One of my (male) friends has ^really^ upset me

[yowch]

He is a good friend - the sort of friends you can spend 4 hours on the phone to - every night for a week.

We are both single, but as he doesn't want a meaningful sex, and I won't have casual sex, we decided a long time ago that it's best left.

Well, Thursday night, he wanted to come over and have sex. And I thought about it, I thought damn hard about it, but I said no. Spent ages reassuring him that he's not ugly etc - it's just not something I want to do. Last night I found out (he told me) that he had slept with another friend of ours on Tuesday night.

And, to my shock, I am horrified! The problem being - I told him so. I am furious that he has so little regard for me, to risk riding roughshod over my feelings just to get laid, when he has already found someone who is quite happy to have casual sex with him. I told him that while he is very perceptive, and I appreciate that, he has rather cruelly used it to his advantage to figure out people's emotions and try to make them do what he wants them to do.

I basically told him that he has abused his position as a friend, and I'm appalled that he would think to treat me like a piece of meat when we are supposed to be friends. Because he didn't just ask in passing, he spent a long time trying to convince me it was a good idea.

Now I'm hurt, he's upset that he's hurt me (he is sensitive, that's why I'm so shocked)

Where does a friendship go from there!?

No I know. I've said a few times that i don't care who he sleeps with. My point is that I don't wish to be treated like that, he knows it, and he still did it. My point about him sleeping with someone else is that he can't even have the excuse that he was desperate for sex and had completely taken leave of his senses!

Is it the order of events that has pissed you off, ie he tried to persuade you into sex when he'd already slept with another friend two days beforehand?

I sympathise - haven't been in touch with a male friend of mine since he started telling me, after a few bottles of wine at a mutual friend's party that he wasn't having sex with his wife, blah blah blah. Just disappointed with him. Makes the friendship suspect IYKWIM - he knows perfectly well that I am married with a young child. He has three young children, btw.

I meant in future call him a dirty dog whenever he has another pop at you and tries to get you in the sack.

Are you in love with him then? What if he said he wanted a relationship? Would you go for it?

No, not in love with him.

Don't want a relationship with him.

Don't want to sleep with him.

Resent being treated like a piece of meat by someone who has been a close friend for nearly a decade.

I honestly thought he had more respect for me than that and I have been brought sharply down to earth by him hitting on me.

I feel like he temporarily switched himself off from the fact that he knows me, forgot himself, and treated me like on of the dippy floozies he amuses himself with all the time.

it would have naff at to do with you who your friend SLEPT WITH. even if he did try to pull you. you are safe in the knowledge that you made the right decision.

there is deffo a mutual attraction thing going on ala bridget jones but if you like to make sure your nipples are in a line under that white blouse, your teeth are clean and you can't wait tohear his call... i would say your jealous. you know how he is - he proved it - there really is no biggee here except that you do have feelings for him. despite him being a slag

Can't say I have caught myself checking my nipples - yet.

I suppose, looking back, he's been cranking up the charm lately (probably just to see what would happen) and I thought I was immune to him, because I know him. Maybe nobody is truly immune to charm

Oh well, he'll get over his telling off, and you're right, I know I did the right thing. But I still think I'm entitled to be cross with him for trying to mess with my head.

i'd also be shocked yowch. and i think you're right to have given him a piece of your mind. he'll think twice next time, if there is a next time! one day, maybe, he'll grow up.

Message withdrawn

Do you feel that your relationship with him is 'special' and superior to that of any other female friends he may have because you haven't slept with him?
Perhaps it's a case of you feeling that he really did view you as someone far more meaningful to him than the girls he chooses to sleep with and perhaps him trying it on with you has made you realise that for him it's probably not.

You are just a friend that so far he hasn't had the opportunity to shag yet - and when/if you ever did you probably wouldn't be the great friends that you think you are anymore.

Maybe for him the thrill of your friedship is that of the chase...?

Perhaps I'm wrong but I did used to have a male friend very similar...

Sometimes we outgrow our friends. If we want different things and dont respect each other it can be best to cut our losses.

Have only read the first 3 posts but in my opinion and experience. I also felt upset by a male friend who asked me to have sex in the first place. I concluded that there was no way that he was a good friend if he treated me like that, if he was then he wouldn't have made me feel guilty for not agreeing to sleep with him.

As a result I told him what I thought of him and he was very apologetic afterwards but I think that once the line has been crossed it's difficult to get back to where it used to be.

I do hope that you can both move on from there. If he hasn't tried again and apologised for his behaviour then I would be inclined to continue with the friendship but be extremely cautious.

There's a word for this - propinquity.

It's not such a terrible crime to ask someone for sex. After all, if you don't ask, you don't get. it's not a crime to refuse sex, either. If someone asks you for sex, it means they fancy having sex with you. It's generally something of a complement, not an insult. "Thanks, but no thanks" is a perfectly adequate answer if you don;t want to take up the offer for whatever reason. Giving the asker merry hell about his/her sexual choices and lifestyle is a bit much, really - unless the asking was done in a very obviously insulting fashion, and there's a history, perhaps, of this chap telling you that your sexual choices and lifestyle are 'wrong' in some way.

Update

I recieved a 'grovelling and ashamed of self' (his words) apology.

And he has asked me to go to the pub with him next week. (which is nice, because I don't get out much)

Calmness is restored in the Yowtch house - he's too charming to be cross at, he gets away with murder, really.

he sounds selfish TBH

but if you enjoy spending time with him most of the time, it might work out ok, as long as you have it clear in your head that you don'ty want A relationship with him. Because I think that would be disasterous.