Confused and upset

[BayTiger]

I wrote a similar post a few weeks ago and received some great advice. I don't want to keep asking for the same advice over and over but I feel so confused and don't trust my own interpretation of things. I have always been told I am over sensitive so for that reason don't think my feelings are valid. My husband has become more and more difficult since we married and moved and we now have an 18 month old daughter. I wrote about some of the things that have happened on my other thread but basically he gets very angry and sweary and rants on at me over things I find minor. He then calls them arguments but to me they aren't as I can never defend myself.

He is currently under a lot of stress as he is starting a new job and a family member has been diagnosed with a serious illness. He finds it hard to cope with stress and I try to be as supportive as I can when he wants to talk but he will eventually say he doesn't want to talk any more and I should give him space.

He feels I go out with our daughter too much and wants me to stay in three days a week, I tried to say I had done that last week and he says: I don't need you to defend yourself, ie I am to just listen.

I spoke to him last weekend about his tone and I thought it was a good chat and he admitted that he thinks he has a deep seated subconcious anger towards me. Our child is adopted and he has become upset at the idea of his bloodline not continuing. He wants me to consider us having a child with a surrogate or us trying more IVF, which I spent years doing. I am really happy with what we have and extremely grateful and couldn't love our child more if I had given birth to her. He loves her too but really wants a biological child as well. This makes me feel weird and a bit humiliated and a failure as a woman.

In the week I didn't have his dinner served when he came down from putting our daughter to bed, and he swore and me and said to fucking serve it up, I was waiting till he came down so it didn't get cold. But his tone is so harsh and mean.

He used to apologise but nowadays he continues to blame me and it's making me feel on edge around him. No one we know would believe in a million years that he could be like this and it would all get turned onto me if it came out as I had mental health problems in my younger years. So I know people would say oh she's just over sensitive.

I know people will probably find me annoying for asking again but I just don't trust my own judgement. I have read through the Lundy Bancroft book and other things and thing he is veering towards mild verbal/emotional abuse. I can't talk to anyone, I have said a few things to my sister but just feel I don't want to speak to people or see anyone.

I spend hours going over it all in my head trying to work it all out. I do get irritable at times due to PMT, and if he is really nice to me then I feel annoyed in a way as I think well you were so horrible to me yesterday and now you want to be nice!

Wise up OP, you are 100% in an abusive marriage, your poor child being brought up around this sad pathetic excuse for a man; he won't change, it's up to you to protect your child and end this farce.

If you doubt yourself, why not read your post as if a friend has written it in a text to you. What would you tell her to do? He sounds like he has ground you down over time, so please understand how horrible he sounds to all of us.

I was adopted by a very abusive narc woman and a victim of a man who couldn't stand up for himself or me .
I had hoped ss might be better at accessing these potential adopters but it seems not.
I'm disgusted that people like your dh can paint a totally false picture to ss because there is no way he would be considered to be fit to adopt had he shown his true colours .
Now your position is that no matter how little you care for your own welfare you are absolutely going to have to do right by your daughter .
Sorry , I am angry , your post has really touched a nerve.
Get out , you will look back on this with horror that you doubted yourself .

This is what abuse is. You need to realise that. Your DD is growing up in an abusive home. It’s critically important that you understand that.

You need to leave. He’s an abusive bastard. I’m sorry you have to deal with this and it’s not your fault. But it is your responsibility to get your DD out of there.

I know you have said that you don't feel like you can talk to anyone in real life about this, but do you think you could call Womens Aid, and explain what is happening anonymously? They will be able to provide non judgemental help and advice.

You need to gather your courage and verbalise what is happening, it is the first step towards gaining back control of your life.

Your husband is awful. He won't change. The only thing you can do is remove yourself from him, in order to protect yourself and your daughter.

Well I have just had another big lecture that took all evening. I still don’t really know what I’ve done wrong, but it veers from being told to not talk and keep silent to being told he has to deal with me ‘acting up’. A lot of it seems to revolve around me not keeping on top of the cleaning and me shutting down his suggestions.

I try to keep on top of everything but it is difficult with a young toddler and often what I’ve cleaned gets untidied again by the end of the day! I’ve tried having dinner prepared or in the oven when he gets back but I never seem to time it quite right. I do shut down some of his ideas I suppose but they are usually things I really don’t agree with like having a baby with a surrogate mother or having a cleaner. There’s nothing wrong with having a cleaner of course but in this scenario it feels like another reflection on my capabilities much like the need for a surrogate. I’m sorry to post again and I don’t expect any more advice I just feel like my head is all twisted round and writing it down feels better. I sit and listen to him lecturing me for hours on my shortcomings..he says ‘and another thing, and just another thing’ and keeps going on.

Anytime I say anything back he says ‘there you go again defending yourself’. Earlier I asked him not to have a go at me in front of our daughter as it will cause her anxiety and that’s what started it all up, as he feels I am always criticising his tone. He rarely seems to listen to me properly and more often than not asks me to be quiet for a bit and not talk. I feel like crying but at the same time my emotions have all gone numb lately.

His happiness is not your responsibility.

He is treating you with a total lack of respect, he has no empathy.

It's not you. It's him. Please start making plans to extricate yourself and your child from life with this horrible man. Keep posting here, you'll get plenty of support.

Like one of the PPs up thread, I was adopted by a narcissistic self absorbed woman, and my dad was totally absorbed by her as well. He’s dead now.

I had quite a difficult childhood. And my adulthood has been marred by their selfishness.

I’m also appalled that SS can’t recognise or identify these types of people and this dysfunctional dynamic.

You sound like a friend of mine who fumes and complains about her husband to me and other friends. And then cooks, cleans for and totally nurtures one of the biggest biligerent unpleasant man child men I’ve ever come across.

Please find a way out it’s not fair in your adopted daughter. Stand up for yourself.

Is there anyone in real life that you can talk to? It is upsetting just to read about the home environment you describe let alone raise a child in it. I know you don't think it's that bad but it is (I find it scary and creepy that he has a say in how much you go out and about you "defending yourself" when he's abusing you, it's NOT normal). Please find help for yourself and your daughter.

Let me assure you, you could keep the most immaculate house in the world and have a Michelin standard meal being placed on the table, hot, as he walks through the door and there would still be something wrong.

Stop trying to live up to his impossible, ever changing expectations that are put in place to belittle and control you and make you feel shit.

You know his behaviour is unacceptable, hence you posting, but it takes a lot of courage to translate that into taking action. It would in a non abusive relationship but I imagine you are fearful of what manipulation would follow if you were to stand up to him and leave. Well he'd realise he was losing control, and that's what he craves. So now, you need to carefully plan how you are going to control yours and your DC's future for both your sakes.

Is there a friend you trust and can confide in? Could you go to a local charity for support who can offer advice on how to leave etc? Take control. It won't be easy as he's chipping at your self esteem which is part of the tactic to keep you where he wants you and make you feel your opinion is worthless. This will only get worse and harder to stand up to as time goes on.

I wish you strength and courage. You and your DC deserve better

BayTiger have a think. Is the situation ever likely to change? Is your husband going to start considering your thoughts and emotions as being of equal importance in your lives as his? Is he going to respect you and in years to come your little one?
Ok, he is stressed by external factors , but that isn't an excuse you know. He should be apologising for his behaviour if it is out of character not making you feel responsible for it. How very difficult this is for you.

Thank you everyone, it really is hard to make that leap to think that you could be in this kind of situation. If I was reading about someone else I would agree with you all in a flash. It’s hard when it’s you isn’t it? My husband portrays it as a communication problem that we need to work at so it feels hard to believe it could be abusive behaviour. I think it takes time to think things through and trust your judgement when you find this happening to you, so thank you.

Keep coming back and posting op. You don't sound at all ready to leave as he has broken you down so much. Please keep posting here until it all sinks in. Remember your daughter is top priority and not him. He doesn't see that.

I agree with @ICESTAR

Keep posting, it will help to have an outlet and to have reassurance that you are not the one in the wrong.

You don't need to apologise.

Oh lovely, he is abusive and you do need to leave. This isn't going to get better.

But I can see that you might not be ready yet so we're all here to hold your hand until, and when you are.

