Advice needed - how to deal with lying MIL?

[dontwannabelikethis18]

I need some advice on how to handle this and I don’t have anyone to ask in real life. It’s a MIL one, I’m afraid. Sorry, this is long.

I will start by staying that MIL is well known to be a very lovely and friendly woman, always smiling and thoughtful and so on. I have harboured the secret opinion that she uses these aspects of her personality to be very cheeky and entitled and even a little bit manipulative for a while. I would never say this to DH as he would be so hurt, but he himself has called her cheeky a few times so I don’t think it’s just me.

She adores DS and has been babysitting around once a week since the beginning of the year, which has been more for them to spend time together than anything. This has now moved onto him staying at hers overnight once a week, and she has also agreed to have him several times a week when I return to work hopefully in a few months time. I am grateful for the free childcare and we are to be honest depending on it quite a lot as my salary is relatively low, and to pay for childcare would make my returning to work financially pointless. I have had numerous concerns about her having him since the beginning of the year, all quite minor really but enough to make me worry and speak to DH. Typically he will call her to speak to her about it, she will cry and apologise, he will get upset for upsetting his mother and I will end up feeling like shit for daring to question her.

Recently DH collected DS (who is 1, btw) from hers and forgot his beaker. We were without it for a few weeks, the next time I saw it was when I was dropping DS off with her for another overnight stay. I went into her house and the beaker was sitting on her table and had blackcurrent squash in it. DS had been having very diluted squash for a while as it was the only way we could get him to drink water, but I was unhappy about it and had gradually made it weaker and weaker until he was fine with just plain water. I said to her I wanted him to just have water, and I emptied the beaker and re-filled it with just water. She chatted as I did this about how she didn’t think it would do any harm but agreed to just give him water.

A few days later and I’m unpacking DS’s things from him staying with her for two days as DH and I took a short break. The same beaker was in the bottom of his pushchair and I was surprised to see it as I thought it had become his beaker at his Gran’s house. It was filled with pineapple flavour squash. I was livid, and felt that this cemented the idea that had been secretly gnawing at me that she didn’t respect me as DS’s mother. I told DH when he came home a short while later and he as usual sided with me and called her. When he was finished he told me that she had said that she hadn’t filled it with squash, it was still filled from ages ago when he had left it there, and possibly because he was desperate to do so he believed her. When he relayed this to me I had a huge moment of relief as I thought I had just misunderstood, it took a few minutes for me to think, hang on, that’s bollocks. By this time he was so happy that it was resolved I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that his lovely mum had just lied to him.

I realised that I needed to start speaking to her myself instead of going through DH as she will just manipulate him. I was also determined to confront her about this the next time I see her. This will be tomorrow as she comes to us to take care of DS as I take my driving test. I don’t want to rile myself up before the test so planned to speak to her after I’ve come home, but this feels so underhanded, calling her out after I’ve used her as childcare again? I also didn’t want to tell DH as he will be totally devastated, he adores her and I’ve already heard him on the phone since that time apologising to her. I was going to call her out on the squash, the lying about it and manipulating DH and demanding that it all stops immediately or she can’t have him anymore. The thing is, DH will be in the house working from home at this time and if she decides to escalate the situation he will come out and become involved. I have no doubt that she is excellent at playing the victim, and I fear myself become diminished in his eyes because I keep criticising and upsetting his lovely mother. It could all very easily go tits up, and I’m shockingly bad at confrontation anyway. I almost never do it because it terrifies me but I’ll feel so pathetic if I let it slide.

So I don’t know what to do. Do I speak to her about it risking a big blow up and upsetting my DH and painting myself as the bad guy (again)? Say nothing but be vigilant and gather evidence for the inevitable next time? If I speak to her, should I do it straight away or wait until after I’ve come back from the driving test? Btw, we had arranged for her to come here at a specific time but she has now said she will come an hour and a quarter earlier than planned, so she will be sitting around stressing me out before my test anyway. Maybe this would be less two faced, but then I don’t trust her not to talk a lot of shit about me to DH when I’m not there. Or maybe I should just speak to DH and tell him all this, possibly with the hope that we can speak to her together? But this feels like ganging up on her, plus DH isn’t too happy with me right now because of something else so I doubt it would go well. I just can’t see a way to come out on top, but I can’t just ignore it. I know the squash itself is a minor thing but deliberately doing the opposite of what I asked (and I really don’t ask for much!) is a huge problem for me, it indicates that I can’t fully trust her and that she doesn’t respect that I am DS’s mother. I want to stand up for DH too as I feel there is an element of emotional abuse there from her and that infuriates me on another level again.

