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Original poster

One of my (male) friends has ^really^ upset me

65 replies

yowch · 09/06/2007 09:54

He is a good friend - the sort of friends you can spend 4 hours on the phone to - every night for a week.

We are both single, but as he doesn't want a meaningful sex, and I won't have casual sex, we decided a long time ago that it's best left.

Well, Thursday night, he wanted to come over and have sex. And I thought about it, I thought damn hard about it, but I said no. Spent ages reassuring him that he's not ugly etc - it's just not something I want to do. Last night I found out (he told me) that he had slept with another friend of ours on Tuesday night.

And, to my shock, I am horrified! The problem being - I told him so. I am furious that he has so little regard for me, to risk riding roughshod over my feelings just to get laid, when he has already found someone who is quite happy to have casual sex with him. I told him that while he is very perceptive, and I appreciate that, he has rather cruelly used it to his advantage to figure out people's emotions and try to make them do what he wants them to do.

I basically told him that he has abused his position as a friend, and I'm appalled that he would think to treat me like a piece of meat when we are supposed to be friends. Because he didn't just ask in passing, he spent a long time trying to convince me it was a good idea.

Now I'm hurt, he's upset that he's hurt me (he is sensitive, that's why I'm so shocked)

Where does a friendship go from there!?

OP posts:
Carmenere · 09/06/2007 10:20

I think the crux of the matter here is whether you would actually like a proper relationship with this man?

Uetli · 09/06/2007 10:20

Well, I read from your post that he fancies you, wanted to sleep with you, couldn't, so consoled himself with someone else then told you about it to try and make you jealous. Not the best move ever, but you sound very able to separate friendship from lust - him not so much (and he's a man, he's going to think with his trousers.....)

BrothelSprouts · 09/06/2007 10:20

So you don't want to have sex with him?
But you don't want him to have sex with anyone else either?
And when he does, you make it clear to him that you are horrified.
So now he'll just have sex with people and not tell you about it, and not tell you things about his life.
I think you need to decide if you want to be his lover, his friend or his mother.
It's not really your job to be horrified by his behaviour, is it?
I think you enjoy the attention you get from him, and you are flattered that he wants to have sex with you. Which is fine, but it's not fair on him if you then reject his advances and get annoyed when he sees someone else.
I think he'll probably be quite hurt, and perhaps reconsidering the value of his friendship with you.

Carmenere · 09/06/2007 10:21

Because if you do but he doesn't than you need to back off. However if you get on really well and he fancies you and you fancy him perhaps there is a future?

Original poster
yowch · 09/06/2007 10:21

NBG - that would make sense - except when he tried to talk me into it, he had already had his jollies.

Chandra - you make a good point - but he took me by surprise as we talked this through many years ago, and there has been no mention of it since then. he's always respected it's something I won't do, and suddenly, he decided to try his luck.

OP posts:
Original poster
yowch · 09/06/2007 10:23

I AM NOT HORRIFIED BECAUSE HE IS HAVING SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE!

I'm horrified because he tried to have sex with me knowing how I feel about that!

OP posts:
Carmenere · 09/06/2007 10:24

Was he very specific about the sex between you being casual?

Uetli · 09/06/2007 10:25

Well I'd think he's always found you attractive and wanted to give it another go.

Original poster
yowch · 09/06/2007 10:25

Kimi, I have told him he has been very disrespectful, reduced him to tears, and now I don't know whether to be pleased I put him off the idea of asking me again, or guilty because I may have gone too far with the critisism.

OP posts:
Original poster
yowch · 09/06/2007 10:27

Yes, specifically casual. He doesn't do relationships.

OP posts:
kimi · 09/06/2007 10:31

yowch, why are you worried you have hurt his feelings???
I personally think he had been a total pig, if he is your friend and he knows you will not put it about then the very fact he ask you to is not only disrespectful and hurtful, it is down right nasty and shows little value for the friendship.

Carmenere · 09/06/2007 10:32

Steer clear for a while to see how it pans out, it may be ok, you may be able to put it behind you and go back to the way you were. Can I ask why you gave his proposal such serious consideration if you knew it was a casual proposition?

