Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

One of my (male) friends has ^really^ upset me

65 replies

yowch · 09/06/2007 09:54

He is a good friend - the sort of friends you can spend 4 hours on the phone to - every night for a week.

We are both single, but as he doesn't want a meaningful sex, and I won't have casual sex, we decided a long time ago that it's best left.

Well, Thursday night, he wanted to come over and have sex. And I thought about it, I thought damn hard about it, but I said no. Spent ages reassuring him that he's not ugly etc - it's just not something I want to do. Last night I found out (he told me) that he had slept with another friend of ours on Tuesday night.

And, to my shock, I am horrified! The problem being - I told him so. I am furious that he has so little regard for me, to risk riding roughshod over my feelings just to get laid, when he has already found someone who is quite happy to have casual sex with him. I told him that while he is very perceptive, and I appreciate that, he has rather cruelly used it to his advantage to figure out people's emotions and try to make them do what he wants them to do.

I basically told him that he has abused his position as a friend, and I'm appalled that he would think to treat me like a piece of meat when we are supposed to be friends. Because he didn't just ask in passing, he spent a long time trying to convince me it was a good idea.

Now I'm hurt, he's upset that he's hurt me (he is sensitive, that's why I'm so shocked)

Where does a friendship go from there!?

OP posts:

Carmenere · 09/06/2007 09:58

You are jealous.

lemonstartree · 09/06/2007 10:02

if he is a 'friend' he can have sex with who ever he wants to

if he is your partner you have a reason to be upset

if he dosn't want to commit to you ( and he has said so) and you dont want casual sex then your 'relationship' has no future

ergo he can have sex with whomever he wants

agree , you are jealous.

Original poster

yowch · 09/06/2007 10:03

Maybe - but had he not hit on me I would care who else he got it on with - he's always getting it on with women. He's always been like that.

But more angry that while he knows I won't do casual sex, he spent an hour trying to convince me what a great idea it would be - then I found out it wasn't even because he was desperate for sex! He was just bored!

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/06/2007 10:03

Why do you need a so called friend like this in your life anyway?. He may be good to talk to (examine the conversations though, is it all about him and his various problems?) but he shows you no respect. Even though he knows your views re casual sex he still wanted to come over and have intercourse. I am wondering why he is so surprised at your reaction - your views are known to him. You were right to tell him.

Think you need to expand your own horizons and make some new friends. It sounds like you outgrew all this a long time ago.

Original poster

yowch · 09/06/2007 10:03

Had he not hit on me I wouldn't care who else he got it on with

OP posts:

Pinkchampagne · 09/06/2007 10:04

I'm a bit confused here. If he is just a male friend then why would it upset you that he has had sex with someone?
Do you want more than just frienship with this guy?

kittylette · 09/06/2007 10:05

He hit on you, you said no,so he found someone else to shag,

Hes not your boyfriend so why should you care?

Get over him, move on.

Pinkchampagne · 09/06/2007 10:05

Sorry x posts.

kimi · 09/06/2007 10:05

why would you want to be friends or anything else with someone who has so little respect for themselves? He ask you for sex and when you said no he rang round till he found someone with morals as low as his.

Yuck!!!!!!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/06/2007 10:06

It sounds like this man as well has an innate fear of proper intimacy and being hurt. Small wonder therefore he acts as he does; its all hurt avoidance. Presumably as well he does not either realise or care about the possible risks of contracting STI's by sleeping with multiple partners.

Original poster

yowch · 09/06/2007 10:08

In 8 years he has always treated me with the same respect I expect from a friend - this came out of the blue. It's not jealousy - I just thought that after 8 years of friendship he'd think twice about acting the twat with me, when he can act it with whoever he feels like. I don't care if he does sleep around, I never have done before, I just don't understand how I suddenly slipped down the chart from 'Good Friend' to 'Potential Shagpiece'

OP posts:

kittylette · 09/06/2007 10:09

Well hes obviously changed recently, into someone who seem unworthy of the title friend,

I suggest you get rid.

Chandra · 09/06/2007 10:10

I don't understand, it seems very much from your post that you are aware he doesn't want a serious relationship and has told you so, and that you were OK with not having one as you didn't want the same he did.

So... I think that he is not meant to be faithful to you? if he is your friend he is your friend,if he is your boyfriend it is totally different. Now you said you didn't want to have casual sex but I wouldn't expect somebody, who is not commited to me, not to have it not to hurt my feelings, although I would make clear I don't want to hear about it or avoid keeping a "friendship" that is hurting me because I am expecting to develop into something different.

I'm sorr you are feeling like this, but if you are falling in love with him and he has been clear he wants something casual, perhaps is a good time to reconsider your possition and distance yourself before you get more attached to him.

Original poster

yowch · 09/06/2007 10:10

Arrrgh!

I don't care who or if orwhen he had sex with anyone. I care that he dragged me into the sordid side of his life then had the gall to get upset when I wouldn't get involved with it.

OP posts:

Chandra · 09/06/2007 10:10

And when I started writing my post there was just the OP, apologies if I crossposted...

kittylette · 09/06/2007 10:11

exactly, so hes obviously no longer a friend, hes a prick

so get rid

Boco · 09/06/2007 10:11

Are you upset because you would have quite liked 'meaningful' sex with him, but knew that he only wanted casual sex, - and that he chose casual sex with someone else over meaningful sex with you?

Original poster

yowch · 09/06/2007 10:13

I don't want a serious relationship with him! He is (was?) a friend, and I thought of him as just that. He tried to up the ante, for what reason God only knows, after 8 years of us being mates!

OP posts:

Carmenere · 09/06/2007 10:14

I would suspect that what Boco says is true, you seem to have some kind of proprietorial feelings for him.
Why is this time different, he's a man who obviously likes casula sex so in the history of your 8 year friendship presumeably he has sex fairly often. Why is this time different?

Original poster

yowch · 09/06/2007 10:15

Kittylette, he's not usually a prick, that's the problem. I don't ditch my friends easily. We grew up together!

OP posts:

Original poster

yowch · 09/06/2007 10:15

Carmenare, this time is different, because thime it was me he tried to have sex with.

OP posts:

Original poster

yowch · 09/06/2007 10:17

And it upset me because he had no good reason (like lack of sex) to hit on someone he knew doesn't like being asked for casual sex

OP posts:

Nbg · 09/06/2007 10:18

From reading your OP I instantly thought, its a friendship that has grown to more, your a bit unsure of taking it further, he wants to, he asked for sex, you turned him down, bruised his ego so he went and found it elsewhere with someone you knew so that you would find out.
He wants to make you jealous so that you do want him and IMO it sounds like you do.

Chandra · 09/06/2007 10:18

Youch, if you don't want him to talk into casual sex, you can always change the conversation when he starts going about this. I think we all are able to draw a line on what we find acceptable or not, and as long as we are consistent on that people won't trasspase it. If you blurr the boundaries (like allowing yourslef to discuss the possibility) I think you are as responsible for this as he is, you are sending the wrong signals.

kimi · 09/06/2007 10:18

I think you need to tell him that he has been very disrespectful.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread