Advice needed - how to deal with lying MIL?

[dontwannabelikethis18]

I need some advice on how to handle this and I don’t have anyone to ask in real life. It’s a MIL one, I’m afraid. Sorry, this is long.

I will start by staying that MIL is well known to be a very lovely and friendly woman, always smiling and thoughtful and so on. I have harboured the secret opinion that she uses these aspects of her personality to be very cheeky and entitled and even a little bit manipulative for a while. I would never say this to DH as he would be so hurt, but he himself has called her cheeky a few times so I don’t think it’s just me.

She adores DS and has been babysitting around once a week since the beginning of the year, which has been more for them to spend time together than anything. This has now moved onto him staying at hers overnight once a week, and she has also agreed to have him several times a week when I return to work hopefully in a few months time. I am grateful for the free childcare and we are to be honest depending on it quite a lot as my salary is relatively low, and to pay for childcare would make my returning to work financially pointless. I have had numerous concerns about her having him since the beginning of the year, all quite minor really but enough to make me worry and speak to DH. Typically he will call her to speak to her about it, she will cry and apologise, he will get upset for upsetting his mother and I will end up feeling like shit for daring to question her.

Recently DH collected DS (who is 1, btw) from hers and forgot his beaker. We were without it for a few weeks, the next time I saw it was when I was dropping DS off with her for another overnight stay. I went into her house and the beaker was sitting on her table and had blackcurrent squash in it. DS had been having very diluted squash for a while as it was the only way we could get him to drink water, but I was unhappy about it and had gradually made it weaker and weaker until he was fine with just plain water. I said to her I wanted him to just have water, and I emptied the beaker and re-filled it with just water. She chatted as I did this about how she didn’t think it would do any harm but agreed to just give him water.

A few days later and I’m unpacking DS’s things from him staying with her for two days as DH and I took a short break. The same beaker was in the bottom of his pushchair and I was surprised to see it as I thought it had become his beaker at his Gran’s house. It was filled with pineapple flavour squash. I was livid, and felt that this cemented the idea that had been secretly gnawing at me that she didn’t respect me as DS’s mother. I told DH when he came home a short while later and he as usual sided with me and called her. When he was finished he told me that she had said that she hadn’t filled it with squash, it was still filled from ages ago when he had left it there, and possibly because he was desperate to do so he believed her. When he relayed this to me I had a huge moment of relief as I thought I had just misunderstood, it took a few minutes for me to think, hang on, that’s bollocks. By this time he was so happy that it was resolved I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that his lovely mum had just lied to him.

I realised that I needed to start speaking to her myself instead of going through DH as she will just manipulate him. I was also determined to confront her about this the next time I see her. This will be tomorrow as she comes to us to take care of DS as I take my driving test. I don’t want to rile myself up before the test so planned to speak to her after I’ve come home, but this feels so underhanded, calling her out after I’ve used her as childcare again? I also didn’t want to tell DH as he will be totally devastated, he adores her and I’ve already heard him on the phone since that time apologising to her. I was going to call her out on the squash, the lying about it and manipulating DH and demanding that it all stops immediately or she can’t have him anymore. The thing is, DH will be in the house working from home at this time and if she decides to escalate the situation he will come out and become involved. I have no doubt that she is excellent at playing the victim, and I fear myself become diminished in his eyes because I keep criticising and upsetting his lovely mother. It could all very easily go tits up, and I’m shockingly bad at confrontation anyway. I almost never do it because it terrifies me but I’ll feel so pathetic if I let it slide.

So I don’t know what to do. Do I speak to her about it risking a big blow up and upsetting my DH and painting myself as the bad guy (again)? Say nothing but be vigilant and gather evidence for the inevitable next time? If I speak to her, should I do it straight away or wait until after I’ve come back from the driving test? Btw, we had arranged for her to come here at a specific time but she has now said she will come an hour and a quarter earlier than planned, so she will be sitting around stressing me out before my test anyway. Maybe this would be less two faced, but then I don’t trust her not to talk a lot of shit about me to DH when I’m not there. Or maybe I should just speak to DH and tell him all this, possibly with the hope that we can speak to her together? But this feels like ganging up on her, plus DH isn’t too happy with me right now because of something else so I doubt it would go well. I just can’t see a way to come out on top, but I can’t just ignore it. I know the squash itself is a minor thing but deliberately doing the opposite of what I asked (and I really don’t ask for much!) is a huge problem for me, it indicates that I can’t fully trust her and that she doesn’t respect that I am DS’s mother. I want to stand up for DH too as I feel there is an element of emotional abuse there from her and that infuriates me on another level again.

So MNers that have made it to the end of this very long post, WWYD? How would you deal with this?

Grandparents have been giving kids things their parents don't approve of (sweets etc) since time immemorial.
If you don't like it thats your right; but then you need to stop using her for free childcare. Simple.

She's never going to listen you might need to look for someone else if you can bear the juice issue?