Original poster
yowch · 09/06/2007 10:34

Well, quite kimi. But it seems so out of character - I don't know. maybe he's had some bad news and is trying to get his end away with as many people as he can?

I should stop analysing this. Maybe he did just have a lapse and decide to see if he could get away with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
yowch · 09/06/2007 10:37

because I am single and have been for a long time. And although I don't 'do' casual, the 'needs' don't vanish.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 09/06/2007 10:39

In that case I think you are being slightly hypocritical, just steer clear for a while and I'm sure it will be ok in a couple of weeks.

Original poster
yowch · 09/06/2007 10:45

Yes carmenere - I also suspect that a good portion of my annoyance is with myself, and that's why he really got the sharp end of my tongue.

OP posts:
Spandex · 09/06/2007 10:46

He fancies you, he's an opportunist. His 'needs' as you put them sometimes override his regard for his female friendships. Bit of a wanker in that respect but not much different to a lot of men, surely?

So he had sex with another friend of yours. Maybe she's in love with him and is hoping for something more? Poor thing.

I'd just laugh at him, call him a dirty dog and tell him lightheartedly that he's never coming near me! Make a joke of it. Unless of course you are in love with him and then I would run a mile because this isn't someone that you can be involved with.. ... ...he's too young in his mind.

Original poster
yowch · 09/06/2007 10:50

Hmm. He has apologised a lot.

Bit late to snigger and call him a dirty dog - I've already torn him to shreds, unfortunately.

OP posts:
anorak · 09/06/2007 10:55

He sounds to me like the type of guy who sees every woman as a potential conquest. Yes, even you. Even if it takes 8 years to get you into bed.

Don't sleep with him whatever you do. If you do you will become a notch on his bedpost and he'll lose all interest in you. You'll probably never see him again.

Knowing all this, why do you even want to be friends with him? I'd drop him like a hot brick. If he treats others a certain way, why be surprised when he does it to you? It's only a matter of time. Who wants to devote their valuable time and friendship to people like that?

madamez · 09/06/2007 10:56

Having casual sex is not a bad thing to do. Being honest about the fact that you want casual sex rather than a relationship is an ethical and intelligent way to behave.
However, trying to bargain for a relationship by offering the promise of sex as long as you get some "commitment" is not particularly ethical. It's desperate.

Original poster
yowch · 09/06/2007 11:01

No.. it's not ethical ... why? Who's done that?

OP posts:
Original poster
yowch · 09/06/2007 11:02

I told him outright I would not sleep with him, Madamez. I would not, and never have, 'bargained' someone into a relationship.

OP posts:
anorak · 09/06/2007 11:02

madamez I don't think it's "unethical" to decide not to have sex unless there is a commitment.

tribpot · 09/06/2007 11:11

I dunno, maybe there's something wrong with me but I totally understand what you mean, vowch. I suspect because I've been in a similar-ish position, in that a (married) friend was hitting on me regularly whilst at the same time he was actually sleeping with one of our other friends. I didn't want to sleep with him, married or single (I was single) but it was still a bit 'ick' that he really thought that sleeping with both of us and his wife was really a good idea. In fairness I suppose we are ascribing a logical thought process to 'blokes and sex' whereas I somehow doubt logic came into it.

However, just to get the timeline correct, he didn't ask you to sleep with him and then find someone else, he slept with someone on Tuesday and then was hitting on you on Thursday.

That reassuring him it wasn't because he was ugly thing - that's music to his ears, though. Have you read Postcards from the Edge, where the guy in that does a 'distance thing' where he pretends to be upset / distant to get the woman more interested? (Or am I thinking about the Martian rubberband in Bridget Jones?).

IME casual sex between a group of friends tends to end in disaster. Because someone is always not casual. Not blaming you, it's your choice.

madamez · 09/06/2007 11:16

Anorak: not quite what I meant. If a person feels they have to be in a committed relationship to have sex, that's up to them. What is unethical is trying to use the promise of sex as a bargaining counter.
Youwch, sorry, din't actually mean to pop at you specifically (not knowing all your circumstances) but if you don't want to sleep with this man, it's none of your business who else he sleeps with.