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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't hate me! Help me fix it.

104 replies

Veganvibes · 15/09/2018 18:39

I know this won't be popular but I need advice.
I've been sleeping with a married colleauge for the past 2 weeks. We were both clear it was just sex but he has become very attached very quickly and constantly wants to talk about where we are and how we feel. Although he's never talked about leaving his family I can't help but feel this is where its heading.
I don't want this at all.
We still need to work together in a highly corporate environment so I need some advice on how to stop this before it goes any further.

I am fully aware it's wrong too so please save yourself some time if all you want to do is bash me.

OP posts:
JungWan · 16/09/2018 01:46

True, the married man needs validation. I think there are occasionally OW who don't have damaged self-esteems but it is a dysfunction of sorts or at the very least a self-destructive attachment style.

AprilGal · 16/09/2018 01:50

Agree!

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/09/2018 01:53

My advice would be: don't shit where you eat.

HTH

PurpleFlower1983 · 16/09/2018 07:19

He’s had his leg over and has developed infatuation. He’ll soon come to his senses so don’t kid yourself that this is heading anywhere. Cut him off now.

TooManyPuppies · 16/09/2018 07:55

that is a little bit harsh, we don't know these people and who are we to play Judge and Jury,

Not harsh at all. Not as harsh as it should be. Anyone who knowingly does what she did deserves all the bad karma life can sling. Had she not known he was married would be a different story. But she did. And they work closely. Both a bad combination. No sympathy here. She doesn't want repercussions but she did and is still doing what she's doing, and now wants "help" to "fix" it. Give me a break.

Thatsfuckingshit · 16/09/2018 08:17

So he spent his Saturday night with you. Not his wife?

And while he is there you are trying to work how to tell him to fuck off.

Don't get involved with men in relationships. He is a dick. So are you.

Thatsfuckingshit · 16/09/2018 08:18

Oh and the time to worry about work repucussions was before you had sex with him.

vanillapieandicecream · 16/09/2018 08:43

Well, there is always repercussions for your actions.

You are going to have to suck it up.

'I'm sorry, this isn't working for me. I don't want to do this any more.'

And then stick to your word. Do not cross the boundaries again.

Virtuallyconfused · 16/09/2018 09:43

I think the flattery approach is the right one.

I'm sorry but you're just the kind of guy i could see myself really falling for, and I don't want to cause myself, or you, that pain.

As for the OW bashing...this is a relationships thread. Some people have relationships that bridge across marriages. We can't seek advice?

TooManyPuppies · 16/09/2018 10:14

Absolutely you can. But ask a question in a public forum and be prepared that not everyone will agree when you're doing something blatantly wrong... If you're sensitive to being told the truth, best not to ask.

Original poster
Veganvibes · 16/09/2018 10:15

I don't know what he's told his wife, I've never asked. He spends most evenings and nights with me, which admittedly has not helped his attachment.

Thank you for the (genuinely) helpful responses.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 16/09/2018 10:22

Is he senior to you OP? I don’t understand what repercussions there could be if he isn’t?

End it, firmly and immediately.

Don’t react to anything he says or does. Then there won’t be repercussions.

I don’t think what you’ve done is the right thing, at all. I also think that you shouldn’t be the target of all the vitriol because he’s as bad.

So, if you were to bear all the consequences of this and he got off scot free it would be shit.

However, I think you do need to understand how you got here so it never happens again. Because having sex with a married man is a really awful thing to do.

Original poster
Veganvibes · 16/09/2018 10:31

I'm senior to him, if this was to become public knowledge it could have serious consequences.as in career ending for me.

I got here by sheer stupidity!! I deemed that any harm caused by my involvement with a married man is an acceptable price for getting what I want. It was selfish and stupid. I have no defence.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 16/09/2018 10:32

I'm senior to him, if this was to become public knowledge it could have serious consequences.as in career ending for me

Then you need to find another job before it comes to that and take this as a very hard lesson.

PurpleFlower1983 · 16/09/2018 10:35

Oh dear, I would start plan B in case you end up out of a job.

Angelf1sh · 16/09/2018 10:47

Well this is obviously bullshit because he’s not going to be offering to leave his wife after (at the most) 14 hook ups, you’re not going to still invite him over on a Saturday night if you already want to end it and you certainly wouldn’t be on MN if he was there for a fling because he’d be shagging you and then leaving.

Annyyywaaayyy. On the off chance someone reading it is in need of advice - delete all evidence from your phone and his and then tell him it’s over. Say you’ll only be talking about work matters from now on and stick to it, don’t engage with him on any other subject. Deny everything if he makes a complaint to HR (you’d deserve it if you have used your senior position over him btw) and look for another job.

someonekillbabyshark · 16/09/2018 10:53

Think how his poor wife will feel after this, it's called karma and this is what you get Smile

YeTalkShiteHen · 16/09/2018 10:57

I’m uncomfortable with the idea of him just swanning off unaffected I have to say.

It’s his wife I feel for, she didn’t ask for or cause any of this.

Peachsnowpop · 16/09/2018 11:22

we need to understand what repercussions there could be, ahead of giving any advice. As another posted said, is he your boss ?

loveyoutothemoon · 16/09/2018 11:24

I reckon if he's with you every night, the wife is bound to know something is going on, and she might have already found out about you because she's been digging. You see this scenario so much on MN. Be prepared for it to all come out any day from now. Not being very discreet are you?!

Peachsnowpop · 16/09/2018 11:29

crossed posts, just seen you are senior to him.

He will have evidence of the affair which you wont be able to change unless you can access his phone/email and delete everything but even then the phone messages and emails may be backed up and deleting that lot will be v difficult I imagine.

It sounds like he knows that exposing the affair will be disastrous for you, but is he willing to lose his wife/family over it because by exposing to cause you grief will in turn ruin his home life for him so he will be left with no one as you don't want him.

Chiffon · 16/09/2018 12:22

Are you his direct boss?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 16/09/2018 12:23

So where does his wife think he is when he's shagging you on a Saturday night? Are you military or something?

PlinkPlink · 16/09/2018 12:36

Some people are incapable of leaving a comment without getting a snide remark in.

Holier than thou some of this fucking lot Hmm

You need to be honest with him and say this was never going to go anywhere. Be clear and concise. Explain that he was married and you only wanted a fling. Nothing serious. Now you're worried he's getting too involved. You don't want to stop being friends and good colleagues. But if he's getting too involved perhaps you need some time apart and some distance (obviously unavoidable at work).

It's very unlikely he'll expose you. If he does, he'll ruin not only your relationship with him but also destroy his marriage and destroy the trust of his children. It will break their hearts. So he has alot to lose.

Once you've done that, make sure you never, ever get into this situation again.

YeTalkShiteHen · 16/09/2018 12:37

PlinkPlink I haven’t.

However, if the roles were reversed and this was a man senior to a woman in a sexual relationship which could compromise his career the replies would be a lot, lot worse.

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