Advice needed - how to deal with lying MIL?

[dontwannabelikethis18]

I need some advice on how to handle this and I don’t have anyone to ask in real life. It’s a MIL one, I’m afraid. Sorry, this is long.

I will start by staying that MIL is well known to be a very lovely and friendly woman, always smiling and thoughtful and so on. I have harboured the secret opinion that she uses these aspects of her personality to be very cheeky and entitled and even a little bit manipulative for a while. I would never say this to DH as he would be so hurt, but he himself has called her cheeky a few times so I don’t think it’s just me.

She adores DS and has been babysitting around once a week since the beginning of the year, which has been more for them to spend time together than anything. This has now moved onto him staying at hers overnight once a week, and she has also agreed to have him several times a week when I return to work hopefully in a few months time. I am grateful for the free childcare and we are to be honest depending on it quite a lot as my salary is relatively low, and to pay for childcare would make my returning to work financially pointless. I have had numerous concerns about her having him since the beginning of the year, all quite minor really but enough to make me worry and speak to DH. Typically he will call her to speak to her about it, she will cry and apologise, he will get upset for upsetting his mother and I will end up feeling like shit for daring to question her.

Recently DH collected DS (who is 1, btw) from hers and forgot his beaker. We were without it for a few weeks, the next time I saw it was when I was dropping DS off with her for another overnight stay. I went into her house and the beaker was sitting on her table and had blackcurrent squash in it. DS had been having very diluted squash for a while as it was the only way we could get him to drink water, but I was unhappy about it and had gradually made it weaker and weaker until he was fine with just plain water. I said to her I wanted him to just have water, and I emptied the beaker and re-filled it with just water. She chatted as I did this about how she didn’t think it would do any harm but agreed to just give him water.

A few days later and I’m unpacking DS’s things from him staying with her for two days as DH and I took a short break. The same beaker was in the bottom of his pushchair and I was surprised to see it as I thought it had become his beaker at his Gran’s house. It was filled with pineapple flavour squash. I was livid, and felt that this cemented the idea that had been secretly gnawing at me that she didn’t respect me as DS’s mother. I told DH when he came home a short while later and he as usual sided with me and called her. When he was finished he told me that she had said that she hadn’t filled it with squash, it was still filled from ages ago when he had left it there, and possibly because he was desperate to do so he believed her. When he relayed this to me I had a huge moment of relief as I thought I had just misunderstood, it took a few minutes for me to think, hang on, that’s bollocks. By this time he was so happy that it was resolved I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that his lovely mum had just lied to him.

I realised that I needed to start speaking to her myself instead of going through DH as she will just manipulate him. I was also determined to confront her about this the next time I see her. This will be tomorrow as she comes to us to take care of DS as I take my driving test. I don’t want to rile myself up before the test so planned to speak to her after I’ve come home, but this feels so underhanded, calling her out after I’ve used her as childcare again? I also didn’t want to tell DH as he will be totally devastated, he adores her and I’ve already heard him on the phone since that time apologising to her. I was going to call her out on the squash, the lying about it and manipulating DH and demanding that it all stops immediately or she can’t have him anymore. The thing is, DH will be in the house working from home at this time and if she decides to escalate the situation he will come out and become involved. I have no doubt that she is excellent at playing the victim, and I fear myself become diminished in his eyes because I keep criticising and upsetting his lovely mother. It could all very easily go tits up, and I’m shockingly bad at confrontation anyway. I almost never do it because it terrifies me but I’ll feel so pathetic if I let it slide.

So I don’t know what to do. Do I speak to her about it risking a big blow up and upsetting my DH and painting myself as the bad guy (again)? Say nothing but be vigilant and gather evidence for the inevitable next time? If I speak to her, should I do it straight away or wait until after I’ve come back from the driving test? Btw, we had arranged for her to come here at a specific time but she has now said she will come an hour and a quarter earlier than planned, so she will be sitting around stressing me out before my test anyway. Maybe this would be less two faced, but then I don’t trust her not to talk a lot of shit about me to DH when I’m not there. Or maybe I should just speak to DH and tell him all this, possibly with the hope that we can speak to her together? But this feels like ganging up on her, plus DH isn’t too happy with me right now because of something else so I doubt it would go well. I just can’t see a way to come out on top, but I can’t just ignore it. I know the squash itself is a minor thing but deliberately doing the opposite of what I asked (and I really don’t ask for much!) is a huge problem for me, it indicates that I can’t fully trust her and that she doesn’t respect that I am DS’s mother. I want to stand up for DH too as I feel there is an element of emotional abuse there from her and that infuriates me on another level again.

