Confused and upset

[BayTiger]

I wrote a similar post a few weeks ago and received some great advice. I don't want to keep asking for the same advice over and over but I feel so confused and don't trust my own interpretation of things. I have always been told I am over sensitive so for that reason don't think my feelings are valid. My husband has become more and more difficult since we married and moved and we now have an 18 month old daughter. I wrote about some of the things that have happened on my other thread but basically he gets very angry and sweary and rants on at me over things I find minor. He then calls them arguments but to me they aren't as I can never defend myself.

He is currently under a lot of stress as he is starting a new job and a family member has been diagnosed with a serious illness. He finds it hard to cope with stress and I try to be as supportive as I can when he wants to talk but he will eventually say he doesn't want to talk any more and I should give him space.

He feels I go out with our daughter too much and wants me to stay in three days a week, I tried to say I had done that last week and he says: I don't need you to defend yourself, ie I am to just listen.

I spoke to him last weekend about his tone and I thought it was a good chat and he admitted that he thinks he has a deep seated subconcious anger towards me. Our child is adopted and he has become upset at the idea of his bloodline not continuing. He wants me to consider us having a child with a surrogate or us trying more IVF, which I spent years doing. I am really happy with what we have and extremely grateful and couldn't love our child more if I had given birth to her. He loves her too but really wants a biological child as well. This makes me feel weird and a bit humiliated and a failure as a woman.

In the week I didn't have his dinner served when he came down from putting our daughter to bed, and he swore and me and said to fucking serve it up, I was waiting till he came down so it didn't get cold. But his tone is so harsh and mean.

He used to apologise but nowadays he continues to blame me and it's making me feel on edge around him. No one we know would believe in a million years that he could be like this and it would all get turned onto me if it came out as I had mental health problems in my younger years. So I know people would say oh she's just over sensitive.

I know people will probably find me annoying for asking again but I just don't trust my own judgement. I have read through the Lundy Bancroft book and other things and thing he is veering towards mild verbal/emotional abuse. I can't talk to anyone, I have said a few things to my sister but just feel I don't want to speak to people or see anyone.

I spend hours going over it all in my head trying to work it all out. I do get irritable at times due to PMT, and if he is really nice to me then I feel annoyed in a way as I think well you were so horrible to me yesterday and now you want to be nice!

Op, I feel a sense of dread when I read this.

If your sister were quietly sitting in the front room overhearing him speaking nastily to you in the kitchen about dinner being five minutes late, would she not be horrified? You come across as so nice here, but even your tone to us here is apologetic and crippled with doubt. We can validate your feelings online but you really sound like you need real life support. Calling Women’s Aid you will have a real live person to talk to, and that may be your first step in saying out loud how he really is. It can be very helpful, gathering a vocabulary and practicing saying out loud how you feel, to a third party. Please be kind to yourself and do think about picking up the phone to WA before the ‘next time.’

Hello and a very happy new year to you all. I am just sitting here thinking about things and thought it would help me to ask for support. I haven’t taken much action although have tried ringing WA many times and can’t get through. I am too embarrassed to ask people I know.

Another situation has arisen and I know people will say you keep asking the same thing. This is just the only place I can seek any kind of validation even if I can’t act.

Christmas was a bit hard as my husband and mum didn’t get on. Usually me and my mum don’t get on amazingly. She is a great person but we rub each other up the wrong way, she was a single mum and went through real difficulties, but this led to her being quite strict and restrictive towards me.

This still plays out now and I have often discussed this with my husband prior to him becoming different. This Christmas they fell out over a couple of silly things really but he is really mad about it and keeps on lecturing me about how mad he is and how we are to limit time with her but increase time with his family.

Even though I do have trouble getting on with my mum at times it is seeming a bit over the top and making me feel uneasy. His dad bullied and ignored me deliberately for several weeks one year but that was all turned around that I needed to charm him and make him like me.

I have been ill with what felt like a chest infection and I have hardly had a break for the past two months. He had to go away for a couple of weeks unavoidably, but this led to our child having a reaction of not seeming to remember him when he returned. It has taken weeks to get to the point where she will let him do anything for her.

Now that things are back to normal he is back in charge and I feel like his is supervising me. I have been up for hours in the night with her since October as she has sleep problems and on one occasion last week I felt really impatient. Tonight he tried to issue instructions that he is to take over the night duty more nights than me, even though he works all week due to the one night where I was impatient. It's just the way he barks at me and rather than mention the three months where I have done everything, focuses one one night. He’s not really saying it to help me it’s more to show that I’m not coping, when in fact I am.