Thank you, I will do that, it helps to just have somewhere to talk to people. He was back to his normal self last night and very sorry! I tried speaking to my sister again but she mainly views it as bickering so I think I will stop discussing it with her. Thank you again, I appreciate it.

I think what you need to realise is that the issues aren't with you, they are his alone. And you could spend a lifetime trying to work out why he's like this or "fix" him but the reality is that you can't and won't.

I think you need to talk to someone about this - do you have a social worker or anyone involved in your LO's adoption or even your HV? At the very least, you need to contact Women's Aid for some practical advice and support. You can't honestly for one second think she's going to have a happy childhood living under his microscope. And you both deserve better.

Face it,OP,you aren’t his wife you are his emotional punching bag! If he was truly “sorry” he’d seek insight to explore why he chooses to abuse you vs deal with stress in a mature way. You mention a previous alcohol addiction-did he get counseling? Is there a history of addiction or mental health issues in his family? He sounds very troubled and very,very dangerous. He needs anger management and intense psychotherapy. You’re not in a real relationship he’s holding you hostage in your own home where you deserve love and peace-he’s a human land mine waiting to be stepped on

If your dd finds herself in a relationship like this, what would you say to her? It won't help if you listen more/longer/quieter, or if you clean better, or if you time the plating up of his dinner more precisely - this is what he talks about but it is not what the problem really is. The problem is he enjoys controlling and belittling you and telling you off, and he knows just how much he can get away with before he has to switch back to "normal" mode for just long enough to reduce any resolve you've built up to leave. Every time he does this he grinds you down more and you become accustomed to accepting more and more abuse. You need to see this for what it is, and leave.

Stop trying to live up to his impossible, ever changing expectations that are put in place to belittle and control you and make you feel shit.

Exactly. It doesn't matter what you do or how hard you try. He is finding fault in order to keep you down. He needs to do that to maintain control over you.

The good times and the apologies are only there when he feels he may have pushed his luck too far. They will get fewer and further between as your position as victim becomes further entrenched.

If he starts to suspect that you intend to end the relationship, he is likely to either threaten you, grovel and beg for another chance or both. Any sign of improvement in his behaviour will quickly disappear once he feels sure that you have lost hope.

He is making you responsible for his behaviour and creating rules to make it impossible for you to express your own needs and wishes. That will escalate with time.

Don't try to change yourself. It won't help. Walk away and wait for someone to come along who enhances your life and treats you with respect. Then your DD will grow up knowing what a good healthy relationship looks like, even if her father perpetrates the kind of abuse on her that he has on you during contact.

Leave him.

He has admitted that he feels a lot of anger towards you and he upsets you to make himself feel better, as you say, they're not arguments because you can't defend yourself. and you shouldn't have to!

As your child grows up and the pair of you become more of a unit he will either try and play her off against you and vice versa or he will resent that and feel ganged up on and that'll make him even worse.

Ok what he is doing is emotional abuse and for wanting a better term gaslighting you.
Can I ask, when he tells you to stop talking and listen to him ranting on for hours, why do you do it? Are you affraid he will become violent?

As a (relatively?) normal guy I would never, ever, EVER swear at my DP in anger. I'm borderline uncomfortable with 100% jokingly telling each other to 'shut the fuck up' when we're taking the mick out of each other. We love each other dearly and only ever do it in obvious jest, but I was brought up to never speak to a partner like that, whereas she's more comfortable with it!

Routinely swearing at your partner is not normal. At all. You are not being overly sensitive. It's abuse.

Gaslighting was the word that occurred to me, too.

OP, there is no communication here. Communication is 2 way. He just rants at you, criticises you, belittles you. He seems to allow no response.

Can you speak to your GP about what is happening? He or she might be able to refer you to some counselling or other appropriate type of service. I think you desperately need to talk to someone about this, and help to move away from this abusive and coercive relationship. I'm very worried for you. You've been through so much to finally have your family but he is ruining your happiness as well as your sanity.

Oh OP. Reading your posts made me feel really anxious. He is a dreadful, abusive man.

Please find the strength and courage to leave him. Would you feel up to talking to Women's Aid about everything? I really think they'd help you.

Please save yourself and your daughter before he starts to grind her down too. Neither of you deserve this xx