So MNers that have made it to the end of this very long post, WWYD? How would you deal with this?

I did explain my reasonings when I asked her not to give him squash, I didn’t just bark an order at her! And again, it isn’t simply the squash but the doing the opposite of what she agreed to do and then lying that I’m trying to deal with here. The squash by itself is not the issue. I’m sorry if I haven’t made that clear.

I think I shall just do as PP have suggested and simply reiterate my request to just give him water rather than sitting her down and having a protracted conversation about it.

I don’t think you like your MIL at all. Just be honest instead of trying to find excuses.

Trying to JADE i.e. justify, argue, defend or explain is patently useless against someone like his mother. Put your point of view across once and once only. I would also now start looking for alternative childcare because she clearly only wants to do her own thing here.

She does not have a loving relationship with your son mainly and simply because she sidelines your wishes as parents and treats you both with the contempt she thinks that you in particular deserve. You are acting as rank amateurs when up against such manipulation from her.

Op, you're taking something relatively minor and Turning it into a family splitting event. The things you're saying about yourur mother in law, the fact you want to get in there and say them without your husband's knowledge and involvement is nothing short of abusive.

If you don't like her, or you don't wish to go back to work, and think if you can stop her caring for your child then you won't have to, then talk to your husband. But this is appalling.

Stop the child care plans unless your mil agrees to how you want your child looked after. That is not a big ask. When relatives purposely ignore a parents wishes it is passive aggressive and underlines the fact that they don't really like you, so won't be doing anything you say. How can you then entrust your child to this nasty behaviour?
I had a fantastic mil who would never ever dream of undermining me and a mother who was the difficult one.
In the end I saw my in-laws every week and only my mil babysat and my own mother I eventually went NC.
So it will as you say get worse with time unless you address it now and if mil won't stop ignoring your wishes then stop the care. I really don't see any other option because you aren't going to enjoy work if worrying about what mil is doing with your son.

I think I shall just do as PP have suggested and simply reiterate my request to just give him water rather than sitting her down and having a protracted conversation about it.

And that is EXACTLY why you will never have a good relationship with her.

I'm not flaming you at all but free childcare comes at a cost. My own mother never minded my kids if it didn't suit her and often tried to mind them when I didn't need her to, but yet she expect me to be in a perpetual state of gratitude and did the whole Martyr Beast or Rage Beast thing if I wasn't grateful enough. Lack of gratitude meant doing something that she'd advised me not to do, so it was difficult. She wanted disobedience in return for the childcare but she hadn't the insight to understand that herself. Every time I challenged her it was a fight and she rose up in martyred rage.

I think you have to take a deep breath and weigh up all of the various costs. Not just financial.

If i was getting free flexible childcare that was enabling me to go back to work (bloody priceless, btw), i'd try and get a bit sneaky with the squaah thing. Buy the weakest squash you can find, and ask MIL to only give him that.

Look, I had a tiresome MIL and a vile toxic GMIL. Managing them needed a bit of work, but it was possible. Picking your battles is key. Sometimes i had to suck it up and try to Zen out, sometimes i had to go a bit nuclear. If you dont go mad everytime, then it has more mpact when you do actually put your foot down over something.

Please pick your battles.

Water v juice is not worth splitting your family over.

I've got my dgs5 staying with me over the weekend, which he does regularly. He's sitting beside me on the sofa, having had 2 ice lollies and 2 pans au Chocolat for breakfast. Poor OP would go into a tailspin and disappear up her own exhaust!