Today I felt really unwell and started crying and I said he had undermined me on something, which he had. I haven’t heard the end of this and how offensive it was for me to say this, and because I cried he implies I am not able to cope with our child. This makes me feel I can never criticise him nor ever cry. He has lectured me for a good hour about everything and went to bed early. If I interrupt or say anything I get told to listen or that I’m unbelievable.

At present he has had to focus on his family due to illness, it’s as though he has to be unfriendly towards me, like he can’t be friendly with everyone at once. I’ve heard him on the phone making it sound like he comes home from work and has to do loads of cleaning and childcare which isn’t accurate. It makes me feel so awkward and on edge.

I am sorry to post again as I have received loads of any advice and I have taken it all in. I’m just feeling a bit lost and alone and just to know I’m not going mad would help! Although I do admit that I was bad tempered with him this morning so it could me my fault entirely, I just feel in such confusion a lot of the time!!

I think you are finding it hard to accept who your husband really is. After ivf and then adoption you hoped to settle down to a happy family, and who can blame you, but this is not a good relationship ; he shouldnt tell you what to do; expect you to act as a unpaid help and not respect you enough to let you speak; he wants to talk and you to listen! Dont survive on snippets of ok behaviour, it should be like that all the time. He is wearing you down which is why you doubt yourself. The drinking is a concern also as these things always get worse. You should consider leaving and making a fresh start. You are clearly a strong, sensible intelligent woman you can do it. Your DD is lucky to have you. I think life will be better with just the two of you. Get some legal advice as to where you stand financially etc

If you don't take action to leave him this will be your life forever.

Your husband is not going to change.
This is who he is. You can either stay and accept all this ( and have your dd grow up thinking this is ok) or leave and make a new life for yourself that isn’t on egg shells, and maybe find a man that treats you and your child how you deserve to be treated.
Make 2019 the year you do that.

he admitted that he thinks he has a deep seated subconcious anger towards me.

This is something men in prison would say about the woman they murdered.

Bay, this man is sadist who enjoys terrorizing you. He is a cruel abuser and is a danger to you and your daughter.

You MUST find a way to get away from him to protect your child. If you don’t, she will be badly affected by his irrational bullying of you, and at some point he will also target her.

He already sees her as ‘Less Than,’ and she will soon pick up on this. I feel so angry and hurt for her.

a sadist

That is not a husband or a partner; that is a 19th century self important sociopathic school master who likes the sound of his own voice, bullying, lecturing and controlling.

He can't get away with it outside the home so you're his own personal little whipping boy at home (and I worry any children would be too), in fact I'm amazed he's not 'lecturing' the toddler as she'd be his perfect subject, being unable to speak.

Can you go (physically) to a WA shelter/office for help and advice?

Could anyone experienced in this offer advice on how op can access help?

“He told me things I need to do to make things better” HUGE red flag. He is blaming you and not taking any responsibility for his actions. Get out now. Or tell him the things HE needs to do to make things better and insist that HE goes to counselling otherwise you and your daughter are out of there.

I suggest counseling on your own to build some self esteem.
I don’t think you realise how controlling he is, he talks at you. You are not allowed to reply. he tries to limit your contact with the outside world.
Do you want your child growing up thinking this is normal?

He won't change, why should he, he knows you won't stop enabling his abusive behaviour . You have a duty to protect your daughter.

He's trying to cut you off from your family. By falling out with your mum he knows that's one less support network you have. I hope 2019 is the year you break free of this twat. Xx

Please have a look at the Womens aid site www.womensaid.org.uk , it is not just for women actively fleeing violence, even if you have no intention of leaving or don't believe/accept this is abuse.
They have a ton of experience and resources onsite including the helpline and links to local support.

You sound so sad OP.
Keep posting on here for how ever long you need to.

At the moment this is the only place you have so don't apologise for getting your thoughts and feelings out.

Trust your feelings...if things feel wrong then they ARE wrong. It's a great idea to try to see a counsellor in 'real' life. Get support from wherever you can. You are wise to realise this may not come from those closest to you.

Don't listen to his opinions about you...listen to yourself.

