Confused and upset

[BayTiger]

I wrote a similar post a few weeks ago and received some great advice. I don't want to keep asking for the same advice over and over but I feel so confused and don't trust my own interpretation of things. I have always been told I am over sensitive so for that reason don't think my feelings are valid. My husband has become more and more difficult since we married and moved and we now have an 18 month old daughter. I wrote about some of the things that have happened on my other thread but basically he gets very angry and sweary and rants on at me over things I find minor. He then calls them arguments but to me they aren't as I can never defend myself.

He is currently under a lot of stress as he is starting a new job and a family member has been diagnosed with a serious illness. He finds it hard to cope with stress and I try to be as supportive as I can when he wants to talk but he will eventually say he doesn't want to talk any more and I should give him space.

He feels I go out with our daughter too much and wants me to stay in three days a week, I tried to say I had done that last week and he says: I don't need you to defend yourself, ie I am to just listen.

I spoke to him last weekend about his tone and I thought it was a good chat and he admitted that he thinks he has a deep seated subconcious anger towards me. Our child is adopted and he has become upset at the idea of his bloodline not continuing. He wants me to consider us having a child with a surrogate or us trying more IVF, which I spent years doing. I am really happy with what we have and extremely grateful and couldn't love our child more if I had given birth to her. He loves her too but really wants a biological child as well. This makes me feel weird and a bit humiliated and a failure as a woman.

In the week I didn't have his dinner served when he came down from putting our daughter to bed, and he swore and me and said to fucking serve it up, I was waiting till he came down so it didn't get cold. But his tone is so harsh and mean.

He used to apologise but nowadays he continues to blame me and it's making me feel on edge around him. No one we know would believe in a million years that he could be like this and it would all get turned onto me if it came out as I had mental health problems in my younger years. So I know people would say oh she's just over sensitive.

I know people will probably find me annoying for asking again but I just don't trust my own judgement. I have read through the Lundy Bancroft book and other things and thing he is veering towards mild verbal/emotional abuse. I can't talk to anyone, I have said a few things to my sister but just feel I don't want to speak to people or see anyone.

I spend hours going over it all in my head trying to work it all out. I do get irritable at times due to PMT, and if he is really nice to me then I feel annoyed in a way as I think well you were so horrible to me yesterday and now you want to be nice!

Oh OP. Nothing about this sounds okay at all.

Why is he telling what you can do and where you can go with your baby?

Why did he agree to adopt when he’s so angry about it?

The way he speaks to you is awful and admitting to this deep seated anger is really scary.

There’s a difference between being a bit snippy with PMT and him swearing at you about his food not being ready like you’re unpaid help instead of his wife!

Oh this is hard to read. He continues to take out his anger on you.

I don't think you should stay with someone who holds your infertility against you (or be coerced into having more treatment). I don't think you should stay with someone who thinks he has the right to dictate what you do (why does he want you to stay in? It's really controlling).

He's treating you like a skivvy and telling you to fucking serve it up is just grossly disrespectful and verbally abusive.

It sounds like it's getting worse.

Leave him.

Take your precious child away from such an abusive person. She will grow up learning that this farce of a "relationship" is normal.

Dear god don’t try and have another child with this piece of shit! He’s abusing you. End it. You don’t need his permission or for anyone else to think you’re right. Just end it.

Take your precious child away from such an abusive person. She will grow up learning that this farce of a "relationship" is normal.

This Please. She doesn't deserve this and neither do you.

Why didn’t it come up during the adoption process that he wanted is own child? I thought couples could not adopt if they were having Ivf. It sounds like he was not honest. If he had talked about his ‘bloodline’ To social workers I do not believe he would have been approved for adoption.

He sounds like a bully.

Why does he want you to stay in? How would that benefit you and your baby?

Are social services still involved? I think you should tell them of your concerns and his behaviour.

Thankyou for all the replies, it is really helpful, although I feel guilty in case I have misrepresnted things. We had another chat, well I listened and he told me everything that is troubling him and also things I should do to improve everything. He is preoccupied with me going out too much as our daughter gets unsettled if she is around lots of people too often, but I am able to guage how she is and whether a walk is going to be Ok or not. It feels a bit controlling in a way.

Someone asked about the gap after fertility treatment, you do have to leave a gap before you can apply to adopt and social services have to be satisfied you have come to terms with any losses and the fact you won't have a biological child. As far as I was concerned we were both in the right space but these feelings my husband is having have been quite recent, which we were told can happen. He feels like as he hasn't had a biological child and his brothers haven't had children his family unit won't carry on. He is besotted with our daughter though, but it's me who feels unnerved by all this. I wouldn't agree with having a surrogate (as we could never afford it and it doesn't seem right) or me doing any more IVF as I have been through so much and it was all really tough.

Now he has said how he is feeling everything has gone back to normal with him, this is what I find confusing as he is being nice as pie now. He does have some genuine reasons to feel stressed at the moment, but this goes on far too often when he doesn't. I hate feeling like an emotional punch bag almost when everyone else gets the best of him!

He has said some really hurtful things lately and I seem to just get on with things and gloss over them as I feel relieved when things are normal again. It feels like my emotions have frozen up though, but no one would realise it.

He’s a cunt.
Get out.

Posted too soon.
He will resent your daughter soon.

Your are looking to blame yourself to justify staying. You can't. He is abusive and controlling. Please heed the advice here. You need to leave. Having his child would really trap you. Imagine how controlling he'd be over his own child.

Please confide in a friend and organise a safe exit strategy.

Xx

You come across as an intelligent articulate woman who loves her child very much. You have been through some very hard times with IVF and I cannot imagine how this made you feel during the treatment. More so now it is even sadder that you are so happy with your child, but your husband continues to remind you of and belittle you over your fertility issues.

Trying to restrict how much you leave the house is very worrying, alongside the awful way he speaks to you.

I don’t know under what circumstances or what age your child was adopted but I honestly think that there is a risk to her wellbeing to grow up with an emotionally abusive father. Adopted children often already can have a bumpy ride adjusting to changes and it sounds like all he can think about is some idealistic fantasy land of Game of Thrones style blood lines. If you had natural children who were daughters his family name would not be passed on anyway, and a name is a name. In reality he should be supporting you through IVF and how you may still be feeling, sensitive to this and also his little daughter who needs both her parents love and guidance.

Instead he’s a sulky Nasty bully who can only think about his virility and is treating you atrociously.

He isn’t going to see the light and change. If having a child didn’t make him see what life should really be like, having more certainly won’t. I worry for you that this will only get worse

He is very unlikely to change and has completely confused you so that you don't know what to believe. From an outsiders point of view its clear that you should leave asap for your sake and your daughter. He is a controlling bully. What century does he think he's living in?

Judge him on how he is making you feel:
Confused, scared, uncertain, insecure, uncertain.

You're so used to feeling like this and using the scraps of 'niceness' he judiciously grants you, to cancel out all the rest of the crap - you don't know who you are - hence your post.

Your very uncertainty is your answer. You shouldn't be feeling like this. Run Run Run.

I don't think you're ready to leave him or your wouldn't keep posting on here. It's like you want to be reassured he's being horrible to you without having to face that fact in real life and do something about it.

You remind me of a friend who used to visit me weekly to complain about her terrible boyfriend then go back to him afterwards. This lasted for years until he left her for another woman.

Until you face the fact he won't change, then your life will only get worse. He won't suddenly treat you better.

You're not confused, you're unhappy and anxious because you live in fear of his moods. It feels confusing as you don't know what to expect, but you yourself know he makes this happen.

Don't change to suit him. Live your life and see how he reacts. If he behaves as if he hates you, why disbelieve him?

He's an angry, nasty man with deep issues who will blame other people no matter who they are or what they've done for him.

Also, once you face what he's really like, it'll be your turn to be angry.

Has the adoption been finalised? I think he should have a word with the social worker who placed your daughter.

Neither you or your daughter deserve to be treated like this. Please get out.

Why not post an update on your old thread with all the previous incidents and info then the people who have already helped you will see your thread again.

You know what you have to do, this isn’t a good relationship. Your poor DD doesn’t deserve to be made to feel like a 2nd class citizen because she’s not ‘blood’ and you shouldn’t feel a failure for not providing him with fucking heir - who does he think he is, Henry VIII ?!

Let him make his own fucking dinner until he learns to treat you with some respect and start making your plans for a lovely life with your DD. Set him free to go and spread his seed far and wide. The absolute tosser.