So MNers that have made it to the end of this very long post, WWYD? How would you deal with this?

I'd be furious if she was giving him squash - the last thing kids need is a taste for sweet drinks. She won't be the one taking him to the dentist or trying to control his weight, later.

My last remark was in response to fox not vetinari. Apologies vetinari.

*Fox" don't be silly.

Of course, it's nothing to do with juice really, is it? It a matter of principle MIL should toe the line and do as she's told, or there will be consequences!

Of course, it's nothing to do with juice really, is it?

Actually, it seems to be a lot about juice and issues like juice. Modern, silly ideas...perhaps you wouldn't have heard.

Your MIL shouldn't have lied to your DH, and she should respect your instrument with regards to what she gives your DS to drink. But tbh you sound as bad as each other; your comment that you want to come out on top is very telling. You're at least as controlling as your MIL seems to be and yes, I agree with one PP, I pity your DH.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I think we're all capable of being controlling and need to give our heads a wobble sometimes.

He's only a baby and OP has managed to get him back to drinking just water. Lies and whatever else aside, what is the need to give him juice on the sly and potentially undo all that?

I’d be pissed off with my dc being given juice, the sugars can really rot teeth, I’d rather my cold wasn’t the toddler with blackened rotting teeth.

I wouldn’t use this MIL for childcare. You do need to sit down with your DP and tell him his mother is lying and disregarding your child’s health, and if she’s lying about something so small what’s going to happen when she takes it upon herself to overrule you over bigger issues. Also how will he feel taking your ds to get rotten teeth extracted?

Typically he will call her to speak to her about it, she will cry and apologise, he will get upset for upsetting his mother and I will end up feeling like shit for daring to question her.
So you asked her to give him water not juice ( as recommended as the high sugar content can cause tooth decay) and when you pull her up on it she cry's??????
Can no one ( on mil s side) not see this as super manipulative?
She's more or less saying I'll do
What I like regardless because I guess she know her son take her side for an easy life.
Like some pp earlier mil has trained him well.
Op I think you mentioned earlier you would have to go to mil yourself and not go through DH
I think you've hit the nail on the head.
DP can't handle his DM distress / anger. But I think you can. Be fair but firm.
Draw those healthy boundaries.
You can have a good relationship with MIL but on your terms.
Once she know you mean business she will respect you.
Good luck with your driving test

I really don't understand why people are being so hard on the OP. I'm a grandparent and I do a lot of childcare for my DD and my DS. They each have their own preferences and it's my job to make sure I remember and implement them - how can I expect them to trust me with their most precious charges if I don't? The OP's MIL is deliberately going against her express wishes and then lying about it. How is that ever acceptable or excusable?

Squash in itself isn’t that bad

Squash in a beaker is - really bad for teeth and developing teeth. Is better to be kept in a cup and only at mealtimes.

I assume that explaining this to grandma will be ignored?

nuttyknitter

Aren't all grandparents like this lol; always thinking they know best and undermining you whilst sneaking the kids sweets & fizzy drinks. I hear these stories all the time.

My dad and my partners dad think they know better than us parents, and what do we know?? I only gave birth to the bloody thing and know said child better than anyone in the world 🙄🙄🙄 I think, In their eyes we are still their children and I think they find it hard to look at us as grown ups competent enough to raise children of our own..perhaps we might be the same when we become grandparents.

Anyway It is frustrating and you have my sympathy.

It’s juice ff’s she’s not rolled him a Doobie!

Saving you £200+ a week in childcare does not make her the help. Obviously you have the final say on what your child eats or drinks, but behaving as if she's your unsatisfactory nanny isn't the way to make it work for everyone.

