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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aibu to think my H has not quite grasped the concept of marriage?

60 replies

AnythingButMagnolia · 14/09/2018 17:27

I have NC as identifying.

I'll try to be as succinct as possible.

I have recently resigned due to disability discrimination & failure of employer to make reasonable adjustments. Solicitor is dealing and advises I have a claim etc....

In the meantime, quite apart from the stress and worry caused, I am short of money.

I asked H for some money and was told "no that's my money, I work hard for that and you're not spending any if it as you will waste it"

We have two joint accounts - let's call them account 1 & account 2. My salary was paid into account 2 and this is the account all the bills get paid from.

H's salary goes into account 2 from which he withdraws a set amount to pay into account 1 to top it up to the level required to pay the bills.

He gives me (or did) an allowance each week to buy groceries etc.

Anything I needed above that would be discussed and if he agreed I needed it and was not frivolous etc then he would adjust the accounts to pay more money in so I could buy it, it give me the cash.

Although both accounts are joint accounts, I only have a debit card for account 1. Which is academic really as there is never any left over disposable money.

Account 2 he has the debut card and considers it "his" money.

Last time I checked, money in joint accounts if married couple was owned jointly regardless of who payed it in.

Also this morning he made me cry as he said I looked a right mess and my face was a mess as I'd picked a spot. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
AnythingButMagnolia · 14/09/2018 17:30

Sorry clicked post too soon.

What I meant to conclude with was to say I feel he provides no emotional of now even financial support. I want out of the marriage but when I told him he sneered and said 'get real'. How do I get rid? He won't physically move out and insists on sharing a bed. He repulses me. Should I move out? We have a DS 11 yrs.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 14/09/2018 17:32

Why wasn't he fully contributing to the bills and just topping it up? He's totally wrong here. When you get a new job then you need your own account, transfer half of the bills to the joint and let him pay the other half or divorce him because he sounds like a twat

Original poster
AnythingButMagnolia · 14/09/2018 17:32

I have messed up the explanation of the accounts too. Basically there are two joint accounts but I only have access to one of them which is the bill paying account and never has any disrespect money in it.

When I ask what he earns he shouts at me and gets aggressive/ defensive. I just end up crying all the time and feel really low & miserable.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnythingButMagnolia · 14/09/2018 17:33
  • disrespect = spare (auto correct fail)
OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 14/09/2018 17:34

He sounds awful and basically as if he is taking all the money

Does he have any redeeming qualitirs

OlennasWimple · 14/09/2018 17:36

"for richer, for poorer" not mean anything to him?

Original poster
AnythingButMagnolia · 14/09/2018 17:36

Quartz he will do the shopping sometimes if I ask when I am feeling really low and fatigued. He will pay for it too, so he must have some spare money. I just felt really down the other day and wanted a tenner to treat myself which was when the refusal / brouhaha occurred.

OP posts:
ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 14/09/2018 17:37

If you are named on a joint account then you should be able to go to the bank and access the account. That includes ordering a debit card.

It sounds a lot like financial abuse.
In your situation I'd be seeing a solicitor to get advice and take it from there.

HollowTalk · 14/09/2018 17:38

You can go to the bank and ask for a card so that you can access the money. You are named on a joint account - you can do this legally.

I would not sleep in a bed with that man for anything. You can buy blow up beds quite cheaply - they're comfortable, too. I'd buy one and put it up in another room.

And see a solicitor - even if you decide to stay, it's useful to know what the situation would be like if you left. Would your mum or dad help you out?

Omgineedanamechange · 14/09/2018 17:38

You’re clearly married to my ex. He’s a cock. If it’s a joint account ring the bank and ask for a debit card for it. And a statement which will show you what he gets paid.

53rdWay · 14/09/2018 17:38

He’s a selfish, financially controlling arse. Yes you need to start making plans to divorce.

BumbleeBeeMe · 14/09/2018 17:39

Ho to the bank and ask them for a debit card for the second account.
Also, divorce him and take half the money - then maybe he'll realise what marriage means then.

Original poster
AnythingButMagnolia · 14/09/2018 17:40

I asked my dad today if I could move back with him and he said yes. He has a spare room.

I kind of don't want to leave the marital home out of principle but I'll do it if it means getting away from him.

OP posts:
JuniperJerry · 14/09/2018 17:40

How long have you been married?
Do you have any idea what he earns?

Original poster
AnythingButMagnolia · 14/09/2018 17:42

Married 12 years. Unhappy for at least 6.

Have health problems which make me very low & fatigued so although know things haven't been right for a long time haven't felt well or strong enough to tackle situation.

I have no idea really but imagine it will be around £30k.

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 14/09/2018 17:42

It's financial abuse.

Justturned50 · 14/09/2018 17:42

Take your dad up of his offer while you divorce this horrible man.

smilingeyes79 · 14/09/2018 17:43

He's an arse and wrong and I'd be looking to seperate for sure... in the mean time have you applied for JSA or ESA ? As someone who has worked you may well be entitled to some contributions based benefits while your case is taken on.

Original poster
AnythingButMagnolia · 14/09/2018 17:44

Does anyone know what will happen to the marital home though? I don't want to lose rights over that or DS. I can't afford a solicitor at present but would happily move out and back with dad to get away from him, especially the sleeping with.

OP posts:
PoesyCherish · 14/09/2018 17:45

He sounds financially and emotionally abusive OP. I'm sorry you're going through this. Definitely go to the bank and ask for statements and a debit card. It's not okay he was only "topping up" the bills.

Either you have one joint which pays the bills and you both pay in a proportion and then have separate accounts for your own money. Or you have a joint account which everything goes into and you both have equal access. You shouldn't have to ask your H for cash!

Original poster
AnythingButMagnolia · 14/09/2018 17:45

I'm unsure about benefits as have never claimed and assumed I would not be eligible as had resigned. Where do you go to apply for benefits- is it the job centre? Sorry to be so ignorant but have never needed before.

OP posts:
PoesyCherish · 14/09/2018 17:45

Do you own or rent your home at the moment?

Original poster
AnythingButMagnolia · 14/09/2018 17:46

Posey - owned (mortgage)

OP posts:
JuniperJerry · 14/09/2018 17:48

I wouldn't leave the family home until you've had legal advice 're the implications of doing so

JuniperJerry · 14/09/2018 17:48

He sounds deeply unpleasant (but you know that I think)

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