Wishing you strength x

He's grinding you down and from your posts it sounds like it's working. I don't know what to suggest but I think with an adopted child in the mix particularly you need some outside help about resolving this. It's terribly unfair on any child but your child will likely already have deep-seated underlying insecurities and the relationship of her parents, both of you, will only add to those. If counselling doesn't work then I think you need to split.

Do you think he’s going to change? Seriously? And can you live like this for the rest of your life? Can your daughter?

He's controlling at best and abusive at worst. I'd say he's definitely abusive. We can't really advise you without actually being there and seeing what he does but from what you're saying, he is getting worse and will have a negative impact on your child as she grows.

Your husband is an abuser and like many abusive men he's waited until he got you into a very vulnerable position (being a mother) and depending on him financially before ramping up the abuse.

He will always find an excuse to justify his abuse towards you.
The 'lack of a biological dc' was one of those excuses.

this led to her being quite strict and restrictive towards me
You confiding in him about something very personal t o yo has been twisted and used as a means to abuse you even further.
Now he can justify isolating you even further from your support network - whilst at the same controlling you by insisting that his family get more involved....basically making sure you're surrounded by his kind of bullies.

He's not going to change.
None of it is your fault.
What are you going to do about it?

In the 4 months since you first posted - what practical changes/decisions have you made that will help you get out and away from him?
Pick up the phone and speak with WA, they will recognise the same abusive behaviour that us strangers on the internet are seeing.

He sounds awful. This is just the start, Id guess. It will get worse. It will affect your daughter.

Get out.

In terms of the nice/nasty, this is a cycle as may well have already been posted.
One resource I found useful was this chart because you can tie up the effect of the behaviour on you with what he is doing

www.cheshirewithoutabuse.org.uk/biderman-chart-of-coercion

The fact that you have had MH issues does not mean you will not be believed but that he has picked his victim well because he will be using that against you.

Keep trying to get through to WA. Sometimes they have drop in meetings or out reach events so once things are running normally again after Christmas it will maybe be easier to get through to someone.

I had one like this, total emotional abuser. He too would make my problem with his unreasonable behaviour/ my tone of voice / my "slanty eyes" into the focus for his lectures and turn everything back on me. I totally get what you say about feeling so confused. It's because he is unbalancing you with his words and behaviour. A partner should love and respect you and have your back. I also get what you say about feeling numb. I was punished for having feelings so totally repressed them until after I left. Do you think it would help to reread the Lundy book? How about talking to woman's aid? They help you even if you aren't ready to leave. My ex didn't do much physical so I felt bad for taking up their resources but I shouldn't have. When someone hits you you know it's wrong and they've crossed a line. It's so much more difficult to recognise emotional abuse as these abusers always twist stuff and seem to delight in driving people insane with their gaslighting.

What resources/income of your own do you have? I mean, to work towards leaving him.

I do not recommend counselling with him, he will just learn more about you to use against you.

@KataraJean I've not seen that before! Very useful chart. Describes a lot of my exes covert/just kidding behaviours.

Thank you to the people who have kindly answered me again, I feel quite pathetic posting again and quite out character but it is so helpful to just be able to secretly see that people do think it’s wrong. He has been really nice today so must feel a bit bad and one time recently sent me flowers to apologise. I know not one person we know would ever think of my husband as abusive as he is so friendly and charming and funny.

I think I confused things by adding to the end of this thread instead of starting a new one. My husband seems to have seized on his argument with my mum and keeps on about it, whereas in the past he has always backed her up if I have complained of her being controlling when I was younger. I feel awful now as he is still talking about his disagreement with her and all it was about was hanging up laundry. It’s all so exhausting! When he is at work I feel so light and free with my daughter!

I think it’s as though he sees me as something he owns or controls as the difference in the way he speaks about his mum and siblings at times is shocking, if I criticise them he defends them to the ends of the earth and they know they are number one to him.

Thank you for the link Katara Jean, it is really interesting although it sounds way more serious than my situation. Someone asked about the steps I had taken, well I have tried calling WA a number of times and will keep trying, I have a sort of three year plan in my head and in the meantime try to keep myself under the radar so to speak. When he is in the nice phase he is like the person I first knew but unfortunately it always ends up in me receiving lectures and rants!

My main dread is when particular family members of his visit or he visits them as things ramp up and he gets very bolshy and I am very alone at those times. Thank you for helping me to see a bit of sense and as someone with low self esteem I have always blamed myself for things, so thank you.