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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't hate me! Help me fix it.

104 replies

Veganvibes · 15/09/2018 18:39

I know this won't be popular but I need advice.
I've been sleeping with a married colleauge for the past 2 weeks. We were both clear it was just sex but he has become very attached very quickly and constantly wants to talk about where we are and how we feel. Although he's never talked about leaving his family I can't help but feel this is where its heading.
I don't want this at all.
We still need to work together in a highly corporate environment so I need some advice on how to stop this before it goes any further.

I am fully aware it's wrong too so please save yourself some time if all you want to do is bash me.

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 15/09/2018 20:26

Oh yea okay then , he’s really there and your posting away on mumsnet 😂😂. So it would seem that you’re either lying about
A) wanting to try to break if off as why agree to meet on a Saturday night?
B) he isn’t really there with you and you just want to seek attention by posting
My guess is b 💁🏻

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 15/09/2018 20:28

@IhatetheArchers ermehhgawwd 😂 360 feedback corporate style , I’m creasing

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2018 20:34

It’s Saturday night. Where does his wife think he is?

safetyfreak · 15/09/2018 20:38

He is there right now? Oh hello!

RyderWhiteSwan · 15/09/2018 20:43

I except they're busy enthusiastically restoring just in time quality vectors.

(Courtesy of the corporate bullshit generator Grin)

AgentJohnson · 15/09/2018 21:23

We work very closely together and I don't want any repercussions

Don't roll the dice if you don't want to take the risk. There's no sure fire way to guarantee the outcome. So just be as firm as possible.

Butterymuffin · 15/09/2018 21:26

Just tell him that you've realised now this is a big mistake and the best thing is to end it straight away. Monday morning you need to ask for a transfer to a different team and say it's a clash of personalities. Or start job hunting.

SylvanianFrenemies · 15/09/2018 21:28

Show him this thread?

LargeGlassOfPepsi · 15/09/2018 21:31

He's actually here at the moment so I can assure you I don't need attention or an ego boost

He has a wife FFS. You have no morals IMO to sleep with a married man. I wonder what his wife is doing while you're sat there with her husband? Do the decent thing, just end it and tell him to tell him his wife you've both shagged around. She deserves more than you pair creeping around behind her back. Aw far as I'm I'm concerned you deserve everything you have coming to you and you have absolutely no right to try and protect yourselves from repercussions at work due to your affair.

Charlie97 · 15/09/2018 21:35

Do you honestly think you're special or the first affair for him? He's a cunt, your a shag and he will do it again and again.

You're not special, you're just easy for him.

But do enjoy

funnylittlefloozie · 15/09/2018 21:59

Dont take this the wrong way but if you two have been shagging for only two weeks, are together on a Saturday night, and you're piddling about on Mumsnet, this is NOT the affair of the century. He's got his dick wet, and now he's bored and looking for his next sneaky shag. Kiss him goodbye, tell him no hard feelings, and find yourself a proper man that you don't have to share with anyone else.

IhatetheArchers · 15/09/2018 22:05

Possibly the op is simultaneously shagging and on mums net, thus demonstrating her ability to multitask, if not appropriately prioritise.

rageymcrageface · 15/09/2018 22:15

What's the issue? He's married, but I didn't read that you are? What repercussions are you worried about? Surely he has more to lose than you if he starts any shit when you end it? Which you absolutely should. Tonight.

Rebecca36 · 15/09/2018 22:27

Tell him honestly that you do not want a committed relationship with, it was fun while it lasted but is over now.

PerverseConverse · 15/09/2018 23:00

What is wrong with all these OW and their constant need for attention via attention seeking "Oh I'm so confused/don't know what to do/it was only/I don't know how to end it/I'm worried about what will happen now" posts yada yada yada. Should have thought about all that before you dropped your knickers shouldn't you. Are you that desperate that you need to shag someone else's husband? I have no sympathy for people like you. You knew what you were doing so you deserve every second of disquiet over this.