I predict that if you fail your driving test you will blame your mil.
Suggestions:

Get a childminder
Look after you son yourself so that you can police his fluid intake.

The reality is she's not a paid employee, and if you choose to leave your child with someone, you do relinquish control to some extent.
Your child is not a possession, and has a right to a family life, and it's not on for you to threaten to stop access because you think MiL is disrespecting you.
The reasonable way to deal with this would be for your TH to tell his mother ( several times if necessary, the bc reasons why you don't want your baby to have squash. Give her dentist leaflets.
If she's a normal person she loves her grandchild and will want to do what's best for him., It's just she doesn't fully appreciate how bad squash is for little teeth. So she needs to b e politely educated.

BlowPoke is right in one very important respect in that this woman is not going to change. This is who she is and its not your fault she is the ways she is either. You did not make her that way, her own parents did that.

At the very least OP different childcare must be considered and she must not visit you at all prior to your driving test tomorrow. She wanting to turn up at her behest as well that much longer beforehand is deliberate, you are being set up to fail that because her presence will set you on edge.

I get that this isn't about the juice.

I can't think of a friend whose MIL actually listens when they are asked not to give the DC such and such (unless there are allergies).

Picking your battles is good advice. Why not just have a friendly word about it this time?

You use your MIL for free Childcare, presumably saving thousands.

Squash In a generally balanced diet
isnt going to leave any noticeable impact.

However it will ruin a lot of relationships if you can on going like you have been.

So what's important in life, whether your son has squash or all the relationships around you?

It is depressing how many on here see the worst in everyone. It's so cynical and sad to see that when a family member is willing to give up their free time, energy and money to help another it can be turned into a negative when they make a small mistake or dare to have an opinion. I speak as someone whose MIL is genuinely emotionally abusive and shows no interest in their grandkids, and wouldn't be trusted anyway.... It just makes me sad that people seem to actively look for the bad in others and skewer things to look for a hidden evil motive!
How do we know MIL isn't trying to help by coming early? I understand her lying as she is probably terrified of making a mistake as it seems every little thing is picked upon to the point of making her cry several times in the past.
If you have to be completely strict and have no understanding of leniency when it comes to the care of your child, then you should care for your child yourself as noone is going to fulfil your expectations.

I agree that free childcare is not free.

Unlike with paid childcare, you need to accept that MIL will largely do stuff her way and you will be unable to control this.
This may or may not be a deal breaker depending on how different her approach would be to yours. It's difficult OP.

No childcare is perfect, you just need to find a fit that you can find acceptable.

Personally I would find the juice thing infuriating but not necessarily a deal breaker. What is apparent is that she will ignore your instructions if she sees fit.

When I had ds and informed mil he would be vegetarian like my older dc she announced she would feed him meat if /when he was in her care.
So he simply never was ...
Cut back on the unsupervised visits.
Get a nursery place.
Take back your dc to parent as you choose.

MrsPuff

Sadly this woman that OP writes out is doing this to suit her own agenda. What would you reactions be if this was being done to you?.
Its not about wanting to see the worst in other people at all, manipulative people do act like this and set their own agenda here.

She is not helping re OPs forthcoming driving test, she has herself decided to turn up 75 minutes beforehand. Its not help if it is imposed upon a person.

OP -
Since the manipulator’s agenda is to look for and exploit your weaknesses, it is understandable that you may feel inadequate, or even blame yourself for not satisfying the manipulator. In these situations, it’s important to remember that you are not the problem; you’re simply being manipulated to feel bad about yourself, so that you’re more likely to surrender your power and rights. Ask yourself the following re the relationship with his mother:-

Am I being treated with genuine respect?
Are this person’s expectations and demands of me reasonable?
Is the giving in this relationship primarily one way or two ways?
Ultimately, do I feel good about myself in this relationship?

Firstly I need to start by saying I usually side with the DIL on these threads.

But you are going totally over the top here. You seriously need to pick your battles.

Seriously? It’s squash. If this is genuinely the worst thing you’ve got to complain about (which presumably it is or you’d have talked about something else as your example) then you are making an entire continent out of a molehill. The odd glass of squash at hers isn’t going to harm him, especially if he’s drinking just water with you, but it takes two seconds to say “no squash, just water” and leave it at that. You can’t seriously accuse her of emotional abuse over this. Even if she was knowingly lying about the pineapple squash and not just confused about what she was being asked, it’s an isolated incident. You also don’t know she was deliberately going against your wishes, perhaps she’d forgotten you’d said no squash or perhaps your kid kicked up a fuss and she gave in (an then tried to cover up afterwards because she felt guilty). You are attributing a lot of negativity to what is a really minor infraction. Then on top of that you have the cheek to use her for free childcare! If you genuinely think she’s abusive (🙄) you need to stop putting your child in her care and you’ll just have to suck up the consequences of that.