If you send him to nursery, he will mix with lots of other kids, will do lots of messy, fun activities that he would never do at home, will get used to the 'little school' environment so easing the transition to big school, will still be able to go if one of the staff is ill, and will make lots of new friends.The fire engines and cop cars will visit regularly, (well, they did for mine), and he will love being part of those and other visits.
Yes, all your pay will go in childcare - a lot of us have been there, but it is worth doing anyway as it keeps your NI contributions going towards your pension, and keeps your skill level up.
How about approaching your MIL with thanks (Bear with me!) and saying you appreciate all she has done and is doing, but do not want to overload her. You really appreciate her understanding that you are going to use a nursery (TELL her that she understands!! Crucial!) but ask if she would agree to being the VITAL emergency stand-by for if he is poorly and cannot go in?
Depending on one person who is known to be manipulative for child care is putting you in a precarious position, as if she suddenly decided not to play, or became unwell, you are left very suddenly high and dry. Can you bear to live with that level of uncertainty? Put your foot down too firmly and she will let you down, I guarantee it.
Sell your DH on the positives of nursery (leaving out all the reasons why MIL will not be suitable) and TELL MIL that she understands and agrees. Out-manipulate her, OP!

I'd have more sympathy if OP was anti-juice but it was fine when she was giving it to the child. Kids don't always act the same when away from home maybe he wouldn't drink at all or wouldn't settle so MIL didnt feel like she had a choice. I don't really blame her for lying if this is the reaction it gets.

I'd chew my right arm off for that amount of free childcare plus the overnights, if the worse bit was a bit of squash! Sorry OP but I thinks it's you that is too harsh here.

I'd have more sympathy if OP was anti-juice but it was fine when she was giving it to the child.

That's not fair. The OP has gone through a process of ultra diluting the juice until it contained no juice at all in order to get rid of juice. I have done this myself and would be bloody unimpressed at someone undoing all my conditioning in one fell swoop.

There's a good reason for it, you know. Juice in sippy cups is an abomination.

Chipping in to say use some form of paid help and grandparents for emergency cover/babysitting if you want a night off. Speaking from past and sad experience! It can all go wrong.

Agree with Bluetrews and ooglies.
You don’t want this friction in your marriage either.
I was very anti nursery for my first two and used family. My third is at a nursery and it’s fantastic. £55 a day but worth every penny and wish my older two had had some of the same experiences.

foxotterhare an abomination, good Lord. Get a sense of perspective. She clearly gave the child squash in the first place. I can see why it would be frustrating, I still think this response is OTT.

Do you find you lack a sense of humour generally podge?

I have only one comment on a thread that is not about squash, has your MiL ever heard or bottle caries? Until you have removed all 20 baby teeth from a three year old and fitted them with dentures, then you will not necessarily understand how bad drinking sugary drinks from bottles or sippy cups is. I suggest you show her the google images and then she might find some other way of undermining you and not harming your child's teeth.

Switch to paid childcare. Tell everyone you think the socialisation in nursery will be good for DS. If DH worries about his mum's feelings explain that you are doing this to save the relationship, he's going to end up with lots of phone calls and weeping if you use her as your sole childcare.

If you are willing to impose zero rules then you could arrange for her do childcare a day a week and have nursery the rest of the time.

@dontwannabelikethis18, honestly I'm on your side here. I have suffered similar constant undermining and lack of respect/boundaries from my MIL and tbh I wish I'd nipped it in the bud much, much sooner.

My MIL didn't change. She continues to ignore parental wishes 15 years later.

I've also seen my own mother (who more or less brought up my sisters vegetarian child) deliberately feed her meat against her mother's wishes because she believed she needed better feeding. She knew how strongly my sis felt about it but still did it behind her back daily!

I've come to the conclusion that the minute you give parents any responsibility over the care of your child your own wishes go out the window.

The only way to avoid this is to pay for professional childcare who will follow a care plan.

This isn't just about the juice.

Please pick your battles.
*
Water v juice is not worth splitting your family over.*

And my opinion on statements like the above ^ is why not turn that round from the mother and put it to the person causing the aggro?? MILS/Mother's **Please respect the child's parents, it's not your place to interfere and lying is disgusting.

Bit of an odd joke Fox but if you say so.

What Lordamighty said. Please spend your days more productively than fretting over this nonsense. Loads of sympathy for poor MIL.