AprilGal · 15/09/2018 23:13

"I am fully aware it's wrong too so please save yourself some time if all you want to do is bash me."

You already know its wrong, that said I am not going to add fuel to the fire, why do married people cheat - I honestly do not know, everyone is different, and all relationships are different, hence lots of factors that could have lead you to this situation.

However, I do wonder if you are not enjoying the attention / attachment of this man, - why have you not yet done the sensible thing and ended it, as for your working environment going forward it is going to be extremely awkward, if he really is that attached to you within 2 weeks, working with you side by side in the future could be almost impossible for him.

venuvichy · 15/09/2018 23:34

The easy but immoral way to save your reputation is to find another “boyfriend” very quickly, even if it’s just a male friend you are pretending is your boyfriend and say you’ve been seeing him for (however long you’ve been shagging colleague.) If the shit hits the fan, you have the boyfriend back up and if the married guy becomes obsessive he will not look good to others and you can minimise what happened... eg “well we flirted... but how he can read all of that from mild flirtation I don’t know...”

The moral thing to do is continue to be honest with married colleague and make sure he understands the absolute shit storm that will occur if he tries to leave his wife for you. Ie - everyone hurt - parents, children, wife. Reputation shattered, career and money prospects potentially fucked

TooManyPuppies · 16/09/2018 00:57

I don't want any repercussions

Bit late for that. And you deserve everything that comes your way.

JustlikeDevon · 16/09/2018 01:12

Ah op you are getting a right bashing.

You know you shouldn't be shagging him. I think you are being naive by assuming he's ready to leave his wife: he isn't, he's keeping you on a short leash.

My advice. Finish it. Ignore him. It will hurt but he's not yours and never will be.

SandyY2K · 16/09/2018 01:15

How difficult can it be to end a 2 week fling.

Tell him you've had second thoughts and feel really bad about the whole thing.

Add that you could never be in a proper relationship with him because of how it started as an affair (in case he has any toughts of leaving his wife), and you'd like to keep it purely professional.

AprilGal · 16/09/2018 01:26

"don't want any repercussions

Bit late for that. And you deserve everything that comes your way"

Toomanypuppies - that is a little bit harsh, we don't know these people and who are we to play Judge and Jury, they know it's wrong, but it happens in real life, with roughly half of all marriages ending in divorce, and quite high stats of those staying married one of them thinks about cheating or actually does it, there will be a lot of individuals out there in the same boat!

For the record, never been married nor cheated, so don't condone this behaviour, but certainly know what makes men be driven away and what has driven me away.

AprilGal · 16/09/2018 01:32

"What is wrong with all these OW and their constant need for attention via attention seeking" - Perverseconverse, why is it the OW always get the blame, takes 2 to tango!

The question should be "what is wrong with the marriage, why does the husband cheat" one could say he has a nagging moaning wife, let herself go and makes his life hell? One could say he is just a serial cheater in his genes?

The truth is, it is the husband and the OW who are both at fault, why would anyone with a rock solid happy relationship cheat?

Stop always blaming the OW, look at the husband's behaviour and the state of the relationship in question, then you will find the answers.

JungWan · 16/09/2018 01:34

id tell him you've met somebody single.

JungWan · 16/09/2018 01:37

@aprilgal, I agree with you and I think OW have a much higher tendency to have low self-esteem than the wife. The wife might be devastated when she finds out but before she finds out, she's in a good place, usually. So I think it's married men capitalising on the low self-esteem of women who venture into their orbit however peripherally. They sense it. who will buy my bullshit. They have a nose for it.

AprilGal · 16/09/2018 01:43

@JungWan some OW are extremely confident and know what they are about, some are caught in a web of lies if the person in question is a Player, who lies about their status. The cheating spouse can have an even lower self esteem, hence their need to cheat in the first place, so many scenarios and ifs, but just purely blaming the OW is usually the norm, without looking at the husbands behaviour or state of the relationship.