Wow, I was expecting some flaming but not that much! I do very much accept that squash is a small issue, but it’s the fact that I specifically asked not to give it then her doing it anyway that made me livid. It felt like the gazillionth time she had trampled over what I wanted with my own child. Then the lying about it, which made me out to be falsely accusing DHs mother and then made DH apologise to her when he has nothing to apologise for and making him feel guilty in order to not have to own her own actions - yes, I call that emotional abuse and yes, it angers me. I have not given any other examples because contrary to what some posters see I am not trying to do another “MIL bashing” thread, I’m really not! On the whole we get along and I want to continue to do so, but I don’t see why I have to accept that kind of behaviour in order to facilitate that. I was just wanting to seek advice on this particular issue only, although I do see that only giving this example does make it look petty of me.

I would be more than happy to pay for childcare too but it would mean telling DH that I don’t want her having him anymore and that would upset him so much. I would need a good reason, but this is my point, if she gets away with lying when I do point out a reason then I don’t have a good reason. I just have what appears to DH to be me spiting his mother for no reason. And DS and her do have a lovely relationship and I don’t want to take that away from either of them. I just want her to respect my wishes and not manipulate DH.

I am grateful for the free childcare and we are to be honest depending on it quite a lot as my salary is relatively low, and to pay for childcare would make my returning to work financially pointless.

Its almost always worth going back to work, or before you know it you're having to start again at the bottom

From what you have written here, it doesn't seem that bad, but there must be more.
I think you should go back to work, and pay for child care,

Sorry OP..if you are not happy about her having your child totally you should make alternative plans.You can;t pick and choose.You are not in a position to dictate how your child should be brought up unless you are doing it yourself.You can;t expect her to follow your rules to the letter thats why shes lying I would guess.Grandparents usually are fun over indulgant people who on the whole love and get all the good bits of children without the aggro parents get! Ease off a little and accept she adores your little one and is a competent person to take great care your child.Maybe not in your way but her own..she has done it all before remember! If you are not happy with her care then it has to be no care at all.She has really done nothing wrong in the grand scheme of things except for refusing to bow down to your ideas which she doesnt agree with so won;t follow! Its up to you wether you can live with that but you can;t have all the childcare and all the rules, its a bit unreasonable.Sorry! I think it might be best if you have a think about whats more important to you ..if you cant live with the fact shes like this then and you dont have to remember its your child,,then you need to rethink totally your childcare options...like I say you dont have to have her looking after your little one you can make alternative arrangements and thats fine too.

4 days a week and an overnight is easier £200 a week in childcare. She’s saving you £9600 a year. You need to let the squash go.

I’m seeing a lot of advice to pick my battles, perhaps that is advice I should take. I do appreciate that free childcare is not free, and as such there is a lot that I do let her do despite being unhappy about it. I did say to DH when I spoke to him about that if she was going to ignore the one thing I asked her do I didn’t know if I would want to use her as childcare when I go back to work, because I need to be able to trust that what I want will be carried out. That it’s squash this time but next time it will be x,y, z if she knows she can just ignore what I ask. This is what led to her lying about it, because she wants to keep having him. If I say nothing now and we carry on then there will be something else another time, there always has been.

Btw, I most definitely will not blame MIL if I fail the driving test! It will be my nerves if anything and I’ve known that long before this happened. Some of you are a little too harsh!

Thank you for all your replies btw, it really is useful, even the ones flaming me

"I do appreciate that free childcare is not free, and as such there is a lot that I do let her do despite being unhappy about it".

That should not happen. Manipulative people as I have already said are master manipulators and his mother has had many years in which to perfect her skills. You and your DH are putty in her hands.

Your DH too has had years of such conditioning at her hands and thinks all this from her is normal. You have not come from such a family and infact your family is likely to be far more healthy in an emotional sense. His mother is not a good person for any of you to be at all around due to her behaviours towards you all.

Its not just a question either of choosing your battles. You also need firm, higher and consistent and consistently applied boundaries re his mother. Do not let her into your home 75 minutes before your driving test either; that is a boundary you can easily achieve here.

Jesus - why not just talk to her? Converse - i.e. talk WITH not AT her to explain your thinking about why you'd rather the child not have squash. ASK about her memories of bringing up a child and come to an mutual agreement of what is and isn't acceptable. Can't be that difficult, surely??

Remember you are entitled to your own interpretations of what is going on, you don’t have to follow your partner’s take on it. If you feel something is wrong about your MILs relationship with your child then it is.

Why don’t you gently explain to MIL why you don’t want your son drinking squash?

If she understood that it was a health issue then it’s highly unlikely she’d give it to him again.

I know you say there are other examples but again, if properly explained as to why you’d rather she didn’t do x y z then perhaps she wouldn’t do them.

Jeez, all this over a cup of squash. I mean seriously, 🙄

And DS and her do have a lovely relationship and I don’t want to take that away from either of them

I think that's exactly what you want to do.