He told you off for not having his dinner ready to eat off of the plate at the precise moment he expected it despite you having had freshly cooked for him anyway which is not his god given right... this really isn't normal and something that can't be explained away...
Your post made my heart break. Please do not stay in this relationship.

Thank you for all the replies and it has given me a lot to think about. I used to wonder why people put up with abusive behaviour as well but I think it’s hard to truly believe that’s what it is when it’s happening to you, and you sort of justify it and think it must be you causing it.

I can see now why it takes people a long time as it’s taken me months to muster up the courage to post here and I am afraid to tell people in reality. I think to myself how ridiculous to think this is abusive when people experience being hit and so on. And then I wonder if I am just over sensitive and need to toughen up.

But now I’ve posted twice it’s made me see that people do think it’s bad and that does make me feel validated which really helps if you’re starting to doubt yourself. Also when the person switches to being really nice you just feel relieved and get on with things until it switches again.

Thank you all again.

If he was awful all the time of course you’d realise it was a bad relationship. They keep you hooked you being nice just enough of the time that you doubt yourself and wonder if you’re making a big deal out of it. Just because he’s not a grade A bastard, doesn’t mean you have to put up with a grade C bastard. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE! Read the pinned post at the top of the threads in the relationships topic. Give yourself credit - you know that the way he’s treating you is not acceptable. We’ve all confirmed that, but you’re not being ridiculous to want better for yourself and your DD.

The thread titled Right, listen up everybody

Thank you, I have read through that post and it's very insightful.

One other thing I wonder about, if your in laws are at times disrespectful towards you, wouldn't you worry about your child spending time with them without you being there?

I am feeling very flat about all this and find it harder to bounce back. My husband is back to normal again but I keep getting flashes of things he has said to me. The other day he said he's been really hurt that I spoke to him about his harsh tone and that I need to toughen up a bit and stop criticising him all the time (ie criticising his harsh way of speaking to me). You can see why people's minds go round in circles and you start to doubt your sanity!

Sorry to pop up again but I am still feeling quite anxious about all this. What would make a clever, successful, professional man act in this way? He often lies to me and now has lied about where he was (in the pub) saying that he has to lie in order to avoid my nagging. If I left him be he wouldn't need to lie and I need to just take a step back. He says that I do nothing but tell him things he is doing wrong, but what I have been talking about is the harsh tone he uses and have asked him not to lie.

My husband is supposed to be avoiding drinking in pubs as he previously had a binge drinking problem so when he does go awol of course it raises my anxiety. He is finding his stress hard to manage but I wonder why not just take my support rather than lashing out at me when he feels stressed. He looks at me with such disdain and then twists what I am saying to make it sound completely alien to me. If I say something like why can't you be kinder he will say well why don't YOU be kind, rather than addressing what I am saying.

I know people will say well you have already been given advice, it has taken me several years to even believe this could be abusive in some way and not caused by me, so this is the only place I can make sense of anything.

You have answered your own questions

He’s doing this because he:
-Is intelligent enough to work out how to get to you
-Has an alcohol problem and doesn’t want you interfering or questioning anything
-Wants a wife who doesn’t question Him and obeys
-Wants to be in control of everything

Why he is a horrible person is anyone’s guess. Maybe he was born that way. Maybe he grew up and turned into this person

Fact is the WHY will not help you
He is not a puzzle to be solved with a prize at the end of bliss and happiness.
He is a horrible person

There will never be a solution to why he does what he does. The unpredictability of it is part of the conduct towards you. Keeps you on your toes, unbalancded and in a permanent state of anxiety as to when the next wave of anger will be unleashed.
He could do this all day, every day for the rest of your life.
That is what you can look forwards to.
It won;t get better, it will get worse till you can't leave the house, speak to anyone, have friends or even breath. The small gaps of niceness between episodes of horrible will grow shorter but you will be left hoping for one to appear. And every so often he will throw a bone of being a half way decent human being but he can't maintain it and old bastard face will return.
And his family are at it too.
Tell the whole lot of them to get to fuck. work out what you will receive in terms of benefits, what he will contribute, make your way to the nearest exit.
I really wish you all the best. I did it, so can you. Reclaim your life