You have said it felt like the "gazillionth" time she had trampled over your wishes, but contradict this elsewhere. Are there other examples of her going against your wishes, or is this one incident the sole one? If so you are being quite OTT, and I'd sympathise with your DH being caught in the middle.

Dont use her for childcare and then she cant give it to him

TBH I would not leave one of my DCs unsupervised with someone I couldn't trust to look after them in a way I thought was acceptable, or trust to tell me the truth about what they had been doing.

It's squash ffs. If that's your only problem with mil then you really have it easy. Learn to pick your battles. Imo gp's are allowed to be a bit naughty with gc.

Speaking as a grandmother sometimes it is hard to remember all the "rules" especially if said grandchild is kicking off.
I was 'told off" yesterday by DS for giving the 3 year old a Jaffa cake, because he had been a good boy and eaten all his dinner. I told Ds that when he stopped taking his Dc's to McDonalds I would listen to his ideas on healthy eating. We have a good relationship, he (and DIL) appreciate any childcare that we do, and he laughed at my comment and said "touche"
I think the OP is way OTT, we are none of us perfect, and in my opinion she should be more than grateful for the free childcare, has she any idea how tiring it can be looking after a little one when you are older, believe me it is?
There is an answer for her send pfb to nursery if you don't like how she looks after the child.
Send around a pack of those nestle bottles of water with the "sucky tops" and ask her to use them. If he only drinks squash at Nanna's/Granny's house does it matter?
Really?
I mean really??

Look, MIL brought DH up to be such an ok person that you married him! Doesn't that give you the info you need to see she's not completely clueless? Has he got a full set of teeth or have they all dropped out from too much squash? Doh!

The issue on these threads is that the OP is always so angry at their mils. But also has every excuse under the sun, as to why they can't stop using them as childcare.

Simple fact is that these issues aren't big enough to make the parent stop using them for childcare but is big enough to cause issues and slag their MIL off.

So your MIL managed to raise your DH without poisoning him?
And now gives you free flexible childcare?
And you want to have a family-splitting argument over squash?

Please tell me (child if the 80s) exactly which element of squash is so heinous that it’s worth dividing a family?

Grandparents spoil grandkids - don’t deny your DS the people that love him for the sake of sugar. It’s really not worth it.

I'm all for parents having final say in all things relating to their children but .....juice?? OMG massive over reaction

I would have been more inclined to say you are right and MIL is wrong if you had come up with something a little more life changing than juice.

Poor MIL no wonder she is lying - she is probably terrified of you.

Veterinari That's ridiculous. That sort of thinking applies when the child goes to Grandma on a Sunday afternoon. Because what you do one day in the week probably won't hurt you. But if the child is spending 50% of their time at Grandma's, I'm sorry but the state of their teeth are as important as the relationship. And if Grandma can't make a teeny change so a small child can be spared the pain of fillings and possibly rotten second teeth when they come down, she's not much of a Grandma.

As I said, vetinari DH hasn't had all his teeth drop out - and he would have spent 100% of his time at MIL's!
(Of course, if he's toothless, I'm wrong and I apologise!)

Singlenotsingle

Now you mention it, let's go right back to the 70's. All those charts showing improvements in children's development, health etc. - all bollocks. That can be for someone else's children. What's the point of NHS guidelines anyway. Dentists are sissies. Let's scrap vaccines and healthy school meals too. Worthless crap, the lot of it. Because look how many of us are still here to tell the tale. Must be bullshit.

I wish I had your MIL!

Loads of free childcare plus once a week overnight stays...

And all this anger because she gives him some squash?! Wow. Just, wow.

She probably ‘lied’ as she didn’t want the situation to create any silly, pointless drama.

Wow sounds like your MIL looks after your Child ALOT
If I was in your shoes I would be utterly grateful for the free childcare, YABVU and should let a little squash go considering what she does for you...

Unfortunately, free childcare from family often comes with annoyances like this. You need to decide whether you need the free childcare, in which case you need to suck this up, or whether it is unacceptable to you (understandable, I would not like the lying either) in which case you need to make other childcare plans. At the moment, she has you over a barrel because she knows you need her help.