

He sounds lovely. You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain by telling him. Guys don't do the things you're saying if its fwb to them.

NoFucksImAQueen · 17/09/2018 07:22

ah this thread is amazing. you have to tell him because he so clearly feels the same about you.

Needhelpasking4help · 17/09/2018 07:30

This sounds so lovely, I hope I have this in the future. Tell him how you feel OP.

FlowersHalo

Musti · 17/09/2018 08:09

I'm welling up reading this. He sounds absolutely lovely, caring and besotted with you. He is totally in love. They say actions speak louder than words and he's got a huge percussion orchestra going on.

Your relationship sounds perfect :)

Feefeetrixabelle · 17/09/2018 08:39

From what you’ve said you’ve caught feelings and it seems pretty contagious because he’s clearly caught them too. Just be honest with him. Can’t wait for you to come back with a happy message

Leland · 17/09/2018 08:42

You've fallen for one another without noticing. Talk to him, OP. Definitely worth the risk.

Bodear · 17/09/2018 08:48

Aw op! He sounds besotted with you. This is definitely not FWB. Hurrah for you Flowers be brave, tell him how you feel and embrace the happy Smile

SleepingInYourFlowerbed · 17/09/2018 09:05

I don't think you need to be worried about the conversation. It sounds very much like he has feelings too. This is definitely not FWB.

BTW I'm married to the guy that started as FWB too

Cowardlycustard2 · 17/09/2018 09:17

OP this thread is making me cry! He sounds like the loveliest man on earth who is crazy about you.

Funicorn · 17/09/2018 09:50

Marking my place here . I need to know how this turns out . Good luck OP ! Try to relax .

AgentJohnson · 17/09/2018 09:59

You’re a couple, you might not want the official status of a relationship but it is what you’re doing. If you do not want more than a fwb set up than say so and stop behaving like a couple.

I personally, think it would be better to be on the level then all this masquerading. He clearly wants more than fwb, the question is, do you?

Original poster
Notacluewhatthisis · 17/09/2018 11:23

Hi

Sorry for the lack of update. its been a busy morning at work.

So he came round this morning. I made breakfast, I was going to wait until he ate. But he came in, kissed me, thanked me for his breakfast and pointed out that FWB don't normally do these kind of things. Instead of batting it back I said 'no they don't, is that a problem for you?' And he said it wasn't.

So we sat down and had chat while we ate. I told him I don't want to see anyone else and don't want him too either. He looked relieved and said he wanted that too.

We talked about not moving too fast. I don't want to move or anything, right now. His lease is up for renewal so he is going to do 6 months at a time.

I have said I am happy for him to be around more when my son is. But not all the time and I don't want to tell my son we are a couple right now. I need some time and he was happy with that.

I am happy as things are between us, but needed that reassurance that we are exclusive and heading somewhere together. And heading in the same direction.

He wants me to be more involved with his friends. Meet them etc. I know his family and see them more than he does anyway. But he wants them all to know we are a proper couple. Rather than us just saying we are friends. His step mum (his dad died 10 years ago and his mum left when he was young and he doesn't know her) will be made up. She keeps telling me we would be good together. He is going to pop in when he has been to bed. I am going round with ds tonight to see her anyway.

So it all seems good. I can't stop smiling. My boss, who is friend and knows the whole tale, is made up. Says she knew I was more into him that just FWB.

Just to say, he is lovely. He is great and make me happy. But he isn't perfect. He still farts, snores and gets grumpy when he is hungry. But right now, I think he is perfect for me.

Thanks everyone for stopping me throwing away a great relationship. I was so scared and confused. This morning I woke up to texts from him that he sent during the night so I would see them when I got up and it seemed so obvious, that he felt more than FWB too.

You are all amazing. I can't thank you enough. Xx

OP posts:
Uggywuggy · 17/09/2018 11:36

What a wonderful update!!! So pleased for you!! Smile

ektomarie · 17/09/2018 11:38

😍😍😍 lovely update OP. Thank you for sharing.

Leland · 17/09/2018 11:47

Delighted for you, OP.

And very pleased to read this, too --

We talked about not moving too fast. I don't want to move or anything, right now. His lease is up for renewal so he is going to do 6 months at a time

You are absolutely right. One of the things that seems to come up time and again on particularly disastrous threads on the Relationships forum is people moving in together very quickly after becoming a couple, and skipping the enjoyable and, I think, completely necessary for establishing a healthy, happy relationship bit where you are seeing one another and in love, but have not not set up in a household together. The people who sort of slide unthinkingly into living together very quickly because it's cheaper seem to end up posting about ghastly inequalities in housework, childcare and finances or are unhappy because one party doesn't want to marry because moving in 'just happened'.

Hold to those good instincts, OP. They will serve you well. Very best wishes to you both.

Original poster
Notacluewhatthisis · 17/09/2018 12:00

Thank you all.

And thanks leyland for confirming I am doing the right thing.

I have been married since I was 20. I now have my own house with my son. I really want to get used to having some space. When I first left exh, I was terrified of living alone. But I think I need to learn some indpendance. It feels right for me and my son. My son has had a lot of changes in the last 18 months. He needs some stability and any changes done gradually.

I think its right for Dp too. It's the first time he has lived alone too. It's also going to be a hard year with our divorces both going through. So don't want to add more stress onto our lives by trying to get used to living together.

OP posts:
ICESTAR · 17/09/2018 13:17

This is the cutest bloody thing ever. Flowers I love people experiencing happiness that they deserve. I wish you both nothing but the best.

Bipbopbee · 17/09/2018 13:25

Such a lovely update! Grin